Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/30/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van." –Jay Leno

"Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out." –David Letterman

"They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" –David Letterman

"How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots." –Jimmy Fallon

"The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan 'what can brown do for you?' anymore. Can't even use that." –Jay Leno

"The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime." –Jay Leno

"So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying." –Jay Leno

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Recalling My Day (Literally a Day) at the DMV

I was already having a tough week and then it was capped off with a near death experience, or at least one that made me almost want to kill myself - going to the DMV to get my license renewed.

Now I really have an understanding of why people always look so bad on their driver’s license pictures after having to endure the torture chamber that is the DMV.

First, I had to wait in a line just to get in the building which meant standing in the hot Las Vegas sun.  That would account for the radiating glow on my face in the picture.  Or maybe I should, more accurately, call it a radiation glow from the sun.

What made the wait in the line even more intimidating was the fact that I saw people going into the building, since the line did move, even if at a snail’s pace, but I hardly saw anyone coming out.  It made me wonder what was happening in there.  I figured there was some kind of government conspiracy going on where they drug and hypnotize you and tell you won’t remember this.  Then they tell you taxes are good, Obamacare is good, Cap and trade is good.  Hmm…now that I think of it, I don’t remember any of that happening so maybe it was just the drugs and hypnosis working.  But, luckily, if that did happen it didn’t work well because I think those ideas are more stupid than ever…Again, hmm…very interesting.

Once you do get into the building you are herded like cattle to numerous lines and made to fill out various forms in triplicate, etc.  I’m not sure where the drugs and hypnotism came in but that just validates the theory because they tell you won’t remember.

Up until a few days before I went they were making you show your birth certificate and two forms of ID that show your residence so the federal government can better keep track of you.  Luckily that is not now being required, at least for the time being.  I asked a lady there why they stopped doing that.  She told me in a very cryptic voice, “We decided we don’t need it.  We already know how to find you.”

After my stomach stopped churning from that comment I got to sit and wait, which was only a slight improvement from standing and waiting.  Fortunately, I had the foresight to pack a lunch and bring a pillow.  They didn’t really mind that because it kept me from complaining but what they frowned upon was when I wanted to change into a fresh set of clothing after my nap.  That brought a visit from the security guards.

The ultimate insult is at the end of this entire day–killing incident is that you have to pay them to get your license and complete the torture.  That’s like changing your baby’s diapers and you know they are just going to crap in them again anyway.  Okay, not the best analogy, but the crap part rings true here.

I must say it was quite a relief to know I won’t have to go back there for another eight years, at which time I will need to get a new picture taken for my license.  That is unless they tell me to come back in 4 years because the drugs and hypnotism have worn off too soon.  Not that I remember it…hmm.

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Funny Comedian Quotes

Today I have funny quotes from Gracie Allen, who was George Burns wife, and also from comedian Richard Lewis.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.
Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
Gracie Allen

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Richard Lewis

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

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Jokes from the News - 04/27/10

Here are some jokes that came from reading the news this week:

Goldman Sachs insists they did not mislead investors,  A spokesman was quoted as saying, “Fraud-shmaud, we prefer to call it artistic license in the field of accounting.”

The new one hundred dollar bill was recently unveiled, unfortunately it’s only worth about $25.

Several key staffers from the SEC were found to have been looking at excessive porn while they should have been policing the economy.   I’m wondering if that included looking at the books of Goldman Sachs because there were definitely people getting screwed there.

Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress linked to tiger Woods is rumored to be joining “Dancing with the Stars”.  In related news they are thinking of changing the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with 15 Minutes of Fame”.

In a recent poll 80% of people said they don’t trust the government.  To that I say, “Duh.”  Next the same pollsters are going to poll teenage girls to see if they like to attend Jonas Brothers concerts.

In another poll, a majority of people favored the legalization of marijuana.  The poll was conducted at the Woodstock Retirement Home.

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Some Milton Berle Quotes

Here are some jokes/quotes from Milton Berle, a classic comedian from an earlier era:

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/23/10

Here are the best jokes for the week from the late night comedians.  Including Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon (but mostly Jay.)

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street." –Jay Leno

"This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest." –Jay Leno

"Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you." –Jay Leno

"And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King." –Jay Leno

"For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday." –Jay Leno

"The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered." –Jay Leno

"The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn't even see what it was doing wrong." –Jay Leno

"Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage." –David Letterman

"The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can't even see the giant cloud of hashish." –Jay Leno

"According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off." –Jay Leno

"President Obama and some prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano — they want to pour money into it." –Jay Leno

"A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife."  –Jimmy Fallon

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In Loving Memory of My Wife, Tracy Yeich

I have to take a break from writing a humor article this week.  If you came here expecting a laugh I apologize but please indulge me for one week as my wife passed away yesterday.

