Friday, October 29, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/29/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

'Election Day is less than a week away. It's a shame that either of these parties has to win.' –Jay Leno

"It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno

"The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to 'walk the dog and scoop the poop.' That's not a job for the president. Where's Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot..." –Jay Leno

"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno

"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually." –Jay Leno

"The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson

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Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Princess of Punctuation

You would think since it is only a week from the election that I would be writing about that but I am so sick of hearing the Obama rhetoric from the Democratic candidates that I couldn’t write a whole article about politics.  It is pretty evident the change Obama has promised ain’t gonna happen, in fact, I’m pretty sure at this point he can’t even change his underwear, unlike Bill Clinton, who likely changed his frequently, if he ever bothered to wear them at all.

Anyway, instead of politics let’s talk about something way, way more exciting, punctuation!  Now I have your interest!!  And to do that darnfunnyonline (DFOL) is going to interview the “Princess of Punctuation” (POP).  She is all things to commas, periods (not the kind that woman are relieved to have when they are not trying to get pregnant) and all that is grammatical.

DFOL:  Hello, Princess.  It’s very, nice to have you here.

POP:  I hope you know you added an unnecessary comma to that sentence, not to mention the infinity of errors you made in the first two paragraphs.  For example, “ain’t” and “gonna” ain’t actually words…ha-ha…little grammatical humor there.

DFOL:  Yes, well…

POP:  Why don’t we just make up a new language, and, punctuate, like, this,?

DFOL:  Now you’re just being sarcastic.

POP:  DUH!

DFOL:  I hope you know that’s not a real word.

POP:  OH shut up!  Let’s talk some grammar here.  Have you ever diagrammed a sentence?

DFOL:  Uh…not sure what you mean.  I’m guessing you are not talking about drawing pictures around a sentence, are you?

POP:  Oh my god!  You did go to school didn’t you?  (Oh, come on, man.  You just forgot a comma after “school” in my dialog.)

DFOL:  Sorry…

POP:  I bet you are one of those guys that doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

DFOL:  Not sure what your getting at.

POP:  (Screaming) AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

DFOL:  Since you are here, maybe you could clear up the difference between “lose” and “loose”

POP:  Sure, I’ll put it in words that will have true meaning to you.  “Loose” is what I suspect the women are like that would hang out with a guy like you and “lose” is what you’ve done with your mind.

DFOL:  Um… thanks for clearing that up.

POP:  Would you like me to go over the difference between “loser” and “looser”?

DFOL:  Nah, that’s okay…Can we maybe cover the difference between the words they’re, there and their?

POP:  Sure, if you are such a moron that you don’t already know we can do that?

DFOL:  On second thought it’s not necessary…are we going to talk about, I don’t know, maybe conjugating verbs, or dangling participles or subjects and predicates?

POP:  …You have no idea what any of those are, do you?

DFOL:  Not a clue.

POP:  Then no.

DFOL:  Okay then.  I guess that’s the end of this interview.

If you see someone riding off into the sunset on their high horse that will be the Princess of Punctuation.

“I heard that.  I'm still in the building,” said the Princess.

Whatever… Even though she wasn’t the most cooperative person  I think we learned a few things today.  I know I did.  When you are writing it’s important to not get too intense and stay lose or your likely to be looked on as a looser.  And that, ain’t, gonna, help, anybody, so their you go.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Some More Yogi Berra Quotes

The other day I posted some Yogi Berra quotes and here are some more.  The World Series starts today and he was one of the great baseball players, however, not so good at the English language:

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

It gets late early out there.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It Could Be Worse, Issue XII

It’s time for another episode of “It Could Be Worse” where no matter how bad things seem to be if you compare it to something else that situation can be a lot worse than your own:

It could be worse

1)      You could be President Obama after a painful trip to the dentist because you were lying through his teeth.

2)      You could have been hoping Obama was being sincere when he promised change and the only change you got was the color of the leaves in the fall.

3)      The political commercials could be going on for another year.

4)      The election could be more than just one week away.

5)      You could be Obama and the other Democrats that keep telling themselves that they are going to prevail on Nov. 2nd.

