Some More Funny Christmas Quotes

'Tis the season to be jolly, so here are some more funny Christmas quotes.

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers.

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "

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Some "History" Based Jokes

Being a bit of a history buff caused me to come up with these “historically based” jokes:

History has influenced television quite a bit, even from the beginnings of TV.  Back in the 50’s Ozzie and Harriet, in honor of former President Truman, nearly named their show “Give ‘em Hell Harriet.”

In the future it is likely that Obama and Ben Bernake will have their pictures on the new dollar, which will be called “nuclear money”.  Historians will look back and see that their actions caused the future money to have a half-life of the old money.

George Washington was such a great leader that there are actually 2 holidays in his honor.  The first is, of course, President’s day and the other one, many people don’t realize was also in his honor, is Labor Day.  That’s because he gave birth to a nation (and  rumor has it he helped create a lot of the births back then too.)

People also learn from history.  The male members of the Kennedy family pattered their lives after the some formal sexual dynamos who were also from Massachusetts – the “Minute Men”.

Dick Cheney is already a big part of history and Hollywood is thinking of making a movie about his life.  But being Hollywood they tend to change things.  It will be a cartoon movie and he’ll play the part of the Roadrunner and this time the coyote gets him.  I think it’ll be a big hit.

In the future, after Bill Clinton passes on, there will probably be a tell-all book about his sexual conquests and it is very likely that the Obama administration premise of “too big to fail”, especially for many of these artificially created entities, will again prove to be a falsehood.

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Funny Woody Allen Quotes

Here are some funny jokes by Woody Allen:

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/04/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." –Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." –Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." –Conan O'Brien

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I Swear, This Could Work

I just read an article about how some psychologist said you can relieve pain or upset by swearing.  My first thought was “What an a_ _hole!”  Then I realized, what do you know, he was right, I do feel better!

It made me wonder, can we just skip the whole Obamacare thing and just swear our way to good health?  It would save a lot of money if that would work.  But then, of course, those stupid, rotten *^%$^$#&##$%& %@!$^&  congressmen (whew! Excuse me for that, but it did feel good.) would try to tax swearing.  Naturally, just as Congress is trying to make themselves exempt from the healthcare that the rest of the nation would have, they would also be exempt from the tax on swearing.  (Which  makes me wish that swearing in congress was a legit thing, if only momentarily, like if, Joe Wilson, the “you lie guy” could have said what he was really thinking when he yelled that infamous, yet totally true, statement at Obama on the floor of congress.  Okay, okay, I know I’m getting off the track here, but it was a fun thought.) Anyway, the whole swearing tax probably wouldn’t work, it would just create a lot of black market swearing and groups going underground to swear.

Swearing could be the reason that professional athletes don’t have more injuries than they do.  If you can at all read lips when you watch them on TV you know they aren’t spewing out nursery rhymes, or if they were they would go like this:

Jack and Jill went up the f$%^#!$  hill,

To fetch a pail of go#%^$&@#$*!;! water.

“Hey, my knee does feel better.”

But then again this swearing to heal could have a totally undesirable effect too.  What if the uncle you always hated was laying in a coma waiting to die and in a weak moment you decided to vent at him.  The intention of the cussing directed at him could have the undesired effect of bringing him back to life.  He’d wake up and smile at you and you’d have to go into the other room and cuss up a storm at yourself to make you feel better.

Or, what if one day you went into an uncontrollable cussing rage with your boss who you had secretly wanted a whole array of bad, evil things to happen to and he suddenly became the healthiest person on earth.  And that could only make you want to swear more, making him even healthier.

Here’s another unworkable idea, what if your child was sick and with totally good intentions you started swearing at the little b_ _ _ _ _ _ to make him well.  Even if he got well he would resent you for the rest of his life.

After careful examination of this idea this psychologist has of relieving pain and upset by swearing, I think it’s safe to say that he has his head way up his a_ _! (Again, that felt good.)  What’s next?  Are the shrinks going to start prescribing drugs for depression, instead of just eating right and being busy and productive… Wait a minute!!  OH S_ _ T!

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Funny Christmas Quotes

December is all about the holidays so here are some funny Christmas quotes:

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  - Phyllis Diller

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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Jay Leno

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Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. - Unknown

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Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. - Unknown

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I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields

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Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

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The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. - Johnny Carson

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Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. - Kin Hubbard

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discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong

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Some Airline Humor

The recent gaffes by airlines pilots inspired me with some airline jokes:

The airlines seem so stingy about even handing out peanuts these days but I realized it is because most of the peanuts end up in the cockpit with the pilots so they have something to eat with their beer while they are watching porn on their computers.

I saw some ex-pilots in the airport with their “will fly for booze” signs.

The last time I was on a flight I got really worried when the navigator came out of the cockpit and asked the flight attendant ,“Which way to the restroom.”

That flight was miserable.  The first time it went well for me was when I was in the restroom and we hit an air pocket….cured my constipation on the spot.

Whenever you’re traveling with a tour group it is easy to pick out the gay guys.  They are always the first ones ready to go in the morning because they already had their s_ _t packed the night before.

Obama had to go through the metal detector at the airport the other day and he set it off.  He didn’t have a gun or anything but it proved what most people have suspected, to say and do some of the stuff he’ done he’s got to have brass balls.

I heard they are going to bring back full meals on some airlines but it will be McDonald’s food to keep it inexpensive.  Plus, it will also be convenient since the barf bags are already there.

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