We had a special marriage, 28 years full of love.  She was my wife, my true love and my very best friend ever.  She was my biggest fan and I was hers.  There is nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her.  We truly had a unique relationship.

We had so many great friends together.  I’m so used to hearing us referred to as Tracy and Steve, or Steve and Tracy, or Tracy and that big idiot.  Whatever they said the reference was as a tandem and that’s what we were.  We were a team and nothing could stop that, not even death will do it, as she will always be in my heart.

Sorry, I have to take a break because my eyes are leaking all over my keyboard and the screen is hard to read…okay , I’m back.

Tracy was a wonderful being who touched so many people with her loving and caring personality.  When someone called her in need of help she’d usually have their problem solved before the end of the conversation.  Individually she had a many, many friends who are now as upset as I am, but we’ll recover because that’s exactly what she would want us to do.

She was much more than just problem solver though.  She was a giver and a creator of life.  When our daughter became of age to start into school Tracy was not satisfied with the public school system.  So she got involved with a private school to have our daughter go to, to ensure she would get a quality education in a safe environment.  In short order she was running the school and under her it flourished.  To many of the children she was like a second mother.   To some of them a first mother.

Her school was a big part of her life and she ran it with aplomb for 15 years.  Our daughter graduated from the school and she turned out to be a wonderful kid and now a wonderful adult.  With the mother she had it gave her a great head start and it wasn’t likely to turn out any other way.

Tracy was very successful in every endeavor she took on.  She had a unique ability to put on the blinders and make miracles happen out of literally nothing.  She did it many times.  Her next goal was to write children’s books.  She never got to do that but I can guarantee you she would have been good at it.

If it appears I’m gushing over her it’s because I am.  I already told you we were each other’s biggest fans.

She had a great sense of humor (I don’t say that just because she laughed at my jokes) and was so much fun to be with.  Whenever I wrote jokes or articles for this web site she was always the first to see them.  I don’t know that I ever got a truly objective opinion because she would laugh even if she didn’t get the joke but I surely appreciated the support.

Just as she was a success in this life, she will go on to her next life and be successful in that one too.  She loved to organize things, it was her forte.  While I’m not worried about her moving on and doing well it would comfort me to know where she is.  So, if you see a young girl in a couple years with all her toys lined up and very efficiently organized that very well could be Tracy.  I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know that you found her.

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Some Tim Allen Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from comedian, Tim Allen:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own stuff.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

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Jokes from the News – 04/20/10

Here are some jokes based on news over the last week:

According to the Pentagon Al-Qaeda is in financial ruin.  It’s so bad that when they filed their income tax this year they got money back from an earned income credit.

Al-Qaeda is having such a tough time financially that they layed off all their contracted suicide bombers and now are only hiring temps.

Kate Gosselin has said recently that she regrets things that she has said to Jon…highest on the list I’m sure was, “Okay, let’s get married.”

Lady Gaga has announced recently that she is celibate.  This is likely in honor of April being the official STD Month.

Larry King has filed for divorce from his seventh wife, apparently this was after having cheated on his wife with her younger sister.  Rumor had it that he has been a long time mentor of Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

Obama did his taxes last week and he was very happy when he learned he could claim the banks and car makers as dependents.  When he told Joe Biden, Joe said, “That’s a big f___ing deal.”

And finally…A recent survey says that 35% of men are turned off by women with fake boobs.  The survey does fail to mention that the men were asked this question in the company of their wives.   Another 30% gave no opinion to the question.  With these men their wives were standing close enough that they didn’t want to take a chance.

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Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

Here are some jokes and words of wisdom from a profound philosopher, Larry the Cable Guy Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow darnfunnyonline.com

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/16/10

Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yahoo is producing a daily video series, based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota. Of course, they're having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing." –Jimmy Fallon

"This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods  and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them." –Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke." –Jay Leno

"In fact, leaders of 40 nations are in Washington this week for the nuclear summit. And the president of China was supposed to speak first. And that caused a lot of confusion when the moderator said: 'Who's on first?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' 'No, who?' 'Yes.' And it went back and forth. It got a little confusing." –Jay Leno

"And 89-year-old supreme court justice John Paul Stevens has announced he is retiring. He's going to be 90 this year. In fact, the other Supreme Court justices have to keep reminding him to close his robe." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. It's called 'Funny or Actually Die.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal." –Jay Leno

"Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?" –Jay Leno

"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay Leno

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There is a Lack of Hospitality in Hospitals

My wife had to go into the hospital this last week.  Having been a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” I couldn’t help wondering which nurses and doctors were sleeping together.  And where is that “on call” room where all this medical sex is taking place?

