Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events -05/31/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on currents events over the last week:

It turns out that President Obama has Irish ancestry.  Donald Trump wants to see their birth certificates.

Obama was a little miffed because the security name that Scotland Yard had for him in England roughly translated to smart aleck.  But really that’s a compliment compared to a lot of the names he’s called in his own country.  (If there’s any doubt, I’m talking about the US not Kenya.)

Presidential candidate, Tim Pawlenty, said his campaign will tell the American people the truth, so already we know he’s lying to us.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine Donald Trump discusses his best orgasm ever.  Knowing how self absorbed The Donald can be I'm going to guess there was no other person involved with that orgasm.

A man was arrested last week for masturbating on a United Airlines flight.  When he left the plane they charged him a “getting off fee” and it wasn’t because he was leaving.

Speaking of airlines, Southwest Airlines has implemented a new fee.  They’ll charge $15 for curing constipation every time they scare it out of you on one of their planes.

Campbell’s announced sales of its soups have dropped due to rising food costs.  So, to combat that they are going to eliminate any of the real food they still do use in their soups.

The Pope’s advisor on pedophilia cases, an Italian priest, has been arrested and charged with pedophilia.  He told police he was just doing research so he could be a better advisor.

A burglar in Delaware was found sleeping on his victim’s couch after drinking too many beers during the robbery.  The 63 year old woman homeowner came home and he ran out when she said she was going to call to call the police.  He was later apprehended while he was walking in the neighborhood drinking a beer.  He would compare to great thieves as “pull my finger’ would compare to high brow humor.

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Really Funny Political Quotes from the Simpsons

Here are some really funny political quotes from the "Simpsons" TV show that have occurred over the years:

In the Simpsons episode ''The Day the Earth Was Stupid,'' a spoof of ''The War of the Worlds,'' two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation of Springfield and the rest of the planet:

''The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,'' one alien says. ''You said we'd be greeted as liberators!''

''Don't worry, we still have the people's hearts and minds,'' the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain.

''An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?''

—Barney Gumbel

''Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?''

—Homer Simpson

''I will not buy a presidential pardon.

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

''The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with 'hail Satan.'''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ''Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?''

Mr. Burns: ''Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?''

Krusty: ''Russian hooker, you tell me.''

Burns: ''We'll say you were on a fact finding mission.''

''I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag. This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the ''subliminal message'' claim during the campaign, in which the word ''RAT'' briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned

Todd Flanders: ''Daddy, what do taxes pay for?''

Ned Flanders: ''Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em!''

Bart Simpson: ''Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?''

Grampa Simpson: ''I figured because the democrats were in power again.''

''Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!''

—Lisa Simpson

''I will not scare the vice president.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney's heart condition

''No one cares what the definition of 'is' is.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Bill Clinton's famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Grampa: ''Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.''

''The president did it is not an excuse.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

''Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way.''

—Homer Simpson

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 05/27/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

"The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver." –Jimmy Fallon

"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman

"In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed." –Jay Leno

"Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders." –Jay Leno

"According to Osama bin Laden's journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don't have much of a plan for the show." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien
"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It's terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored." –Craig Ferguson

"I tell you what; Hawaiian, Kenya, Irish – this guy truly is the Epcot Center of presidents." –Jimmy Kimmel, on President Obama visiting Ireland and meeting some of his Irish relatives

“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening

"President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, 'Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive." –Jay Leno

President Obama told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States. –Jay Leno

I like to think Oprah will be like Batman, and that we can shine a spotlight into the sky and she’ll reappear when we need her most — like when we can’t figure out what to read. –Craig Ferguson

One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called “The Undefeated.” That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called “The Faithful.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he’s going to do something. –Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, seven candidates — and about 35 ex-wives. –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Man Clean vs. Woman Clean

When men clean something, unless it is a car, they have a completely different standard of clean than women have, and by different I mean lower.  Not that we consider the object or room to be unclean, but if a women were to inspect our cleaning job after we do it to our “man clean” standard her first response will be to shake her head, then she’ll try to shame us into redoing the job and ultimately she will bypass us altogether and clean it herself and point out the difference afterward (which we won’t be able to see).

