Obama and the Magic Beans

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Obama.  He lived on a farm and even though he was just a boy he was in charge of the farm.  No one really knew how he got there or why he was in charge but he was, to be sure.  Some say it was due to the magic of the barnyard that got him there and that young Obama learned his trade by shoveling out the barnyard.  But others felt that he was just a natural at shoveling and that it is how he somehow convinced all the people at the farm to let him be in charge (but that is the story of another fairy tale.)

One day young Obama found these magic beans.  A voice from the sky told him that if he planted these beans it would grow jobs for all the people who lived around the great big farm.  He wasn’t sure how this could work but if the voice told him it was true he knew it must be.

So young Obama knew he had to rely greatly on his shoveling skills to plant these beans.  He would also need the help of the 535 farmhands that worked on the farm to plant these beans.  Fortunately, a prerequisite for being a farmhand was to be extra good at shoveling, in many cases that was their only skill.  Young Obama also thought of another farmhand named Joe and maybe Joe could help.  He ran out to find Joe but when he saw him he was just sitting on a pile of hay with a piece of grass between his teeth and staring off into space.  Young Obama thought Joe was daydreaming about how one day he would be in charge and young Obama knew that Joe was not going to be of much help.  As a side note, young Obama heard a noise on the other side of the stack of hay that sounded like grunting.  He went to check it out but it was just the guy who used to run the farm, Bill, with a young woman from town rolling around together.  Young Obama smiled but he knew he had no time to watch this, he had to get these magic beans planted or he wouldn’t be running the farm for very much longer.

Young Obama went to find old Harry.  He was in charge of the farmhands and he was very good at shoveling and getting others to shovel.  The only problem was that there were farmhands that worked only on the left side of the farm and others that worked only on the right side of the farm and they would always argue with each other.  They never wanted to work together.  This was a problem for young Obama.

Young Obama also called upon another of the main farmhands, a lady named Nancy.  She was excellent at shoveling but it seemed that sometimes she shoveled the holes so deeply that they were too difficult to get out of.  Not only that, young Obama had a hard time looking at Nancy because her face seemed plastic and she never was able to smile except through great effort.  This problem of getting the beans planted was getting more and more difficult and time was becoming a factor.  If these beans didn’t get planted soon young Obama’s friends on the left side of the farm were going to be replaced by new farmhands.  (What young Obama didn’t realize was that it would be just a new set of shovelers shoveling the same old stuff, but he was still mighty concerned.)

Suddenly a bright idea came to young Obama.  It didn’t matter how well the beans would grow into jobs if he hired bean counters who used calculators with a held down seven.  In that way no matter what number was punched into the calculator it would always be multiplied by seven and he would look good no matter what.  Problem solved.

So, somehow young Obama got the farmhands to plant the beans but it was done sloppily and without much forethought and the beans grew a little but they were not healthy, robust beans and they didn’t make many jobs as the voice from the sky had promised.  But young Obama always did have a backup plan in case the magic beans failed him.  He could always blame that big bush that was in the middle of the field, saying that it had poisoned his beans.  And so he did.  And young Obama lived happily ever after (at least for the next 3 years.)

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Some Steve Allen Quotes

Here are some quotes from Steve Allen, who was an extremely quick witted comedian and entertainer as well as the founder and original host of the Tonight Show:

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

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Technology Can be Real Pain

Here is some technology humor that all you addicted texters may identify with.

These days people who text a lot often complain about sore fingers and thumbs.  Talk about karma, it was these same people who 30 years ago caused bullies on the playground to get sore fingers from giving the current texters  so many noogies.

The real reason Tiger Woods had to take off from the golf tour is not to get sex addiction counseling.  He needed time for his fingers to recover from all the texting he was doing to the cocktail waitresses, hookers and porn stars that he was seeing.

Many people with lap tops are complaining of sore necks and backs from straining to see their laptops, very similar to members of the Obama administration straining to see results from anything they’ve done in the last year.

Construction workers are planning to have a pity party for all the people complaining of their injuries from texting.

“Text thumb” and BlackBerry neck” injuries are getting so prominent that some people are considering using their cell phones to actually talk out loud to people.