Oddly enough, the nurses and doctors weren’t all a bunch of hotties having sex like rabbits in heat.  Actually, they looked like the average person on the street.  Also, no recoveries from any illnesses took place within a one hour time period.  In fact, my wife’s operation took more than an hour all by itself and that didn’t account for any residents fighting over who would get to operate on her or any of those other “Grey’s” dramatics.  I couldn’t understand it.  The programs seems so real.

When you check into this $15-20,000 a night hotel they don’t tell you that all the nurses were trained at “stick’em-prod ‘em-poke’em-and needle ‘em R-US”.  And they particularly like to do their duties just as the patients fall asleep.  I’m pretty sure they have sensors to alert the nurses so that they can wake you as soon as you fall asleep, because if you get well they can no longer charge you that $15-20,000 rate.

Interestingly enough, when they give you a menu  for your meals with 2 choices they don’t have a price.  That’s because the jello alone is $500 and they don’t let you “brown bag it” to save money.  Besides that, if you brought your own food it might have some actual flavor to it.  They want you to think that it is because you are sick that that the food has no flavor.

Of course, that’s for the one’s who are lucky enough to get food.  Some people get their food in a bag, as in IV bag.  You kinda have to imagine that steak is dripping into your veins but it loses something in the translation.  I did make a point of telling the nurse not to expect a 20% tip for the meal in a bag that she delivered to my wife, which I’m sure had to cost $1,000.

It’s not that I’m complaining that the hospital was expensive but I think the deductible on our insurance was used up when we called the hospital to tell them we were arriving.

When you check into the hospital you have to fill out many, many, many forms, some of which even have to do with medical history (did I mention there were some forms to fill out.).  It really doesn’t matter what you say on these form, apparently, because throughout your stay you’ll be asked these same questions about 5,000 times per day anyway.

While there are signs on the walls telling you to ask questions, don’t ever expect any answers.  To be fair, they don’t tell you they are going to answer, just that you should ask.  There is also a parade of doctors that will come into your room, most of which you have no idea who they are and it is likely you will never see them again.  But if they walk into your room they get to charge a fee so that seems fair enough.

I made the mistake of asking my wife’s doctor, Dr. SliceNdice, a question.  (Disclaimer: I’m sure many doctors are not like this.  This was just my experience.)  After my first question there was a strange silence, which was followed by a steam being from the ears and his face turned the color of a beet.  He finally replied, ”I am God, Lord over all.  You will do as I say or you will be drawn and quartered with some of the most modern medical equipment known to science.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

I told him I did, but when he walked away I got him back by making a “face” and stuck out my tongue at him.  Nobody messes with me!

While the resulting operation was a success and I’m thankful the hospital was there I think I prefer my medical experiences to come from episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”.  And, by the way, I’m still looking for that “on call” room.

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Some Funny Stuff to Pass On

These are two very funny things that were sent to me from two different people so I thought I'd pass them on: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the  entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast  infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was  71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of  celebrities  turned out  to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the  California Raisins,  Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain  Crunch. The grave site was piled high with  flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy  as a man  who never knew  how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show  business, but his later life was filled with  turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on  half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was  a crusty old man and  was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived  by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one  in the oven. He is also sur vived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was  held at 350 for about 20 minutes. Aging

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Jokes from the News - 04/13/10

Here are some jokes based on the news from last week:

Nancy Pelosi received threats from the public last week but she was not intimidated until somebody told her they were going to cut off her supply of Botox.

Tiger Woods is back in bed with Nike which reportedly has Callaway Golf threatening to hit him with their clubs.

KFC has a new product called Double Down.  It has bacon and cheese wrapped in 2 pieces of fried chicken.  They serve this meal with napkins that have last rites written on them.

The United States and Russia have agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals.  We are still waiting to hear from Joe Biden as to whether this is a big f____ ing deal or not.

Last week a man robbed a bank and stole a car that had two dogs in it.  Word has it he was just testing out Obamacare to see if it covered dog bites.

