Funny Quotes From TV, Movies and Artists

Here are some funny quotes from TV shows, movies, and some famous people:

Funny Life Quotes by Artists

I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more.
Cat Stevens

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
Jim Morrison

Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there - I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television.
Andy Warhol

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

Funny Life Quotes in TV

"I could have drank myself into a really great Life."
Patricia Arquette- Medium

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

...And In Movies

My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Forrest Gump

It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.
Marilyn Monroe

“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror”
Byrd Baggett

“Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.”

When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Jean Harlow

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.
Judy Garland

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 08/30/11

Here are  some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

A 75 year old woman recently had a breast implant.  This raised her perkiness quotient from her knees to her waist.

Simon Cowell said in an interview with GQ that he wants his body frozen when he dies.  Some think he wanted to get a jump on things by having an ice cold personality.

Baseball player Nick Swisher and his actress wife are going on a honeymoon in Afghanistan.  This is a sure sign that they consider marriage to be hell.

I saw a headline that said “No More Jobs.”  I thought it was about Steve Jobs resigning as the Apple CEO but it was actually about Obama’s economic policies.

Steve Jobs resigned as the CEO of Apple.  Some say it was for health reasons but it was actually for the challenge of finding a new line of products that he can vastly overcharge the public for and make them stand in long lines to do it!

Joe Biden is saying that the U.S. needs more economic stimulus which is the best evidence yet that more stimulus is a bad idea.

It was very hot this past week in Southern California and there’s been no rain all summer.  It’s causing many Facebook users with Farmville farms to pretend to worry about their pretend crops.

Dick Cheney’s new memoir comes out this week.  Surprisingly, it shows his emotional side as he expresses his love of waterboarding and torture in general.

Cheney is also working to head off any critics of his book.  He’s taking a pro-active approach and invited anyone who wanted to discuss the book with him in person to go on a hunting trip with him.

It was so hot this past week that Lady Gaga decided to be very efficient and wear a bacon dress outside until it cooked and then she went inside, added tomato and lettuce, and had lunch.

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Letterman’s top Ten Lists from 8/22/11 – 8/25/11

Here are some of David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Ways Regis Philbin Celebrated His 80th Birthday

10 Spent a quiet day at home annoying his loved ones

9 Wandered streets in his bathrobe

8 Returned birthday gifts for cash

7 Dozed off in his cake

6 “Private” celebration with joy in their jungle-themed bedroom

5 Waved at traffic

4 Kelly surprised him with an ambush makeover

3 Pool party with his goddesses

2 3:00 p.m. dinner with Rickles

1 Posted anti-Dave rant on al-Qaida website

Top Ten Signs Moammar Gadhafi Is Hiding in Your Neighborhood

10 You say “Good morning, neighbor.” You hear, “Good morning, Zionist pig”

9 Ayman al-Zawahiri knocks on your door and says, “Whoops, wrong house”

8 Someone keeps forgetting to clean up after his camel

7 Guy introduces himself as “Carl,” but spells it with a Q

6 High school soccer games now begin with Libyan national anthem

5 Every shopping plaza within a 10-mile radius is out of enormous sunglasses

4 Navy SEALs requested permission to turn your kid’s tree house into a sniper’s nest

3 Monday: quiet; Tuesday: quiet; Wednesday: mobs of gun-toting Libyan rebels; Thursday: quiet

2 Neighbor keeps parking his tank on your Prius

1 In background of his latest video message, you see you

Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake

10 “That was the scariest two seconds of my life!”

9 “It’s lootin’ time”

8 “Hey, you forgot your champagne”

7 “5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in”

6 “These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin’ my world”

5 “My hiccups are gone”

4 “Wheeeeee”

3  “Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency”

2 “Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery”

1 “Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!”

