Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 9/30/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien:

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they're trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they're in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies." –David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he's taking the divorce well. ... They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black." –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno

"President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl's bike to work." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien

"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden was a guest on 'The View' today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for 'Hot Topics,' Biden was like, 'The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico." –Jay Leno

"Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, 'No Child Left With a Big Behind.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and Bill Clinton played golf together. You know what you’d get if you crossed Obama and Clinton? Tiger Woods." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called 'Operation Vote.' Great, just what old people need – another operation." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

"The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees." –David Letterman

"Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Autumn is the Best Time of Year

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  The leaves start to turn beautiful shades of a variety of colors, (well, not too many colors here in California) the air gets nice and crisp, (of course, here in Southern California it was 92 degrees yesterday) the grass stops growing so you no longer have to cut it, (actually, here in Southern California the grass grows year round) but, most important of all Starbucks starts to serve pumpkin lattes.  The truth is, I don’t drink lattes of any flavor but I had to have something that no one could take away from me in the fall because I live in Southern California.  And, the fact is, you can’t toss a computer geek anywhere here without hitting a Starbucks.

Okay, so in Los Angeles the fall is not as pronounced as it is in many other parts of the country but it is still noticeable and I still love it.  And being a basically optimistic person, it could be a lot worse.  It could be Florida where the winter is warm, the spring is hot, summer is disgustingly hot and humid and fall cools off to repeat the spring at hot.  I’ll tell you, Santa Claus has to be pissed when he goes through Florida as he is overdressed and the sleigh just doesn’t move as well in the sand as it does in the snow.  It’s probably a good thing that there are so many old people there so Santa doesn’t have to make as many stops.

Anyway, back to fall.  Football season makes it seem like fall no matter where you live.  I don’t know what it is about seeing grown men run into each other full force, often breaking each other’s bones, that brings out the fall season, but it sure does.  Also, as you get deep into fall and early winter and you watch football on TV you can sometimes see snow and then you really get to experience the change of seasons via the magic of football.  So, really, football season (the fall) is a magical time no matter where you live.  Football widows should take note of that, if I do say so myself, brilliant reasoning.

Also, the World Series takes place during the fall.  What sane person wouldn’t get complete satisfaction out watching grown men try to hit a ball with a stick and then run around touching bases, even if sometimes players steal the bases.  By the way, when they steal the bases they are cheered on and there is no punishment at all, only reward.  At any rate, it is fall when the World Series takes place and the players are often wearing jackets when they are sitting on the bench which makes it that much definite that it is fall.  This time of year is a virtual panacea for sports fans.

It’s not just exciting for men with their sports, but women can also enjoy shopping for the new fall line of clothing, blah, blah.

Kids love this time of year too because there is Halloween and they can get a sugar high like you would not believe!

So, fall is great no matter where you live because of all the fun activities associated with it….even pumpkin lattes, if you are into that.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

More Steven Wright Jokes

Here are some very funny jokes from comedian Steven Wright:

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events – 9/27/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Since President Obama’s last economic plan was unpopular he has come up with a new economic policy: Ask China.

Obama has said his jobs bill will create 1.9 billion new jobs.  But I’m betting that’s a number he made up sort of like when a kid says, “When I grow up I’m going to make a combalambobazillion dollars.”

In 2009 Obama threw out the first pitch in the Major League Baseball All-Star game.  In just a little over a year we’ll get to throw him out.

In a recent survey 4 out of 10 people said they would prefer eating bacon to having sex.  There was a caveat though, for most of the four of ten who preferred bacon, the closest they had come to having sex recently was getting screwed by the government.

Now that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is officially retired by the military they have decided, as a recruiting ploy, to make pink rifles optional.

Also to attract more gays to the military they are thinking of changing the color of the uniforms from khaki to “something less gauche.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing his memoir, tentatively entitled “Total Recall.”  There is also a subtitle which will be “…Except for that Thing with the Maid.”

