Some Thanksgiving Humor

Here are some really funny Thanksgiving jokes that were sent to me by some readers:

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

***

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Pets are Good Medicine and More

Here are some fast humorous thoughts inspired by my dog.

Pets are often thought of as good medicine for sick people.  The Vietnamese take it one step further.  Pets are not only good medicine, but also good for lunch. (Note to self – never go to Vietnam and order a hot dog.)

People talk about a “dog’s life” like it’s a bad thing. Let’s see, they get to lay around and sleep all day, they get their food served to them, and they can lick themselves whenever they want.

Pets are useful in so many ways, like how Lassie would save Timmy every time that idiot kid fell down the well by getting his parents.   Now if Lassie could just learn to go down the well herself and pull the kid out without bothering the parent, so they could finish their martinis, then you really have something.

Dogs are much more loyal than cats.  Dogs will stick with their owners no matter what, whereas cats are more the like the Bill Clinton of pets, they wander around and you never know where they’ve just been.

Once my dog got house trained he would always relieve himself at the same place.  I swear he is the one who wrote the famous poem that starts out “I think that I shall never see a toilet lovely as a tree.”

I haven’t had much luck training my dog.  We were out for a walk and I said to him, “Heel. “  He looked at me kind of offended and said, “Asshole!”

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Funny Quotes From Joan Rivers

Here are some funny one line jokes from Joan Rivers:

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon”

“A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

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Best of the Late Night Jokes - 11/13/09

Here are some of the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

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Obama Claus to the Rescue

As I was walking through Wal-Mart the other day I couldn’t help but notice that the holiday season is upon us.  Unfortunately, for many people this year Christmas will not be the same.  And by that I mean that since Obama was elected President, to the poor, the crooks, criminals, people in Congress, (but I repeat myself) the needy, illegal aliens, CEO’s of large corporations, and every other sort of victimy type person, every day is now Christmas.  If you are looking for a handout then Obama is a more welcome site that any fat guy dressed in a red outfit at Christmas time could ever be.

It is a much sadder story for some children though.  Obama Claus will only be visiting the houses of children who have a household income of less than $250,000.  The only thing those evil rich kids will get is a letter from Obama’s Christmas Czar telling them they have to share all of their gifts with all the less fortunate children.

Obama gives people more hope for free money and stuff than the Nigerian businessman who just wrote you an e-mail telling you he wants to give you 20% of his fortune just for helping you get his money into the country and “it’s all very legal” just give your bank account information so he can deposit the money (wink, wink.)  Somehow I ‘m feeling more trusting of the Nigerian businessman and more hopeful that he’ll be able to deliver on his promise.

I can just imagine Obama Claus sitting in his chair at the mall at Christmas time with the line of children waiting to see him.  A young CEO is first in line.  He walks up to Obama Claus and sits on his lap:

Obama Claus: What would you like for Christmas little boy?

Young CEO: All I want for Christmas is for my company to flourish despite my mismanagement and greed.

Obama Claus: Ho, ho, ho, what a noble little boy you are.  (He points to his elves, played by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) Give this wonderful lad a check for a billion dollars, but only if he promises a big donation to my re-election campaign.  (The two elves drool and fall over each other as they rush to comply with Obama Claus’s every wish.)

Next in line is a young Hillary Clinton, who rushes up to sit on his lap:

Obama Claus: Hey, little girl you’re going to have to move a little bit, your pants suit got caught on my belt buckle. (She moves to make him happy, at least for the time being, until she gets what she really wants.)  So, anyway, what do you want for Christmas?

Young Hillary: Oh, I just want to be President.

Obama Claus: (looking to his elves) Give this kid the same thing we’ll be giving the people from FOX News. (He pushes her off his lap.)

Next is a young conservative Republican.  Hopefully, he rushes up to Obama Claus, who holds up his hand, motioning for him to stop.

Obama Claus: (Coldly to his elves) This kid gets the “pull the plug” type healthcare for Christmas. Next!

A young Joe Biden runs up to Obama Claus to sit in his lap.

Obama Claus: (To his elves) Do I know this kid from somewhere?  He looks familiar.  (They shrug their shoulders.)  (To the kid) Anyway, what do you want?

Young Joe: I just want you to acknowledge that I exist.

Obama Claus:  I gotta go now. (He ignores the kid and stands up dumping young Joe to the ground.) (He waves to all the other kids in line waiting for their promise of “hope and change”) Sorry, I don’t have time for you guys I have to get back to the White House so I can write my acceptance speech for my next Nobel Peace Prize, while also planning the next phase of the war in Afghanistan.

For my taste, I’ll continue believing in the real Santa Claus.

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It Could be Worse – Issue IV

It’s time for another episode of “It could be Worse” where you look at something you don’t like in your current life scene and make it better by comparing how it could be worse.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be a freshly made doughnut at Dunkin Donuts and a group of people come in who were about to audition for “The Biggest Loser” show.

(This week in the news there was actually a guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse, which he said he “did by accident”)

It could be worse, you could be that horse and have your feelings hurt when the guy who had sex with you said he did it by accident.

It could be worse, you could be the guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse… (I could stop there but I’ll continue) and when you are in the prison shower the other prisoners want you to oink like a pig and you wanted to neigh like a horse.

It could be worse, you could be Ronald McDonald and catch your wife having a burger with Jack, from Jack-in-the-Box.

It could be worse, you could die and after  your wife has you cremated you come back to visit her as a ghost you find out she has more than “one urn on the fireplace”.

It could be worse, you could be the size of the average fat -assed American citizen and you lose your job.  When you go out on the street with your ”will work for food” sign nobody hires you because they are afraid they couldn’t afford you.

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Obama Jokes From One Year Ago

Here are some late night jokes about Obama from before, during, and just after the election of just one year ago. Late night jokes are a great source of news and a lot more of a fun way to hear it:

"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

"And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman

"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn't that unbelievable?" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money." --Jay Leno

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." –Conan O'Brien

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