“Woman clean” seems so unnecessary to a man.  When a man cleans up in the house his viewpoint is to get off the worse dirt and the female of the house can get the rest.  We figure we did the hard work and you can take over from there.  We just never put it to the woman like that for self-preservation reasons.  It’s not unlike when we open a jar for the woman, we feel like we cooked the meal but she gets to take the credit.  Being such benevolent guys we can live with that.

“Woman clean” compared to “man clean” could be compared to the high-pitched sounds that only a dog can hear.  Men just don’t see what the women see.

This is a little known fact, but, men used to be in charge of the cleaning back in the caveman days.  They would get the cave spick and span by their standard and then when the woman would get home from having a Sabertooth tiger burger with a swamp grass salad on the side with her girlfriends at the local cave diner she would throw a hissy fit about the cleaning job that he did.  It got to the point that he had to carry a club around just to protect himself.  Finally, the cave woman got so sick of the lousy cleaning job that the man did that she took over the cleaning hat, and that’s where we have it today.  We men keep trying every now and then but we just can’t seem to get our cleaning up to the woman’s standard.  And darn it, we are really upset about that (to the guys only: wink, wink.)

This week we will get a guest rebuttal to what I have to say by my girlfriend, Su.  (Please, don’t confuse her with our occasional guest columnist, Dear Crabby, who some might think she is the real life version of.  Just to be clear, I would never think that, nor do I know anybody who would, just sayin’.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man clean. Oxymoron. For decades, I’ve lived by the adage “A clean machine is a happy machine.” You’d think that guys, who are into machines, would instinctively understand this. Maybe it’s because they stopped cleaning back in the caveman days, before machines.

Recently, our vacuum cleaner wasn’t working. I asked Steve to check it out. He looked at it. He said, “I don’t see anything wrong.”

I answered, “Was the roller clean? Was the belt on track?” You’d of thought I was speaking Greek. Or Cave.

Sigh.

There are things that men are good at, though—taking out the trash, for instance. Steve is so good at this, in fact, that sometimes he puts the cans on the street days before pickup. Hmmmm, I just had a thought…. Maybe he did that so I wouldn’t see that he forgot to put it out the week before….

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(Seriously, guys, she is NOT Dear Crabby.)

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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Jeff Foxworthy One-Liners

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from Jeff Foxworthy, the "Redneck comedian":

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events-05/24/11

Here are some funny observations made after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

The big sigh of resignation that you may have heard last week was done collectively by all the late night comedians when Donald Trump announced that he would not run for president.

Donald Trump decided not to run for president because he was afraid he’d have to prove his hair was real.

Miss Wisconsin was charged with three counts of identity theft so she gave back her crown.  One of the incidents of identity theft occurred during the Miss Wisconsin Beauty Contest when during the talent competition she showed a video of Kirstie Alley in Dancing With the Stars and passed it off as herself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unfavorable rating has recently gone up to 68%.  But it really depends on who you survey because among Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Al Gore they couldn’t give him a better rating.

In fact, those three same guys were all calling Arnold and asking for the employment agency where he got his maid.

It’s actually a little surprising that Maria Shriver would be so upset with Arnold that she would split up with him, after all, she is a Kennedy.

In Texas, a 100 year old woman graduated from high school.  I guess she was held back a few times.

America has reached its debt limit of $14.3 trillion. Now Obama is getting daily calls from a collection Agency in China asking for a minimum payment to keep the account alive.

I saw a headline that said sperm whales speak in accents.  I didn’t even know they spoke languages at all.   But, being a “sperm “whale I’m guessing the language is the “language of love” and that would make the accent like a French guy, I guess.

Dick Cheney wrote his memoir entitled “In my Time.” Some chapter titles that they wanted to make rhyme with the book title were, “Waterboarding, It’s My Line,” and “Shoot’em in the Face, It’s Just Fine.”  And there was one suggested by George W. Bush, that they didn’t use and it didn’t rhyme with the others, but it did rhyme with itself was “Uncle Dick Sure is a Prick.”

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Monday, May 23, 2011

Funny Joe Biden Quotes

Here are some funny Joe Biden quotes, not that he meant them to be funny, he is not able to help himself:

"[David] Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter -- but I told him I'm much better when I wing it. I know these evenings run long, so I'm going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can't be here tonight -- because he's busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it's about him." --Joe Biden, at the 2009 Gridiron dinner

"Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs." --Joe Biden

"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!" --Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

"If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It's a pretty hard experience. He'll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at." --Joe Biden

"There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11." --Joe Biden, on Rudy Giuliani

"I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says too." --Joe Biden

"Yes." --Joe Biden, giving a one-word answer during a Democratic debate to NBC Anchor Brian Wiliams, who cited criticism of Biden's "uncontrolled verbosity" and tendency to be a “gaffe machine” in asking whether he would "have the discipline you would need on the world stage"

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." --Joe Biden on Barack Obama

"I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS. There's no shame in being tested for AIDS. It's an important thing."