The satellite that scientist were saying was going to hit earth has apparently plunged into the Pacific Ocean, so it was reported that no major damage had occurred.  Tell that to the fish in the Pacific Ocean.

Scientists think they can locate the exact spot where the satellite hit by looking for a large amount of fish excrement, which would have been scared out of the fish when it landed.

Michael Vick, the quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, is complaining about referees not giving him fair calls.  Apparently the refs are dog lovers.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 9/19/11 to 9/22/11

Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week, always very witty: 9/19/11 to 9/22/11.

Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate

10. Yeah, I killed a guy

9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?

8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies

7. If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians

6. I don't know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel

5. Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can't kill the pig with the mustache

4. It's-a-not-so bad, it's-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face

3. Hey, Republican spelled backwards is "Nacilbuper"

2. As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . ."

1. Senior citizens can bite my a**

Top Ten Rejected Genius Grant Projects

10 Self-cleaning monkey

9 Bacon-free bacon

8 Phone directory of wrong numbers

7 Eating so many tacos it's ridiculous

6 Determining whether Minka Kelly is "hot" or "smokin' hot"

5 Something called the Clambulance, for injured mollusks

4 New miracle hairpiece for Dave

3 An Oreo with 10 layers

2 Wearing fedora without looking like a jerk

1 Michele O'Bachmann for President campaign

Top Ten Items On The United Nations General Assembly Agenda

10 Screw with the Swedes

9 Recap highlights from last night's "Two and a Half Men"

8 Goodbye, Euro. Hello, Chuck E. Cheese tokens

7 Pass resolution that Steve Carell "was robbed" at the Emmys

6 Gently break it to the Russians that they've been writing their Rs backwards all these years

5 Finally nail down which one's Uruguay and which one's Paraguay

4 Pitch sitcom about Greece and United States called "Two Broke Countries"

3 Do whatever China says

2 Congratulate whatever country came up with the "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" books, because those were awesome

1 Debate whether to renew the Letterman fatwa

Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan

10 Pay everything off with a giant bake sale on the White House lawn

9 New 10,000 percent tax on waffles — no way people are giving up their waffles!

8 Congressional Super Committee now reports to even more powerful Super Duper Committee

7 Medicare no longer covers butt X-rays

6 From now on, quarters are worth 26 cents

5 Change the definition of the word “deficit”

4 Seniors must wait until they're 112 before they can collect Social Security

3 Open more post offices — those places are money machines!

2 Congressmen must pay hookers in cash

1 Jets giving three and a half in Cincy — it's like found money

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 9/23/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brein, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical." –David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that he is releasing the two American hikers from captivity in Iran on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents." –David Letterman

"The Tea Party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they're expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They've already taken $535 million." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote 'in a New York state of mind.' Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ''Movin' Out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

"Don't Ask Don't Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home." –Jay Leno

"The military's policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is officially over. Don't confuse this with President Obama's economic policy, which is 'don't ask, I don't want to talk about it.'" –Jay Leno

"Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math." –Jay Leno

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It's not like they're rocket scientists." –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi released an audio message saying that he's still in power, and just 'temporarily' going underground. Sure, just like my local Blockbuster is 'temporarily' closing its doors." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix." –Craig Ferguson

"Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it's important for Obama to talk to the other countries – because they're the ones that have all of our jobs." –Craig Ferguson

"The most famous speech at the U.N. was Nikita Kruschev, who banged his shoe on the desk. I don't mean he had sex with the shoe. That would have been Clinton. –Craig Ferguson

"The military's controversial 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars … well, I've seen better dancing at the Republican National Convention. Nancy Grace showed how ironic a last name can be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, 'Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country.'" –Jon Stewart, on the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

"President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America." –Jay Leno

"Obama said Americans feel things aren't fair, that the deck is stacked against them, and that nobody is paying attention. That's an inspiring campaign speech." –Jay Leno

"Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies." –Jay Leno

"More and more information coming out about our other presidential candidates. Like, did you know that Mitt Romney's real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Well, thank god he had the good sense to change it to "Mitt." That's so much more accessible than Will." –Jay Leno

