Friday, April 29, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/29/11

Here are the best late night jokes of the week from Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno
"Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

"After releasing the birth certificate today, he said 'There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness.' Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah." –Jay Leno

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

"Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called 'I Need Money' by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president." –David Letterman

"President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu."  -Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears." –Jay Leno

"The Libyan government says Moammar Gadhafi is still in 'high spirits,' even though his compound was destroyed this week. Most people would be devastated, but here's the thing — he's insane." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." -Jimmy Fallon

"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman

"Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress." –Jay Leno

"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare." –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, April 28, 2011

President Obama and Cool Stuff

A couple of weeks ago President Obama thought he was talking privately at a fundraiser to democratic supporters who were paying $38,000 a plate.  He figured it was a safe audience to complain about Republicans and anything he wanted to.  Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned (or as promised if we were talking about his campaign) and unbeknownst to the President his comments were being piped into the White House pressroom where some veteran reporters were taking notes.  This is very similar to being caught in a room with your pants down, but then this article isn’t about Bill Clinton.

My favorite quote from this unauthorized snooping (I think it’s called Karma) was Obama’s opinion of the White House information technology.  He said, “I always thought I was going to have really cool phones and stuff.  I’m like, c’mon guys, I’m the president of the United States.  Where’s the fancy buttons and stuff and the big screen coming up?  It doesn’t happen.”

So, apparently he thought he was going to be the president on Star Trek.  Now I’m beginning to understand what is wrong with this presidency.  No wonder it took him so long to come up with a birth certificate, he is actually a president from the future.

And as far as the part where he says, “c’mon guys, I’m the president of the United States.”  We’re all hoping to remedy that in 2012.

If all the Obama’s have this kind of attitude I’m guessing that his dog, Bo, wants his dog poop cleaned up with gold plated shovels and placed delicately into lace covered bags, of course, all at tax payer’s expense.  Hey, I just realized maybe politicians are descended from dogs because they just do their business wherever they want to just like a dog does.

Next, Obama said about Republicans, “Do they think we’re stupid?”…I’m sorry, my mind went ablaze with potential rebuttals for that question.  There are so many possible comments for that one and I’m sure they are going through your head as well, so I’m going to leave that one alone.

He also said about government employees that some of them were slugs and not trying to do their job. I couldn’t agree more and may I say that when there is a problem like that it often starts at the top.  And sometimes it’s because the guys at the top are more interested in “cool stuff” instead of doing their job effectively.

Obama must have been having a bad week because a few days after this event he was being interviewed by a reporter and he admonished the interviewer afterward for not letting him finish his answers. My guess is the reporter was afraid he’d pull out a teleprompter and he’d never get to finish the interview.

Back to the fundraiser gaffe, the press secretary said the next day that the president wasn’t embarrassed by anything he said because it wasn’t anything he wouldn’t say in a public venue.  So either the press secretary figures Obama often says stupid things in public venues or maybe he was thought he was talking about Joe Biden.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Really Funny Jokes by Conan O'Brien

In celebration of Conan O'Brien's birthday last week here are some really funny jokes by him over the last couple of years:

''President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.''

''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?'''

''Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.''

''Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.''

''Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.''

''First Lady Michelle Obama appears on 'Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage.''

''Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.''

''Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.''

''President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.''

''President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'''

''According to reports, Gaddafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.''

''Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'''

''Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.''

''Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.''

''At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'''

''Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name 'Microsoft Windows.'''

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events – 04/26/11

Here are some funny observations made as a result of keeping an eye on the current events:

A report shows that swearing is a powerful painkiller.  If that is true then Joe Biden has enough advance payments to live pain-free for the rest of his life.

A college girl tried to spark debate about female body image with a life-size Barbie doll.  The doll she created had a 39” chest and an 18” waist.  This has led men, when asked about the project to remark, “So what’s the problem?”

Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 120 days in jail for a probation violation.  If they really wanted to punish her they could put her on house arrest while living with her father.

Kid Rock regrets the stage name he chose for himself when he was young, now that he has turned 40.  As a result he’s changing his name again and he’ll now be known as Middle-Aged Rock.