6)      We could have the Three Stooges in charge of the economy.  Oops, I have to take that one back because we do have that, Bernake, Obama and Geither.  I’m not sure which one is Moe and poking the others in the eye but they are all sure as blind as hell.

7)      You could be worried about losing your house, the biggest one in the country that has 435 residents, like Nancy Pelosi is worried.

8)      You could be a financial advisor and the only rate of growth you can guarantee your clients is that if they eat at McDonald’s their asses will get bigger.

9)      You could be Christine O’Donnell and have tried out for the quidditch team in the upcoming Harry Potter movie and you didn’t make the cut.

10)   You could be Lindsay Lohan and have your dream man ask you out on a date for New Year’s Eve but you have to tell him you already have plans.

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Monday, October 25, 2010

Some Yogi Berra Quotes

Since this week is the start of the World Series it is a good time to hear the type of funny quotes that made Yogi Berra famous:

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I never said most of the things I said.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

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Friday, October 22, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/22/10

Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher:

"A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners." –Bill Maher

"Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom." –Bill Maher

"One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

"They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer." –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O'Donnell and Chris Coons

"The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman." –Bill Maher

"TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet." –Jay Leno

"'Jackass 3D' just opened. It's the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, 'Thank you, Mr. President." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi." –Jay Leno

"You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama's running mate in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, "Oh crap, that was yesterday?" –Jimmy Fallon

"California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid." –Jay Leno

"The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fall, The Fashion Time of Year

I recently had the opportunity to go clothes shopping with a woman.  When I say I had the opportunity I mean I was forced at gunpoint.

Being somewhat of a fashion expert myself, whose range of fashion extends all the way from sitting in front of my computer in my underwear to going out to pick up the newspaper in my bathrobe, I can say it was quite an experience.

As an aside, why is it that fashion models, both male and women, look like they are always pissed?  Is it because they are saying to themselves, “This stupid outfit is riding up my crotch but I can’t stop and adjust it, those baseball players who are always tugging at their crotches are so lucky, so I’m going to at least let everyone know that I’m not happy about it.”  I guess if they had a smile on their faces there would be the danger that the audience would think the model was just laughing at how stupid the outfit they were wearing looked.  I’m glad I worked that out.  Whoever said fashion was tough?

Back to my shopping experience, my duties were varied from carrying the bags to…actually, that was it.  If I was asked an opinion it was only to verify choosing the opposite of what I said (that and to awaken me from my stupor.)

I am told that women like to replenish their wardrobe every 6 months or so (varies based on the degree of craziness).  My own closet still has clothing from 20 or more years ago.  Yeah, you women are laughing at me right now when I’m wearing my leisure suit, but won’t you be sorry when time travel is invented and you’ll have nothing to wear.

There is apparently, a new fashion season for each season of the year.  The title of this article is actually a misnomer but it is convenient for me because I can I can just recycle this article for the winter fashion season, etc., etc.  (My genius knows no bounds along with my unlimited work ethic.)

You’d think women would recycle what they wore in the last season but that ain’t gonna happen because it would violate the fashion sense of most women, which is “buy anything new.”

Also , I would like to know what would make a pair of shoes worth $500 or a purse worth $1,000.  My only guess is that they find those rare cows that leave cow ploppers in the pasture that are lined in gold and they use their skins to make the shoes and purses.  That, or women are suckers, not sure which.  Naturally, anybody reading my articles would not fall into the sucker category.  You would merely be making wise investment choices with your shoe and purse purchases!  Bravo to you!

Supposedly, it is fashion magazines who decide what is in style for any particular season.  The two most important prerequisites for “fashionable” are expensive and, as covered above, new.  Lesser requirements are that the new styles have to fit on the body of scarecrows  (which is why the weight loss industry and fashion industry are so closely related) and it has to be something slightly more weird than last season.