"An article in the paper says today that Rick Perry is just 'George Bush 2.0.' To which Bush said '2.0? I wish I did that well in school. Those are my dream grades." –Jay Leno

"This week, the U.S. military will formally end it's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more." –David Letterman

"At the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was bragging that Iran now leads the world in captured hikers." –David Letterman

"Nobody likes hiking more than I do, but it seems to me that if you have an atlas, you can find many places to go hiking – that aren't Iraq or Korea." –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Some Very Humorous Quotes - II

Here are some more very humorous quotes from a variety of different people:

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.
Frankie Boyle

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra

I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.
Oscar Wilde- Lady Windermere's Fan

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.
Steve Martin

It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.
Truman Capote

Bond: That looks like a woman's gun.
Largo: Do you know a lot about guns, Mr. Bond?
Bond: No, I know a little about women.

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
Casino Royal

Lois: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Little Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Addams Family Values

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Charles Pierce

I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
Dolly Parton

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Dolly Parton

As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events – 9/20/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In a recent poll Hillary Clinton was the most popular political figure, or at least that’s what the headlines stated.  Upon further inspection the respondents said we’d be better off with her as President than Obama.  Well, duh!  At the very least we’d be no worse off, but that’s like being given the choice of dying by lethal injection or the electric chair, you’re dead either way.  I’m guessing those respondents that said they’d prefer Hillary are just pissed at Obama, they are big fans of pants suits or they just came from their psychiatrist’s office where they received a lobotomy.  Frankly, anybody who would want either Hillary or Obama as president would probably answer their phone, “Hello, comrade.”

That survey makes me wonder whether people just don’t remember Hillary or if shock treatment is on the rise in the U.S.

Of course, if Hillary was President she could make Bill the Vice President (or President of vice might be more appropriate) and Monica Lewinsky could be the chief of his staff… oh, wait, that was supposed to be Chief of Staff.  There is also a Cabinet Post called Chief of Veteran Affairs and I’ll bet Bill could recommend someone for that position since he is the veteran of so many affairs.

You get the idea when you hear Obama talking and pushing one of his programs that are going to “save” the economy that he wishes he was doing it on Facebook because then maybe he could get someone to “like” him since that is about the only way he could get someone to like him these days.

Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo played on Sunday with a broken rib, which made it hard for him to even talk after the game.  If only we could find some way to make it hard for some of our politicians to talk.  Oh wait, being accused of sex crimes always makes them reluctant to talk.

For any fans of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt who hoped they might someday get back together I believe that door has officially been closed after Pitt was interviewed this week and said he was bored while married to her.

In Orange County, a hockey mom had sex with two of son’s 14 year-old teammates, which pretty much makes her the ultimate sports mom.  Talk about giving it up for the team!  That kid is now, officially, the kid most embarrassed by his parents.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/16/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien

"In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno

"Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet." –Jimmy Fallon

"His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget. " –Stephen Colbert

The movie “Contagion” is about an outbreak of an infectious disease. I was thinking about that while I was shaking everyone’s hands. –Jay Leno

Do you know why most of the people died in the movie? They were denied treatment because their HMO called it a pre-existing condition. –Jay Leno

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended. –Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN. –Jay Leno

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.  –Conan O’Brien

A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook. -Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for. -Jimmy Kimmel

The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins. -Jimmy Fallon

Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a YouTube video they made. -Jimmy Fallon

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy. –Jay Leno

The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.” –Jay Leno

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point. –Jay Leno

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. –Jay Leno

President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, “Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

A company in Denmark has released a solid gold phone that costs more than $57,000. They say it’s the coolest phone you’ll ever drop in your toilet. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them. –Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo. –Jimmy Kimmel

The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, “Hey, no rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called “Stoner Avenue.” It’s a weird street. Instead of saying, “Stop,” all the signs just say, “Chill, bro.” –Jimmy Fallon

A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: “Tasty Feet.” ­–Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events – 9/13/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to statistics no new jobs were created in the month of August.  President Obama said he is confident he can keep up this pace of job creation.

