Funny Observations from Current Events - 05/15/12

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The Chicago History Museum is now displaying Hugh Hefner’s “little black book.”  In the early part of the book there are only addresses and no phone numbers because it was before phones were invented.

Vidal Sassoon died last week at 84 years of age.  His hair will live on indefinitely.

President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage last week.  Joe Biden had done the same thing just a few days prior.  The rumor is they will be married shortly after the election in November.

The big winners after Obama endorsed gay marriage – Bert and Ernie!

The Republicans won’t agree to endorse gay marriage but they have offered a compromise.  They are willing to concede that Glee is sometimes a pretty darn good TV show.

The CIA unveiled a plan Al-Qaida had regarding a sophisticated underwear bomb.  The plan was discovered when one of the suicide terrorists bragged to a female TSA agent that, “she would get a bang out of what’s in his underwear.”

A new study says that by 2030 42% of Americans will be obese.  So, apparently, America will be getting thinner over the next 18 years.

Sylvester Stallone announced plans to shoot another Rambo movie.  Its title is “I’ll Keep Making Rambo Movies as Long as You’ll Pay to See Them.”

Obama had a $40,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Hollywood.  Nothing says “the common man’s president” like a $40,000 a plate dinner.

Obama’s new campaign slogan is “It’s not the economy, stupid!  It’s who killed bin Laden.”

For Mother’s Day, Hooters gave free chicken wings to mothers.  But mostly sons took their mothers to Hooters because they were interested in the water wings on the waitresses.

A pair of underpants that once belonged to Queen Victoria are up for auction on eBay.  They became available when the Queen switched to thongs.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/11/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for. –Jay Leno

The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay. –Jay Leno

You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse. –Jay Leno

My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to. –Jay Leno

"The Avengers" continues to break box-office records. The Pentagon refused to provide military hardware because they found the movie too unrealistic. They said they can't lend any tanks until they explain why the Hulk's pants don't fall off. –Conan O’Brien

According to the health department, New York City strip-club kitchens have the fewest health-code violations of all restaurants in the city. The same cannot be said for the girls, but the kitchen has the fewest health-code violations. –David Letterman

Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants. –David Letterman

Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what? –David Letterman

Set your exploding underpants on low and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels. –David Letterman

Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn't all positive though. He also said the show "Glee" has jumped the shark. –Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people. . –Craig Ferguson

Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco. . –Craig Ferguson

Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married. . –Craig Ferguson

President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, "Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?" -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, “I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.” -Jimmy Fallon

Nestle is releasing new Crunch bars in Girl Scout cookie flavors like Thin Mint and Peanut Butter. And to make it even more authentic, Nestle’s CEO is having his parents pressure their coworkers into buying them. -Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents. –Jay Leno

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. –Jay Leno

New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican. –Conan O’Brien

I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray. –David Letterman

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school. –Craig Ferguson

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. –Craig Ferguson

Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a "Jersey Shore" special. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum woke up this morning and said, "I endorsed who?" –Jimmy Kimmel

In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers. –Jimmy Kimmel

In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. -Jimmy Fallon

Most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. We have a name for those 10 minutes — “job interviews.” -Jimmy Fallon

France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered. –Jay Leno

President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with? –Jay Leno

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark's airport she bought a ticket from New York to L.A. for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of luggage. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom "Will & Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address." –Conan O’Brien

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss. –Craig Ferguson

I wish our election was more like the election in France. By that, I mean I wish it was over. –Craig Ferguson

"The Avengers" made an unbelievable amount of money this weekend — $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I've always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds. –Jimmy Kimmel

Producers are hard at work on the sequel, which is tentatively titled "The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid! –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be "inconceivable" for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, "Yep.” -Jimmy Fallon

After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, "Uh-oh.” -Jimmy Fallon

In an interview this weekend, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek hinted that he might retire in two years. Or as he put it, "Born in 1940, this game show host wants to sit around in his bathrobe eating ice cream.” -Jimmy Fallon

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Funny Political Quotes

Here are some very funny political quotes from a variety of sources ranging from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain:

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." —Mark Twain

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." —President Abraham Lincoln

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.''