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." --Joe Biden

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Friday, May 20, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/20/11

Here are some of the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." –Jay Leno

"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O'Brien

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street." –David Letterman

"Trump won't run for president. I'm thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession." –David Letterman

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson

"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know that 'love child' is an accurate term. I'd call it an 'oh crap' child." –Jimmy Kimmel on Arnold Schwarzenegger having a child with his maid 10 years ago

"I mean – when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord – you'd think that would be a sign." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters — all of whom are late night comedians." –Conan O'Brien

"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." –Conan O'Brien

"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages.  So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World — and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." –David Letterman

"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson

"Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama's re-election is Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody’s parents showed up and made it weird." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"To save money, Washington state has canceled next year's presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn't have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever." –Jay Leno

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." –Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year. –Jay Leno

Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy. –Jay Leno

A woman in California is in trouble for injecting her 8-year-old daughter with Botox. The daughter is the first kid in history that made a face and it really did get stuck that way. –Conan O’Brien

A new app lets you get items at 7-Eleven without cash or a credit card. The app is known as a gun. –Conan O’Brien

Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That’s funny because I had just the opposite experience. –David Letterman

Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader — and so is SEAL Team 6. –David Letterman

It’s quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room. –David Letterman

Today is “National Visit Your Relatives Day!” Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, “Better make it two days.” –Jimmy Fallon

McDonald’s is changing the recipe of its grilled chicken sandwich to give it quote “a more neutral flavor profile.” I’m getting hungry just hearing the words, “neutral flavor profile.” –Jimmy Fallon

McDonald’s actually said they want their chicken sandwich to taste less Italian. Which is why today, they hired the head chef from the Olive Garden. –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Let’s Weigh Another Difference Between Men and Women

With summer just around the corner, people will want to start going to the beach.  This was often a cause for concern for many people, mostly women, because they were worried how they were going to look in a bathing suit.  It created a boom for fad diets and weight loss gimmicks.  But as America’s collective asses get bigger and bigger this is becoming less of a problem.

It should be noted here before we go further that men also care about what they look like but usually when a man looks in the mirror and he sees a stud.  This is because a man is able to see through his own fat and see the body beneath it.  No one else can see his body like that but it looks that way to him.  Strangely he can see other people’s fat, especially women’s, but his own can easily be ignored.

Women, traditionally, balance out this fat equation by seeing much more fat on their body’s when they look in the mirror.  So it works out really well for the men…until reality rears its ugly head.

Men are basically shallow.  To say that men generally have a lot of self awareness would be like saying Chastity is a good name for a hooker.  We can clearly see outnesses in others, again, especially in women.  But when we glance in a mirror and see ourselves, no matter how bad we look we respond with an excited and satisfied, “Oh Yeah!!”

Women balance this out for us again by getting overly concerned with how they look when they glance in the mirror, and by glancing I mean spending ten minutes analyzing and trying to fix things.

A man can have to purchase two seats to be able to fly on an airplane but the only concession he’ll  make is that he might be slightly overweight.

Women obsess about their weight to the point that it is now a cliché that a woman will ask, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  I think, just for fun, and to cure her of ever asking again, men should answer that question with, “No, the jeans have nothing to do with it.  It’s the fat on your ass that makes your ass look fat.”  On second thought that could be the joke that sends us to our grave so let’s just leave that one alone.  We can just snicker to ourselves the next time she asks and continue to abruptly answer that with, “No, those jeans look great on you.”  It really doesn’t matter because she’ll change them anyway.

So, as I alluded to in the first paragraph the solution to people worrying about their weight apparently is that everyone just lets themselves get fatter.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and 150lbs. for a woman is becoming the new 120lbs.  Women are going to continue to obsess about their weight and their looks and men will continue to obsess about women’s weight and looks, but not their own.

