Best Jokes from the Late Night Comedians - 01/29/10

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week. It is mostly Jay Leno since most of the others were off this week.

"Tomorrow night, President Obama  will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he's going to talk a lot about India." –Jay Leno

"Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. 'Hey, there aren't any. Thank you. Good night.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps." –Jay Leno

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — 'I'll be back.'" –Jay Leno

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"That's an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work." –Jay Leno

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union Address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain's wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he's still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman." –Jay Leno

"Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons." –Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. There's a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him." –Jay Leno

"Actually, John Edwards said today he's going to help raise the little girl. He said he's looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products." –Jay Leno

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Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 01/08/10

Here are the best jokes for this week from the late night comedians.

"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." –Jay Leno

"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." –Jay Leno

"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." –David Letterman

"The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change." –Jay Leno

"The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald's announcing they're bringing back the McRib sandwich." –Jay Leno

"A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

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Feeling “Safe” about Airport Security

We’ve all heard, by now, about the terrorist’s attempted suicide bombing on a plane on Christmas day.  Fortunately, he did not succeed.  You’ll all be happy to know, as a result, airport security tightened and the next day they were able to swiftly and safely confiscate a highly dangerous jar of almond butter that my daughter tried to take on board a plane – whew!

Who knows what she or someone who might steal the almond butter from her could have done.  It could have been spread over the windshield of the plane, thereby blocking the pilot’s vision and preventing a safe landing.  Or, it could have been spread in the aisle so as the flight attendant steps in it, it slows her down enough that she wouldn’t be able to serve the pilot his in-flight alcohol in a timely fashion to get him drunk, which upsets his rhythm and crashes the plane.  The possibilities here are endless.  (SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a potential terrorist please stop reading now because I don’t want you to get any terrorism ideas from this article.)

It was comforting to have her tell me, though, that her almond butter would not have been taken away if the container had been 3 ounces or less.  I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that airport security is using logic and good common sense.  If you had no more than 3 ounces of the stuff, for example, you couldn’t possibly cover the entire windshield, another disaster averted!

Earlier this year I had forgotten myself and put my, greater than 3 ounce container of toothpaste, in my carry-on bag and I was happy to know that it was confiscated before I got onto the plane.  If some terrorist had found that stuff in my bag and stolen it he could have taken it into the bathroom and brushed his teeth until the 5 ounce of toothpaste was all used up.  Then his teeth would be so white so that he could go into the plane, get everyone’s attention, and smile widely while flashing a light on his teeth and blinding everyone, thereby, taking over the plane.  We are safe in the hands of airport security!!!

Laying off airport security for the moment, lest they never let me fly anywhere again, that terrorist on Christmas day was not a particularly bright guy.  He had the bomb hidden in his underwear.  If a bomb blew up in his underwear what did the idiot think he was going to do when he got his reward of “70 virgins in heaven”.  He would have gotten a glimpse of the virgins, started salivating, and upon feeling no urges down below, actually having nothing down below, he would be screaming, “I WANT A DO OVER!”

If terrorists are willing to blow up their nether regions I’m sure they wouldn’t mind putting a bomb inside their mouths either.  I’ll bet airport security will come up with an effective plan to combat that strategy, like giving random noogies to the flyers as they come through the line so that when they scream, “I’m telling my mom,” the bomb in their mouth will fall out.

Until the noogie strategy is adapted they can at least start catching the guys with bombs in their underwear by adopting the strategy of random atomic wedgies!

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Some New Year's Humor

Here is some miscellaneous humor to help bring in the New Year:

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. – Jay Leno

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – Bill Vaughn

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Unknown

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! – Joey Adams

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. – Unknown

I have no trouble keeping resolutions. Well, at least the one about recycling my resolutions. I've successfully reused the same list since 1998. Maybe this year, I'll finally be able to accomplish the others as well. – Mike Durrett

I resolve to assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. – Unknown

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot. – Unknown

We’ll end with a New Year’s poem – Author Unknown:

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Steven Wright Quotes, Again

I had previously posted some jokes from Steven Wright but he has so many good, quick one-liners that I'm posting some new ones:

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

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New Year’s Resolution Suggestions

Here are some suggestions I have made for some people who may not have thought of these particular New Year's resolutions but are badly needed nevertheless:

For Harry Reid – to start learning something new and possibly consider a career change (Nevada voters will help him with that one.)

For Barack Obama – simplify things, instead of working for “hope and change” narrow it down to just change (as in do the exact opposite of almost everything you have done so far.)

For Bernie Madoff – start a cigarette ponzi scheme in my new prison home so I will have the “prisoners’s wealth” to buy off the guys who are doing to me what I did to all my investors over the years.

For Tiger Woods – contact Match.com to see if they’d like to hire me as their spokesman.

For Tiger Woods (again) – find a new hobby.

For Roman Polansky – spend more time at Jonas Brother’s concerts so I can meet new females.

For Bill Clinton – to vow to sleep with Hillary at least once this year.

For Bill Clinton (again) – buy a paper bag so I can comply with the above resolution.

This one is a multiple choice resolution – to vow to mend my criminal, perverted ways.  (This  one applies to which of the following groups?)

a)      99% of the prison population

b)      The Mafia

c)       All the members of Congress

d)      All of the above

For myself - stop putting things off…starting tomorrow.

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