—President John Kennedy

''Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.''

—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

''You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy.''

—Bill Clinton, looking at 'Juanita,' a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum (When asked about the remark, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry privately quipped to reporters, ''Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been f**king.'')

''What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?''

—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.''

—Mark Twain

''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.''

—Groucho Marx

''He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.''

—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

''Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.''

—Ronald Reagan

''If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head.''

—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

''Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.''

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

''If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?''

—Abraham Lincoln

''There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil.''

—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

''Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.''

—Ronald Reagan

'I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.''

—Bill Clinton, on the White House

''The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it.''

—P.J. O'Rourke, 'Parliament of Whores'

''I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting.''

—Ronald Reagan

''As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?''

—Dave Barry

''Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.''

—Bill Clinton

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ''Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.''

Churchill: ''Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.''

''I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.''

—Ronald Reagan

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How Classic Movie Quotes Were Originally Different

I am a movie buff.  I like to watch movies very much.  It’s a little known fact how many of the most famous movie quotes actually were originally written very differently and had they not been re-written they would not have had nearly the same impact.

I did a lot of research on this and the research I do for this web site is well documented. In fact, there is a document on my desk right now that says I actually do research, despite what anybody else says.

Here are some examples of how some famous quotes were changed, and it’s lucky they were:

One of the most famous movie quotes of all time by Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” was originally quite different.  The first version went like this, “Gee, Scarlett, (Gables’ eyes start to tear up) maybe we can sit down and discuss this and come to a compromise that will work equally well for both of us…No? Okay, I guess I’ll be leaving then, but remember the door will always be open for reconciliation.”

I think we can all agree that the flavor of the movie would have been changed if they gone with the original version.

Here’s another example of how re-writing can make a huge difference.  In the Godfather, Marlon Brando said, “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”  The original version was like this, “I’m hoping and praying I can come up with something that will work for all of us.”  That may have weakened the movie a bit.

Then there was the famous quote from Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz, “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  This one was vastly different with the original one being, “Toto, where the f*** are we now?  Oh, what the hell am I asking a damn dog for?  That damn wicked witch must have put a f***ing spell on me.”  If they had stuck with that line it would have hurt the Dorothy character’s likability.

Another classic movie quote was from Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  The line was originally going to be, “I love the smell of flowers in the morning.”  That didn’t work.  So they decided it needed more of an edge and they made it, “I love the smell of coffee in the morning.” Still no good.  Finally they settled on, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” and the rest is history.

I know what you are thinking now.  You are thinking I’m making this all up and you are probably saying to me now, “I WANT THE TRUTH.”  And my answer to that is, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.”  So that’s all I have to say about that, at least until next time when I might just do more of these because I’m having fun..and that’s the truth.

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Funny Observation from Current Events – 05/01/12

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress is still very upset about the whole Secret Service/prostitution scandal.  They are launching an investigation to find out why they weren’t allowed in on it.

According to his book, Dreams from my Father, President Obama said that when he was a young boy he ate dog meat.  Now, apparently, he is saying his dog is getting back at him by eating the true figures on unemployment and that’s why he’s making up his own numbers.

The TSA frisked a 4 year old in an airport.  So, now if you work for the TSA it’s not just legal to be a general pervert but you can be a pedophile as well.

According to a recent study only one out of ten women considers herself attractive.  The irony is that if a man can get a woman naked he doesn’t really care what she looks like.  Additionally, many men during sex are thinking of other women anyway.

Last weekend was the NFL player draft.  Some of the players that got drafted were so excited they partied like government employees at taxpayers expense.

It’s a law now in California that police must screen adult films to make sure condoms are being used.  As a result, there has been an influx of TSA agents applying to the LAPD.

Mel Gibson admitted on the Tonight Show that he does have “a bit of a temper.”  That’s like Al Gore admitting that he can be a little boring.