That said, there are exceptions to these rules, like myself for example.  In fact, I think I’ll give myself the once over in the mirror right now… “Oh Yeah!!”  Heck, it looks like I can eat another bag of potato chips before I go to bed.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Some Kurt Vonnegut Quotes

Some of these are funny and some, not so much, but they are all good quotes from Kurt Vonnegut:

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.

Human beings will be happier - not when they cure cancer or get to Mars or eliminate racial prejudice or flush Lake Erie but when they find ways to inhabit primitive communities again. That's my utopia.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.

I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it's a very poor scheme for survival.

If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy.

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

People don't come to church for preachments, of course, but to daydream about God.

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.

Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events - 05/17/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events over the past week:

Obama is going to have his picture on the new money that’s going to come out.  They are going to call it Nuclear Money.  They are going to call it that because they’ve given out so much regular money during his administration that it will only have a half-life of regular money.

Justin Beiber was on an episode of CSI and that show’s star said he was a brat.  When Justin was asked for a response he started kicking and screaming and said she was a big do-do head.

A new perfume has added the smell of pork to its aromatic blend.  I knew America was getting fatter but this is ridiculous.

We are learning more and more about Osama bin Laden.  His first wife was actually his first cousin and she was only 15 years old when they were married so it’s very possible that for part of the last nine years they have been hiding in the hills of Tennessee.

Donald Trump had a recent interview with Rolling Stone Magazine.  It seems he really gave out a lot of information about himself – he really let his hair down.

Bristol Palin is coming out with a memoir this summer, it’s called “Not Afraid of Life.” And it has a subtitle, “But I am Kind of Afraid of My Mom.”

A TSA screener in Kansas City was criticized for patting down an 8 month old baby.  The screener defended himself saying that there was a suspicious smell coming from the baby’s diaper.

Linsday Lohan was sentenced to 4 months in prison and 400 hours of community service.  She said she was happy so that she could get on with her career.  I can only assume she was talking about her career as a jewelry thief.

A man in Nigeria says God guided him to take 107 wives.  If that is true it looks like God is trying to get a reality show where he tricks people into doing really stupid things.

If this guy with all these wives is from Nigeria maybe he is the person who keeps e-mailing me to help him to get his money out of the country.  Because if they start divorcing him he could end up financially ruined.

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Monday, May 16, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - IX

Here are some very funny quotes from famous people that were made over the years:

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

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Thursday, May 12, 2011

How Men and Women Discuss Relationships

The reputation is that women get together and they talk about relationships over a two hour lunch and then they split up the bill down to the penny and if they catch the waiter trying to listen in on their conversation they stiff him.  But recent research that I have done (meaning I thought about it and came up with this theory) is that men talk about relationships just as much as women do, maybe more.

This may surprise you but, frankly, it appears the men are also much more sensitive about it all too.  Here’s an example:

Woman #1:  Bob just doesn’t communicate with me anymore.  He just comes home and plops down in front of the TV and stares at it until he falls asleep.

Woman #2: I hear you.  My Joe does the same thing.  There is one night a week that’s different though.  I have to admit I get excited every week when Monday comes around… because he goes bowling and I get the house to myself.

(They both laugh.)

Men on the other hand take their relationship talk much more seriously.  Here’s what I mean:

Man #1:  I was watching the Lakers’ game last night and there just doesn’t seem to be any communication going on with them the way they move the ball around.

Man #2: I know what you mean.  I’m really worried about it.  If they keep going this way there won’t be any 3-peat.

Now you see what I mean.  There is genuine concern with the men whereas the women are quite cavalier about this relationship problem and just make a joke about it (and not that funny of one either.)  As it turns out that male conversation above turned out to be very prophetic and I, for one, am very distraught about the Lakers’ loss in the playoffs, stemming from their lack of communication, the cornerstone of any relationship.

Men and women also both talk about sex with their friends pretty equally.  Here’s another example:

Woman #1:  Bob was all horny last night and when I finally got the kids to sleep and went up to the bedroom he was asleep.

Woman #2:  HaHa! Just like a man!

(No one really likes that woman #2.)

Now let’s listen to men discussing sex:

Man #1:  So there I was watching the Lakers and for the first time in a week my wife wants to have sex.

Man #2: Oh my god!  What did you do?

Man #1:  Fortunately I was able to hold her off until halftime.

Man #2:  Cool!  Did you miss any of the game?

Man #1:  No, that was the beauty of the whole thing.  We were done and she had time to make me a snack too before the game was back on.