Top Ten Thought’s That Went Through Letterman’s Mind After Hearing About the Threat

10 “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line”

9 “Nothing says summer like a death threat”

8 “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”

7 “Save me, Oprah”

6 “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”

5 “And here I thought nobody watched the show”

4 “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”

3 “Some people get Emmy nominations, some people get death threats”

2  “This seems like Leno’s handiwork”

1“Oh my God! They canceled ‘The George Lopez Show’”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/26/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including David Letterman and Craig Ferguson. (The rest are on vacation.)

"Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?" –David Letterman

"The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that." –David Letterman

"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

"After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

"They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. " –David Letterman

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno. –David Letterman

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, "Just shoot me." –David Letterman

"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson

"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson

"No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains." –Craig Ferguson

Someone sent the show an envelope with white powder which turned out to be corn starch. On the one hand, I have an enemy out there, but on the other hand, my suits will now be thicker and richer. –Craig Ferguson

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.” –Craig Ferguson

We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day. –Craig Ferguson

They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke. –Craig Ferguson

If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking “Dancing With the Stars.” –Craig Ferguson

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas. –Craig Ferguson

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Back to School Times

As I see the back to school specials and parents scurrying through stores getting their children ready for the next nine or ten months of parental vacation, where they can blame the schools for their kid’s screw ups, it makes me hark back to my own youth.  Ah, yes, as I transitioned from goofing off in the summer, unsupervised, to goofing off in school, while being supervised.  It was a definite art and was a major part of my education which enhanced my creativity.  And it helped me become such a gooderest writer that I am today with unik speelin skils.  (If you are reading this after reading some of my older posts and you are thinking, “Hey, buddy, you don’t have to fake the bad grammar and spelling,” you’ll have to take it up with my old teachers.  It’s their fault, they should have made me study harder, or at all.)

Those were simpler times, of course.  Back then a kid only had to worry about getting his lunch money stolen or getting paddled by the teacher in front of the rest of the class.  Now kids have all those worries and so many more, such as, being prepared with birth control in case your teacher wants to have sex with you.

Kids are so much more advanced these days.  Back in my day students never had sex with teachers in high school.  You had to wait until you got to college to hone that skill and even then it was just the female students.   Actually, there weren’t even any teachers at my school, in any grade that I would have been interested in.  Of course, there was that one teacher that used to sneak up behind the kids and do a strategic pinch on their shoulder that would make them squirm in their chair.  Not a sexual kind of squirm, though.  So, I don’t think that would qualify and he only did it to the boys anyway, or as they used to say on the Seinfeld show, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Another tough decision kids have today, that we didn’t have to go through, is choice of weapon.  For example, is a knife sufficient?  Should I carry a gun, or pack, as they say?  How do I get it through the metal detector?  There are so many choices.

I had a distinct advantage back in the day because I played sports in high school.  I would say I was a superstar but there are some of my old high school friends who read these articles and they know better.  Still, I was good enough to make it an advantage.  I was able to get away with more than a lot of kids.  But if the teacher didn’t like sports it became a definite disadvantage.  Then it was like getting chickens to swim and since I went to school, that they cannot swim, is one of the many valuable things I learned there.  I also learned about cosines in algebra, or geometry, one of those classes that vaguely had something to do with math.  Anyway, back to the cosines, since I was very logical I didn’t have to listen when they taught about that because it is obviously just referring to two signs.  Logic is such a great time saver.

There were so many useful things that I learned in school, too many to mention here.  And now that I’ve wrapped up this article I can put to use those valuable goofing off lessons I learned so well back then.

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Funny Quotes About Life

Here are some funny quotes about life from Chris Rock, Oscar Wilde, Woody Allen, Graucho Marx, Fran Lebowitz and Mark Twain:

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Chris Rock

“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”
Oscar Wilde

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.”
Oscar Wilde

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Groucho Marx

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain

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Funny Observations From Current Events – 08/23/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Abercrombie & Fitch has paid Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino, The Situation, to not wear their brand of clothing anymore because they were afraid it might hurt sales.  Now humans beings in general are also feeling he might reflect badly on all humans should aliens from another planet land on earth.