New models of cars are getting smaller while the people are getting fatter.  This is the car makers strategy to use less gas, if they can’t get in them, they can’t drive them.  Also, if you don’t drive them, we don’t have to do recalls.

Kate Gosselin is refusing to quit “Dancing with the Stars” but as with many of our congressman this fall, it’s not her decision to make.

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Some Funny Obama Jokes

Here are some very funny Obama jokes that were sent to me that I thought I would post today:

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree, and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean   and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/09/10

Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"Next week, the president of China will be at the White House. And good news — he has no plans to foreclose." –Jay Leno

"Well, give you an idea how important this visit is from the Chinese president, I understand Joe Biden is busy learning some Chinese curse words." –Jay Leno

"And in a major reversal of U.S. policy, President Obama has narrowed the conditions under which we would use nuclear weapons. He said we'd only use them against Iran, North Korea or Fox News." –Jay Leno

"The government says the economy is bouncing back. So now we can go back to making cars nobody wants. That will be good." –David Letterman

"And they've been talking about the iPad for months, maybe years. I'm telling you, it took longer for the iPad to come out than it did Ricky Martin." –David Letterman

"Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." –David Letterman

"Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often." –Jay Leno

"The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Let’s Take a Strange Trip

Today we will attempt to go where no man has gone before (and after we’re done may never ever want to do so again.)  You are about to enter the DEM-ZONE.

Alert readers are probably thinking, “What the hell is the DEM-ZONE and why would I want to enter it.”

My answer, using the best cryptic voice I can muster, is, “Ha,ha,ha,haaaa.” (Actually that was a way of stalling while I try to come up with a good answer.) “The DEM-ZONE is the mind of the liberal democratic congressman, a dangerous and mysterious place.” (Now moving from the cryptic voice to a little bit of a wimpy voice) “Plus…I just kinda thought it would be a fun thing to do.”

I will be your guide as we go through the tour.  As we enter, there’s actually a lot of empty space in here and where there is stuff it seems to be all cluttered up.  Aha, there is our first area of substance.  The object looks to be a printing press of some kind…oh, I see, they are printing money and then the thing right next to that is a furnace with a guy throwing money right off the printing press into the furnace.  Upon closer inspection I see a plaque that says, ”Invented by Al Gore.”

My only assumption can be that Al invented this money burning device (or at least took credit for it) so that it would cause global warming,  and he could take credit for discovering that.  Plus, let’s not forget his Internet invention too.  Now, Al Gore’s mind would be too scary of a place to go into. Can you imagine some of the freaky science fiction going on in there?

Anyway, back to our tour.  The next thing I see seems to be very similar to one of the scenes at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland where a pirate is chasing one of the townswomen around and around in a circle.  Except in the DEM-ZONE it is a Democratic congressman chasing a skirt around and around in a circle.

To be fair, there are some Republicans waiting in line for that ride as well.  There seems to be some alternatives to that little ride that a few of the Republicans are going to.  For example, there is a door to a strip club and also a door to a bathroom stall.  Maybe these different party congressmen are not so different after all, unfortunately.

Next, we see a hospital.  Interestingly enough, it is surrounded by a drug factory, a casket factory and a cemetery.  Not too surprisingly there are a lot of people from those industries lined up to put money in the congressman’s back pocket.  So much for the healthcare bill.

I think I’ve had enough of this tour, but I should note as we leave the DEM-ZONE that there is a statue of Obama in there.  Funny, but someone seems to have painted a Hitler type mustache on him, either a Republican or one of the Democrats that he pissed off did it while no one was looking.  Anyway, all the democratic congressman are on their knees bowing to Obama.  Oh wait, there are two people behind the statue as well… Oh, I see,  it’s Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, they are kissing a location of the statue that I’d rather not mention.

Wow, I’m glad that’s done.  I feel a little slimy and dirty after that trip.  Kind of sick too.  But I think I’ll let that be my own secret lest someone tries to heal me up with Obamacare.  I think I’ll just settle for a nice hot bath.

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Some Robert Benchly Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from author/comedian Robert Benchly.  He died in 1945 which goes to show you comedy is timeless.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

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Jokes from the News – 04/06/10

Even though the news is not always the greatest it's best to look at it from the funny side:

A 70 year ban on pilots taking anti-depressant drugs has been lifted.  Now they can take the anti-depressant so that when they fly drunk they no longer will worry about it.

Obama has upset the environmentalist by lifting the ban on offshore drilling.  It’s all part of his “leave no unbroken campaign promises left behind.”