Once again, we re-discover that men are so much simpler than women.  For myself, I just need a new set of socks and underwear at Christmas time and I am set for the year.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Politics and Chicken Sex

This was sent to me by someone and besides being funny it seemed very appropriate during this election season:

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'

and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into

the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and

attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,

which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report

by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,

but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were

busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,

hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,

so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next

one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the

Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight

sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the

"No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the

"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win

two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the

best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and

screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Funny Observations Based on the News – 10/19/10

Here are some funny observations based on the news from over the past week:

According to a new Washington Post poll 59% of Americans think we are on the wrong track.  The other 41% asked, “There’s a track?”

President Obama had a book thrown at him at a rally in Philadelphia which gave the idea to the Attorney Generals of all the red states of throwing the book at him for Obamacare.

The Secret Service decided the guy that threw the book at Obama did it innocently enough and they didn’t press charges.  I’m sure they would have decided differently if there had been a copy of a Constitution in the book.

Brett Farve is accused of propositioning women with lewd photos and text messages.  If he’s not careful he’ll be drafted to run for political office after he retires from football.

In one of the most watched Senate races in the country Republican Sharon Angle will get a big boost this week when both Obama and Joe Biden will be in Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid.

Starbucks is now telling its baristas to slow down, make it special, don’t prepare people’s orders so quickly.  Apparently, someone in management has switched from drinking coffee to smoking pot.

Obama’s polygamist brother, who is 52 years old, married a 19 year old Kenyan woman, his 3rd Kenyan wife.  It sounds like he is more of a Bill Clinton admirer than he is a Barack Obama admirer.

If he were following his brother’s lead he would he would have charged the girl a fee to marry him, then had her fill out extensive forms with a 30-90 day approval time as well as comply with numerous other unnecessary regulations that his other wives would be in charge of approving and that is how he justifies having the extra wives.  The 19 year old would, of course, be getting screwed the whole time.

…and finally, isn’t it fitting that election day is so close to Halloween.  I can’t think of anything more haunting than the idea of incumbents getting re-elected.

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Monday, October 18, 2010

Unintentional Double-Entendres

These are not new but they are funny every time you read them.

Here are 10 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres
ever aired on British TV and radio...

1) Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!"

2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator:

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of
him."

3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

5) US PGA Com mentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well
is that before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said?"

6) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

7) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

8) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this."

9) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance
he gets."

10) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and
he's only come in his shorts."

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Friday, October 15, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 10/15/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: 'In your heart you know he's Reich.''' –Jay Leno

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown's staff spent the weekend coming up with their new campaign slogan: 'Just say ho.'" –Jay Leno

"Gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown's campaign is in trouble for allegedly calling her opponents Meg Whitman a 'whore.' And of course, now real whores are upset with Brown because they don't want to be mixed up in politics. There are some things they won't do." –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, 'weed dealers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt 'highly immature' while Biden called it 'totally worth it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull."  –Jimmy Fallon

"Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he's planning on decorating the governor's mansion himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A man was arrested for streaking at President Obama's rally in Philadelphia. Thankfully, the police were able to restrain and clothe Joe Biden." – Craig Ferguson

"Someone actually threw a book at the president. When Obama saw something fly by, he said, 'Christine O'Donnell on a broom!'" –Craig Ferguson

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno

"It's being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that's just people leaving the White House." –Jay Leno

"The White House is becoming like 'Dancing With the Stars.' Every week, someone is voted off." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Election Day - It Will Soon Be Over

The November election is almost here and I can’t wait.  Not because I’m so excited to vote, I just want it to be over so that there aren’t political commercials coming on during a football game when there should be beer commercials.

Budweiser makes really good commercials and even though I don’t drink beer, it’s way more fun seeing the Clydesdale horses or semi-naked women than it is hearing politicians saying negative stuff about their opponents.

I’m reading more and more stories about incumbents who won’t make themselves available to the reporters because they are afraid they’ll say something stupid and blow the election.  Elections are becoming more and more something to not lose rather than something to win.  I can just picture the majority of the incumbents laying in a corner of their office in the fetal position with their hands over their ears and yelling, “Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa,” hoping election day passes and their assistants will get them to shut up for a minute and tell them they won. They won’t be telling them that but they can at least hope.

Harry Reid is known for making malapropisms.  It’s like he is the Norm Crosby of politicians except that he isn’t being funny he is just being stupid.  And this is the guy running the Senate.

