Some of the Best Jokes of the Year from Late Night

All of the late night comedy shows were in reruns this week so here are some of the best jokes from the entire year from the late night comedians:

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was in law school. See back then, GOP stood for Grand Old Package.'' —Jay Leno

'There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.'' —Craig Ferguson

''On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.'' —Jay Leno

''On Glenn Beck's radio show, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?''' —Jimmy Fallon

''One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.'' —Jay Leno

''On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?'' —David Letterman

''Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.'' —Conan O'Brien

''WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.'' —Jimmy Fallon

'You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants.'' —David Letterman

'A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim -- 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.''' —Jay Leno

''TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.'' —David Letterman

''President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.'' —Jay Leno

''Here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.'' —David Letterman

''I understand it's not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he's ever come to wearing protection of any kind.'' —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's wedding

''Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.'' —Craig Ferguson

''President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.''' —Conan O'Brien

''You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.'' —David Letterman

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New Years Resolutions and How Men Make Them

It’s almost that time of year again that when the clock strikes midnight people can justify acting liked a wronged postal worker… but in a good way.  It is a way to bring in the new year, plus it gives people the opportunity to say, “I’ll act like a crazy person just this once and then I’ll resolve to do great things…but it’s really not a commitment because everybody breaks their resolutions anyway, but it feels good to say it at least.”

People sometimes make their New Year’s resolutions when they are hung over and you get things like world leaders resolving to solve difference with warring countries by playing best of three “paper, rock, scissors.”  Then after they sober up they go back to being cranky old psychos who want to blow up the whole world except the part where they are standing.  You also get men resolving to never leave the toilet seat up after going to the bathroom.  But that’s only because when they were drunk they missed the toilet altogether so they figured there is no harm in making that resolution since they’re just not going to bother putting it up anymore.

Men, being the lazy, insensitive louts that we are, like to make resolutions that make us look good and also require very little work on our part. For example, something one of us might do is resolve to make every February 29^th a day dedicated to their wife.  She gets everything she ever wanted done for her on that day.  Of course, since that only comes up once every four years you can hope your wife forgets or in the fine print of that resolution  he can add “unless I’m not up to it for some reason (and that can include any reason I might come up with at that time).”

A woman would probably not make a man stick to his resolutions in regards to her, but a man would definitely make a woman do so. That’s because women are actually much nicer than men.  And you can tell that in their resolutions.  Men will often make their resolutions in the negative, like Larry King telling his wife he won’t cheat on her with her sister anymore…this would still make cousins and other relatives fair game.  Or the Burger King Mascot  might resolve to always give his first Whopper of the day only to his wife.  Or Roman Polanski might resolve to only have strictly consensual sex with underage girls.  Or Bo the White House dog could promise his wife that he would never have sex with any other bitch but her.

This is what men are like. We are selfish and tend to only think of ourselves.  Women are sweet and virtuous and always have been.

If it seems like I’m being unusually kind to women here it’s because I made a resolution to be nicer to women in my articles.  Now I can check that one off as a done and get back to normal in my next article. Whew! That’s a relief!

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More New Years Jokes and Stuff

This being close to the new year more New Years jokes are the appropriate thing:

Quit smoking
A friend asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking". The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one. What's phase one? I've quit buying.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year' Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly

New Years Resolutions for Pets

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

New Year Nerd Resolutions

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 12/28/10

Here are some funny observations based on current events over the last week:

A recent study revealed that female squirrels can have a many as 15 sexual partners in one day.  Wow! We knew they liked to collect nuts but that’s ridiculous.

Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Washington D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44presidents.  This may never have happened if Al Gore had been elected as President, it would have been too hard to make him look lifelike.

And on George Bush, the elder’s wax figure it actually has on his lips “no new taxes”.  Too bad he was never able to read that backwards in the mirror or he may have been re-elected to a 2^nd term.

There is a 103 year-old woman believed to be the world’s oldest Facebook user.  She started on Facebook because she heard it was a good placed to get poked.

Customs officials in Arizona have seized 141 counterfeit Barbie dolls headed into this country from Mexico. The illegal people are  still getting in but fortunately, we’re keeping the illegalBarbies out.

