Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/30/10

The following are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Michelle Obama wants to put salad bars in schools around the country.  Unfortunately, most kids would prefer candy bars.

Why shouldn’t a government organization like the TSA fondle our genitals at the airport?  The IRS has been fondling our bank accounts for years.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has written a book.  Actually he only wrote the captions to the pictures of himself in the book.  Since he has never even read a book not much more could be expected.

Fidel Castro has said that President Obama is “the best snake charmer that ever existed,” which means his approval rating is even low among the communists.

Obama got a fat lip over the weekend requiring 12 stitches.  There are only so many feet that can fit in there at one time.  Luckily, his Obamacare had already kicked in so he didn’t have to wait too long.

Actually, he got the fat lip from an errant elbow while playing basketball.  Now, since they know they can get away with it, the Republicans are putting together a team to challenge team Obama.

When Obama got hit with the elbow he didn’t know what expletives to say since there was no teleprompter available and Joe Biden wasn’t even there to give him any advice on the subject.

A dog in Chicago has learned to survive without a tongue after it got cut off in a paper shredder.  This is the type of injury that would kill a politician.

Monday was Cyber Monday, which meant it was the one day of the year when computers were used more for something else than porn in the work place.

Porn star, Capri Anderson, who was with Charlie Sheen the night he was arrested said she became upset because Charlie started using obscenities.  Apparently, porn stars are like mimes and they prefer to act out their obscenities.

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Monday, November 29, 2010

More TSA Jokes from Late Night

Here are some more jokes about the TSA's new pat-down procedure from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." -Seth Meyers

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Yeah, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome." –Conan O'Brien

"TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down." –Jay Leno

"Thank you, TSA pat down for making air transport feel like that one time at summer camp. 'We’re still cool, aren’t we, Gary?'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent"

10. "Do I need a degree in groping?"
9. "Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"
8. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7. "Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. "Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4. "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3. "Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2. "May I frisk myself?"
1. "What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Best Jokes of the Week from Late Night - 11/26/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

"Ratings for the second episode of Palin's TV show have gone way down, falling 40 percent. So I guess she and President Obama do have something in common after all." –Jimmy Kimmel

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked about the new TSA body search, Hillary Clinton said she herself wouldn't like to go through an airport pat down. Bill Clinton added, "I think we all know where Hillary stands on being touched." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people think Bristol Palin is only doing well on 'Dancing With the Stars' because of an organized effort by the tea party. I hope the Democrats will respond by helping Nancy Pelosi win on 'Flavor of Love.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a new version of Rolling Stone magazine being published specifically for the Middle East. It's called 'Throwing Stone.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin's new book can be found right next to George W. Bush's new book in the 'Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These' section." –Jimmy Fallon

"A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker's hand." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?" –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering and Toyota's accelerator." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary . . . and then ask China for $6 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, November 25, 2010

It's That Thanksgiving Time of Year

(Note: This was an article I had written last year for Thanksgiving but the site was very new then so I am posting it again for all the new readers to enjoy.)

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Funny TSA Jokes from Late Night

Here are some very funny jokes from the late night comedians about the new TSA procedure of feeling up airline passengers from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and more:

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" -Jay Leno

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." –from a "Saturday Night Live" skit spoofing the TSA and their overly aggressive "junk-touching" pat-down procedures with an ad portraying TSA agents as sex workers

"I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it's Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster." –Jay Leno

"The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet." –Conan O'Brien

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"If you believe the news, everyone is horrified by the security measures. Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'" –Jay Leno

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." -Seth Meyers

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Funny Observations from Current Events - 11/23/10

Here are some funny observations which are based on the news over the last week:

A study revealed that women who take analgesics, such as aspirin or ibuprofen quadrupled the risk of giving birth to sons with undescended testicles or as Karl Rove would call them undescended gravitas.

A woman in Taiwan got married to herself.  Christine O'Donnell was asked what she thought of that she said, "I don't have a problem with her marrying herself its when she goes to consummate the marriage where I have the problem."

Obama awarded Warren Buffet the Presidential Medal of Freedom after Buffet wrote a piece for the NY Times saying what a great job Obama is doing.  Of course, what he failed to mention was that Buffett and his Berkshire Hathaway, Inc. was a huge beneficiary of Obama's bailout.  What they both forgot to tell the rest of the country was to bend over, but we got it anyway no matter how painful.  (More of a commentary than humor but still needed to be said.)