Then there is the other kind of politician, who is really only good at one thing, which is getting elected, Barack Obama, for example.  Man, can that guy talk and if you give him a teleprompter he can talk longer than Al Gore can be boring…well, maybe not.

Bill Clinton was another one in that category but I have to admit he was good at more than one thing.  Actually, I can’t attest that he was good at it but he was sure good at finding women to do it with him.

Now that I think of it there are a lot of politicians who are good at many things, unfortunately, most of them are either illegal or immoral or both.

Not that politicians were ever a higher class of citizen but these guys in Congress would make Honest Abe Lincoln turn over in his grave.  Oh, guess what?  He did turn over and he woke up enough to be interviewed by darnfunnyonline (DFOL) for this article:

DFOL: Hi, Abe.

Abe:  Don’t say hi, It makes me think of the drugged state most of these yahoo politicians are must be in these days.

DFOL:  I understand.  What do you think the biggest problem is in politics today?

Abe:  That’s like asking why Bill Clinton would be unfaithful to Hillary, there are just so many reason.

DFOL:  Have you heard Donald Trump is going to run for President.  For myself I’m excited from a comedy standpoint, but then again there are only so many hair jokes you can come up with.

Abe:  It’ll be a good thing if he does get elected.  Maybe he can fire some of the bums in their now.

DFOL:  What do you think of Obama’s economic policies?

Abe:  I don’t think you can call them policies.  I think he could do better if he just looked for loose change under the sofa cushions.

DFOL:  What would you do if you were President now?

Abe:  Well, I’m thinking I’d like to pick out the worst of the guys in Congress and invite them to see a play with me at Ford’s Theater in Washington.

DFOL:  That might be a little extreme.  What else you got?

Abe:  I think I’d get everybody off to a fresh start and lighten the mood by throwing a nice tea party.

DFOL:  That sounds like a plan…

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Late Night Jokes About Obama and Congress

Here are some late night jokes spanning the last year or so about Obama and members of Congress from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher:

''I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.'' —Jay Leno

''I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.'' —Bill Maher

''When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.'' —David Letterman

''When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good.'' —Jay Leno

''Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?''' —Conan O'Bien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.'' —Craig Ferguson

''President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.'' —Conan O'Brien

''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Baseball and Sex are Not That Different

Since we are into the baseball playoff season, and sexually I like to refer to myself as a fall classic (I can dream, can’t I?) I thought it would be apropos to point out the similarities between baseball and sex as one ages:

A good young shortstop can go deep in the hole to make a great play that everyone enjoys.  An aging shortstop might still be able to go deep in the hole but he can’t always pull off the great play anymore.

When you are young and versatile you are able to play every position there is.

As you get older you don’t move as well as you used to so you only want to play one position or sometimes two.  Playing every position is too hard but you still get a lot of enjoyment at those one or two positions because you are still in the game.

As a pitcher you can still go the distance when you need to but it’s okay to come on in relief and just make a short appearance.  After all, your fastball still has a lot of movement on it.

As a hitter you can still swing the bat pretty well and you can still hit the long ball.

Sometimes it’s okay to only get to first or second base.  You don’t need to hit a home run every time you get to the plate.

The fans still love to see you play…oops! Wait a minute, I was thinking of an aging stripper.

…And one of the best comparisons of all is that it is a game that can be enjoyed at any age.

(For women the game would be soft ball and I don’t even want to go there.)

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Monday, October 11, 2010

EARLY SEASON'S GREETINGS

This was sent to me by a friend. It's funny and the timing with the upcoming election made it very appropriate.  T'was  the night before elections  And  all through the town >Tempers  were flaring > Emotions all up and down > > I, in my bathrobe > With my dog in my lap > Had cut off the TV > tired from all the political crap  > > When  all of a sudden > There arose such a noise > I peered out my window > And saw Obama and his boys > > They  had come for my wallet > They wanted my pay > To give to the others > Who had not worked a day!  > > He  snatched up my money > And quick as a wink > Jumped  back on his bandwagon > As I gagged from the stink > > He  then rallied his henchmen > Who  were pulling his cart > I could tell they were out > To tear my country apart! > > 'On  Fannie, on Freddie, > On  Biden and Ayers! > On  Acorn, On Pelosi' > He  screamed at the pairs! > > They took off for his cause > And as they flew out of sight > I  heard him laugh at the nation > That wouldn't stand up and fight!  > So  I leave you to think > On  this one final note— > IF  YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM > GET  OUT AND VOTE !!!!  GOD  BLESS AMERICA , OUR ONLY HOPE!  darnfunnyonline.com