Last Friday was National Aviation Day so all the airline pilots got together and got drunk.  They had invited the air traffic control guys to the party too but they all just fell asleep.

There was a mysterious orange goo that showed up on the shoreline of a village in Alaska.  Turns out it was just residue of the make-up that John Boehner wears.

Burger King has dethroned their king as their mascot because they want to promote a healthy image.  At the same time McDonald’s is considering a new slogan, “Our mascot is a clown and we still kick Burger King’s ass.”

Starbucks is no longer going to let customers use their Internet service a whole day and just buy one cup of coffee.  They say if this is successful they may be able to lower their prices to only 4 times what they should be charging.

The man who saved a 6 year-old girl from a child abductor says he’s an illegal immigrant.  Now Congress is jumping on the band wagon with a new immigration policy – Save a life, get amnesty.

Bill Clinton celebrated his 65^th birthday.  He had a great time a in a relaxing hotel with a wonderful celebration and afterward he even took a call from Hillary wishing him a happy birthday.

The Georgetown University basketball team had a goodwill basketball tour in China that coincided with Joe Biden visiting China.  The Chinese team started a big fight and they couldn’t even finish the game.  It turns out they were pissed at the Americans for bringing Joe Biden into the country.

There was a shortage of drugs reported by drug companies and suddenly the world became brighter to so many people.  (Not a joke so much as a social commentary.)

Bill Clinton became a vegan but this is somewhat hypocritical of him because he is still very thankful that Monica Lewinsky was not a vegan back when he was President.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/19/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (Leno, Letterman and Fallon are on vacation this week.)

"The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology." –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il." –Conan O'Brien

"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart

"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

President Obama is on a bus tour talking about jobs, and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That’s so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would be made in China. –Conan O’Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house. –Conan O’Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she’ll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him. –Conan O’Brien

Ford engineers are working on technology to let your car communicate with the cars around you. The new technology is called “a horn.” –Conan O’Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins. - Jimmy Kimmel

Perry was a Democrat at one time, but only once, when he was experimenting in college. - Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to. - Jimmy Kimmel

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Men Are The Sensitive Sex

In matters of the heart guys are actually much saner than women…Well, maybe not but it at least sounded like a good thesis for debate.

When you think about it men will actually dote on women more and do things for them, especially manly things like heavy lifting (when our backs aren’t hurting)  and pretending to know how to fix things around the house before we secretly end up calling a professional to really fix it, than women do.  Okay, okay, I can hear the women groaning as you read this but you have to admit there is at least a measure of truth to that when we think we’ll be rewarded with sex.

And, truthfully, if we think the sex will be extra special we’ll put on a maid’s outfit (unfortunately, for some the maid’s outfit is all the reward they need) and clean the whole house if we have to.  This is where the women have us at an unfair advantage because they know we are stupid enough to go to any extreme if sex is involved.

Proof positive that men are of a very sensitive nature can be had by walking into any sports bar after the home town team has lost a game.  There will be a lot of crying going on in that place, my friend, even if it is into their beer, but still!

I, myself, am a very sensitive guy and this is not just where it concerns me directly but about other people too.  For example, when I see a pregnant woman it often brings tears to my eyes.  It lets me know that a man recently had sex with that woman and that is always a heartwarming experience.  So, not only sensitive but unselfish too.  Wow!

We give and we give and this is just for the promise of sex.  The woman doesn’t always deliver (I dare say in some cases, often doesn’t) but we still keep doing things for her because we have hope.

(Wait, we’re still talking about matters of the heart, right?  Whatever, a man’s heart, as well as his brain are both located in the crotch.)

I know the women reading this are probably thinking of all the sacrifices they make for their spouses and their entire families because they love them and all of this goes unappreciated and taken for granted…WELL, DUH!  It’s just expected from you women, that’s what taken for granted means.