A Justin Bieber doll hit the stores this week.  Justin says he doesn't have one yet but he wants to get one so he can put it in his closet with a Barbie doll.

According to a study by the Center for Responsive Politics the collective wealth of members of Congress increased by more than 16 % between 2008 and 2009.  Apparently, Congressmen take a Gone With the Wind Oath (fitting since that's where the government money goes)  when they take office, "As God is my witness I will never be poor again."

So, if we want to handle the nation's debt we should just tax those rich Congressmen.

Amid growing protest against stepped up and intrusive screening of airline passengers the government has agreed to not screen the pilots.  They'll do that the old fashioned way, by letting the stewardesses grope them.

The TSA has a new program of helping ex-cons get jobs - they are recruiting sex offenders.

Prince Charles has stated that Camilla may be the Queen...or the King, we're not sure which one yet.

The Pope is now saying that condom use to stop AIDS is okay, especially since he can't seem to get the darn priests in line any other way.

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Funny Things Kids Say to Teachers

Here's some funny stuff that someone sent me.  Kids are always great for a laugh.

____________________________________

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find    North America ..
MARIA:
Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered    America  ?

CLASS:         Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong

GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
MILLIE:         I  is..

TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, "I  am"

MILLIE:         All right...  "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

________________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________

TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER:        Clyde  , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No, sir. It's the same dog.


___________________________________

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
__________________________________

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Best Jokes of the Week from Late Night - 11/18/10

Here are the best jokes of the past week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart, David Letterman and Conan O'Brien:

"People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet." –Conan O'Brien

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, 'Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he'll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a children's book. It's called, 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'" –David Letterman

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn't easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics." –Jay Leno

"I don't think Rangel gets it. Like, today, he said to pay his fine he's going to have to accept bribes now." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven’t seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas." –Jon Stewart

"The new Oxford dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not 'dignitate' it with a response." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back." –Jay Leno

"If Rep. Charles Rangel is found guilty by the ethics committee, they said they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. See, that would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty." –Jay Leno

"This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week." –Jay Leno

"The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress." –Jay Leno

"President Obama wrote a children's book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

"Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing." –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Obama Looking for the Wizard of Asia

Once upon a time the mid-term election disaster occurred.  Barack Obama woke up feeling woozy, having been knocked out by the hurricane that hit the Democrats on election day.  He looked around but the surroundings didn’t look like anything he had ever seen before, including a mysterious yellow brick road.  He looked at his dog and said, “I don’t think we are in Washington any more Bobo.”

Bobo barked as if to say, ”Duh.”

They both looked around and saw a strangely familiar man with an orange glow to him.  “Who are you? And where are we?” asked Barack.

“I’m John, the Good Warlock of the East,” answered the man who looked amazingly like John Boehner.  “You need to follow the yellow brick road and find the Wizard of Asia and see if you can get the country’s money back.  He’s in China.”

“Can Bobo go too?”

“Bobo too,” answered John.

“Okay, but let me be clear, I’m not walking, I’m the President.  I’m taking Air force One.”

“But that will be so much more expensive.”

“Have you ever heard of tax payers?  That’s why we have them, to supply money for the Royalty.

John rolled his eyes, ”Whatever.”

Barack and Bobo headed out toward Air Force One and very soon they came upon a man who was looking all around the ground, behind trees, etc.  “Hey, what are you looking for?” asked Barack.

“I need a brain.  I’ve got to find a f___ing brain,” answered the man.

“You look like Joe Biden.”

“Well, my name is Joe.  Can you help me find a brain?”

“Maybe.  Bobo and I are going to see the Wizard of Asia to get America’s money back.  Maybe he can give you a brain.”

“Okay, I’ll join you.”

A moment after continuing a woman flew down on a broom.  Startled, Barack asked, “Nancy Pelosi, is that you?

“No, they call me the Wicked Witch of the West and I’m here to get rid of you and your idiot friend, Joe, so that I can be President, even if it will only last for 2 months.  It’ll be better than nothing.”

Bobo ran up to her and started barking.  “Hey get that mutt away from me.  If he bites me it will really hurt and my face is too frozen to change expressions.”

“Why is that?”

“That stupid goody-goody, Warlock of the East put a spell on me so that I have a permanent Botox fixation.  After I take care of you two I’ll take care of him too.”  Just then Bobo walked up close to her and started lifting his leg.  She screamed and flew off on her broom but warned them.  “I’ll be back.”