President Obama said he is not concerned with the 2012 election, he is concerned with the here and now…and here and now he needs to do fundraising for the 2012 election.

The government is still running after the threatened shut down of a few weeks ago…Can anyone tell?

Donald Trump came in first by a landslide of people polled to see who should be the next president.  It was a poll of the late night comedians.

Idaho has potatoes, Iowa has corn and Kansas has wheat, but Washington D.C. has the manure to make it all grow.

Michelle Obama has said that their dog Bo is the most popular Obama.  I can see why he is more popular than the President.  Bo only craps on the White House Lawn, whereas the President spread his craps on the whole country.

According to a recent poll by CBS 80% of the population said the economy is doing poorly.  The other 20% have already left the country and were unavailable.

Another CBS poll said 70% of Americans believe we’re on the wrong track.  The other 30% said, “There’s a track?”

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Monday, April 25, 2011

Best Jokes by Conan O'Brien

Last week was Conan O'Brien's Birthday so here are some of his best jokes over the last few years:

''President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'''

''The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz.''

''The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.''

''Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.''

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.''

''Today Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. Immediately after the speech Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News.''

''It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.''

''Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.''

''Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'''

''Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face.''

''The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel.''

''Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, 'What? I'm looking at the baby.'''

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.''

''A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton.''

''California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid.''

''President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.''

''South Carolina Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This weekend, Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'''

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/22/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson. (The rest are in reruns this week.)

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head." –Conan O'Brien

"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien

"The FAA suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie on the job. The controller said he was only watching a movie because he couldn't sleep." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il's birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O'Brien

"The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there's anything I've learned, it's that Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama's critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, 'Be sure to watch 'Celebrity Apprentice.''" –Craig Ferguson

"Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry." –Craig Ferguson

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson

The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for “change.” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. -Jimmy Kimmel

If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One. -Jimmy Kimmel

Charlie Sheen was an hour late for his show in Washington, D.C. and he tweeted a picture of his police escort. Aren’t the police supposed to take Charlie Sheen from places? -Jimmy Kimmel

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Where the Easter Bunny Got His Start

Tomorrow we celebrate Good Friday, where Christians traditionally fast, (so that they can eat more chocolate on Easter) pray (that they get more chocolate in their Easter baskets instead of those creepy marshmallow candies) and meditate on the suffering of Christ (since Hershey and the other candy companies had not yet developed candy yet back in his day.)

This is followed by Easter Sunday where Christian churches traditionally make their biggest haul in donations.  So, you might say, to the churches Easter is like Christmas to them.  Isn’t irony fun?

Easter is the day that Jesus was resurrected.  He came out of the cave and said “Here I am, only dead three days and already you guys ate all of my Easter candy.” (Really, is wasn’t candy but instead frankincense and Myrrh, leftover from his birth because no one really knew what to do with that crap.  But, since he was homeless when he was born his mother liked to tell him that stuff was special so he at least had something.)

Then, since Jesus was really hungry, not having eaten for three days, and there was no candy he looked around for something to eat.  He saw a rabbit and thought, “Rabbit stew, that sounds good.”   Jesus picked up a rock and prepared to slay the little bunny.  He saw him nibbling on some grass and he said, “That’s right you waskly wabbit, have your last supper, for you are about to be mine.”

Just then the rabbit looked up and saw Jesus was about to throw a rock at him.  He said, “Whoa, whoa, JC.  What’s up?  Why all the hostility?”

Jesus said, “Hey, I’m hungry, you are a rabbit.  Let’s eat.”  He cocked his arm again, ready to throw and the rabbit put up his paws.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute.  You don’t want to kill me,” said the rabbit.

“Why not?”

The rabbit had to think fast.  “Uh, because I’m not just any rabbit, I’m special.”

Jesus looked at him warily.  “What’s so special about you?”

The rabbit hesitated, not knowing what to say then suddenly he pulled something out of his hat (metaphorically, that is, and by the way, it wasn’t a rabbit if that’s what you were thinking.)  “Oh, oh, I know.  I can talk, I’m a talking rabbit.  That’s pretty special isn’t it?”