When we men do something sweet and unselfish we make a big deal out of it so everyone knows it and we can inflate our egos.  We make such a big deal out of it that the women don’t want us to do this nice stuff too often so they have to hear about it long afterward.  It’s all part of our master plan.  You women were just more responsible and that’s why you get taken for granted because it was just expected.  We men already scored on sensitive and unselfish, so let’s add brilliant to that too.

Men are also very competitive so it’s a good thing we won (at least according to my calculations) because if we had lost, due to our extremely sensitive nature, we probably would have cried about it, even if it was into our beer.

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More President Obama Jokes From Late Night

Here are some more funny Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering the last 6-8 months:

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." —Bill Maher

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

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It Could Be Worse – Issue 18

It's time for another version of It could Be Worse where we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than they seem to be at the moment.

It could be worse:

1)      You could be heavily invested in the stock market….or at least used to be heavily invested.

2)      Right after you switched to Verizon from AT&T because of bad service Verizon employees went out on strike and your bad service continued…uninterrupted.

3)      You could be a lab rat, which not only means you are a rat but they also do experiments on you.

4)      You could be a regular ceiling in a house and know that you can never be raised any higher than you are right now, unlike if you were a debt ceiling.

5)      You could be Bert and Ernie, who after an online petition to have you wed, decide to just continue being Muppets with benefits.

6)      You could be Alex Trebek , who tore an Achilles tendon while chasing a prostitute who robbed his hotel room and now you are the butt of every possible version of a “Jeopardy” joke about it.

7)      You could be Michele Bachman, who was quoted as saying we need a president who is a fighter, when what she really wanted to say was that we need a president with a set of balls, but she knew that wouldn’t help her get elected.

8)      You could be President Obama and make the statement, “There’s nothing wrong with our country.  There’s something wrong with our politics,” and not realize you are the head politician leading all the other crazy politicians.

9)      You could be Newt Gingrich who only beat “other” in the Iowa straw poll by less than 1% and then you celebrate your “victory” with a trip to Tiffany’s to buy something for your wife.

10)   You could be Obama trying to create new jobs and find out that even the border patrol is no longer hiring because Mexican’s no longer want to come into the country.

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Best President Obama Jokes From Late Night

Here are some of the best and funniest Obama jokes from the late night comedians over the last 6 months or so:

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno, on the debt deal

"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman, on the debt deal

"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman

"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/12/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

"The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won't talk to us." –Jay Leno

"Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there." –Jay Leno

"A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction. –Jay Leno

"Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I'd be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don't." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last 'Harry Potter' movie." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies." –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a small fire today at President Obama's vacation home in Martha's Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, 'Darn! That's where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets." –Jimmy Fallon

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump" –Daily Show tweet

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." –Jay Leno

"Standard and Poor's has also warned there's a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay." –Jay Leno

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno

"The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." –Conan O'Brien

"The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo." –Conan O'Brien

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. –Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency." A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation. –Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. Look who owes them all the money. –Jay Leno

With the stock market in flux, the price of gold has shot up to almost $2,000. In other words, Flava Flav’s mouth is now a millionaire and about to retire. –Conan O’Brien

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he’s sewn up the crucial “guy you didn’t know existed” vote. –Conan O’Brien

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Fallon

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Blame it on Estrogen

Sometime over a year ago I wrote an article entitled “Blame it on Testosterone.”  In it I basically justified men’s actions (i.e. stupid stuff we do) on the hormone, testosterone.  While there is some truth to that, I now believe a more accurate statement would be to blame it on estrogen.  Not only do estrogen driven women often drive us crazy in many ways (including horniness…so again, not really our fault) but also many men are becoming estrogen laden themselves by environmental causes.  This can make us fat, lose our sex drive and make us want to stop working, out of the blue, to decorate our office.

Environmental estrogen not only can make us fat it also can cause man boobs, or moobs.  Worse than that, because we have now lost a lot of our sex drive and become lazy, the men who have this dilemma sometimes think that it’s not that bad of a thing.  Now, being lazy and only having a portion of their sex drive left, they find it convenient to have their own boobs, if you get my meaning.