They headed out again to find Air Force One.  Very soon they came across two men.  One was on the left side of the road and another on the right.  “Who are you two guys?”

The man on the right answered first.  “I need to find a heart, so I was thinking of ripping his out.”

“Let me guess, you need some courage?”  Barack said to the man on the left.

“No, actually, I’d like to get a personality.  Apparently, I’ve never had one.”

“Wait a minute.  Aren’t you Dick Cheney and Harry Reid?”  Barack asked.

The man on the left answered, “No, but I am called Harry and many people have referred to him as a Dick.”

Dick snarled at Harry.

“I’m looking for money and Joe here, is looking for a brain.  We hope the Wizard of Asia can help us.  Why don’t you come with us? Wait,” Barack said to Dick.  “You weren’t hunting for that heart with a gun were you?  I don’t want to get shot in the face.”

“No, all I have with me is a water board.”

Okay, let’s get going, I only have ten days for this trip to Asia.”

They hurried along and got to Air Force One.  Just as they were taking off The Wicked Witch of the West was flying up on her broom but she accidentally got caught up in the exhaust of the plane and it made her fall to the ground.  Then suddenly a man who looked strangely like Glenn Beck ran up with a bucket of water and threw it on her.  As she started to melt he noticed he didn’t have enough water to finish the job.  He looked around for a water source but upon finding none he got the idea to finish her off the way Bobo was going to.  Barack and the others were watching all this from up in Air Force One.  After seeing what happened they all looked at each other, shrugged and said, “Eh.”

Finally, the plane landed in Asia and they saw a sign on a building that said “The Wizard of Asia”.  There were many small people working on the building that they thought were munchkins but as they got closer they realized they were Chinese children.

They walked into the building and saw a man that looked just Barack Obama standing behind a curtain.

Confused, Joe looked at the Barack that was with them and asked, “How can you be two people at once?”

“Hey, shut up, you don’t even have a brain.  It’s my dream, so if I can’t be the son of God in this one I’ll at least be a wizard.”

The Wizard Barack said unenthusiastically, “Ignore the man behind the curtain, blah, blah, whatever.”  He walked out to meet them.  “Okay, you found me so what do you want?

Joe took the lead and said, “I’m here looking for a brain, this guy wants a heart and he wants a personality.  And this guy who looks just like you would like to get some money from China so that America can be the richest country in the world again.”

The Wizard looked at them in the order Joe had requested.  “You are an idiot and will never have a brain, you are mean and will never get a heart, and you… man, you are just flat out boring. You could hook up with Al Gore and between the two of you, you still wouldn’t have half of a personality.  And as for you, Barack, just do everything the opposite of what you have done so far and things will start to go right for your country.  I can however, give your dog a biscuit.”

Just then, back in Washington, Michelle Obama was shaking Barack, who was in his bed wearing pajamas that said “It’s good To Be The King” and they were adorned with little crowns.  “Wake up Barack.  It’s time for your bowling lessons.”

He sat up abruptly.  “Wow! Did I ever have a nightmare.”

“Don’t feel bad, all of America is having a nightmare.  The good news is it will all be over in two years.”

THE END

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

More Jokes About Liberals from Late Night

Here are some more jokes about liberal politicians from the late night comedians:

''There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.'' —Craig Ferguson

''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.'' —Jay Leno

''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?''' —Conan O'Bien

''When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good.'' —Jay Leno

''The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel.'' —Conan O'Brien

''I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton.'' —Conan O'Brien

''President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Funny Observations Based on Current Events – 11/16/10

Here are some funny observations from current events over the past week:

George Bush mentions Dick Cheney quite a bit in his book and not always in a flattering way.  He should very worried if Cheney asks him to go on a hunting trip.

Obama was unwelcome on his trip to Indonesia, 20,000 people protested.  They thought he was lying when he told them he was a Muslim.

There is a dog diner that opened in London that only serves dogs.  It’s funny how if you heard that news in Korea or Vietnam it would have a totally different meaning.

A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it in a fight.  That could be a new menu idea for the next Carnival Cruise disaster.

Congressman Charles Rangel walked out in the middle of his ethics hearing and many are saying it should just be viewed as a head start to getting the hell out altogether.

The fossils of Neanderthals show that they lived fast and died young.  Coincidentally, they are also finding the remains of a lot of bars from Neanderthal times.

