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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/17/12

2012-02-17T12:24:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno

Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest." -David Letterman

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. –Conan O’Brien

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." –Conan O’Brien

I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." –Conan O’Brien

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. -Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/20/12

2012-01-20T10:34:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong." –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the 'Hall of Presidents' and sees them making room for Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds." –David Letterman

"Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: 'If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?'" –Craig Ferguson

"This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives." –Craig Ferguson

"On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made." –Craig Ferguson

There's a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I'm 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O'Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O'Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum's pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here's what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn't that everybody on the subway? –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat. –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O'Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you're a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O'Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore.” –Conan O'Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I'm also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

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Jack Benny and George Burns Jokes

2012-01-18T09:30:00.001-08:00

Here are some jokes from two classic comedians, Jack Benny and George Burns, who were also good friends so it appropriate to post their jokes together:

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
George Burns

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
George Burns

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/17/12

2012-01-17T12:05:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway. Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city. It could be because they are just a little behind the times there. When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate. He’s feeling more confident too. His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.” Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.” Frank and Weiner? Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down. Trouble is they left out part of the phrase. It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog. The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S. When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs. People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/13/12

2012-01-13T11:25:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would've taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you've got to speak Spanish." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he'd better call a doctor." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

"During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, 'It was a pretty sick pass.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent." –Jay Leno

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, "Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. " He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation's capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled "The Best President." Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield

2012-01-11T12:50:00.001-08:00

Here are some jokes by Rodney Dangerfield:

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/12/12

2012-01-10T11:33:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. How do we know that wasn’t just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

President Obama’s campaign has just released a highlight reel of his top accomplishments. Don’t worry it’s very short. There’s an introduction, ending credits and that’s it.

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years? The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can’t run again in 2016.

According the National Enquirer Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with 105 different women. But by NBA standards that’s like being faithful.

Leaders in Saudia Arabia will start enforcing a law that allows females only to work in lingerie stores. There has been a former rule that only men could work in lingerie stores but too many of the men were wearing panties on their heads and there were too many accidents where customers slipped in the puddles of drool left by the male workers.

Obama has announced that he wants to shrink the size of the military. But he tells us not to worry because it won’t increase unemployment. For every military man they get rid of they will hire two paper pushers to get the job done.

According to research a person’s brain power starts to diminish after 45, which explains a lot about Congress since their average age is 58.

The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman, of course, the endorsement was in the comics section of the paper.

A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, “It wasn’t me, was it?”

According to the National Enquirer, Chaz Bono told his mother, Cher, that he never wanted to see her again. Cher said back to him, “Don’t worry, I’ll just have some more plastic surgery and you won’t even recognize me.”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/06/12

2012-01-06T10:32:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Conan O'Brien:

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien

"Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen more debates." –David Letterman

"I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of 'Yo Gabba Gabba.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed." –Jay Leno

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. –Jay Leno

The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. –Jay Leno

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. –Jay Leno

I have a New Year's resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay? –Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan? –Jay Leno

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don't have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan. –Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months. –Conan O'Brien

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say." Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye. –Conan O'Brien

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. –David Letterman

So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. –David Letterman

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. –David Letterman

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all. –Craig Ferguson

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don't have jobs are depressed because they don't have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to new poll done by "60 minutes," 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She's only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn't you be old enough to drink one? –Jimmy Kimmel

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they're named a French citizen. –Jimmy Fallon

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the “Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. –Jimmy Fallon

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of "Jersey Shore" this Thursday at 10:00 p.m. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of 2011

2011-12-30T11:30:00.001-08:00

Here are some of the best jokes of the year from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

''Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?'' —Jon Stewart , on Weinergate

''This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house.'' —Jay Leno

''Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?'' —Jay Leno

''The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.''' —Craig Ferguson

''Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.''' —Jimmy Fallon

''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, 'Why is a woman talking?''' —Conan O'Brien

''On 'Good Morning America' yesterday, President Obama said that he's confident that Anthony Weiner will bounce back. Great that's all we need, a bouncing Weiner.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.''' —Conan O'Brien

''While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.'' —Jay Leno

''Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side.'' —Jay Leno

''If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he's not on the Intelligence Committee.'' —Jay Leno

''A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser. The guy said it wouldn't have been so bad if Biden wasn't already in there for the same reason.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff.'' —Craig Ferguson, on Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair with his maid

''President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They're all in Farmville.'' —Conan O'Brien

''President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for re-election. In a related story, Steven Seagal removes himself from Oscar contention.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner.'' —Conan O'Brien

''The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Apparently, Congressman Weiner has called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. That's when you know you have a problem. Your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton!'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.'' —Conan O'Brien

''It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.''' —Conan O'Brien

''Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.'' —Jay Leno

''Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress.'' —Jay Leno

''Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor.'' —Jay Leno

''The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we'll be fighting them.'' —David Letterman

''Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let's make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they're upfront about screwing you.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.'' —David Letterman

''George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.'' —Conan O'Brien

''The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.'' —Conan O'Brien

''We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.'' —Jay Leno

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Funny Observation from Current Events - 12/27/11

2011-12-27T12:08:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

North Korean leader Kim Jong II passed away last week at 69. In lieu of flowers, the flower requests that you send instructions on how to make nuclear weapons.

It is unclear how Kim Jong II died but there are many theories. The most likely theory is that he died of an overdose of sunglasses.

News was leaked to the LA Times and the NY Times that the Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement netted his wife almost $100 million. The source of the leak was believed to be Kobe Bryant’s wife.

According to a survey “whatever” was the most annoying word of 2011. I can think of many words way more annoying than that, such as Congress, Obamacare, etc. You get the idea.

Scientists are warning that the world supply of frankincense could be cut in half over the next 15 years. Presumably, this is because they are expecting an increase in Wise Men. Women are doubting this theory.

According to a new survey, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana. That is not surprising at all since many of the people that are now grandparents were pot head back in the 60s and 70s.

According to a new study, Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones that they are overweight. The theory here is that they will probably already be fighting anyway at the family get-together.

A Congressman from Wisconsin apparently thought he’d put that theory to the test and said that Michelle Obama had a big butt. It did not go over well. The flaw in his thinking is that she is a Democrat and he is a Republican, so they are not loved ones.

Yet another study says that joggers who drink coffee before they jog can run a lot faster, especially if they got the coffee at Starbucks because then their pockets were a lot lighter.