….and finally, on another note, there has been a recent uproar about debarking of dogs, a procedure in dogs where the vocal cords are cut out so they can’t bark.  People are saying it is inhumane for dogs but many feel for Congress it could be a really productive procedure.

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President's Day Humor

Here is some President's day humor that was sent to me by some readers.  There is one for Lincoln and one for Washington:

A man was sitting at the bar during a costume party when someone went up to him and said, "Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?" The man said, "I am." The other guy said, "You look like Abe Lincoln." The man said, "That's right. My last 4 scores were 7 years ago."

George Washington and the Cherry Tree

There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding new information regarding George Washington's famous line "I can not tell a lie - I chopped down the Cherry Tree" It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the following discussion and copied this on parchment.

"George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that trust, I'm going to believe you."

Seven Months Later...

"George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry tree last winter. Did you?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?"

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Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 02/12/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — 'cushions.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, 'well.' When asked why he was being vague, he was like, 'because.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They're building snow-bamas all over the place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, be glad you're not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don't think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi  had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read." –Jay Leno

"And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn't have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, 'I'm wearing no pants.' I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign." –Jay Leno

"But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He's going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They'll put it on the back burner and hope it melts." –David Letterman

"And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they're wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That's what they were doing." –David Letterman

"President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

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It’s Time for a Lack of Action From Congress

Last weekend the east coast experienced one of the worst blizzards in recorded history, which must have Al Gore scratching his head and saying, “At least that Internet thingee I invented worked out.”

I always like to look for the positive in things and since Washington D. C. was one of the worst areas hit with the blizzard at least it prevented Congress from doing anything stupid for a few days and that is an exceptionally good thing.

Congress, or more broadly politicians in general, don’t have the best reputation.  But to be fair they have helped a lot of people.  For example, there are many stand-up comics who would have nothing to say if it wasn’t for Congress and other politicians.  And think of all the hookers who would be out on the street if it weren’t for politicians (to clarify, the politicians keep them off the streets by having them in their bedrooms.)  And think of all the women who are the mistresses of these guys, what are they supposed to do go out and get a job?  But the line has to be drawn somewhere, Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, outsourced his adultery  to another country and I don’t think that’s right, unemployment is already too high.  There are plenty of women in this country who could have supplied the same services.

I am comforted, though, that some in Congress are championing the efforts to replace the BCS with a legitimate college football playoff. There could be chaos in the streets if we let sports writers vote on which is the best college football team.   And thank god they are up in arms about the use of steroids in professional sports.  Everyone knows that can lead to more dangerous drugs, and if Americans started taking illegal drugs we’d really have a problem then!

And now the House of Congress has voted to raise the debt limit.  I’m sure the Senate will follow suit.  In other words every time you reach the limit of money you have to spend all you have to do is raise the limit.  I wonder if there is a congressperson that can even spell the word “economics”.  Currently, the nation owes $40,000 for every person in the country (I’m not sure if that includes the illegal aliens.)  So I thinking I’d like to receive my in gold!

What can congressmen (I’m laying off the congresswomen for now, but I have lots to say about Nancy Pelosi, et. al., perhaps the subject of another article! ) be thinking when they are working.  Here’s my guess:

Congressman #1:  Hey, did you read any of that last bill we voted for?

Congressman #2:  (laughs) Uh, let me ask you this, were they any pictures of naked women in the bill?

Congressman #1:  Not that I know of, I would have looked at it myself if someone told me there were.

Congressman #2:  Exactly, now don’t waste my time with stupid questions.

Congressman #1:  Sorry, here’s a legitimate question for you.  Did you see the new hottie  at the coffee stand out front?

Congressman #2:  Wow!  Did I ever!  I’ll tell you, I’ve got a stimulus plan for that babe.

So, back to that snow storm I mentioned in the beginning, is there anyway we could keep that going over Washington D.C. until… I don’t know, say about June.  Maybe we could get Al Gore to invent  something  that will make it happen!

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Some Valentine's Day Humor

Here is a collection of some humor for Valentine's day that was sent to me by some readers.

 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Valentine's Day One-liners

• Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
• Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.

Worst thing you can say on a first date

• I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
• I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
• I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
• Wait till my wife hears about this!
• I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

Special Gifts

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day! Simple things like:

*  Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine,
*  Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine!

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Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.

Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway.

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