This environmental estrogen comes from numerous sources like hormones fed to animals, particularly in fast food, plastics and many other causes from our modern day world.  This excessive estrogen affects women too.  It’s bad for their health and can make them very cranky, which means it’s also bad for a man’s sanity.  Microwaving plastic especially brings it out so if a woman has leftover fast food and heats it up in a plastic container in the microwave it could make the woman have hot flashes and start yelling at her husband for no reason, while the man, after eating this meal, will want to ignore her and just cuddle up on the couch and watch an episode of Glee.

Too much estrogen in a woman can be a bad thing whether it is natural or from environmental causes.  Here is a quote from the Bible to back up my case:

1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

This was before God had invented estrogen.  Then he got busy with a little lab experiment.  Frankenstein had not yet been created so he had nothing to compare this estrogen invention to and as a result we now have fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry and beautiful clothes, etc., etc.  Not to mention that when estrogen really flares up in a woman the results can be disastrous for a man.  Does the term “whipped” mean anything to you?

Back to this environmentally created estrogen, the effects on men can be devastating.  These effects can be wide and varying, from decreased size of the gonads and other man organs to an overwhelming desire for show tunes and shopping for shoes.  Just to let you know my testosterone to estrogen level is in good shape I’ll pass on a “manly” joke that I heard on the radio the other day:

Q: What do you say to a naked woman?

A:  Why do you have to say anything?  She’s already naked.  (Ba-dum-bum)

In the interest of full disclosure I have to admit that I am actually a big fan of the TV series Glee.  With that said, I will be going to the doctor tomorrow to have my hormones checked.

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Short Funny Quotes

Here are some short funny quotes from a variety of people:

If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you
Bruce Lee

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
Einstein

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly Parton

I modeled my looks on the town tramp.
Dolly Parton

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live”
Charles Bukowski

“It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.”
Charles Bukowski

I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.
Muhammad Ali

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Dave Letterman

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
Drew Carey

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Anonymous

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Anonymous

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Anonymous

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 08/09/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

After the debt deal got done in Congress, the Democrats also wanted to strike another deal, while the mood was right, to let them start using the Republican’s bathroom.

In Louisiana, a drunk father was arrested for allegedly letting his 8 year-old son drive his pick-up truck on the Interstate while he slept.  He defended his action by saying, “What’s the big deal?  When I was his age I’d drive my daddy’s truck while having sex with my cousin.”

After the debt deal last week the only thing dropping faster than the stock market was Obama’s approval rating.

A Dunkin Donuts employee in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution.  It was all the result of a misunderstanding.  When her manager told her to go out there and sell some donut holes she just never heard the donut part.

Facebook is always changing and expanding so fast that some people just can’t keep up.  I’m afraid people are going to get confused and start poking their Farmville animals.

82% of those polled disapprove of Congress, a record low.  This means there are probably family, friends, and even the people who are bribing them that don’t approve of them.

President Obama has asked Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, to stay on board.  He figures with the advice he’s gotten from that guy he deserves to go down with the ship.

Geithner still wanted to leave, though, to work in the private sector.  Then he realized there were no jobs in the private sector.

The Treasury Secretary has accused Standard & Poors of making a grave error in downgrading the US credit rating.  He said their math was off by $2 trillion in estimating the size of the deficit over the next 10 years.  Apparently, Standard & Poors doesn’t use the same “bailout math” that the Treasury Department is used to.

After Standard &  Poors’ decision to downgrade the US credit rating President Obama said that the US will always be a AAA nation.  The Automobile Association was very grateful for the endorsement.