Ex-Congressman, Anthony Weiner, who resigned after sexually explicit photographs and emails of himself were revealed, had a baby son with his wife last week. He posted picture of him on Facebook with the title, “My little Weiner.”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/23/11

2011-12-23T10:25:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Well, folks, it's that time of the year when the jolly man with the big belly stops by for his once-a-year visit. That's right, Charles Barkley on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! –Jay Leno

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people? –Jay Leno

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. –Jay Leno

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives. –Jay Leno

I found out my secret Santa was Kim Jong Il. Three days in a row I got sunglasses, then nothing. –Conan O’Brien

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug. –Conan O’Brien

There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. -David Letterman

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. –Craig Ferguson

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it “Billy,” then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, “Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was “whatever.” Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.” –Jimmy Fallon

In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice — the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song: “The 12 Days of Marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? –Jay Leno

North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. –Jay Leno

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap." –Jay Leno

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February. –Jay Leno

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset. –Conan O’Brien

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded. –Conan O’Brien

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants. -David Letterman

Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate. -David Letterman

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.” -David Letterman

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out. –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, “You’re welcome.” –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill. –Jimmy Fallon

I've got to admit, Christmas is strange in Los Angeles. People in Hollywood marvel when they see the nativity scene because rarely do people in this town ever see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time. –Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. –Jay Leno

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. –Jay Leno

President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying. –Jay Leno

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His Story of the Night Before Christmas

2011-12-22T11:21:00.001-08:00

It’s nearly Christmas Eve. That can be one of the most relaxing days of the year. You’ve either finished your shopping or said, “Oh, the hell with it,” you get to push aside your worry if you are going to be fired from your job because of your Christmas party antics and you have until after Christmas day to think about how you are going to pay for all the presents you bought.

So, anyway, I talked to my neighbor the other day and he told me about his Christmas Eve last year which was not a very relaxing event at all. It was pretty stressful when you get right down to it.

The night started off pretty good. They got the kids to bed and he said it was almost like there were sugar plums dancing in their heads. It was real quiet and he and his wife had just settled down and according to him he was hoping for a little action. That’s when the trouble started. He heard this damn mouse start to screech and since his wife hated mice he had to go hunt it down. While he was looking for the mouse he heard this clatter arising out in the yard. So in a flash he tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (to be clear the sash was not something he had eaten, it was the window.)

As soon as he was able to get it open far enough, because it was stuck from a sloppy paint job last summer, he yelled out, “Hey, what the hell’s going on out there? Shut up or I’m calling the cops. I don’t care if it is Christmas Eve.”

Well, this didn’t seem to matter to the guy out on the lawn. He was yelling to somebody, “On Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen, and Donner, and Cupid, hurry up there’s going to be a blizzard.” (or something like that.) This was news to my neighbor because he heard the weather was supposed to be clear. Anyway, from the names, he didn’t know if this was some gay dance troupe, or what, and then he heard them up on his roof and he really started to freak out. But he did figure if it was just a bunch of gay dancers he could handle it, even if there were a lot of them, but still!

Then it got worse. He heard somebody sliding down the chimney. His first thought was he had packed away his shotgun because he didn’t have a permit to have a gun since he just didn’t think that was right to have to get one. But, anyway, he ran to the top of the steps. Then he remembered that while he did have a chimney it just led to his furnace, he had no fireplace. Miraculously, this guy got into his living room, sure, he was covered with tarnish and soot, but what would you expect since he just came out of the furnace.

This guy was a fat little elf with white hair and a beard and he was dressed in an outfit that pretty much confirmed the gay theory. But the good part was he had a bag full of toys with him and he was putting them under the tree and into his kid’s stockings. This guy wasn’t robbing him he was leaving gifts! He didn’t speak a word but went straight to his work, filled all the stocking and turned like a jerk. (I’m not sure how he turned that my neighbor thought he was a jerk, but that’s what he said.)

Then somehow he flew up the chimney and to the gay dancers he whistled and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. (I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing it’s a homosexual thing since he was whistling at the gay dancers. Hey, I’m not judging, I’m just telling the story.)

They all flew away somehow but he shouted as he left, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Admittedly, sometimes my neighbor can be full of you know what, but it did make for a good story worth repeating. Merry Christmas everybody!

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It Could Be Worse – Issue 19

2011-12-20T17:27:00.001-08:00

Here is another version of "It Could Be Worse" where we take a look at how things could always be way worse than they seem to be.

It Could be Worse:

You could be Barbara Walters and not really understand the phrase, “Most Fascinating Person.”

You could be Rick Perry and after making all the major gaffes you’ve made lately you realize that you are running for president, not vice-president.

You could be Lindsay Lohan and have trouble at Christmastime finding good necklaces to steal as presents.

You could be a person with really bad ringing in your ears and the only reason you went to see the movie, ”The Adventures of Tintin,” was because you thought it was a documentary on tinnitus.

You could be Newt Gingrich and you keep gaining weight while running for President so that you can be in touch with the common American citizen.

You could be a man on Christmas eve and realize there are no more days for you to procrastinate about shopping.

You could be Justin Beiber and have you dreams shattered this year when you realized there is no Santa Claus.

You could be Rudolph and you heard that all the reindeer meat has been sold out.

You could be a parking space at the most far end of the mall and you know that after Christmas you won’t be used again for another year.

You could be an “Occupy” protester and your only hope is for a definite cause is if Santa Claus delivers it to you.

…or you could be an “Occupy “ protester and you win the lottery and then you become one of the 1%.

You could be sexting someone and realize that you forgot your little plastic bag to put around your cell phone so that you were not able to practice safe sexting.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/16/11

2011-12-16T12:14:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. –Jay Leno

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party. –Jay Leno

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. –Jay Leno

According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones. –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.” –Conan O’Brien

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one. –Conan O’Brien

Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.” –Conan O’Brien

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born? –Craig Ferguson

Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention. –Craig Ferguson

Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates. –Craig Ferguson

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." –Jay Leno

Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the “country of Solyndra.” If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now? –Jay Leno

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people. –Jay Leno

I looked all over Hollywood today and I was unable to find a partridge in a pear tree. But I did find a pigeon in a homeless person's beard. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up. –Jimmy Kimmel

This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? –Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair. –Jay Leno

In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. –Jay Leno

Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? –Jay Leno

A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time. . –Conan O’Brien

Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.” . –Conan O’Brien

Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago. . –Conan O’Brien

Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I'll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed. –David Letterman

A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America. –David Letterman

A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Schools here in Los Angeles aren't allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he's wearing gang colors. –Jay Leno

President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles. –Jay Leno

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, "See? That's what I’ve been trying to tell people.” –Jay Leno

President Obama said he is “very concerned” about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote “very concerned” about the drop in Nickelodeon’s ratings. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it, “Told you we had everything!” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened — which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian. –Jimmy Fallon

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Christmas With Dear Crabby

2011-12-15T10:26:00.001-08:00

Today, since we are in the midst of the Christmas season, I thought I’d give Dear Crabby, our guest advice columnist, another shot at showing she might actually have a human side. At least I’m hoping the Christmas spirit can bring it out of her.