Another earlier species of man was Homo erectus.  They were crouched over and never did get fully erect, which is probably why condom use dropped out altogether during that period.

Martha Stewart has admitted that she likes to give turkeys some bourbon before they get slaughtered.  There are some Washington turkeys that I’d like to see invited to her house for Thanksgiving.

Congress has started its lame duck session.  Ducks were outside the building protesting.

…and finally, after the election results came in God has disowned President Obama.  He can no longer call himself the son of God.

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Monday, November 15, 2010

Jokes About Liberals from Late Night

Here are some jokes about liberal politicians from the late night comedians covering the last year or so:

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.'' —David Letterman

''Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.''' —Conan O'Brien

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''Google has announced that they're going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It's fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.'' —Craig Ferguson

''President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.'' —Bill Maher

''President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.'' —Conan O'Brien

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Friday, November 12, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/12/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested "President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." –Conan O'Brien

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party." –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." –Jay Leno

"Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport." –Jay Leno

"Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?" –Jay Leno

"The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud." –Jay Leno

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star." – Craig Ferguson

"President Barack Obama used to be known as 'Barry.' Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank." –Craig Ferguson

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are." –Jay Leno

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place." –Jay Leno

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

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Thursday, November 11, 2010

It’s a Social Media World

There are many words that have brand new definitions in the last ten years and many new words that have been coined in that time.  If someone has been in a coma during that period and just woke up they would hear these terms and think that we had developed a new language.  They would be correct.

There is Twitter, tweeting, blogging,  Facebook, friends, followers, Farmville, poking and going viral to name a few.  I’ve been on Facebook for over a year and I still don’t actually know what poking is, but I definitely don’t get the idea it’s something I want some other guy to do to me.

There was a time when writing on someone’s wall meant somebody put graffiti on your home.  Now it means something else ( I don’t know why but I suddenly feel like I’m Andy Rooney the way this article is starting out.)

Now if someone “writes on your wall” it means a conversation that too often goes like this:

“I just got in an elevator”

“Any good music?”

“No, but someone just farted”

Actually, that’s not fair.  That is actually much more entertaining than many Facebook conversations that are available for all of their “friends” to see.

On Facebook there is a relationship status that you fill out that has caused untold upset, for example, this happy couple after she inspects his Facebook page:

Girlfriend:  We’ve been dating for a month.  Why does your relationship status still say “single”?

Boyfriend:  Oh yeah, just didn’t get around to changing it.

Girlfriend:  Do you consider I’m your girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Yes.

Girlfriend:  Don’t you want to tell people you have a girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Well, uh, at the moment, not so much.

Men are just not good at improvising on relationship questions and that ends that one.

Not that people were already great communicators but Twitter has forced people to be able to communicate in 140 characters or less.  This may be a happy thought if you are a mime but if you actually want to get a thought across it is not always the best .

There are definite signs that you’re spending too much time on your computer or IPhone.  One is if you are lucky enough to have a live conversation with someone and they tell a joke and instead of laughing you say “LOL” that would be a bad sign for you.  Also, if you are in the middle of having sex and you tell your mate to just scroll down a little farther (on your body) that would not be a good sign either.  If you are looking forward to the release of IPhone 5 like it will be a religious experience then you are definitely in trouble.

These days people are getting so fat they need to put up multiple profiles on Facebook to accommodate themselves.  I don’t know, maybe it’s one for each ass cheek.

Even the Queen of England just put up her own Facebook page, but no one is allowed to look directly at it and definitely no poking allowed.

Even though I have had a cell phone for about ten years I have steadfastly resisted texting.  I just always preferred an actual conversation.  But it looks like that era will be coming to an end.  A loved one has been insisting I take up texting and it looks like I will succumb.  It’s either that or I’ll have to change my Facebook relationship status.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Accidental Funny Quotes From Joe Biden

Here are some unintentional funny quotes from Joe Biden and, frankly, he is making Bush look like a genius, or should we say f___ing genius.

''A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States -- Barack America!''

—Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama after being announced as his running mate, Springfield, Ill., Aug. 23, 2008

''If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong.''

—Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009

''I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.''

—Joe Biden, referring to Barack Obama at the beginning of the 2008 Democratic primary campaign, Jan. 31, 2007

''Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me.''

—Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, Sept. 10, 2008

''Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya.''

—Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

''You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking.''