Man#2:  Oh, that’s beautiful, man.  So it was a win-win for everyone!  Way to go!

Are you following my line of thinking here?  Men – SENSITIVE.  Women, not so much.

Here’s another example that should seal the deal on the sensitivity thing:

Woman #1:  Bob hasn’t bugged me to have sex for weeks now.  I have to admit I’m kind of enjoying it.

Woman #2:  I know what you’re saying.

Here’s the men.  I’ll have to set up this scenario.  They are watching a basketball game and the team they are rooting for make a three point play with only seconds to go, putting them ahead by 5 points.  They jump to their feet and high-five each other.

Man #1:  They (meaning the opposing team) are so screwed now!

They high-five again.

So, you see the men are not only sensitive, but in this example they are also quite passionate about the screwing.  Sensitive and passionate, what a combination!

I don’t know about you but all this relationship talk has somehow put me in the mood to watch some basketball.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

More of the Best Late Night binLaden Jokes

Here are some more of the best jokes from the late night comedians about Osama bin Laden being dead:

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

“By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? –Jimmy Kimmel

"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman

"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It Could Be Worse – Issue 16

It's time for another version of "It Could be Worse" where we cheer ourselves up by looking at no matter how bad things seem to be they can always be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be a dog living with a hungry Vietnamese family:

2)      You could be a  homeless person and just as you are making your “will work for food” sign your magic marker dries up.

3)      You could be a very virtuous, attractive, slightly overweight woman and saving yourself for marriage and be set up on a blind date with Bill Clinton.

4)      You could run out of gas on a lonely desolate road and your only source of new gas is the food you ate an hour ago at Taco Bell.

5)      You could have a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses ringing your doorbell and they refuse to leave because they know you are hiding inside.

6)      You could be a guy in a bar telling your friends about the sexual conquest you had last night and through the fog of the beer you realize it was just a masturbation fantasy.

7)      You could be that guy again in the bar talking to your friends and you tell them about the cleavage you just saw but you don’t tell them that it was the cleavage of your fat-assed plumber who was at your house to unclog the toilet.

8)      You could have so many weird things happening to you that you qualify to get your own reality show.

9)      You could have been Donald Trump’s brother named John and when people started calling him “the Donald” they started calling you “the John”.

10)   You could get a free piece of birthday cake when you eat at Denny’s and the only thing you can think to wish for when you blow out the candles is to be in a different restaurant.

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Monday, May 9, 2011

Best Late Night bin Laden Dead Jokes

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians about Osama bin Laden being dead:

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." -Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman

"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, Douche'" –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart

"He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot." –Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Friday, May 6, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/06/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson.  The jokes are mostly about bin Laden's death, and they should be:

"Osama is up to 2,000 friends on Shot-in-the-Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag. They knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't being protected by the Pakistani military." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp." –Jay Leno

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head." –Jay Leno

"The White House says they’re not going to release the death photo, so we’ll just have to wait till Donald Trump forces them to release it. The White House did release his last words: 'Don’t tase me, bro.'" –Jay Leno

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

"After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you're Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good." –Jay Leno

"NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

"Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'" –Jay Leno

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, 'Are you guys here about the dishwasher?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien

"Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Visit From Advice Columnist Dear Crabby

Today we have darnfunnyonline’s occasional guest columnist Dear Crabby (whose name is well deserved.)  It’s all yours Crabby:

Do you think I don’t know you say something when you put it in parentheses?  (Moron!)

Anyway, it is so nice to be back with my wonderful readers here on darnfunnyonline and I hope to give you something worthwhile to read rather than the normal drivel you are used to.

Let’s go to our first question:

Dear Crabby:

My wife tends to be kind of mean sometimes.  I don’t think she wants to be mean to me, she just tends to be a little moody.  My friends think that I am henpecked because I put up with it.  I don’t feel I’m henpecked, I just try to deal with her mood swings and try not to create a problem between us.  But yesterday it got a little scary because my wife was yelling at me as she was cooking and she had a knife in her hand and as she was yelling she was waving the knife.  Do you think I have a problem here?

Worried Warren,

Dear Worried Warren,

It sounds like you were facing a wife or death situation there.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hold on Warren I have to catch my breath after that one.  It’s about time there is some real humor on this site. (Unless of course you didn’t think that was funny – then Steve gave me the idea for that one.)  Anyway, Warren, back to your situation, I don’t think henpecked is the right word to describe you.  I think you are more whipped than a slow horse on a muddy track.  I think you need to grow a set of you know what because the ones you have now must be like a shriveled up set of raisins.