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 10/08/10

Here are the best jokes for the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as 'sit,' 'stay,' and 'fix the economy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Christine O'Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who's against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She's fighting back against the charges she's a witch with a new ad in which she says, 'I'm not a witch...I'm you.' I don't think this is a good strategy because I'm crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. If she's me then she masturbates constantly. And if she's me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she's a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank!" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she's not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, 'Hey, that's my slogan.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump may run for president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno

"Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman

"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno

"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno

"We're now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you're having a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon

"They say Osama bin Laden is struggling to stay relevant. Welcome to the club. In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it's hot now, wait until he gets to hell." –David Letterman

"The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn't get anything done?" –David Letterman

"President Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed, companies like Caterpillar would hire a lot of Americans. Caterpillar has announced that they are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if you call the White House to complain, you get the hotline in India." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, October 7, 2010

A Man’s Prospective of a Woman’s Prospective

[This week's humor article is two-fold.  First there is mine and then a response to it from my girlfriend, Su Falcon (it's true, she is actually willing to put up with me).  So make sure you read through to the end.]

When a woman asks her spouse a question about something she considers to be a serious subject the man’s typical response is…"What?"  This is usually accompanied by a baffled look.

An example of this would be when she asks him, “Were you looking at that woman’s breasts?”  His response would be something like, “What…Noooo, why do you always think I look at every woman’s breast?”  If he is using his imagination he will go on the offensive and say, “It’s actually insulting when you ask me that all the time.  I’m looking at lots of people.  Just because I happen to notice something about a woman does not mean I’m looking at her breasts.”

He is, of course, lying.  But, in his defense it’s not a total lie because he really is only looking at the women with big breasts.  Also, some men are more partial to a woman’s legs or ass, so it’s not always their breasts.  We’re not that one dimensional and shallow.

Before I go further, this is not all men that I’m talking about here, but the typical man.  For example, I don’t do anything like that and I want to make that especially clear to my girlfriend who will be reading this and actually writing a rebuttal to it.

Very often, though, we men just really do not have any idea what the woman is talking about. For instance, when a woman asks the man, “When we got together, why did you want to be with me?”  This is a very loaded question and the answer can be wrong, and probably will be wrong, no matter how much thought we put into it.  And by putting thought into it I’m referring to answering while engrossed in sports on TV and simultaneously throwing snacks down our throats.

Here is the perfect example of where lying, or shall I say stretching the truth, could be a very pro-survival thing.  If you told her she just happened to be the next woman you saw after you broke up with your last girlfriend the results could be fatal.

Another one is her asking, “How about if we spend some time tonight, just you and I, talking about our relationship?”  The man answers, “What…Why?” (See reference to baffled look in the first paragraph.)

There are an infinite variation to these type of questions, which leads me to the real point of this article.  Women are always trying to get men to think!  We just don’t like to do that very much.  It doesn’t come natural to us.  When one man asks another man to do something that, to a woman would appear to be a notoriously stupid act, we don’t think about it, we just do it.  We are the hunters, the survivors, the doers!  Oh sure, we regret it later but at least we didn’t waste time thinking about it in the first place.

In summary, we’ve all heard the saying, women, ya gotta love ‘em.  Well that’s actually true.  Unless you are gay, women are all there is.  There is no third sex.  So it’s actually a literal statement!

I believe I’ve clearly established the superiority of the male intellect here.  Yet my girlfriend,  Su, has insisted after reading some of my past articles (she used the word claptrap, I believe) on the differences between the male and female of the species, that she would like to write a rebuttal.  What the heck, I’ve already noted that “ya gotta love ‘em.  So over to you, Su.  (OMG, I wasn’t even trying to rhyme there, so add natural poet to the man’s list of skills!)