A massive pillow fight that was organized on Facebook happened in Old Town Square in Prauge.Now we see why the founder of Facebook was named Man of the Year by Time Magazine.  On the downside, no girls in underwear showed up.

Controlling portions of food over the holidays can be difficult.  Researchers found one of the most effective methods is to look at your fat naked ass in the mirror before putting food in your face.

Hugh Hefner is engaged, so you get bet the stock of the company that makes Viagra is going to go up with a lot of old men trying to copycat off of Hef.  It will be a sudden rise but it will sag again quickly, I’m sure.

The government is very unhappy with WikiLeaks already so the next time I go through airport security and they do a pat-dawn on me I’m going to use one of their tactics and WikiLeak all over the agents hand.

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New Years Quotes and Jokes

Here are some various New Years funny quotes and jokes that other have sent to me:

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

New Year's Day Quotes

• New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
  Mark Twain
• One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
  John Burroughs
• Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
  Oscar Wilde

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Steve and his wife the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, Steve ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation, before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, his wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for him. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Steve told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/24/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"This morning PresiBest Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/24/10dent Obama signed the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell' into law. He would have signed it last night, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of 'Glee.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?" –Jay Leno

"The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's Alaska' has been such a big hit for TLC, they’re trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn't want Palin to have a second season? Elk." –Jimmy Fallon

"Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Madame Tussauds' wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army." –Conan O'Brien

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The Beginning of Christmas Traditions

There is so much to be thankful during the Christmas season.  Oh wait, I’ve got my holidays mixed up we gave thanks at Thanksgiving.  Anyway, I can do it now too.  I can do what I want, it’s my article.

For men, we are thankful that we don’t have to shop for months for Christmas gifts like women do.  Although we are getting into the man’s peak Christmas shopping season, Christmas Eve.  One reason we put off our shopping until the last minute is men hate to waste effort.  We figure if we die before Christmas we’ll have spent all that time shopping and we won’t even get any credit for it.

In our defense we are really just following in the footsteps of the three wise men, who at the last minute hopped onto their camels to spread some Christmas joy and refused to ask directions on how to get where they were going.

They had no gifts so they just planned on re-gifting Jesus some gold that had been collecting dust in their safe for the last several years.  Then when they were almost at Bethlehem, which is a suburb of Allentown, Pennsylvania, one of the wise men, I think it was Moe, said to Larry and Curly, “We can’t show up with just gold, we have to make it at least look like we put some thought into the gift.”  Obviously he didn’t know what the price of gold was going to soar to 2,010 years later.

Then Larry said, “But there’s nothing open, it’s Christmas Eve.”

Then suddenly Curly said, “Ooh, ooh, there’s a frankincense and myrrh shop over there with its light still on.”

So the three wise men went into the shop run by a guy named Scrooge, who else would be working on Christmas Eve, and got the frankincense and myrrh for which Scrooge overcharged them because they had no other option.

Then they got to the manger and gave the gifts to baby Jesus.  Mary was watching over all of this and shook her head, thinking, “They couldn’t wrap the gifts?  Not even a bow?”

Then the three guys were eating over at the snack table and Curly asked Mary, “You got any pudding?”  To which Moe punched him in the stomach and slapped in the head for being such a pig.  When Larry came to Curly’s defense Moe tried to poke him in the eyes but Larry blocked it and Curly said, “Yuck, yuck, yuck.”

Mary yelled at them, “Stop it.  I’ll get some pudding already.”  Then she walked over to the fridge and looked inside and thought, “Oh good at least I can get rid of this lousy figgy pudding with these idiots.”

Then there were some carolers that came outside the manger and starting singing, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.  Mary took it to mean that the three wise men should rest because they traveled so far on their camels but she knew it’s just because they got lost by trying to follow a star because they were too cheap to spring for a good GPS.  So with that thought she threw a can of fruit cake at the carolers.

And so many traditions were born on that night.

I guess I got side tracked with my little story there but there are many things to be thankful for at this time of year, most of all, family, friends, love and good life.  (And hopefully an occasional laugh by reading darnfunnyonline.com.)