“Well, I guess that’s true.  That is unique… But what good is that going to do me?  I’m still hungry.”

“Okay, Okay.  Let’s cut a deal.  You don’t eat me and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“How?”  The rock still in his hand ready to throw as needed.

The rabbit continued with his fast thinking, which spawned the phrase, “fast like a rabbit.”  Then he said, “I know.  Every year around this time, although it may not be exactly the same time each year, depending on what family obligations I have going on, I have a big family, you know, I will go around and give candy and Easter eggs to all the Christian families around the world in your memory. “

“Hmmm. That sounds pretty good.”

The rabbit sensed he needed to do more.  “Oh, and not only that.  I’ll go into Rome and make all those Jews that killed you feel so guilty about it that they will pass over eating for like a week or more every year at this time.  Heck, I’ll just make them feel guilty about everything while I’m at it.”

Jesus was very happy with this.  “Rabbit, you have a deal.”  They shook on it.  Then he said, “But, I am still hungry.”

The rabbit reached into the basket he had with him and pulled something out.  “Here have an egg.”

“Thanks,” said Jesus and he added, “Wow, colorful too.”

And so, the Easter tradition, along with a few others, was born.

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Best of David Letterman Jokes - II

It was David Letterman's birthday recently so here are some more of his best jokes over the last couple of years:

''There's wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and now Libya. You've heard the expression 'theater of war'? This is a multiplex.''

''You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.''

''Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's going to start hitting on her.''

''How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough ... John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house ... He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings ... He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.''

''Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that's just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.''

''Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They're touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money.''

''I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.''

''On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?''

''Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.''

''Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe, that Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?''

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events - 04/19/11

Here are some funny observations made after keeping an eye on the current events over the past week:

Gary Busey said that if Donald Trump runs for president he wants to be the vice president.  And I guess they would make Charlie Sheen in charge of the Food and Drug Administration.

Joe Biden was caught nodding off during Obama’s speech on the budget.  Later on he said, “It’s not a big F___ing deal, he’s not going to do anything he promised to do anyway.”

The Fed reports that the economy is continuing to improve.  They are apparently grading  that improvement on a very steep curve.

Paris Hilton has a new reality show coming out and she was quoted as saying, “I’m ready to show myself.”  I thought she already did that when she did that sex video a few years ago.

Kobe Bryant is trying very hard to make amends for his slur against gays.  He’s apologized several times and now he has even agreed to be on an episode of Glee.

There is a “Naked” pool opening in Las Vegas.  Upon hearing the news Bill Clinton immediately booked a flight to Las Vegas.

In Tennessee a teacher was suspended for ordering her class to taunt a student for being messy by making an oinking sound at him.  She was desperate and had already tried everything else, including telling him that “no teacher was going to want to have sex with such a messy boy.”  Even that didn’t work.

Archeologists claim to have found the first gay caveman.  How would they know this you may wonder?  But then it all made sense.  The drawings he was making on his cave were very much like a recent episode of Glee.

The day taxes were due this year was April 18th rather than the normal 15th because of an obscure holiday celebrated only in Washington D.C.  I think it was called “Congress needs 3 more days to figure out how congressmen don’t have to pay their taxes holiday.”

Red-faced zookeepers in Latvia have realized after 20 years that their prized male hippo ... isn't male.  They discovered this when they found her putting on make-up in the ladies room.

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Monday, April 18, 2011

Best of David Letterman Jokes

It was recently David Letterman's birthday so here are some of his best jokes over the last couple of years:

''It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.''

'The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper.''

''Doctors say Dick Cheney need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy.''

''Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.''

''Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.''

''TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.''

''Mitt Romney looks like the guy on the 'Just For Men' bottle ... Mitt Romney looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.''

''You know who I am talking about? The new senator from the state of Massachusetts. Before he got into politics, he had two jobs. He was a go-go boy. And he was also a nude model. And they swore him in last week. It was a moving ceremony. He put his hand on a copy of 'Cosmo.'''

''Here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.''

''President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There's a brand-new campaign slogan -- 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.''