—Joe Biden, in a private remark to an Indian-American man caught on C-SPAN, June, 2006

''An hour late, oh give me a f**king break.''

—Joe Biden, caught on a live mic speaking to a former Senate colleague after arriving on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C., March 13, 2009

''Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart.''

—Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

''His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul.''

—Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is very much alive, Washington, D.C., March 17, 2010

''Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.''

—Joe Biden, Athens, Ohio, Oct. 15, 2008

''When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.''

—Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time, interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

''I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. ... When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway.''

—Joe Biden, providing handy tips to protect against the swine flu and freaking us out, ''Today Show'' interview, April 30, 2009

''This is a big f**king deal!''

—Joe Biden, caught on an open mic congratulating President Barack Obama during the health care signing ceremony, Washington, D.C., March 23, 2010

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Accidental Funny Quotes From Joe BidenAccidental Funny Quotes From Joe Biden

Here are some unintentional funny quotes from Joe Biden and, frankly, he is making Bush look like a genius, or should we say f___ing genius.

''A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States -- Barack America!''

—Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama after being announced as his running mate, Springfield, Ill., Aug. 23, 2008

''If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong.''

—Joe Biden, speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus who were gathered in Williamsburg, Va., for their annual retreat, Feb. 6, 2009

''I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.''

—Joe Biden, referring to Barack Obama at the beginning of the 2008 Democratic primary campaign, Jan. 31, 2007

''Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me.''

—Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, Sept. 10, 2008

''Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya.''

—Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

''You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking.''

—Joe Biden, in a private remark to an Indian-American man caught on C-SPAN, June, 2006

''An hour late, oh give me a f**king break.''

—Joe Biden, caught on a live mic speaking to a former Senate colleague after arriving on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C., March 13, 2009

''Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart.''

—Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

''His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul.''

—Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is very much alive, Washington, D.C., March 17, 2010

''Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.''

—Joe Biden, Athens, Ohio, Oct. 15, 2008

''When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.''

—Joe Biden, apparently unaware that FDR wasn't president when the stock market crashed in 1929 and that only experimental TV sets were in use at that time, interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

''I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. ... When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway.''

—Joe Biden, providing handy tips to protect against the swine flu and freaking us out, ''Today Show'' interview, April 30, 2009

''This is a big f**king deal!''

—Joe Biden, caught on an open mic congratulating President Barack Obama during the health care signing ceremony, Washington, D.C., March 23, 2010

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/09/10

Here are some funny observations made from the current events over the past week:

President Obama left for a 10 day visit to Asia including stops in India, Indonesia, South Korea and Japan.  He’s seen the writing on the wall for 2012 and he’s shopping for a new country he can say he was born in and run for president.

The Fed announced its plan to pump another $600 billion into the economy.   It’s kind of like Viagra for the economy with the public being the one who gets screwed.

Scientists are saying Neanderthals outperformed modern humans in the number of sex partners.  I’d say we should check with Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Tiger Woods on that but the fact is many women refer to them as Neanderthals anyway.

ABC has a new reality show called “Skating with the Stars.”  Aren’t most of the reality shows already skating on thin ice.

Last Friday was National Doughnut Day, which made the areas around all the Dunkin Donuts the most crime free they’ve been since last year at this time.

MySpace memberships are dwindling so much that they decided to piggyback onto Facebook’s popularity and change their name to SpaceFace.  ET will be their spokesman.

It’s coming out now why Charlie Sheen got so upset with the hooker.  After she saw him naked she said, “Oh, now I get who the half man is on your show.”

One of the Chilean miners who was trapped in a mine for 69 days recently ran in the New York Marathon.  It is rumored that he is also coaching the miner who had both a wife and a mistress on how to run really fast.

Dina Lohan says Lindsay wants to open her own rehab centers.  She figures it will be cheaper that way.  Plus, when she goes for a drink at the rehab center juice bar she can make sure it’s supplied with the proper “juice.”

…And finally, It’s true that President Obama has the car out of the ditch but, unfortunately, it’s now sinking in the ocean.

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Monday, November 8, 2010

Dumbest Quotes from President Obama

Here are several really funny gaffes made by President Obama.  I guess the teleprompter wasn't working on these days.

''Now, what we’re doing, I want to be clear, we’re not trying to push financial reform because we begrudge success that's fairly earned. I mean, I do think at a certain point you've made enough money.''

—Barack Obama, on Wall Street reform, Quincy, Ill., April 29, 2010

''The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.''