Merry Christmas everybody!  Have a great holiday season and may you all flourish and prosper in the new year and beyond!!

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Extra Quotes for Christmas

Here are some quotes for the Christmas season some are funny and some are just the Christmas spirit:

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
Tom Armstrong

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?"
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year."
P. J. O'Rourke

"There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions."
Bill McKibben

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."
Norman Vincent Peale

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit relatives once a year."
Victor Borge

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."
P.J. O'Rourke.

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
Larry Wilde.

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love."
Hamilton Wright Mabi

"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart."
George Matthew Adams

"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month."
Harlan Miller

"If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away."

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."

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It Could Be Worse - Issue 13

It time for another episode of It Could Be Worse, where no matter how bad things seem to be it  could always be worse (plus it's fun to do):

It could be worse:

1)      You could be the first dog Michael Vick owns after he is allowed to own a dog again.

2)      You could be a plate of Christmas cookies in front of a fat drunk guy at a Christmas party.

3)      You could be a snowman and some kid, trying to be helpful, warms you up with a hair dryer.

4)      You could be the kid in the above example with a hair dryer and an extension cord out in the snow about to be electrocuted.

5)      You could be the mailman in Wisconsin this last week who lost his job while doing naked mail delivery, plus he also forgot about shrinkage in the cold weather.

6)      Even if you are unemployed now you could be President Obama who knows for sure that he’ll be out of work in 2 years.

7)      You could be Willie Nelson and have had your big life secret revealed – HE SMOKES POT.

8)      You could take your boyfriend, Charlie Sheen, to meet your family at Christmas.

9)      You could be on Facebook and no one wants to poke you.

10)   You could be on Facebook and realize that all your Farmville animals are not really animals.

11)   You could be a TSA agent and all the flyers start to wear athletic cups just to piss you off.

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More Funny Christmas Quotes

Here are some funny Christmas quotes from a variety of comedians and others:

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "

"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing."
Jay Leno.

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
Shirley Temple

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/17/10

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that's just President Obama's approval ratings." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, "You'd better not steal any of our stuff..." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new school nutrition bill went into effect today. President Obama signed the bill and said it shows that we're serious about children's health. And then he went outside and smoked a cigarette." –Craig Ferguson

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to 'Elf: The Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno

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Obama and the Christmas Spirit

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

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Funny Christmas Quotes and Jokes

Here are some funny Christmas quotes and jokes from various comedians through the years:

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. –Jay Leno

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." ~ David Letterman

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." ~ Bernard Manning

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.

"Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." ~ W.C. Fields

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners

"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller

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Funny Observation from Current Events – 12/14/10Here are some funny observations from watching the current events of the week: Prison guards confiscated a cell phone from convicted murderer, Charles Manson. Fortunately, it was an IPhone so none of his

Here are some funny observations from watching the current events of the week:

Prison guards confiscated a cell phone from convicted murderer, Charles Manson.  Fortunately, it was an IPhone so none of his calls were ever completed.

Since it’s been very cold recently some people are asking TSA agents to fondle them just so they can get warmed up.

Democrats are so upset over Obama’s tax compromise with Republicans that many of them are now saying he’s a Muslim.

There are about 824 billion dollars of cash in circulation in the U.S. economy and it’s estimated that about $64 billion of that is counterfeit and that’s not even including any of the money that got printed to pay for the last stimulus package.

One way to spot counterfeit bills is if they have pictures of Ben Bernake or Barack Obama on them.  Also any bills with the cast of Jersey shore on them are no good.

A man in Australia married his dog, a 5 year old Labrador.  I guess we don’t have to ask what position will be their favorite on their honeymoon.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said President Obama hasn’t had a cigarette in nine months.  But since his dealings with Republicans on the tax deal Democrats suspect he may have moved onto harder drugs.

David Hasselhoff’s reality show was cancelled after only 2 episodes.  I guess there was not a whole lot of reality going on when you are drunk 24/7.

A very popular Christmas gift for men in San Francisco this year, and every year, is the 10 Lords-a-leaping.  It’s always requested that they wear the very tight tights.

President Obama was upset about WikiLeaks again because Michelle found out what he was getting her for Christmas.