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Funny Quotes from Movies

Here are some funny quotes from movies. Some I was familiar with and some I never heard of:

"To make honey. Young bee need young flower...Not old prune. "
Karate Kid

"I don't know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking 'cause my wife left me."
Leaving Las Vegas

"That's nice talk, Ben - keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out."
Leaving Las Vegas

"My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell."
American Beauty

"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
Annie Hall

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
Apocalypse Now

"I may be bad...but I feel gooood."
Army of Darkness

"When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.'
As Good As It Gets

"When I ask for sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads, I expect sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads!"
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

"Do you think if we changed the Bible stories maybe you would get people more easily to relate to them? Instead of the fish story you could do it about Sushi, or instead of giving out bread you did something which had a no-carb alternative or gluten free."
Bruno

"When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!"
Dirty Harry

"What an excellent day for an exorcism."
The Exorcist

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
James Bond-Casino Royal

"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
Manhattan

"He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty Boy."
Monty Python-Life of brian

"I never listen to you when you're being morbid."
A Streetcar Named Desire

"What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?"
The Wedding Crashers

"How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?"
Zoolander

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/05/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad." –Conan O'Brien

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling...so he will be 50." –Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno

"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno

"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'" –Jay Leno

"That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted." –Jay Leno

"They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'" –David Letterman

"Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman

"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien

"Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money." –Conan O'Brien

"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

They say 50 is the new 30 — not in age, in money: $50 is now worth about $30. –Jay Leno

President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that’ll be president Bieber's problem. –Jay Leno

The Cheesecake Factory is now offering a new low calorie “skinnylicious” menu. That’s what they call it, “skinnylicious.” As opposed to their old menu, which was “fatastic.” –Jay Leno

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. –Conan O’Brien

The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek’s hotel room may face 25 years in prison. Even worse, while she’s waiting for the judge’s decision, they’ll make her listen to the music from “Jeopardy.” –Conan O’Brien

The Garmin company is offering a new GPS device that has the voice of Yoda. Maybe it’s just me but if I’m getting turn-by-turn directions, do I really want to hear them from someone that speaks backwards? –Conan O’Brien

While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming. –Jimmy Fallon

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that swearing doesn’t make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe. –Jimmy Fallon

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Advice Columnist Dear Crabby Strikes Again

This week our beloved (not so much) guest columnist, Dear Crabby, is back to wreak havoc on the hearts and souls of all the darnfunnyonline readers.  It not that her advice is bad, it is so bad that when you are done reading her advice it makes you not only never want to ask anybody for advice again, it makes you never even want to ask anyone a question.  She is so mean that…

(Dear Crabby interrupts.)  Okay, joke boy. (Also, not so much.)  They get the idea, now go try and write some of that "high brow", crotch joke humor of yours while I try to salvage some goodness out of this decrepit web site.

As I’m sure I’ve said before, no one really likes her very much, but, with our budget she is as good as it gets.  Try to not be too insulted by this aptly named, mean spirited, generally bad mannered…

(Dear Crabby) SHUT UP ALREADY!... Finally, now that he’s gone, I think I made him cry, by the way, let’s get to the good stuff.  Here’ s the first question:

Dear Crabby:

I have an uncle who is very crude and constantly cusses around my kids.  He makes off color jokes and they ask me what he means when he says these things.  It’s embarrassing.  He smokes and drinks and is an all around bad influence on my children.  What can I do?

Worried Mommy

Dear Worried Mommy:

Job one would be introducing this hunk of man to me.  I haven’t met a real man like him in a long time.  I can’t wait.  Besides that I don’t see the problem, other than you getting over yourself.  It sounds like you are a prude so your kids are never going to learn about the birds and bees from you, so they might as well learn the ropes from your hot uncle’s jokes.

Seriously, I want to meet the guy.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

I’m thinking of getting some tastefully done tattoos.  My boyfriend doesn’t think it’s a very good idea.  What do you think?