—Barack Obama, in remarks after a health care roundtable with physicians, nurses and health care providers, Washington, D.C., July 20, 2009

''In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed.''

—Barack Obama, on a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people

''I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody.''

—Barack Obama, defending his tax plan to Joe the Plumber, who argued that Obama's policy hurts small-business owners like himself, Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 12, 2008

''You're likeable enough, Hillary.''

—Barack Obama, during a Democratic debate

''It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.''

—Barack Obama, explaining his troubles winning over some working-class voters

''What I was suggesting -- you're absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith...''

—Barack Obama, in an interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, who jumped in to correct Obama by saying ''your Christian faith,'' which Obama quickly clarified

''Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions.''

—Barack Obama, exasperated by reporters after a news conference

''The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.''

—Barack Obama, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 28, 2010

''UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It's the Post Office that's always having problems.''

—Barack Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare, while simultaneously undercutting his own argument, Portsmouth, N.H., Aug. 11, 2009

''I didn't want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any seances.''

—Barack Obama, after saying he had spoken with all the living presidents as he prepared to take office, Washington, D.C., Nov. 7, 2008 (Obama later called Nancy Reagan to apologize)

''One such translator was an American of Haitian descent, representative of the extraordinary work that our men and women in uniform do all around the world -- Navy Corpse-Man Christian Brossard.''

—Barack Obama, mispronouncing ''Corpsman'' (the ''ps'' is silent) during a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast, Washington, D.C., Feb. 5, 2010 (The Corpsman's name is also Christopher, not Christian)

''I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go.''

—Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon

''No, no. I have been practicing...I bowled a 129. It's like -- it was like Special Olympics, or something.''

—Barack Obama, making an off-hand joke during an appearance on ''The Tonight Show,'' March 19, 2009 (Obama later called the head of the Special Olympics to apologize)

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Friday, November 5, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/05/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Election day is so over. We are going to have divided government now. The Senate and the House have become Dina and Michael Lohan, and we're all Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation." –David Letterman

"Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?" –David Letterman

"All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'" –Jay Leno

"I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called 'Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?' At Fox News, it was 'Election Night 2010: Party!'" –Jay Leno

"Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up." – Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn’t they?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are saying, 'It's time for a change.' And Democrats are saying, 'Stay the course.' And Charlie Sheen is saying, 'Where are my pants?'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know what Christine O'Donnell stands for, but I'm a late night talk show host, I need her." –Craig Ferguson

"Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed  from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished." –Jay Leno

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Obama and the Blame Game

The day after the mid-term election President Obama looked into his magic mirror and asked it, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most liberal of them all?”

Nancy Pelosi’s reflection flicked into the mirror, and the mirror said, “Get out of there you loser.”  (Not the most forgiving mirror.) The mirror didn’t break, but Nancy’s face cracked a bit.

Then Harry Reid’s face came into the mirror, “Oh please, yeah, you’re as liberal as anybody but you’re more boring than Al Gore.  GET OUT OF HERE!”  Harry disappeared (author’s note – if only that were true.)

Obama’s reflection came into the mirror and he got his big Obama smile that suckered so many people into believing him two years ago.  “I KNEW IT WAS ME!”

“Of course it was you, you jackass, you’re so liberal you can’t even walk on the right side of the street,” the mirror said.  “But I’m really disappointed in how you lost the confidence of the people and made us lose the House.”

“Yeah, poor Nancy, huh?”

“Screw Nancy!” The mirror said.  I don’t care about Nancy! Nancy was just a pawn…and by the way, I mean that literally.  That bitch has such a plastic looking face she could actually be a chess piece.”

“But what could I have done differently? Our policies don’t really work.”

“Well, for one thing you can stop being the master of the obvious.  We know they don’t work, you idiot, but we have to make the people believe that maybe they could.” The mirror chuckles and then says mostly to himself, “I still can’t believe that anyone would actually fall for the ‘print money and give it away to get out of debt’ gambit.”

Obama smiled proudly, “Yeah, that one was my idea.”

”You can wipe the smile off your face, you Kenyan reject ” the mirror snapped at him.  “We won’t be able to use that one again.  Not with those evil ‘elephant men’ running the House.  They’re always trying to stop our socialistic and communistic ideas.  Why would someone do that?”

“I guess we haven’t gotten the people apathetic enough for their own good.”

