Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/30/10

Here are the very best jokes from this week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works." –Jay Leno

"With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: 'What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.'" –Jay Leno

"Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent." –Jay Leno

"Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is in town for an appearance on 'The View.' He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village." –David Letterman

"Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?" –David Letterman

"A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'" –Craig Ferguson

"BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original." –Jay Leno

"BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent." –Jay Leno

"An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos.'" –Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

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More Useless Crap That they Sell In Airplane Catalogs

Last week’s article about useless crap was so popular I felt I had to give my readers what they are looking for… more useless crap.  If useless crap is what you want then I will be the King of Useless Crap, for you, my beloved readers.

Let’s get right into it.  Our first useless crap product for this week from the airplane catalog turns out to be more of a pissing product than a crap product.  It’s the Indoor Dog Restroom.  That’s right, it’s a pad that soaks up dog urine so the dog can go in the house rather than outside.  The real trouble starts when you forget to ask your dog if he has to do #1 or #2…. Then it suddenly may become a useful crap item, if you get my meaning.  Mmmhhhh, it that doesn’t stimulate your sense of smell nothing will.  All for only $149.95!

Our next product held in “high” esteem due to its stupidity and uselessness is a chair that can be made so big that when you sit in it you look like a miniature little person like you were shrunken in a Disney movie.  Its purpose is to elevate you at sporting events so you are sure to see all the action.  That is until all the people behind get into a mob mentality and flip your chair over with you in it so that they too can see the action.  That wonderful product allows to get the crap (might it be useless crap?) beaten out of you for only $149.95.

Following that we have the “Healthiest Deep Fryer.”  I’m pretty sure what makes it the healthiest is that it has a price tag of $299.95 allowing the makers to say whatever they want.   Maybe this was made for people in the south that deep fry everything that moves, but from where I stand deep frying is still deep frying  so even the healthiest one is still killing you.

Next we have “The Peaceful Progression Wake up Clock”.  It is so peaceful they don’t even call it an “alarm” clock because that, I’m sure, would be too alarming for the morons that would shell out $99.95 for this clock.  It starts 30 minutes before wake-up by spewing various aromatherapy scents.  Then 15 minutes before wake-up it generates soft nature sounds.  At wake-up time it emits a soft buzzer sound.  By this time you are so relaxed you want to go back to sleep.  Just at that time your wife comes in and yells “Wake-up asshole and go to work.  Your stupid clock is driving me nuts.”  So, actually, one way or another it does actually work.  But still I gotta file it under useless crap.

Lastly, for today, is the “Ultrasonic Barking Dog Deterrent.”  It makes an unpleasant sound when the dog barks that only he can hear and makes him stop barking.  It can be very confusing to the dog because when he hears it in the backyard he asks the cat, “What was that sound?”  The cat, enjoying the fact that he can piss the dog off, replies, “What are you talking about?  I didn’t hear anything.  You’re crazy.”  This kind of thing has driven many dogs to see the pet psychologist.  Anyway, this device is cleverly disguised as a bird house.  So every time a bird tries to walk into the house he tends to knock himself out, again, pleasing the cat to no end.  Actually, this may have been invented by a cat. Also a big winner in this scenario is the burglar who climbs over the fence and the dog won’t bark because this useless crap device has taught him not to.  If you are still interested in this thing it goes for $69.95

Okay, I had a lot of fun bringing you this useless crap but I don’t want to overdo a good thing so if you want to find any more useless crap items you’ll have to pick up your own catalog the next time you are on a plane.

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More Obama Jokes From Late Night

Here are some more jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians spanning his year and a half in office.  He seems to be an endless source of comedy (and sorrow, depending on how you look at it.)

"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien

"And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno

"President-elect Barack Obama had his first day in Washington. Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago for Washington D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Governor Blagojevich sold his house." --Jay Leno

"Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated." --Stephen Colbert

"Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'" –Jay Leno

"Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me." --David Letterman

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher

"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

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It Could be Worse, Issue X

Every now and again it's fun to take an optimistic view of things and look to see how things can always be worse than you think they are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you be Tony Hayward, the deposed CEO of BP, and you are finally getting your life back as you had publicly wished for and then you discover that your life actually kind of sucks because you were such an ass in the first place.

It could be worse, you could be a new girl friend of Mel Gibson and you never told him that you are Jewish.

It could be worse, you could be ex-governor Blagojevich and your attorney at your trial suggested you don’t testify in court because your hairdo is so weird he thinks it could cloud the judgment of the jury.

It could be worse, you could be Levi Johnston and just get word that you were hired to star in a new music video and your future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, gets a gleam in her eye when she asks when the shooting starts and you get a terrible feeling that she’s not talking about just the video.

It could be worse, you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper because she is now seeing Ronald McDonald.

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods struggling to get your old swing back…plus your golf game currently sucks as well.

It could be worse, you could be a guy wearing your Speedos at the beach and as you come out of the ocean, due to shrinkage from the cold water , the snickers you hear are louder than the roar of the ocean.

It could be worse, you could be Harry Reid and be so boring that you would lose a politician’s charisma contest with Al Gore.

After comparing your life to these people if you are not feeling better about yourself e-mail me with your life situation because you will be a candidate to be in the next episode of “it could be worse.”

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Jokes from Johnny Carson

Here are some jokes from JC, and in the world of comedy that would be Johnny Carson:

We're more effective than birth control pills.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

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