Crabby: Bah Humbug!

Damn! I knew you’d ruin it, Crabby.

Crabby: (laughing evilly) Oh, Steve, you jokeless, twit-like wonder, don’t you know when someone’s yanking your chain? No one loves Christmas more than me. It brings out the craziness in people and they send me a lot more letters. A girl’s gotta work, ya know?

What a lovely Christmas sentiment, Crabby! Your problem is you are just mean.

Crabby: Wow! With rapier-like comebacks as witless as that I can see why you need me to liven up this site.

Whatever! Let’s get this over with and let you insult a few people with your ridiculous advice and then you’ll leave.

Crabby: Thank you for the lovely introduction you insipid drone. To our first letter:

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend’s taste runs a little different than mine. What should I do if I don’t really like the present he gets me for Christmas?

Lost in the Holidays

Dear Lost in the Holidays,

I’m going to assume that, by his “taste runs a little different” than yours that, being a man, his taste is not only bad but he’s also a cheap bastard, at least when it comes to buying presents for you. Not so much with the cheap when he buys something for himself. Am I right? (Don’t actually answer that, it was rhetorical, and I don’t care what you have to say about it anyway.)

You’re not married yet so you have several options. First option: you could tell him that his taste sucks and if expects to get “it” for Christmas he better come up with something better than this. Second option: you could try to exchange it or return it. If you can’t do one of those without a receipt donate it to Goodwill so you can at least get that garbage out of your house. The third option: if you didn’t like my first or second option you could write to another advice columnist who actually gives a damn.

Crabby

(Time for a little break for a swig of the Christmas spirit…Ahhhh! That was good (hiccup) onward to the next letter.)

Dear Crabby,

My kids get so excited just before Christmas that it is hard to have any control of them. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle that?

Tired Mother

Dear Tired Mother,

Give them a shot of whiskey and put them to bed. That will shut them up and let them sleep really well. Then have a couple big gulps of the stuff yourself! It’s working for me right now!! (Oh crap, I just dropped my glass…no problem the bottle is still working –woooo!!)

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m looking for a romantic place to take my new girlfriend on a date. I’m looking for something that is not too expensive, yet both fun and romantic. Any suggestions?

A Romantic guy

Dear Romantic guy,

Can your cheap ass afford a bottle of booze? You can take the bottle with you while you take her to her bedroom. That covers being cheap, fun and how much more romantic can you get than sex?

When you’re done with her you can come over to my place…just make sure it’s good booze.

Crabby

(Steve interrupts) Okay, Crabby you’re done. Go home and sleep it off.

Merry Christmas everybody!

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Quotes from "It's a Wonderful Life"

2011-12-14T14:43:00.001-08:00

Since I am a big fan of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," and it's the Christmas season I thought this would be a great time to show these quotes from the movie. For me, since I've seen it so many times, it was like watching the movie again. (If you enjoy this come back next Wednesday and there will be more quotes from the movie.)

George Bailey: Just a minute... just a minute. Now, hold on, Mr. Potter. You're right when you say my father was no businessman. I know that. Why he ever started this cheap, penny-ante Building and Loan, I'll never know. But neither you nor anyone else can say anything against his character, because his whole life was... why, in the 25 years since he and his brother, Uncle Billy, started this thing, he never once thought of himself. Isn't that right, Uncle Billy? He didn't save enough money to send Harry away to college, let alone me. But he did help a few people get out of your slums, Mr. Potter, and what's wrong with that? Why... here, you're all businessmen here. Doesn't it make them better citizens? Doesn't it make them better customers? You... you said... what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they're so old and broken down that they... Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5,000? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well in my book, my father died a much richer man than you'll ever be!

George Bailey: [yelling at Uncle Billy] Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison! That's what it means! One of us is going to jail... well, it's not gonna be me!

Nick: [ringing the cash register repeatedly] Get me. I'm givin' out wings!

Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.
[Potter chuckles]
Mr. Potter: You're worth more dead than alive! Why don't you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you have $8,000? You know why? Because they'd run you out of town on a rail. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, George. Since the state examiner is still here, as a stockholder of the Building and Loan, I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest. Misappropriation of funds, manipulation, malfeasance...
[sees George runs off]
Mr. Potter: All right, George, go ahead, George! You can't hide in a little town like this!

Nick: Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?
George Bailey: [intervening] Nick, hold on. Just give him the same as mine. He's no trouble.
Nick: Okay.
[Nick walks away to tend to the bar]
George Bailey: [to Clarence] What's the matter with him? I never saw Nick act like that before.
Clarence: You'll see a lot of strange things from now on.

Uncle Billy: After all, Potter, some people like George HAD to stay at home. Not every heel was in Germany and Japan.

Nick: [slamming a bottle on the bar] That's it! Out you two pixies go... through the door, or out the window!
George Bailey: Hold on, Nick! What's wrong?
Nick: That's another thing. Where do you come off calling me Nick?
George Bailey: Well... Nick, that's your name. Isn't it?
Nick: What does that have to do with anything? I don't know you from Adam's off Ox.

George Bailey: Now, come on, get your clothes on, and we'll stroll up to my car and get... Oh, I'm sorry. I'll stroll. You fly.
Clarence: I can't fly! I haven't got my wings.
George Bailey: You haven't got your wings. Yeah, that's right.

George Bailey: Well, maybe I left the car up at Martini's. Well, come on, Gabriel.
Clarence: Clarence!
George Bailey: Clarence. Right... Clarence.

[George has discovered his brother Harry's tombstone]
Clarence: [explaining] Your brother, Harry Bailey, broke through the ice and was drowned at the age of nine.
George Bailey: That's a lie! Harry Bailey went to war! He got the Congressional Medal of Honor! He saved the lives of every man on that transport!
Clarence: Every man on that transport died. Harry wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Harry.