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/15/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you're a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of "Celebrity Apprentice" wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying NBC should take 'Celebrity Apprentice' off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says 'leader of the free world' like someone who can't stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey." –Conan O'Brien

"'Hustler' publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton." –Conan O'Brien

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as "not African-Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of girl scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." –Conan O'Brien

"Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said, 'I am Obama’s worst nightmare.' Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something; if he wanted to remain anonymous he should have ran for Vice President." –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno

"Economists say sharp increases in energy and food prices could lead to higher inflation. But prices are falling on a lot of items, like Charlie Sheen tickets."  –Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, 'That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, 'Because 'Glee' will be in reruns.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

It’s April 15th and Time to Hate the IRS Again

While I actually wanted to write about relationships between men and women, because it is just so much fun to do, (and the women make it so easy…I added that line to see if I can generate some hate mail, again, just for fun) but I felt it was my duty as a citizen of the United States and as a humor writer, this being tax week in the U.S., to take this opportunity to lampoon the IRS.

Ironically, the temperature where I live is supposed to be about ten degrees higher on April 15th than it has been and the next day it will go back to normal.  I’m guessing that is Mother Nature’s way of letting us know that on April 15th we are getting very close to hell in this country.

It’s hard not to hate the IRS, although there is so much competition for that hatred amongst the other government organizations, also denoted with three letters like the FDA, TSA, CIA, FBI, NSA, etc, etc.  Leave it to the government to make their name s too long to say so that they only use the acronym to describe them.  Well, at least on April 15th each year we will reserve that hate for the IRS.

The government almost closed up this week because of a budget crisis, which leads me to wonder, if the government workers had not gone into work would they have stayed home and leaned on shovels?

That’s not really fair of me to ask that.  Federal government employees don’t lean on shovels, that is reserved for city and county government workers.  The federal government workers, especially from the IRS, collect the money from the citizens to buy shovels that costs thousands of dollars each so that they can then give to unemployed people so that they can dig a really deep whole for the whole country financially.  At least that’s how it works metaphorically.  In reality, the government wouldn’t give shovels to unemployed workers to do something, they’d rather just give them the money directly and have them go home and do nothing.  And then point out how much they are trying to help them so that they vote for the idiots in Congress and the current President in the next election.

On second thought, this is almost as much fun as writing about relationships between men and women.  But, honestly, I have to ask myself, does it count as humor if it is this close to the truth?

Recently I had to fill out a W-9 form for the IRS.  It is a very simple half page, self explanatory form.  Attached to it there were three and a half pages of instructions.  I wanted to call the IRS and ask them why they needed all these instructions for a simple form.  I chose not to because I was afraid I’d have to go through twelve menus to get to the person that MIGHT give me an answer but more than likely I’d get cut off anyway when I got there.  So, instead I just imagined what the conversation would be like:

Me:  I was wondering why there are so many instructions for this simple form?

IRS worker: I’m sorry that is confidential information.

Me: Why is it confidential?  I’d like to know why my tax dollars are being wasted.

IRS worker:  Sir, Your tax dollars are being wasted on calls like this.

Me:  Does that mean you’re not going to give me an answer? Or does that mean you have no funny ending to this little skit I’m writing?

IRS worker:  The answer is yes to both.  Goodbye.

Yup, I was right, too close to the truth to count as humor.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - VIII

Here are some very funny quotes from famous people.  Most are intentionally funny, some are not:

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. –Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. –Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. –Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. –Oscar Levent

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. –Brooke Shields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. –Alfred Hitchcock

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. –Joe Rogan

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. –Al Gore

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. –Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. –Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. –Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing. -Voltaire

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. –Joe E. Lewis

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. –Chris Rock

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. –Henry A. Kissinger

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. –Josh Billings

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. –Kevin James

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. –Dennis Miller

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. –Mel Brooks

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. –Frank Lloyd Wright

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events – 04/12/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Hugh Hefner’s fiancé didn’t bother throwing him a surprise party for his 85th birthday.  She figured he wouldn’t remember it anyway.

If there had been a government shutdown I wonder if most people would have really noticed.