The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Post Office to stop Saturday deliveries in order to stop the flow of red ink from the agency.  So the government is sticking to its philosophy of making a crappy service even crappier in order to make it better.

Vice President, Joe Biden, was promoting Obama’s foreign policy and to prove how good the administration is at foreign policy Biden said he was going to eat in an Italian restaurant that night.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/27/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:

After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. "Well, I guess you're stuck with me." –Jay Leno

Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country. –Jay Leno

Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon's most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse. –Jay Leno

Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama." –Conan O’Brien

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches." –Conan O’Brien

It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used — which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To protect and perv." –Conan O’Brien

I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You'll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, "He cheated on me with his administrative professional." -Jimmy Kimmel

We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods. -Jimmy Kimmel

The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed. They went shopping. -Jimmy Kimmel

The deal will pay the Kardashian family — get this — $40 million. It's the biggest contract in the history of reality television. It's harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape. -Jimmy Kimmel

You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, "Metta Real Housewife.” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the Real Housewives, tonight on the show we have Caroline Manzo from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Because I mean, how else can you top having President Obama? –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did "Slow Jam the News," he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, "Dude, don't you have a country to run?” –Jimmy Fallon

It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA. –Jay Leno

Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts. –Jay Leno

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. –Jay Leno

Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. –Jay Leno

For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food. –Conan O’Brien

Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts. –Conan O’Brien

Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink? –Jimmy Kimmel

Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap. –Jimmy Kimmel

The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did? –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.  –Jimmy Fallon

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac hologram. –Jimmy Fallon

Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from "Yes, we can" to "Duke sucks." –Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one. –Jay Leno

Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that's his name now — was ejected from yesterday's game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma's James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints. –Jay Leno

But we live in a society that rewards bad behavior. Metta World Peace just picked up an endorsement for elbow macaroni. –Jay Leno

A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, "free pizza in my room." –Conan O’Brien

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.  –Conan O’Brien

One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars. –David Letterman

These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers. –David Letterman

Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. Her publicist says it's for real. In fact they're already planning the sham wedding. –David Letterman

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/20/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women. –Conan O’Brien

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar. –Conan O’Brien

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats. –Conan O’Brien

The Megamillions story is getting interested. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other. –Conan O’Brien

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. –Craig Ferguson

Apparently only "employees" are allowed to wear those tiny orange shorts. –Craig Ferguson

Justin didn't design the furniture, nor did he build it. Other than that, it's all his. He's seen it. Maybe. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark. -Jimmy Kimmel

But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. . -Jimmy Kimmel

This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it. . -Jimmy Kimmel

The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks. . -Jimmy Kimmel

During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid. –Conan O’Brien

There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan. –Conan O’Brien

In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk. –Conan O’Brien

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke. –Craig Ferguson

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service. –Craig Ferguson

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president. –Craig Ferguson

In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander. -Jimmy Kimmel

I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that? -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those. -Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft. –Craig Ferguson

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two. -Jimmy Kimmel

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you. - Jimmy Kimmel

This is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than that North Korean rocket. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it. –Jay Leno

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. –Jay Leno

In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit. –Jay Leno

It's a great day for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They're officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids. –Craig Ferguson

Today in Australia they kicked off the World Atheist Convention. Atheists from around the world get together to congratulate themselves for figuring it all out. –Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for North Korea. Yesterday, they launched a top-secret new missile. It blasted off and flew about 90 seconds and then blew up. It fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

That's what the North Koreans get for launching it on Friday the 13th. Why couldn't they have just waited until Saturday the 14th? Maybe the atheists told them not to worry about it. –Craig Ferguson

Today is Friday the 13th. And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck — just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip. –Jimmy Fallon

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. –Jay Leno

Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK? –Jay Leno

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right." –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out. –Jay Leno

In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. –Conan O’Brien

JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It's called "Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, "Unplug me.”

Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul. -Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don't want to say he's getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn. -Jimmy Fallon

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