Friday, February 24, 2012

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/24/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson

“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –Craig Ferguson

“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.” –Craig Ferguson

Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular. –Jay Leno

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty. –Jay Leno

A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense. –Jay Leno

"Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen. –Conan O’Brien

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. –Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now. –Conan O’Brien

Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend. –David Letterman

Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is "The Help." It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him. –Craig Ferguson

Dutch scientists say they've created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they'll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It's got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on. –Craig Ferguson

There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor? –Craig Ferguson

This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they're Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret. –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin. –Jimmy Fallon

A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. –Jay Leno

Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you'd better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. –Jay Leno

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. –Jay Leno

It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all. –Conan O’Brien

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly. –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. –David Letterman

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad. –David Letterman

Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering? –David Letterman

Today is Mardi Gras. That's French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we're all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big Boned Day." –Craig Ferguson

At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd? –Craig Ferguson

I love New Orleans. It's a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we're still recovering from last month's drizzle. –Craig Ferguson

Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate. –Jimmy Kimmel

Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors. –Jimmy Fallon

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Friday, February 17, 2012

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/17/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno

Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest." -David Letterman

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. –Conan O’Brien

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." –Conan O’Brien

I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." –Conan O’Brien

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. -Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon

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