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?
George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

[George returns to the bridge where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life]
George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.
[it begins to snow again]
Bert: [shouts] Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?
George Bailey: Now get outta here, Bert, or I'll hit you again! Get outta here!
Bert: What the sam hill you yellin' for, George?
George Bailey: You...
[suddenly stunned]
George Bailey: George... Bert? Do you know me?

Bert: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over town trying to find you. I saw your car plowed into that tree down there and I thought maybe you - hey, your mouth's bleeding. Are you sure you're all right?
George Bailey: What the...
[licks the corner of his lip and checks his mouth with his hand]
George Bailey: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My mouth's bleeding, Bert! My mouth's bleeding! Zuzu's petals... Zuzu...
George Bailey: [checking his pocket] There they are! Bert, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!

George Bailey: I wanna live again!

George Bailey: You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?

Mr. Potter: What have you been doing lately, George? Playing the market with the company's money?
George Bailey: No, of course not.
Mr. Potter: Or is it a woman you're involved with? It's all over town that you've been giving money to Violet Bick.
George Bailey: What?
Mr. Potter: Not that it's any skin off my nose.

George Bailey: You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn't, Mr. Potter. In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider! And...
[turning to his aide]
George Bailey: And that goes for you, too!

Clarence: You've been given a great gift, George: A chance to see what the world would be like without you.

Clarence: You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?

Harry Bailey: A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town.

Ernie Bishop: Just a minute! Quiet everybody! Quiet, quiet. Now get this, it's from London.
Ma Bailey: Oh!
Ernie Bishop: [Reading the telegram in his hand] Mr. Gower cabled you need cash, stop. My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars, stop. Hee Haw and Merry Christmas! Sam Wainwright.

Mary: Bread... that this house may never know hunger.
[Mary hands a loaf of bread to Mrs. Martini]
Mary: Salt... that life may always have flavor.
[Mary hands a box of salt to Mrs. Martini]
George Bailey: And wine... that joy and prosperity may reign forever. Enter the Martini Castle.
[George hands Mr. Martini a bottle of wine]

[last lines]
Zuzu Bailey: Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
George Bailey: That's right, that's right.
George Bailey: Attaboy, Clarence.

[first lines]
Mr. Gower: I owe everything to George Bailey. Help him, dear Father.

Annie: I been savin' this money for a divorce, if ever I got a husband.

Little Violet: [commenting on George] I like him.
Little Mary: You like every boy.
Little Violet: What's wrong with that?

George Bailey: Well, you look about the kind of angel I'd get. Sort of a fallen angel, aren't you? What happened to your wings?

George Bailey: Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to jail!

Clarence: [In book inscription] Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.

George Bailey: [on Mary being caught naked in the bushes] This is a very interesting situation!

George Bailey: Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!

Clarence: Ohh, there must be some easier way for me to get my wings.

George Bailey: I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that.

Annie: Boys and girls and music. Why do they need gin?

George Bailey: I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long...

George Bailey: Now, you listen to me! I don't want any plastics, and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get married - ever - to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do. And you're... and you're...
[runs out of words, sees her crying]
George Bailey: Oh, Mary, Mary...
Mary: George... George... George...
George Bailey: [kisses her intensely] Mary... Would you?... Would you?...

George Bailey: Now, will you do something for me?
Zuzu Bailey: What?
George Bailey: Will you try and get some sleep?
Zuzu Bailey: I'm not sleepy. I want to look at my flower.
George Bailey: I know-I know, but you just go to sleep, and then you can dream about it, and it'll be a whole garden.
Zuzu Bailey: It will?
George Bailey: Uh-huh.

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Funny Observations From Current Events - 12/13/11

2011-12-13T11:09:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Larry King says he wants to be cryogenetically frozen when he dies. Who knew he was still alive?

Donald Trump is going to moderate one of the upcoming Republican debates. He agreed to do it because he gets to fire one of the candidates.

So far only Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have RSVPed for the debate Donald Trump will be hosting. Since no one knew Santorum was still in the race it will be like Gingrich is debating with himself, which gives him the title of masterdebater.

President Obama is being criticized for taking a 17 day vacation at this time, especially, since in just a year he’ll be going on a permanent vacation.

Former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich got sentenced to 14 years in prison. That was 7 years for fraud and 7 years for a really bad hairstyle.

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight for not turning off his cell phone and then being rude. You really can’t fault him for being rude, though, since it’s what he does and he has honed it to a fine art. ( As a side note, the skit he did on SNL was really very funny but I think he can kiss goodbye the possibility of ever flying on American Airlines again.)

The world’s oldest dog has passed away in Japan at the age of 26 years and 8 months. What really makes it unusual is that in Japan dogs are usually eaten way before that.

The E! Network has announced there are going to be multiple spinoffs of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” One of the spinoffs will be “Keeping up with all the Kardashian shows.”

A study has found that rats are actually really nice. Yet that is very contradictory to all the other previous studies about Congress.

For the second week in a row a dog has “accidentally” shot their owner. It almost as if these dogs are becoming cats.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 12/06/11 to 12/08/11

2011-12-12T15:01:00.001-08:00

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten lists from last week, always funny:

Top Ten Signs Your Local News Team Is Drunk

10.Whenever somebody says "Obama," they all do a shot of Jager

9.As temperatures drop, so do the weatherman's pants

8.Trouble pronouncing "gubernatorial"

7.Cool news theme replaced with Grand Funk Railroad's greatest hits

6.Constantly shouting "Our top story: I'm effin' wasted!"

5.Can barely hear the news over the sound of the blender

4.Business attire replaced with hilarious "It's happy hour somewhere" T-shirts

3.Program interrupted by delivery of party ice

2.Its just 30 minutes of horseplay

1.Anchorman and anchorwoman strip naked and play "This just in"

Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10.Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder

9.This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing

8.Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or jacuzzi?

7.Congratulations, I hear you're going to Vail. Wait, nevermind

6.Hey, it's your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?

5.Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich

4.Hey, it's Dave. Tonight's Top Ten List is about you. Nice work

3.It's 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?