“Ya Think?”  The mirror shook its frame in disgust.  “Look here, ‘Cars for Clunkers’ brain…and just so you know, you’re an idiot for letting Biden talk you into that one.  We’re still living that one down.  Here’s what we’re going to do.”

Obama’s ear perked up more than ever to listen closely, making him look like Dumbo the Elephant, which really pissed off the mirror because it reminded him of elephants again, but he said nothing about it.

“The only potentially workable strategy right now is going back to blaming Bush and Cheney for all the problems.  Cheney is the only politician who is disliked as much as you so we’ve got to go with what we have.”

“Yes, sir,” said Obama.  “I’ll get right on it and start booking myself on talk shows.  Maybe I’ll have a cup of tea while I plan it out.”

“TEA, TEA?!?!?  GET OUT OF HERE YOU OPRAH WANNABE”

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Some Archie Bunker Quotes

Here are some very funny quotes from a classic TV character from the 1970's.

“The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where the wife is wrong”

“Man was put on this earth to eat meat...The Bible says so dumbbell...I mean look it up will ya? All them old bible peoples, they was always eating meet; soon as they found out eating apples was wrong...It's true, on special occasions: goats and lambs. Who the hell ever hear of sacrificing a head of lettuce? You?”

“You can never buy beer, you just rent it.”

“I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes; a guy who's a fag is a queer.”

“Why don´t you go back to bartender´s school and take a college course in shut-up?
[On being reminded of his age by kelsey]”

“In response to a ridiculous statement by Edith: " I've gotta quote for you, Edith. --'A bird that always flies in the fog is called a dingbat.' "”

“An octopus has eight testicles.”

“...like the Jews and the Seventh Day Adventurists”

"God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God."

"A woman doctor is only good for women's problems...like your groinocology."

"It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a well-known detergent to crime."

"That's the kind of luck poor Mr. Lincoln had the night he went to the movies....as he sat in John Wilkes' booth."

"That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic"

"No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country...oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!"

"What do I look like, an inferior decorator?"

"10 bucks puts a whole different complexity on the situation."

"The lord may be smilin' on the sheeps, but they still wind up as lamb chops."

"They just wanna get rid of us old guys over 50 that's all, and put us out to pasture. Well I ain't ready to be pasteurized!"

Edith: Maybe we could take it back (a stroller) and exchange it for a bassinet. Archie: Don't be ridiculous Edith. The kid can't learn to play one of them till he's 13!

"I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. Like he's, waddya call, inflammable."

"He made us all one true religion, Edith, which he named after his son, Christian -- or Christ, for short."

"Honor thy parents. That's one of the Lord's Top 10 Commandments. That's right around covetin' your neighbor's cattles and wives and there"

"All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one."

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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Funny Observations Based on Current Events – 11/02/10

Here are some funny observations based on the current events over the past week:

In addition to pat-downs by airport security a manual body search will include sliding of the hand up and down the inside of the thigh.  Airlines are expecting increased traffic from male clientele so they are using this opportunity to charge an added fee of $50 for a happy ending.

The stars of Jersey Shore will reportedly be included on Barbara Walters list of most fascinating people of 2010.  It seems fitting the entire cast combined would only make up one fascinating person.

Justin Bieber was caught in the back seat of his parent’s car making out with a girl.  Fortunately, he was practicing safe sex, he was wearing mittens.

Police in Seattle arrested a man in the park after he was caught having sex with his car.  I’m not sure how that would work but it does give a whole new meaning to four on the floor.

Charlie Sheen has said his whole situation was overblown.  I’m confused, isn’t that one of the things he paid the hooker to do?

A recent poll says 60% of American voters say it’s time for a fresh face in their congressional district.  Nancy Pelosi took this as a signal that she needed more Botox.

I saw a recent headline that said, “Republicans Say Obama Should Study What Bill Clinton Did.”  So, I guess they think he should drop his pants in the Oval Office with an Intern there.

The scariest Halloween costumes this year were trick-or-treaters who were dressed as incumbent politicians asking for votes.

Too bad Halloween is over.  The Democrats could have dressed as Republicans and they may have gotten more votes.

…And finally, let’s hope Republicans have the good manners to send Obama a thank you note for campaigning for the Democrats in the close elections which helped propel the Republicans to victory.

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Choose Wisely on Election Day

This is an appropriately funny piece for the day before election that somebody sent to me:

*HEAVEN AND HELL*

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.*
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted."

Vote wisely on November 2, 2010*

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