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Funny Pretend State Mottos

If you are traveling this Christmas season here are some funny state mottos to help you decide if you want to go to those states.

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/10/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno. Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

"Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator." –Jay Leno

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy." –Jay Leno

"Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about." –Jay Leno

"What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent." –Jay Leno

On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, “Yea right, like there are 34 countries.” –Conan O’Brien

New York City taxi drivers are being told to start racially profiling their passengers. They’re supposed to report anyone that looks like them. –Conan O’Brien

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone. –Conan O’Brien

The majority of women say they don’t need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Guys, it’s a trick. –Jay Leno

According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place. –Jay Leno

The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed. –Jay Leno

China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab. –Jay Leno

The census showed that over the last 10 years, the U.S. population grew by roughly 30 million people. When I heard that, I was like, “Por qué?” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries. I think that's called a “dealer.” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That's just wrong. You can't make a big decision like that when you're only 5 years old. –Jimmy Fallon

I read that UPS is now requiring customers to show a photo ID when they ship something. It’s just like the TSA. First, they check your ID, and then they check your package. –Jimmy Fallon

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Women and Christmas Shopping

Again, it is the Christmas season which brings great joy to many people for many reasons.  Some people are into the religious aspect of it, kids like the toys, many adults like the Christmas parties and extra time off and for Santa, he’s happy to get a day away from the freakin’ cold at the North Pole.  Plus, he gets to fly all over the world and he doesn’t have to go through a single airport security line and get fondled by a single TSA agent, which he most assuredly would considering his belly bounces like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. They’ll figure something else has to be in there.  And the red suit, the hat, the boots and the beard, please, they’d be strip searching him well into the night preventing a lot of kids from getting presents.  I can guarantee you by the time they’d be done with him he would not be such a jolly old elf.  And when he left he wouldn’t be “putting a finger aside of his nose.”  It would be more like putting his thumb on his nose as he waved goodbye.  So we can all be thankful for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and the whole crew.

There was a very huge thing that I left out about what Christmas can mean to some people.  This time of year is what many women get to do what some of them think they were put on this planet for and that is to SHOP.

Christmas shopping is a whole different animal than regular shopping.  This is where the pros take over, that is, women.  For men who do not like to shop (almost all of us) this is where we would prefer to crawl into the corner laying in a fetal position and not come out until it’s time to open the gifts on Christmas morning.  But our necessity level does make us come out on Christmas Eve, look over the leftovers in the stores and tell our spouses, “I looked all over but that’s all they had,”  as we hand our spouse a can of unwrapped WD-40.

Women don’t enjoy Christmas so much for the spirit of giving so much as they do for the spirit of BUYING.

Women like Christmas shopping like Charlie Sheen likes to party.

Asking a woman why she likes to shop at Christmas is like asking someone why they like to live.

Women like to shop at Christmas like a democrat likes to tax and spend.

Women are to retail stores at Christmas as Santa Claus is to children.

Just as President Obama never saw a stimulus package he didn’t like, a woman never saw an opportunity to shop that she did not like.

There is no logic to it.  It makes no sense to a logical person, (i.e. a man) that’s just the way it is.  We have to deal with it.

Now, for some reason my girlfriend seems compelled to defend her and the rest of her gender’s mania of shopping.  (Parenthetical phrase for male readers only: We have to be quiet now because you know the women are still going to try and listen in on what I’m telling you here, but we’ll humor them now and see what silliness she comes up.  Maybe we men can all get together for a Christmas cup of coffee and laugh at the women’s compulsion to shop.  Any day but Christmas Eve, I’ll think I’ll be busy then!)

REBUTTAL

Steve, honey, you just don’t get it.

Gifts.

Specifically, the giving of.

The holidays are not about shopping, they are about giving. (Shopping is just a side benefit!) Most women intuitively understand the complex formulas that go into picking gifts, but it starts even before that, with the lists of who you plan to give gifts to.

Immediate family is a no-brainer--parents, kids, spouses. Of course, with kids, you have to ensure that the total value of gifts to each is within 10% of the others. This prevents accusations of favoritism. Some of the time.