While covering the war in Libya, Fox reporter Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Moammar Kahdafi’s troops, which goes to show that even bad guys can do good things.  It also enraged the rebel troops more because they wanted to be the ones to shoot him.

Bristol Palin made $262,500 last year for her role in raising awareness about teen pregnancy.  When Bristol’s ex, Levi Johnston, heard about this he wanted to start promoting condom use but someone would actually have to explain to him what a condom is.

White House spokesman jay Carney said, “President Obama is not focused on re-election, he is focused on the job he was elected to do.”  Then he added, “Unfortunately, campaigning is the only thing he’s any good at.”

Carney also added, “Right now the president is working diligently on campaign promises he’ll be unable to keep.”

Next election Obama’s slogan will go from “Change You Can Believe In” to “Can You Believe We’ll Change?”  Actually in his next campaign the only change we’ll really see is in his slogan.

Obama seemed to be moving towards the middle in the budget deal, so much so that many democrats are questioning whether he is one of them or not.  First he doesn’t have a country that he was born in , now he has no political party, this poor guy is really lost.

If there had been a government shutdown I was planning on not paying taxes on the days there was no service.  I was going to prorate for the days they were off on my tax return.  I wonder if they would have  allowed that deduction?

In the Barry Bonds case about committing perjury regarding his steroid use Bonds’ ex-girlfriend testified that his testicles shrank after taking steroids.  Because of that Bonds will not be taking the stand in his own defense.  He’s afraid the opposing attorney is going to ask a question like, “So, dude, are we talking raisin size, or what?”

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Monday, April 11, 2011

Norm Peterson Quotes from Cheers

Here are some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers", which is why he was such a popular character on the show:   "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."   "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."   "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."   "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."   "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."   "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."   "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."   "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"   "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."   "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."   "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."   "Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."   "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."   "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."   "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."   "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."   "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."  darnfunnyonlijne.com

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Friday, April 8, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/08/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? "Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really." –Jay Leno

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Khadafy’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

"Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because 'SpongeBob' was on." –Conan O'Brien

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before. –Jay Leno

Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing. –Jay Leno

The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working. –Jay Leno

President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. His new slogan is “Change you can believe in — this time, I promise.” –Jay Leno

It turns out the White House might have to lay off staff members if the government shuts down on Friday. It’s really bad news for non-essential workers — you know, interns, pages, Biden . . –Jimmy Fallon

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of “Jersey Shore,” but the U.S. government is still up in the air. –Conan O’Brien

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Letters Between Adam and God

Dear God,

It’s me, Adam.  I, being a man and your ultimate creation, don’t really like to complain, but I feel a need to voice my opinion.  It seems like you made Eve with a few too many flaws.  Of course I love her, but there are times when she can be just a little too grumpy.  It seems to occur at regular intervals every month.  It seems like a basic flaw in the design.  I’m pretty mechanically inclined, being a man, so if you’d like some help on fixing that I’d like to offer my services.

The next thing is, again, not complaining because you know I never do, but it seems like Eve tends to nag a little too much.  After a long day of work in the Garden of Eden I like to come home and relax.  The problem is as soon as Eve sees me sitting on my reclining chair with my feet propped up she thinks I should be doing something around the house like painting or fixing something.  Maybe, in the new design you could have the women do those kinds of chores.  I think the men of future generations will thank me for making that request.

Next up, and you know I’m not a complainer, but, Eve seems to whine an awful lot.  If she’s not happy, nobody is going to be happy.  If she doesn’t like some situation she just tends to complain and go on and on about it no matter what.  I can give her an infinite amount of solutions but she’ll just tell me how they would never work, without her ever trying them.  It can get very frustrating.

Lastly, as we know our language has not developed very far yet, since we don’t have a word to describe this next thing, I’m going to have to coin a new word to describe it.  It seem like what she frequently does should be called “bitching.”  Yeah, I don’t know why but that just feels like an accurate description of the way she tends to act.  I guess the bitching, boy I really like that word, could be summed up to include all the things I already mentioned.