Congress now has an approval rating of 18%.  The only group with a lower rating are Catholic priests.

Jesse James is in rehab.  Rumor is he said he’s not responsible for his deviant sexual behavior, he was just working  off the advice of his priest.  Now, after he heard about the Republican party spending $2,000 at a bondage strip club he is considering taking up politics.

There was a headline the other day that soda is causing trouble for men in bed.  I didn’t read the article but I’m assuming it’s because it is making the women stay awake and they want to talk after having sex.

Two big shockers came out in the news in the last week; Ricky Martin is gay and Denny’s value meal is not all it’s cracked up to be.  Others revelations in the news; the sun will probably shine in Las Vegas this week and it is liable to rain in Seattle.

…And finally, a doctor in Florida is refusing to treat anyone who voted for Obama.  But he will treat Joe Biden because he has done so much to ensure the Obama/Biden ticket doesn’t get re-elected.

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Best Late Jokes for the Week - 04/02/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error." -Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?" –Craig Ferguson

"During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement. " –Craig Ferguson

"It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians." –Craig Ferguson

"On the 'Today' show this morning, President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it's getting so many adjustments, Obama's now calling it the Heidi Montag of congressional bills." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

"Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn't even have a chance to say something stupid about it." –Jay Leno

"And, as you know, the people have spoken, but health care passed anyway." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape in which he threatens to kill Americans. You know, as opposed to his earlier, new-age motivational tape." –Jay Leno

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The IRS, Ya Gotta Have a Sense of Humor

Since I knew I was getting an income tax refund this year I filed my taxes early.  In the true form of the IRS they screwed up.  But this time they messed up in reverse and paid me more money than I was supposed to get.  So now they want that extra money back.  In the letter requesting the money they paraphrased our Vice President and said, “This is a big f------g deal if you don’t send our money back.”

Okay, they didn’t actually say that.  But they did say I have ten days to return it or they’ll charge interest.  What I haven’t told them yet is that I’m going to charge them a 25% holding fee for watching out for their money for them, another 25% early withdrawal from my account fee, another 25% nuisance fee, and , lastly, a 25% “big f-----g deal” fee ( aka, f--k- up fee.)  So, I will write them back with that note and say, “Call it even?”

I was “thrilled” to find out that the IRS is going to be entrusted (this is probably the first time entrusted and IRS was ever used in the same sentence) with enforcing the financial parts of the new healthcare bill that team Obama has thrust upon us.  It’s not enough that they’ve screwed up our finances for so many years now they are going to screw up our health as well.  And how many heart attacks will it cause when people see a letter in their mailbox from the IRS about healthcare?   But it’s okay, because it’ll be covered.

As a side note, I have to comment on Joe Biden and his infamous quote this past week.  That had to be the ultimate kiss up, brown nosing, ass kissingest thing I have ever seen.  Did he think Obama didn’t know it was significant that he had to whisper it in his ear after he introduced him.  Does he think Obama can fire him?  It’s not like it matters if Obama kicks him off the ticket in 2012, he’s not getting re-elected anyway.  But even if they are both out of work then they will still have healthcare…oops! That will be repealed too.  (Excuse that rant of mine.  That was just a side benefit I get from writing the article.)

Back to the IRS.  If my plan noted above doesn’t work out I already have my telephone conversation with them all mocked up:

IRS Agent:   Mr. Yeich, we got your note but you’re still going to have to pay us back.

Me:  Sorry, I already spent it on my healthcare insurance.

IRS Agent:   Yeah.  We still want our money.

Me:  How about if I just walk around the neighborhood and give one dollar to every family until the money runs out.  Our current administration wants to spread the wealth anyway, doesn’t it?  This just leave out the middle man.

IRS Agent:  Mr. Yeich, you don’t seem to get the severity of the situation.

(This is where I borrow a line from Anthony Hopkins, in “Silence of the Lambs”, paraphrased slightly to suit my needs here)

Me:  (Coldly) An IRS Agent tried to test me once.  I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

IRS Agent:  (Nervously)  Let’s just forget about this silly money.  Have a nice day.

Okay, I admit the conversation probably won’t go that way and I’ll just quietly pay the money back, but a guy can fantasize, can’t he?

As a disclaimer, I’d like to say that all of the above was for entertainment purposes (mostly mine) and that I have the utmost respect for the all of the IRS and, in fact, all government agents.  (All IRS and other government agents please ignore the loud laughter you hear in the background, that’s me laughing at the disclaimer…Geez, it’s not a big f-----g deal.)

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