My Body’s a Canvas

Dear My Body’s a Canvas:

What do I think?  I think you are a moron.  Besides that, I'm pissed because you are making me agree with a man, which I don’t normally do (unless he’s a hunk like the uncle from the first letter.)  If you get tattoos what do you think is going to happen when you get to be my age and your skin starts to sag all over and your tattoos look like it rained on water colors!  What I think you should do is stop being so whiny and don’t write to me anymore unless you have a real question or if you have  a hot uncle who smokes drinks, and swears a lot like the first writer did.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

Now that the football strike is over my husband will be watching football all the time this fall.  I was really hoping the strike would last and there would be no football this year.  Any suggestions on how I get his attention during football season?

Football Widow

Dear Football Widow,

Any activity where I get to see men beat each other’s heads in is good in my book.  Besides that, to get his attention get naked, the game has halftime and timeouts, what’s the problem?

Crabby

There you have it!  When Dear Crabby does her advice column (aka, spews her venom) and there are no bodies as a result that is always a good thing.  Until next time!

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Funny Quotes About Women

Here are some funny quotes about women and some of them are even by women.  I don't know who said these quotes, they are all unknown:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 08/02/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping a watchful eye on current events this week:

The Post office might be closing 3,653 locations but the good news is we won’t see a drop off in service because it already sucks.

According to a poll less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon.  Also, less than half know that President Obama was actually not born in the United States.

In another new survey, 40% of Internet users feel lonely when they are unable to get online.  They are forced to use their imaginations to figure out an alternate way to waste time.

In yet another poll, 46% of Americans think that most members of Congress are corrupt.  The other  54% thought corrupt was far too nice of a word.

Hugh Hefner’s former fiance said that she and Hef only had sex once.  Now we know, after that  that “brief interlude”, why she broke It up.

If the government had gone into default they would have been changing the name of Captain America to Private America.

I saw an advertisement this week that said that  the King Kong exhibit at Universal Studios was the world’s largest 3D experience.  I thought the world was the world’s largest 3D experience.

Only  17% of Americans believe that the country is headed in the right direction.  These are the same people that jog backwards.

In San Francisco a bill banning circumcision was “cut off” the ballot.

In Georgia, a 35 year-old Language Arts teacher was arrested for having sex with a 14 year-old male student.  Upon her arrest she said, “What? I thought the language of love was part of the curriculum.”

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from 7/26/11 to 7/28/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Letting Your Monkey Get Married

10 "Where can I hire a monkey rabbi?"

9 "Should he get a prenup to protect his bananas?"

8 "Do I get along with the monkeys-in-law?"

7 "Band or DJ?" (Important question for any wedding)

6 "Will I mind the newspaper headlines referring to me as 'local freak?’"

5 "Can the bride's father pay for the wedding on his circus pension?"

4 "Am I ready to attend the creepiest bachelor party of my life?"

3 "When did my life turn into a Kevin James movie?"

2 "Would he rather go to New York and have a gay monkey marriage?"

1 "Does Men's Wearhouse rent urine-proof tuxedos?"

 

Top Ten Thoughts of a Guy Stuck in a Manhole

10 “I’m suing the city for not idiot-proofing these things”

9 “Hey, Chilean Miners!”

8 “A rat just took my Discover card”

7 “Save me, Captain America!”

6 “This is how Orson Welles died”

5 “I think I found Ayman al-Zawahiri”

4 “What? No WiFi? What is this, Russia?”

3 “At least no one can see me”

2 “Where did my life go wrong?”

1 “First I get fired from ‘Two and a Half Men,’ and now this?”

 

Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over The Republicans

10 Show up to next meeting in a Captain America uniform

9 Burn everyone a really cool mix CD

8 Bribe them with free tickets to a “Larry the Cable Guy” show

7 Raise the debt ceiling, but do it with a fun sound effect

6 Do something about the heat

5 Swap places with another guy named Barack Obama — hey, don't miss the new reality show "Same Name" Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on CBS!

4 Put Chuck Norris on the nickel

3 Like I'm the right guy to ask for advice on winning people over

2 Don't be such a poor sport when they call him a socialist, foreign-born, radical Muslim who's trying to destroy America

1 Kill bin Laden again

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