Spouses are a little harder unless you have history to draw from, and even then you need to ensure your history provides the correct prediction. “Last year he gave me that really cheap, cheesy see-thru bathrobe. What was he thinking?? But he saw the expression on my face. Is he going to swing for those emerald earrings this year? If so, does that mean I have to do the Movado watch for him? Or should I just get the bastard a box of chocolates and be done with it?”

(Steve's Note:  Damn, it looks like those see-thru pajamas with the "Hot-rod" emblem at a strategic location might not work then.  I hope the guy who was selling them out of the trunk of his car is still there so I can return them.)

Then there are the girlfriends. You already know the intimate financial situation of all your closest girls. Don’t want to embarrass your girlfriend by getting her that $300 Burberry cashmere scarf when she gets you a three-bite Godiva mini box. Or, even worse, when you agree to no gifts this year and she still springs for that special little something that she saw on sale that she knew you’d been jonesing for. So you keep reserve gifts in the closet that you can spring out in gifting emergencies.

Then there is the eternal re-gifting issue, like the time when Barb gave that horrid wreath to Frannie, who forgot where it came from and regifted it back to Barb the next year. Their friendship never fully recovered.

So don’t think for one second that the holidays are about shopping. They are about carefully constructed mathematical equations that balance the psycho-politics of your life. Every holiday is a challenge mentally.

And we are not even going to start in on the calculus that begins in January when you assess and try to repair the financial damage of making your holiday gifting exploits create world peace—at least for your own little corner of the universe.

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Miscellaneous Christmas Humor

Here is a spattering of Christmas humor that was sent to me by others.  It's good stuff whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Assorted X-mas One-Liners

1.      A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

2.      Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

3.      No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

4.      No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

5.      The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

6.      Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

7.      Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

8.      What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

9.      When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

---

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10.  There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8.  No need to clean the chimney.
7.  There’s no latke-nog.
6.  Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5.  You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4.  You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3.  No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…

1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

“Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and
earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on
5th Avenue – those are for next year.”   –Dave Letterman
—
“I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake
though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don’t
think I need that.”   –Jay Leno
—
Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs
were written by Jews. Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and
Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.
—

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Funny Observations Based on Current Events – 12/07/10

Here are some funny observations that were made from seeing the news over the last week or so:

The TSA rule is that they can only touch your private areas over clothes.  That would be over the clothes that are on the floor after you were strip searched.

A study revealed that exercise could better help obese people realize when they are full.  Another way would be to occasionally let their stomachs empty out so that they have something to compare it to.

Obama was very upset about the classified documents that got released on Wikileaks.  I had a dog once that I’d get very upset with when he would Wikileak on the carpet.

Wikileaks sound like Barbara Walters reporting that Ricky Martin has incontinence.

Hillary Clinton was getting heat because of the Wikileaks disclosures that she directed U.S. Diplomats to spy on foreign leaders.  She was even more upset when she found out that the Wikileaks site exposed the name of the tailor she uses for her pants suits.

Just over a week ago a Buffalo Bills wide receiver dropped a pass that would have been a game winning touchdown.  Afterward he got on Twitter and blamed God for the whole thing.  God was insulted because he prefers Facebook.

Senator John Ensign got good news in learning the Justice Department would not press charges from any of the fallout from his affair with a female staffer.  The Senate Ethics Committee has broader jurisdiction to pass judgment on any behavior that might cast the Senate in a negative light.  Cast the Senate in a negative light?  How is that even possible?  Their approval rating is getting close to zero.  Who even knew they had an ethics committee? More like a lack of ethics committee.  I’m thinking they’ll give him a commendation because it was a heterosexual affair instead of homosexual one.

A recent study reveals that married men are nicer.  That’s because the married men are no longer on the prowl for sex.  They gave up on that idea of sex after they got married.