Well, God, I want to thank you very much for listening.  You know I’m not complaining here, because then I’d be doing exactly what I accused Eve of doing.  As we know I’m not a bitch.  There is a word that Eve has come up with to call me, which is “Asshole” and I have to say I’m not really fond of that name.  I’m pretty sure she’s not using it a complimentary way.  Then again you didn’t make her perfect like you made me so maybe she does intend it as a compliment, who knows?  I can’t really figure women out.

I know you told me before you accidentally dropped the mold that you made me from and it broke it so you were unable to make Eve as perfect as I am.  But, then again, since you did make me so perfect maybe I could help you fix up the pattern for Eve.  It’s an idea anyway.

Well, thanks for listening God, we’ll be in touch.  Hopefully you’ll consider my offer before you make too many more models of these women.  If there were a lot of women and they were doing this bitching thing it may be tough for future men to bear.  Just in case you turn down my offer, though, I’ve been thinking of an invention that will help men in the future cope with the bitching.  It would be a thing called a “bar.”

Sincerely,

Adam

Dear Adam,

I think you should know, I’m actually a woman.

Sincerely,

God

Dear God,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam

(Side note from God: “I’m neither a man or a woman but it sure was fun to yank Adam’s chain.  I think I'll call that 'humor'”)

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - VII

Here are some very funny quotes from people who are mostly very famous:

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. –Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. -Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. -Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. –Ellen Degeneres

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. –Angie Dickerson

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. –Mike Meyers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? –Margaret Smith

Never fight an inanimate object. –P.J. O’Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.-Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows. –Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. –Robert Orben

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. - H.L. Menchen

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. –Saint Augustine

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. –Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife. –Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials. –Ronald Reagan

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. –Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. –Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. –Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. –Chevy Chase

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events – 04/05/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye out for the current events this week:

It looks more and more like Obama’s only workable exit strategy for Libya, even if unintentional, will be when he loses the 2012 election.

Lady Gaga is going to be writing a fashion column, the meat industry couldn’t be more excited.

I saw an article about using human waste to fuel your car.  Talk about efficient, now when you have to pull over to the side of the road to relieve yourself you can also fill up the tank at the same time.

Last week Moammar Kahdafi  had a bad week, first  he lost his Foreign Minister when he defected and now the plastic surgeon who gave him facial plastic surgery went out of business because it ruined his reputation.

In an interview with ABC President Obama said he prays every night before he goes to bed…and apparently that’s all he’s been doing to handle the country.

A cobra from the Bronx zoo had escaped last week but they found him and returned him very quickly.  If only they could get the snakes out of the government that fast and return them to the zoo where they belong we’d all be so much better for it.

Facebook has gotten a lot of credit for helping to create new relationships.  Now it’s also getting blamed for breaking up relationships as divorce lawyers are going to court with Facebook evidence of inappropriate flirting, cheating and who know what kind of unseemly acts with Farmville animals.

Nike is planning a new Cheech and Chong sneaker. In these even if you are too fat to jump high you can get high without ever leaving the ground.

McDonald’s is planning to hire 50,000 new workers in one day.  Something smells bad about this deal and it’s not just the McDonald’s food after it’s been digested.  This is going to make the Obama administration look very good even while most of the jobs are going to be temporary.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t going to be some big “McFavors” from the Obama administration sliding under those tiny little table in their restaurants.

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Monday, April 4, 2011

More of the Best Democrat Jokes from Late Night

Here are more of the best jokes about Democrats over the last year or so from the late night comedians:

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.'' —Conan O'Brien

''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers

''I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?''' —Conan O'Bien

''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.'' —Jay Leno

''It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.'' —Jon Stewart

''President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.'' —Jimmy Fallon

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Friday, April 1, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/01/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians over the last week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien,David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally. –Jay Leno

A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime. –Jay Leno

President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, “Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.” –Conan O’Brien

Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news. –Conan O’Brien

English farmers are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. Farmers also say they won’t fall for the old “pull my hoof” trick. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, “Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date. –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest episode of 'Dancing With the Stars' was preceded by Obama's new show, 'Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked." –Jay Leno

"President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative." –Jay Leno

"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno

"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno

"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman

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