On the plus side for you, I doubt she will ever actually kill you.  She’d never find anybody as wimpy as you that would put up with her.

Crabby

Next question, and no more wusses!

Dear Crabby,

My fiancé and I went on vacation and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.  I now find myself pregnant.  This would not have happened if we had been put in the room that I booked.  Do you think we should sue?

Poor Pauline

Dear Poor Pauline,

If you are going to sue anyone I should think it would be your parents for producing an offspring as unbelievably stupid as you seem to be.  I’d put your upset aside and thank god that you found someone that was willing to not only have sex with you, but also marry an idiot like you.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My husband and I just vacationed in Jamaica and when we flew home to England it took us nine hours to fly home whereas the Americans who were on the same trip got home in three hours.  I don’t think that is fair.  Who do you think I should complain to?

Tired of Flying

Dear Tired of Flying,

My first thought after reading your letter was that I was in a time warp and you were the future daughter of Poor Pauline, who until now I thought was the most stupid person anyone could imagine.  But, I see now that there are no limits to the imagination.  You win the stupid contest!  The only thing I can say about your long flight is that it is very fortunate that there were that many more hours in your existence where you were unable to have sex with your husband, who’ll I’ll assume is an idiot by association, so that you could not spawn another person with a sub-zero IQ.  PLEASE, never have children!

Crabby

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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Best Recent Jay Leno Jokes

In acknowledgement of his birthday last week here are some of Jay Leno's best jokes over the last couple of years:

''Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.''

''I understand it's not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he's ever come to wearing protection of any kind.'' —( on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's wedding)

''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.''

''There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe.''

''Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work.''

''It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.''

''It's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad, they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? It's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.''

''Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.''

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.'''

''A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?''

''Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries.''

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.''

''The White House is calling for bailed-out executives to get a 90% pay cut. They want their pay cut 90% so it's more in line with the job they're doing. Here's my question: why can't we get this for Congress?''

''In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different.''

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events – 5/03/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events over the last week:

Last week Delta Airlines was warned about several rat droppings found in their planes.  Delta took this opportunity to charge fliers a rat dropping clean up fee.

A cat was found that was suspected to have swum from New Jersey to New York Harbor, about a one mile swim, after being swept up in torrential rains in New Jersey.  It really wasn’t that heroic with all the pollution in the water the cat was able to walk most of the way.

The reverend Franklin Graham said that social media could play a big part in the second coming of Christ.  I’m not sure how that is so, unless the reverend thinks Jesus likes to waste a lot of time online and play with pretend farm animals.

Obama’s daughters went to him and asked him for a raise in their allowances.  He refused by saying the economy is too bad and they all have to learn to live within their means.  So the girls called Donald Trump and told him the birth certificate is a fake.

Last Thursday was National Take our Sons and Daughters to Work Day.  This is no longer a special day for many people.  Many have to have to take their kids to work because they can no longer afford a baby sitter.

One of Charlie Sheen’s Goddesses broke up with him so she has gone from a Goddess to a godless, winless, whore.

Osama bin Laden was killed by US Troops.  He was expecting to be rewarded in Heaven with 72 virgins.  Instead he’ll be headed in the other direction and there will be no virgins but he’ll get two fat gay guys with every STD known to man.

Justin Bieber was scolded by a Qantas Airline flight attendant and was told he was acting like a child.  His only response was, “…And, what’s your point?”

Two soldiers that were killed in the Korean War were given the Medal of Honor.  So, apparently the government is acting with his usual efficiency.

In Miami one person was killed and five others were injured after a rat caused a car accident by chewing through wires that cause street lights to go out and resulted in an accident.  The rats in Miami are bad enough just don’t piss off any of those Florida cockroaches.

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Monday, May 2, 2011

The Best of Jay Leno Jokes

Last week was Jay Leno's 61st birthday so to celebrate here are some of his best jokes over the last year or so:

''Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?''

''It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.''

''President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security.''

''Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'''

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.''

''President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.''

''President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original.''

''In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well.''

''We're learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah, isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down.''

''When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good.''

''Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'''

''I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system.''

''A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder , has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.''

''You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.''

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