2.This is President Obama. I'm granting you a full pardon. Nah, I'm just screwing with you

1.It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Top Ten Ways The Super Earth Is Different From Earth

10.It's 2.4 times the size of Earth, or roughly the size of Regis Philbin's wallet

9.Every Tuesday is Ladies Night

8.Waffles even more delicious

7.The whole planet? Free WiFi

6.Most popular funk band: Super Earth, Wind, and Fire

5.On this planet Oates has the mustache; on that planet, Hall has the mustache

4.Most popular insult: "What, were you born on regular Earth?"

3.No designated hitter

2.Has creamy caramel center

1.If you think Oprah's great, wait until you meet Super Oprah

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Best Jokes of the Week From Late Night - 12/09/11

2011-12-09T10:25:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino." –Conan O'Brien

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno

"The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino's, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars..." –Jay Leno

"Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday...he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn't find a date." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas." –Jay Leno

"To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is." –Jay Leno

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." –Jay Leno

"We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he's a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, 'Look, one of Santa's elves!'" –David Letterman

"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife." –Craig Ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, it was so cold that Christmas shoppers here at the Wal-Mart pepper sprayed each other just to feel the burn. –Jay Leno

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor. –Jay Leno

According to reports, one of Moammar Gadhafi’s sons had an elaborate plan to sneak into Mexico. Authorities broke up the plan before it took place. Believe me, if there's one thing Mexico will not stand for, it’s people sneaking over their border. –Jay Leno

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam. –Jay Leno

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister's exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them.” –Conan O'Brien

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. –Conan O'Brien

Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty. –David Letterman

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. –David Letterman

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair. –Craig Ferguson

To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian's marriage and add 14 years. –Craig Ferguson

He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up three seats for standby passengers. –Craig Ferguson

The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a designer in New York unveiled a bottle of perfume that costs $1 million. Yeah, a million bucks for a few ounces of liquid. Which explains its name: “Starbucks.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil. –Jimmy Fallon

This month marks the 19th anniversary of the text message. Man, I can’t believe that 20 years ago, we didn’t have the ability to write someone and let them know, “Hey, just called you.” –Jimmy Fallon

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The Holidays and Getting Fat(ter)

2011-12-08T10:31:00.001-08:00

The holidays can be a tough time of year for many Americans. I’m not saying that because of the so-called holiday stress but because America’s collective asses are already way too big and this is the time of year they tend to get a lot bigger. People used to talk about California breaking off into the ocean because of an earthquake but these days there is more of a danger of the country splitting apart at the seams, say the Mississippi River, from all of the fat people spread throughout the country.

These days fat Americans are so addicted to sugar they are even eating the fruitcakes that have been being re-gifted year after year, possibly threatening extinction of the fruitcake (since they haven’t made new ones for a long time.)

Apparently, at this time of year the eating hormone kicks in and people are compelled to eat or drink everything in front of them, especially if it is sweet, greasy or alcoholic. This previously unknown hormone then gave birth to the New Year’s resolution where everybody resolves to lose weight, failing already on New Year’s Day because they are too hung over, they give up on the whole thing.

Then a new year leads to a gradual weight gain until they hit another holiday season where the fat clings to the body like a meat dress does to Lady Gaga. The whole vicious cycle starts again which is why power walking has given way to power waddling as a great source of exercise in America.

The holiday season is good for the economy, even after the fact, because of all the people who keep getting fatter have to buy new clothes, except for skinny pants. The sale of skinny pants definitely suffers from the holidays, except for that occasional female who tries to fit a size 14 body into a pair of skinny pants and makes it look like their ass is about to explode. (Even they wouldn’t have the nerve to ask, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” But they, somehow, still try to pull it off.) You see them walk by and look at the person you are with and all you can say is, “Seriously?” It’s the one time that a man can look at a woman’s rear end with their spouse in attendance and not get in trouble because there are just some things you can’t not look at.

While there are probably some people who actually lose weight during the holidays, they would never admit it though, because there would be too many fat people that would be pissed at them and would probably want to do them bodily harm, most likely by sitting on them.

The best thing to do regarding weight gain at this time of year is try to look on the bright side. Turn a negative into a positive. Don’t think of it as getting fatter, think of it as expanding the awareness of yourself. And as gravy on top of that (oops, sorry) think of it as income potential because you might soon be able to play Santa Claus.

I hadn’t realize this until someone just pointed it out to me, but stressed spelled backwards spells desserts so it just seems natural that the stress of holidays should cause one to eat desserts and be justified. But just as a word of warning, if you do that don’t stand too close to the Mississippi River at Christmas time.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/02/11

2011-12-07T10:43:00.001-08:00

(My computer was down last week so I didn't get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien

"Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department." –Jay Leno

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno

"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno

"It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, 'When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named 'Jihad.' Or as the TSA put it, 'Hope you like Amtrak!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: “Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O'Brien

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I'm just curious, how many people were here for "Two and a Half Men" and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O'Brien

In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O'Brien

There's a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What's credit?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 12/06/11

2011-12-06T11:04:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations based on keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Before he dropped out of the GOP race, Herman Cain was asked about foreign affairs and his response was, “Now that’s something I have definitely not had.”

Ricky Martin is in talks to join the cast of Glee. The producers are hoping if he does join the cast that it won’t make it look like a gay show.

Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone. If it’s really smart it won’t be letting it’s users spend so much time on Facebook.

Jon Huntsman was openly pushing for Herman Cain to get out of the GOP presidential race. He said, “We have more important issues to talk about than the latest bimbo eruption.” For Huntsman a more important issues would be to ask, “Who is Jon Huntsman?”

President Obama met in the Oval Office with Timothy Geithner, the Treasury Secretary, on Monday. He started the conversation with, “China hasn’t foreclosed yet, have they?”

Since the US Post Office is facing bankruptcy they are going to be making cuts that will slow down the delivery. Good plan! Make the service crappier to increase your business.

For your Christmas gifts and cards to arrive on time you will need to have mailed them last week.

December is National Identity Awareness Month. Identity thieves are proud to have their own specially designated month. After they are caught and in prison they’ll have a special time designated for them there too, which is “Bend Over in the Shower to Pick Up Your Soap Awareness Month.”

According to a survey, only 1% of teenagers sext. They said they were too busy having sex with their teachers to be sexting.

A high school principal from the Bronx is in hot water for a Facebook photo of her with a topless man drizzling chocolate sauce on her. She’ll be in detention all next week after school and several male students have volunteered to supervise the detention.

NY police officers accidentally ate the pizza and drank the sodas bought by two Occupy protesters they had arrested minutes earlier. They said it wasn’t a big deal because they also went to the bathroom for the protesters to relieve themselves of the pizza and sodas.