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Top Ten Christmas Lists by David Letterman

Appropriate to the Christmas season here are a few of David Letterman's top Ten Christmas Lists:

TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS

10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8. Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7. Black elves control the weight room
6. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4. Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "mistletoe-lung"
3. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's a Elvis complaint)
2. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi

(The Late Show)

TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES

10. I'm down here
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy
8. I was once a lawn ornament for Bon Jovi
7. I can get you off the "naughty" list
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4. No, no. I didn't bake those cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners

(The Late Show)

 

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC

10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
9. Flourescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for kids
8. Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing
out bonuses
6. Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling of warmth
and intimacy
5. We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
4. Same deal with Westinghouse
3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
2. A G.E. industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out

(The Late Show)

TOP TEN UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS

10. Junior Electrician Outlet Panel
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Hanger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh - You're Blue!, the Hold-Your-Breath Game

(The Late Show)

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/03/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Jon Stewart:

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he's some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush." –Jay Leno

"The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore . . . They're now 'nondenominational venison.'" –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you." –Jon Stewart

"Happy 75th birthday to Woody Allen. It's not easy finding a card that says, "Happy Birthday, Dad, Husband." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there’s meat UNDER the dress too." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it." –Jay Leno

"Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga …" –Craig Ferguson

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Reflections on the Past Year and More

Upon seeing an advertisement for the “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” it put me into a reflective mood.  As a result this article may be more reflective than humorous.  You could say the Grinch stole more than my Christmas; he stole a good part of my year.

It started in January, which was not good at all.  Then I recovered and things got better for a few months.  Then the Grinch was very active in April and put me in the depths of despair which lasted for a couple of months.  Following that with some very savvy help the Grinch got his ass kicked all over the place and I was much better.  Life continued to get better and better and I am again doing great!

Okay, enough of the reflection!  I am back to feeling like the rest of this article should be humor.  You see, that is how a man will typically reflect on an entire year.  Now for the humor side of the article we’ll look at how a woman reflects on things.  (Sorry ladies, it’s what I do.  Which gives me a perfect opportunity to make a shameless plug for an e-book I will be selling on my web site very soon, entitled “How to Romance a Woman and other Crap Like That”.)

Commercial over, now back to how a woman reflects on things.  To imagine a woman reflecting on a full year is out of the question since this is not a book of encyclopedic proportions.  Instead, we’ll mock-up her reflecting upon just one date with a man.  It goes without saying that she’ll be going over it in her head for days after it occurred.

Here is a microcosm of her thoughts before the date as she gets ready:

“Why won’t my hair do what I want it to?”

“I knew I should have gotten my hair cut”

“My breasts look too small in this top.”

“These jeans make my ass look fat.”

“I need to go on a diet.”

“That’s too much mascara.”

“That’s not enough mascara.”

“I wonder what we should talk about?”

“I should have gotten my teeth whitened.”

“My thighs look fat in these pants.”

“I don’t like this outfit. I’m changing.” (That statement at least 5 times or more.)

Multiply this by about one hundred and she is now ready for the date to begin.  Here are some of the thoughts that occur during the date that she will mull over for days.

“Does he like me?”

“I wonder if my breath is okay?”

“Does he think I’m a good kisser?”

“Does he think my breasts are too small?”

“Does he think my thighs are too fat?”  (Note the recurring theme on the body parts.)

“Does he like the sound of my voice?”

“I wonder if I should have sex with him?”

“Will he enjoy sex if we do it?”

Etc., Etc., Etc. You get the idea with more of the same after the date.

On the other hand, the man will have one thought before, during and after the date (about the next date with her,) “I hope we’re going to have sex.”

It’s been that way forever.  There were slight variations, for example, in Victorian times she would have thought, “I wonder if thouest thinkest my thighs are fat?”  But otherwise it’s basically the same.  Men are just simpler than woman.  (And I fear many women are thinking that simpler, especially about me at the moment, is not a flattering term.  But that’s okay because since I kicked that Grinch’s ass, as I said before, I’m all about having fun even when it’s at my expense!)

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Best Jimmy Fallon Jokes

Here are the best Jimmy Fallon jokes over the last year or so from his late night show:

''In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.''' —Jimmy Fallon

''Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.''' —Jimmy Fallon

''Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe, that Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?'' —Jimmy Fallon

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''During his weekly radio address, President Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.''' —Jimmy Fallon, on BP's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico

''President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.'' —Jimmy Fallon

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