It Could Be Worse – Issue VI

Every now and again I cheer people up by pointing out how things could really be much worse than they really are.  Here are a few samples:

It could be worse:  You could be an important Naval Officer and you think the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be repealed but you are embarrassed to say anything because of your rank, which is “Rear Admiral”.

It could be worse:  You could have been told to stop driving your Toyota because the gas pedal might stick and the brakes may not work and you’d like to comply but you can’t because your gas pedal is stuck and the brakes are not working.

It could be worse:  You could be attacked by a hungry bear but after seeing your body close up he decides not to eat you because he is on a low fat diet.

It could be worse:  You could be a guy who asks Lady Gaga out on a date and she turns you down because she thinks you are a little too odd for her taste.

It could be worse:  You could be a dentist that specializes in tooth whitening and you want to set up your business in England.

It could be worse:  You really love football but you’re from Detroit ( I could stop there but I’ll continue) so you have vowed to never watch the Super Bowl until the Detroit Lions are playing in it.

It could be worse:  You could be John Edwards and  you feel you have to keep sleeping with different women until you find one that has hair as well kept as yours.

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Some Bob Hope Quotes

Here are some jokes from on of the all time great comedians, Bob Hope:

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like to play golf in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

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Best of the Week's Jokes From Late Night - 02/05/10

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born." –Jay Leno

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

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Advice That’s Not always Nice

For this week’s article we have a guest columnist, who may return periodically, assuming I’m not arrested or burned in effigy as a result of the advice she gives out.  Please welcome Darnfunnyonline’s new advice columnist, “Dear Crabby”.

Now for the questions from our readers:

Dear Crabby,

I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body.  I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it.  It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn’t know what to think.  What should I have done?

Embarrassed in North Dakota

Dear Embarrassed,

Since you said your “old, dear friend” I’m guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it’s cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times.  So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way.  If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter.  After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow.  So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty.  The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m a college student and I think I might be pregnant.  What should I do?

Oops! In Oregon

Dear Oops,

First of all I’m assuming you’re blonde.  Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom?  As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I’m guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It’s probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.)  Go to that building and look up birth control.  Next, stop getting drunk on dates.  And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it’s because they have good food at reasonable prices.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  Any advice?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

I was wrong.  I thought I couldn’t getter any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl’s above, but you have humbled me.  I’m gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak.  My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)

Crabby

Thank you for reading “Dear Crabby” and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters “Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady” and “Dear Menopausal Woman”.

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Groundhog Day Jokes a Day Later

I realize I'm a day late with the Groundhog day humor but there are some holidays you just don't want to end, so here you go (stuff that was sent to me):

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

11. It's on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows".

3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney".

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

-----------------------------

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I?ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

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Jokes from the Recent News

Here are some jokes that are based on recent happenings around the country, which depending how you look at things can always be a source of humor.

It has been such a cold winter in many places this year, including even Florida with record lows, that homeless people were found burning Al Gore in effigy, not because they were mad at him, but just to keep warm.

Lawmakers in New Jersey recently passed a new law okaying medical marijuana for people with severe illnesses such as cancer, AIDS and Lou Gehrig’s disease.  Afterward, outside the capitol building, there were a bunch of potheads wearing Yankee caps saying, “I consider-sider-sider myself-self-self the luckiest man on the face-ace-ace of the earth-rth-rth.”

Harry Reid called Obama a ”light skinned Afro-American with no Negro dialect”, which made him electable in the 2008 election.  Now recently the former governor of Illinois, Blagojevich, was quoted in Esquire magazine as saying “He’s blacker than Obama.”  So, we can now all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that Blagojevich is no longer electable to government office.

John Edward’s wife filed for divorce recently citing irreconcilable differences, plus the fact that he was definitely NOT too big to fail.

The Fair Tax people, which is a group promoting a National Sales tax to replace the IRS have legitimately claimed that if their plan was implemented many new jobs would be created.  Can you imagine how good it could be if they used the Obama administration method of counting new jobs after the stimulus?  There would be more jobs that there are people.

President Obama is getting so unpopular he could disguise himself as a fire hydrant and his dog wouldn’t even appreciate him…. When former President Bush was asked what he thought of the job Obama was doing he was quoted as saying, “nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. nayh, nayh.”…Even the Socialist party in the US is distancing itself from Obama….All the democrats are hoping the 2.0 version of the Obama presidency will be released well before the November elections (and that it is better than the typical Microsoft "improved" versions).

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Some George Burns Quotes

Here are some one-liners from George Burns.  These mostly have to do with old age, but he was funny even before he used the age gag.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

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