After seeing his poll numbers continue to decrease, Obama is still preaching hope and change, but now the hope is that we will change about thinking what a crappy president he is.

It was a kind of chilly in Los Angeles yesterday morning but it still didn’t send chills down my spine like reading the details of Obama’s job plan.

Things are going about normal for the Obama administration.  Two days after announcing his plans to create more jobs Bank of America announced they plan to cut at least 40,000 jobs. (Not a joke, but Karma for the President.)

Republicans asked Obama why it took three years to come up with a jobs plan.  He fell back into the hope and change mantra by replying, “Because your party was getting way to much hope that change was going to take place next November.”

A gunman went into an IHOP in Carson City, Nevada and started shooting.  He said he thought he was in a Denny’s and wanted to spare the people from having to eat their latest extreme meal, the Mac N’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt.

According to a poll most Americans think we are headed in the wrong direction.  The good news is that the President and Congress are so incompetent that they never get us to where we are going anyway.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly.  Apparently, they’ve eliminated all the foot fetish perverts that worked for the TSA.

Public nudity is getting so common place in San Francisco that stores will soon have to reprint the signs in their front windows to say “No Shoes, No Pants, No Service.”

Governor of California, Jerry Brown, says some lawmakers think that taxes are like some kind of sexually transmitted disease.  Whereas, Brown and other likeminded politicians think taxes are a way to screw the public.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/09/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house." –Conan O'Brien

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien

"To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back." –Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running." –Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"President Obama's approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there's a silver lining." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don't like you three times a week?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first." –Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because 'the states could do a gooder job.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation." –Jay Leno

"The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand." –Jay Leno

"Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, 'You've got to be kidding me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama." –Jay Leno

"Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don't think it will be a big speech." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't receive the report in the mail for another two years." –Conan O'Brien

"The Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. Finally, something China is not going to win at." –Conan O'Brien

"Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden's Corvette is pretty sweet – cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control." –Jimmy Fallon

"A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain's running of the bulls. Right. If there's one thing Arizona is missing it's thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives." –Jimmy Fallon

"For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend." –Jay Leno

"New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?" –Jay Leno

"Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That's what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests." –Jay Leno

"Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here's the cool part: They're using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'Teach me, sensei.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After Labor Day, you're supposed to put away your white clothes. I hope someone tells Moammar Gadhafi it would be bad to wave the white flag today." –Craig Ferguson

"Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords." –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Previously on the Obama Presidency…

President Obama’s approval numbers are in and, apparently, just trying to look good instead of being effective is not the way to go.  His approval numbers are at an all time low.  In fact, they are so bad that his only workable strategy he has to win next year’s election is for someone to invent time travel so he can go back in time, reverse the killing of bin Laden and time it to be done  about next September.

Jobs, or lack of them, are the current thing that is bringing him down, but there have been so many others before this.  He had promised to create shovel ready jobs but being in the government he just had the wrong concept of what that is.  His idea of a shovel ready job is people leaning on shovels and doing nothing, which is metaphorically what he is doing as he watches his presidency go by.

Obama has proposed $300 billion to jump start the economy and he is currently filling out the loan papers from the Chinese government, as I write this, so he can borrow the money to get that done.  I suspect though that the Democratic party’s idea of creating jobs is some kind of virtual job where nothing actually ever really gets done.  Now that I think of it, Farmville on Facebook was probably Obama’s attempt at job creation.

Congress has an even lower approval rating than Obama.  Eighty-two percent of the population disapproves of the job that Congress is doing.  To put that in prospective that is about the same kind of disapproval rating that perverts, liars and criminals would get…oh, that makes sense then!

Under The Obama administration the economy has gotten so bad that there is talk of replacing the dollar as the main currency in the world, appropriately, Monopoly money is the currency that they would replace it with.  Further proof of the downfall of the economy is that the tea party can no longer afford tea bags so they’ve just been drinking ice water this summer.  To celebrate the bad approval numbers for Obama they did splurge though and had Kool-aid.