Rebuttal by Su Falcon

First off, I would never use a word like “claptrap.” Nonsense, rubbish, even drivel, but never claptrap. I hate when men put words in my mouth. (Must have been that woman with big breasts who said “claptrap.” Wishful thinking on Steve’s part.)

(Steve's side note: "What?"...followed by the baffled look.)

Second, I would never say, “Let’s spend some time together tonight talking about our relationship.” I am all about diving in without warning. Preemptive strike.

Otherwise, I agree with Steve. Men don’t think. Most females over the age of five know this. Men make no effort to disguise this. And frankly, if you meet a man who does connive to the degree that a woman does, run for the hills, he’s probably a politician.

No, it’s a man’s simplicity that I find appealing. After a hard day of solving the world’s dilemmas over coffee with your girlfriends, it’s utterly refreshing. For example, I came up with a scheme for establishing peace in the Middle East—a simple three-step plan: 1. Teach all women to read, 2. Give them all Facebook pages, 3. Give them guns. Things would calm down pretty quickly—one way or another. Men just don’t get politics. But they’re very good at taking out the trash… uh, Steve?

(Another side note by Steve:  I'll say it again, women, ya gotta love 'em.)

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This was e-mailed to me  by a friend.   It is both funny and very fitting especially this close to the election:

 

This one is a little different...Two Different Versions... Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the group singing,
We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright
has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant
and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus , and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having  nothing left to  pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given  to the grasshopper

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading  friends finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is  in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous
and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses
bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in2010 and 2012

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Funny Observations From This Week's News - 10/05/10

Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing the news this week as reported by the media:

It looks like the Democrats are going to be doing so badly in November that Obama is considering unfriending the DNC on his Facebook account.

Obama is doing backyard visits now to campaign and he’s combining it with his new plan to reduce the deficit.  So, while he’s in the backyard he’s grilling hamburgers and hot dogs and selling them for a buck a piece.

President Obama plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers.  All of America was relieved to hear he wasn’t planning to train any teachers using his form of economics.

In a recent poll 53% of voters said they would vote for Obama again…but only if he was able to go back in time and actually become the guy he promised to be in 2008.

A poll by CNN revealed that 51% of the voters wanted Obamacare repealed.  The other 49% couldn’t answer because they were standing in line to start the onerous paperwork in case they got sick before the bill did get repealed.

Sarah Palin got a protective order against someone who was making alleged threats against her.  If only Bristol Palin had gotten an order for protection she would have never made her idiot ex-boyfriend famous.

Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year old billionaire who founded Facebook, decided he will donate up to $100million to the troubled public school system in Newark , New Jersey.  He has no connection to the school he just thought it seemed like a good idea after talking to their mayor.  It’s foresight like that which could end that young man in the Obama administration.

Denny’s Restaurant has added a vegan burger to their menu, which is a really great idea considering Denny’s is such a hotbed for vegan customers.

Rahm Emmanuel resigned as Obama’s chief of staff because he wants to run for Mayor of Chicago.  Apparently, he feels that being one step away from running the mob is a more powerful position that being one step from running the United States.

…and finally the economy just doesn’t seem to be getting any better, it keeps falling as fast as Lindsay Lohan when she gets out of rehab.

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Monday, October 4, 2010

Funny Stuff Kids Write

This was something somebody had sent to9 me and it's pretty funny, so here it is:

Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors
found in high school essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame.  Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

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Friday, October 1, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/01/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah." –David Letterman

"President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it's hard now? Wait until the House changes in November." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama has written a children's book. Why not? He's got nothing else on his plate." –David Letterman
"Obama's book is called 'The One-Term Engine That Could.'" –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn't get what they wanted should just 'buck up.' Of course, Joe Biden has 'bucked up' a number of times." –Jay Leno

"The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel?" –Jay Leno

"While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I'm not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli." –Jay Leno

"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon

"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was 'Do you have a plan to fix the economy?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno

"These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim." –Jay Leno

"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

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