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Funny Quotes About Christmas

2011-11-30T10:36:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny quotes about Christmas and the holiday season, in general:

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11//29/11

2011-11-29T11:07:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last. We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out. Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing? It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches. What’s next? Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?...Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k. Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week. But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery. Lindsay was in shock. She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun. I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days. Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California. Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down. Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail. At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/21/11 to 11/23/11

2011-11-28T11:30:00.001-08:00

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You Ate Too Much At Thanksgiving Dinner

10.You're sweatin' giblets

9.By the time everyone finished saying grace, you were having seconds

8.Like parade balloons, you require a dozen handlers to navigate you to the couch

7.To pry you from your chair, family slathers you in Crisco

6.Asked yourself, "What would Chris Christie do?"

5.Pants button popped and knocked out grandma

4.You're visible from the International Space Station

3.Your skin has taken on the hue of ham glaze

2.Your ass went from Kourtney to Kim

1.You have to loosen the buckle on your watch

Top Ten Super Committee Excuses

10."Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee"

9."Got distracted by Congress's new 'Donkey Kong' machine"

8."Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces"

7."When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new Twilight movie, you see the new Twilight movie"

6."Quit early to get in line for the black Friday sale at Annie Sez"

5."It's the curse of the chupacabra"

4."We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses"

3."It's Robert Wagner's fault"

2."Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done"

1."President Santorum will figure it out"

Top Ten Other Articles In the Al Qaeda Magazine

10."How To Winterize Your Beard"

9."Sexiest Mullah Alive"

8."Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab"

7."Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage"

6."101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions"

5."What's the Right Shoe Bomb For You?"

4."2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year"

3."An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney"

2."Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spiderhole"

1."Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?"

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Thanksgiving, Pilgrims and Computers

2011-11-24T09:50:00.001-08:00

Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer. (What can I say? I had some free time since my computer wasn’t working.) Anyway, this is what I came up with:

Female Pilgrim: Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.

Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou. I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming over and all the cooking thouest needs to do.

Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron. To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer. I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.

Male Pilgrim: Oh that, yeah, I cannot. Windows is not working.

Female Pilgrim: I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working. What does that matter anyway? It’s November in New England. We don’t need the windows open.

Male Pilgrim: No dearest, wife. Windows is the operating system on the computer. If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.

Female Pilgrim: Oh, well, I guess that is good. That means thouest can’t look at porn now.

Male Pilgrim: No, no, no, darling. I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.

Female Pilgrim: Thouest are full of excrement from the cow. I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.

Male Pilgrim: Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.

Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH! Sometimes I wish those Indians had never even given us that computer. I think maybe we should just give it back to them.

Male Pilgrim: But then people would call us “Indian givers.”

Female Pilgrim: That is not what that term means! Thouest really are a moron!

Male Pilgrim: Whateverest.

Female Pilgrim: Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight. You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.

Male Pilgrim: Well, thouest spends too much time on chat lines.

The camera (there had to be a camera in this movie that is going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.) They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.

First Indian: They give us diseases, we give them computers.

They high five again.

Back to the Pilgrim couple.

Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I'm going to watch football.

Female Pilgrim: Watch what?

Male Pilgrim: Football, it's an American tradition every Thanksgiving.

Female Pilgrim: (Exasperated) But this is the first Thanksgiving!

Male Pilgrim: Then I guess I'll be starting the tradition.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/14/11 to 11/17/11

2011-11-23T11:31:00.001-08:00

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Regis

10.Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan

9.The endless complaining

8.His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne

7.Did I mention the endless complaining

6.The way he always lets you pay for dinner

5.Who do you think killed Osama?

4.The various talented actors who have played Regis

3.His antique car collection and his enormous chin

2.When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from "Beautiful Baby Week"

1.This (VT: Shirtless Regis)

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At "Live! With Regis And Kelly"

10."And you are...?"

9."It's one of Regis' last shows -- try not to ruin it"

8."Hair and makeup? What's the point?"

7."Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show"

6."Please tell me you're not Regis' replacement"

5."Gelman frisks all of the guests"

4."Just what we need, another whiny old guy"

3."Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?"

2."There he is -- get him!"

1."Right this way, Conan"

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During This Moment

10."Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"

9."I told them politics was off limits"

8."Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"

7."Why the hell am I in Milwaukee?"

6."Uh, 9-9-9?"

5."What would Rick Dees do?"

4."I'm gonna be on YouTube!"

3."I should have called Bob Costas"

2."These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"

1."Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10.Goodbye eggs benedict; hello eggs Newt

9.Beatles broke up because "Newt" couldn't get along with "Newt"

8.Trump would be known as "The Newt"

7.Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!

6.Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt"

5.The mother on "How I Met Your Mother": Newt

4.When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, "Be more specific, Newt"

3.On "Jeopardy," people just keep buzzing in and saying, "Who is Newt?"

2.When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey

1.You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/22/11

2011-11-22T12:16:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?” All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week. Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room. I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan. He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House. When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower. Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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Late Night Takes on the Liberals

2011-11-16T09:47:00.001-08:00

Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. ... But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.'' —Jay Leno

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/15/11

2011-11-15T09:55:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Lady Gaga is going to have a Thanksgiving special this year. In honor of the holiday she’ll perform in a turkey meat dress.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, Al-Qaeda may be targeting our food supply with deadly chemicals. Sorry Al-Qaeda, Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Campbell's and a few others already beat you to it.

One of Herman Cain’s accusers said he made inappropriate advances and tried to reach up her skirt. Obviously, he was not a politician back then or he would have not only succeeded in reaching up her skirt but would have successful in getting her to have sex with him.

Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior. Nobody’s talking about Obama’s inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn’t just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country.

Two gay penguins in a Toronto zoo are being separated and they are trying to pair them up with female penguins. As part of the process neither penguin will be allowed to see any more episodes of the TV show Glee.

There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction. They are at an impasse. There must be a definition of “super” that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress.

Rick Perry has been accused of having brain freeze, which is likely a side effect of his cold heart when he approves executions.

In Georgia at a Taco Bell a deer jumped through the window. Afterward, a Taco Bell spokesman gloated, “Now let’s hear people say there’s no meat in Taco Bell.”

Last week was International Fraud Awareness week. So, technically, the entire government should have shut down, but being aware that they were fraudulent they decided to stay open.

Apple is working on 3-D technology that can be seen without glasses. Someone should tell them that Mother Nature beat them to it with the invention of the eyeball.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/7/11 to 11/10/11

2011-11-14T10:11:00.001-08:00

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of last week:

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses

10 There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh . . Oops

9 I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well

8 I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"

7 I thought the debate was tonight

6 You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude

5 Uh, El Nino?

4 I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate

3 I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here

2 I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain

1 I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day

10 “What? The election is today?”

9 “You need to sober up for your concession speech”

8 “You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!”

7 “There he is. Get him!”

6 “Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you”

5 “You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states”

4 “If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing”

3 “The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray”

2 “Asteroid! Run for your lives!”

1 “Gloria Allred, Line 1”

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It

10 Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

9 Now smokes more than his campaign manager

8 Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

7 Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache

6 Claims Justin Bieber is his father

5 Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

4 Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

3 Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

2 Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry

1 He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/11/11

2011-11-11T10:34:00.001-08:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

"A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America." –Jay Leno

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Differences Between Cats and Dogs

2011-11-10T11:23:00.001-08:00

We’ve all seen many comparisons of cats and dogs. Many people strongly favor one or the other, although some people are bi- household animal lovers and have both dogs and cats. Very often we wonder what animals are thinking and we can only guess. Fortunately, today we have Dr. Stevie Doolittle here to tell us what they really think and say. (That’s me, by the way.)

First of all, you should know that cats always talk in a very snotty aloof British accent. Not that all British accents are snotty, of course, but the ones that cat’s use is, like that of a billionaire’s English butler. The exception to this is if your cat is from the south, then he talks in a slick southern plantation owner accent. Most dogs don’t have a real accent except for the real small breed like Chihuahua, Pekinese, etc., pick you breed (also pick your accent.) Dogs are always enthusiastic, but the smaller ones are sometimes antagonistic. For example, if you walk past a yard that has a Chihuahua in it and he is barking vigorously at your ankles, what he’s really saying is, “This is my land. Get away or I’ll scratch your eyes out, I’ll kill you, I’ll pulverize you, I’ll have you for lunch, etc.”

That’s what he’s saying until you step towards him or lightly stomp your foot at him. Then as he’s running away he’s saying, “Whoa, whoa, I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke and just so you know I’m not scared I just thought I heard my human call me.” Then he forgets why he was running away and comes back to barking at your ankles and the whole sequence starts over again.

If you ask a dog to shake his paw here’s what he’s thinking as he gives you his paw, “Sure, what else you want? Wanna play? I can fetch. Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I’ll sniff your butt if you bend over.”

Ask a cat to shake his paw and this is what you’ll get. A smug stare followed by the thought, “I don’t do tricks. But here’s one you can do. You can kiss my…No, I need to train this imbecile better. Get me some food and brush me and we’ll discuss this need to shake later on…if I can fit you in between naps.” And he walks away.

If you call a dog to come over where you’re at he’ll do so enthusiastically, wagging his tail, even if he was in a sound sleep when you called him and he’ll be saying, “Wanna play? I can fetch. Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I can sniff you butt if you bend over.”

If you call a cat to come to you when he was in a sound sleep, which is pretty much always how they are, he may open his eyes to look at you, but if he bothers it’s only to give you the message, “You annoy me.”

When you compliment a dog he’ll get excited and wag his tail and say “Wanna play? I can fetch. Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I can sniff your butt if you bend over.”

If you compliment a cat it will give you that long uncaring stare and say, “Duh, I know I’m beautiful. Don’t expect a compliment in return. I’m liable to defecate in your shoe for speaking to me. Now, do something to serve me, you peon.”

I think you get the idea in the difference between cats and dogs. This is neither meant as an endorsement or condemnation of either animal, it all has to do with what you want in an animal. But one thing is for sure, if you are looking to get your butt sniffed, go for the dog.

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Late Night Occupy Wall Street Jokes

2011-11-09T10:10:00.001-08:00

Here are some of the best jokes from the late night comedians about the Occupy Wall Street protests:

"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" -Conan O'Brien

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is not going away. They called yesterday for a general strike, for people to stay home from work and boycott any spending – otherwise known as what we're doing already." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element — celebrities." -Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn." –Seth Meyers

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/08/11

2011-11-08T10:16:00.001-08:00

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Scientist in England are building a laser they say is powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space. Ah! It’s nice to know they are working for the betterment of mankind. The scientists may also want to cut down on their consumption of Red Bull.

President Obama was in France for the G-20 summit of world economic powers. What world economic powers? The world’s economies are all messed up. Calling any of the countries in the world today an economic power would be like calling an 80 year-old man, after a prostate operation, a sex machine.

We know the world economies are in trouble when Obama is one of the featured speakers.

Obama and the other world leaders were trying to convince the leaders of Greece that they needed to cut back on spending and reduce their debt. Then the leaders from Greece spoke and showed the other world leaders, much to their amazement, that both the pot and the kettle were the color black.

Kim Kardashian’s marriage was doomed to failure from the start because her sister’s husband, Lamar Odom, is a much better basketball player than her husband is.

Last week, Vinny, from Jersey Shore, spoke to the students at Columbia University. They didn’t bring him in for the students to gain wisdom from but to see what could happen if they party too much and don’t go to class.

With the reputation that Herman Cain is gaining with women he is likely to pull a lot of the democratic vote. In fact, Bill Clinton has already crossed party lines to back him.

November is Vegan Awareness Month. I hope the vegans are aware that the turkeys of America are in total agreement with that concept.

An 83 year-old male prostitute was arrested last week. Police said he only charged $20/hour and that was just to break even on the cost of his Viagra.

The “Occupy Protests” have spread to other cities now. The main reason they are spreading is because Americans are too lazy to travel to Wall Street so they do it in their own cities. Next you’ll hear about the “Occupy the Reclining Chair in Front of My TV” protest.

The 20 year-old girl who says she is carrying Justin Beiber’s baby said their sex only lasted 30 seconds so I think it’s premature to say that he is the father.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 10/28/11 to 11/03/11

2011-11-07T10:15:00.001-08:00

Here are some of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian Marriage

10.Chris Christie's lunch hour

9.A conversation with Regis

8.Every one of Brett Favre's "retirements"

7.The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles -- can I get an amen?

6.Herman Cain Chief of Staff, Mark Block's exhale

5.ABC's remake of "Charlie's Angels"

4.My fatwa

3.Muammar Qaddafi in the drain pipe

2."The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien"

1.This Top Ten list

Top Ten Matt Lauer Travel Tips

10.Get drunk before your flight, airplane booze is expensive

9.Try Greece, where the current exchange rate is one U.S. dollar equals all of their money

8.If you enjoy solitude, you might want to try New York City's Ed Sullivan Theater

7.Foreigners do not like it when you call them "Pappy"

6.You need a souvenir? You grab an extra suitcase from that baggage carousel

5.Try hiking on the Iran/Iraq border

4.When smuggling wildlife, remember: lizards in your shirt, monkeys in your pants

3.If you're in Florence and you want a great meal, you cannot beat the Olive Garden

2.Honeymooning with Kim Kardashian? Get refundable tickets

1.Never look at your hotel room under a black light

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble

10.Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads

9.It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named "Herman"

8.While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby

7.New campaign slogan "Mayday!"

6.Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts

5.He trails Qaddafi's corpse in the polls

4.Refuses to acknowlege the road to the White House goes through me, Dave

3.He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy

2.Just accepted million dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy

1.There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be President

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/04/11

2011-11-04T10:14:00.001-07:00

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn." –Jay Leno

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut." –Jay Leno

"Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan." –Jay Leno

"One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, 'Nein! Nein! Nein!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes." –Jimmy Fallon

"I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi." –Craig Ferguson

"The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced." –Craig Ferguson

President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it. –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth. -Jay Leno

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for? –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said they should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first. –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail again, for 30 days. On the bright side, if she goes back to jail one more time, she gets a free sandwich at Subway. –Craig Ferguson

Anyway, 30 days isn't that long. It's like half a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone — unless they're very funny. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and her professional basketball player husband Kris Humphries filed for divorce on Monday after being married for 72 days. I really thought they were going to make it to Thanksgiving. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim is insisting that she really did marry for love and not publicity. She said her agent was very clear that a love marriage was the most lucrative, in terms of selling home video rights. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm "In God We Trust" as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, “If you don’t believe me, just talk to my publicist.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have ‘Server Not Responding.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Bank of America has scrapped plans for that $5 debit fee. They say, rather than doing something up front that offends people, they would get with us a $10 hidden fee we'll never see coming somewhere down the line. –Jay Leno

President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion. –Jay Leno

In New York today Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I'm really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down. –David Letterman

A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008. –Jimmy Fallon

A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, “You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Fun In Airports

2011-11-03T11:30:00.001-07:00

Many people get bored or discouraged when they have a long layover time in an airport when they are flying. I say take advantage of the time and have some fun. If you are thinking shooting spitballs at the TSA agent you would be wrong. While that would be great fun and even a worthwhile hobby it would be too dangerous because of those pesky security camera they have all over the place. But at least I know you are thinking the right way.

One of my favorite activities in airport, besides leaving other coffee company’s cups inside Starbucks stores, is the people movers. It’s fun to act like you are in a hurry and have people move to the right so that you can make your “emergency” pass. But it can also be a lot of fun to just ride back and forth on the people movers. Although, to avoid looking like a crazy person who is just killing time (which is what you’d be doing) you have to act like you just went the wrong way.

This can take a great deal of acting skill and makes it all the more fun. When you get off the people mover you have to stop and look like you just realized it’s very possible you went in the wrong direction. You need to look in the direction you just came and back the other way. Put your hands on your hips and scrunch up your face a little. Then you look like you had the sudden realization that you went in the wrong direction. You shake your head and laugh at how silly you were to go the wrong way and get back on the people mover in the direction from which you just came. Be sure to have a big smile on your face and let it diminish as you get closer to the other end because you’ll have to do the same thing all over again.

One warning though, do not get to carried away with this little drill and start acting like a mime trying to get out of his invisible box because you might have people have a sudden urge to beat you.

While you probably thought people were watching your award winning performance from the start, once you’ve done this for an hour or two you will definitely have an audience so you’re going to want to carry a tip cup with you so you can be rewarded like any street performer would be. So, really you can make this layover actually pay off. It’s much better than just wandering in stores where you are likely to spend money. With this you get to entertain yourself and make money, supposedly.

It really gets fun if you are with one or more people and they’ll play too because then you get to point and even pretend to argue with the other person about the direction you were supposed to go in.

If none of this strikes your fancy you can pretend you are a computer geek and can’t wait to get off the plane so you can immediately sit on the disgustingly dirty airport floors and get your Internet and e-mail fix. Unless you are actually a computer geek, than go ahead and do that anyway, without pretending.

If none of this seems like fun you can always go back to what you thought I was going to say in the first place and shoot spitballs at the TSA agents. Just to be safe though, see if you can get one of those invisibility cloaks like Harry Potter uses. Or if you can’t locate one of those you can at least PRETEND you have one.

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Late Night Takes on Kim Kardashian's Marriage

2011-11-02T13:20:00.001-07:00

This is but a sampling of the jokes that are yet to come from the late night comedians on Kim Kardashian's recent divorce filing:

1. Jimmy Kimmel Live host Jimmy Kimmel: "I hate to ruin the mood, but it's my duty as an American talk show host to report that after 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and her NBA player husband Kris Humphries are splitting up. She has decided not to pick his option up for another season."

2. The Tonight Show host Jay Leno: “To their credit, they did try 20 minutes of counseling. It just didn't work.”

3. The Late Show host David Letterman: “They started bickering at the altar -- now they’re fighting over custody of the cake.”

4. The Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson, after making a joke about the 7 billionth person being born Monday: "You know what's even more surprising? Of all the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced."

5. Kimmel: "It's a shame. I thought they'd be together for at least another five to 10 Us Weekly covers."

6. Kimmel: "Kim has asked that her fans give her a complete lack of privacy during this time."

7. Kimmel: “I wonder what happens to that 20-karat engagement ring he gave her. You know, if nobody’s using it, I bet it would look great in my belly button

8. Letterman: "They’re planning a lavish divorce at the Laguna Niguel Ritz-Carlton with 3,000 guests.”

9. Kimmel: "I feel kind of cheated by all this. I cried during every minute of that wedding special, and I want those 11 hours of my life back now."

10. Ferguson: "If two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a TV show can't make it, what hope is there for any of us?

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Late Night Takes on Kim Kardashian's Marriage

2011-11-02T10:36:00.001-07:00