Just this last week one of the president’s speech writers resigned so that he could go into comedy writing, apparently he was tired of writing tragedies.  But to have a little fun before he left and to get him started into the comedy he wrote one last speech for Obama, that unfortunately never got done.  In it he used several quotes, or at least paraphrases, from our past presidents.  The speech would have been done but Obama accidentally gave the paper it was written on to the Fed so they could use it to print more money.  Anyway, this is how it went: (By the way, the writer wasn’t worried if Obama would question it because he just reads whatever the teleprompter says.)

“Four score and seven years ago I did not have sex with that woman, Ms Lewinsky.  What’s really important to note about my years as president is that I am not a crook.  And what we as American’s should do is ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for me.  Furthermore, we have nothing to fear but the fear of losing the next election and you should all know that the buck stops here because we have run out of any more bucks.

“I believe it was Jimmy Carter who said, ‘What the heck, four years of this crap is plenty.’ And in closing (Look thoughtfully into the air like you always do) I’d like to say, it was all Bush’s fault.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny One-Liners by Mitch Hedberg

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from comedian Mitch Hedberg:

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events – 09/06/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama appointed a new White House economist.  He is considered an expert on unemployment.  What do we need him for?  We already have way more unemployment than we want.

The FDA has approved the use of Botox to treat incontinence.  An unfortunate side effect is that your bladder looks like Nancy Pelosi.

Chaz Bono is going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars which raises several questions.  When did he become a star?  And do they match him up with a male or female instructor?

Both Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are accusing Dick Cheney of taking cheap shots at them in his book.  I hope they don’t go hunting with him or those cheap shots will become gun shots.

Obama’s uncle was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving.  After the policeman told him he was related to the president the officer asked him to prove it. He told him he thought taxes should be raised and everybody should be forced to buy health insurance.  The cop rolled his eyes and said, “Yup, you’re related.”

David Reynolds the former CEO of Reynolds Aluminum, has passed away at age 96.  At the funeral, when it ended, everyone had to resist the urge to say, “Let’s wrap this up.”

Yesterday was Labor Day, which many people this year, because of current economic policies, were calling Lack of Labor Day.

Since yesterday was Labor Day and it was quiet it gave me time to reflect on some things I’ve always wondered about, such as:

• In movies when there is an outer space alien that is a bad guy, why do they always speak with a British accent?
• Since there are no more phone booths, where does Superman change his clothes?
• Did any mime ever escape from their invisible box?
• Why do people that talk with accents sing without an accent?
• If a Hermaphrodite (a person with both male and female sex organs) has sex with himself/herself would it actually be considered masturbation?

(And that is how I spent my holiday.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/02/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

"Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive." –Jay Leno

"This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time." –Jay Leno

"The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry." –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'" –David Letterman

"If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out." –Craig Ferguson

"Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn't have one of those?" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy." –David Letterman

"Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too." –Jay Leno

"Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back." –Jay Leno

"They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years." –Jay Leno

"New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned." –Jay Leno

"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'" –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin." –Craig Ferguson

"Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote 'heads exploding' in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden? –Jay Leno

How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt. –Jay Leno

The three crew members on the international space station may leave early because a rocket bringing supplies crashed. They have some food left, but it’s all in the mini-bar, and that’s really expensive in space. –Jay Leno

I’m feeling pretty good. I finally got myself weaned off the Weather Channel. –David Letterman

The show last night was so bad that the audience called Mayor Bloomberg and demanded to be evacuated. –David Letterman

The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands? –David Letterman

The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call. –Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers found that your first decision is usually your right one. Then they were like, “Scratch that, the second decision — that’s the right one.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chick-fil-A is offering free breakfast for an entire week. Although if you eat breakfast at Chick-fil-A for an entire week, you’re going to pay a price. –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I’m still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, after couples get divorced, men gain the most weight. While women gain the most stuff. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

The Economy and the Three Stooges

I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20^th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20^th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh...”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous