Observations from the News - 05/11/10

Here are some funny observations (aka jokes) that are based on this week's news:

A spokesman for BP said at a press conference that BP was going to take full responsibility for the oil spill then he added, “Hey, what is the deal with Goldman Sachs, can you believe what they did to the economy?  What’s up with that?”

There are now allegations that Michael Jackson was gay.  I don’t know about that but I heard he was seriously considering becoming a Catholic priest.

A holy man in India is claiming to have gone the last 70 years without food or water.  I think someone needs to tell him that there is white cloth wrapped around his body because he is a mummy and he has been dead for 70 years.  If the kid from “The Sixth Sense" was there he’d be saying, “I see dead people,” to him.

The SEC is investigating the recent unusual trading activity in the stock market in the last few days.  They said they are going to get to the bottom of this.  Luckily, since many of their executives have been accused of looking at porn on the job they are used to investigating many bottoms.

A recent survey showed that people 45 and older were dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Of course, this was mostly men who had recently read about Tiger Woods’ exploits.

Ben Bernake spoke to graduates of the University of South Carolina and told them that money can’t buy happiness.  I think the unspoken message here was that as long as there was a Fed and he was running it you aren’t very likely to have any money.

Elena Kagen, the Solicitor General, was nominated to the Supreme Court by Obama.  I never heard of the Solicitor General post.  What does it do?  It sounds like she just makes sales calls to people about nothing in particular.  If she makes a decision in the Supreme Court is she going to be calling people to get their opinion about how to vote?

…and finally, with all the news about Greece lately, former president Bush was heard asking Laura Bush, “What do you call a person from Greece, a Greaser?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Some Dennis Miller Quotes

Here are some quotes/jokes from comedian, Dennis Miller:

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I lapsed into rude.

I rant, therefore I am.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/07/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel.

"So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America." –Jay Leno

"I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson." –Jay Leno

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?" –Jay Leno

"Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

"The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'" –Jay Leno

"And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot." –Jay Leno

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Advice Columnist, Dear Crabby

Today we have our guest advice columnist back for another visit, the infamous (after her last column), Dear Crabby.

We’ll get right into her candid, yet not always the most helpful, answers to your questions:

Dear Crabby,

I am a woman in my mid twenties and although I don’t consider myself bad looking I am considering plastic surgery, kind of like my idol Heidi Montag has done.  What do you think of that idea?

Not Really Homely

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Not Really Homely,

My first inclination is to ask you if you are a moron but your question has clearly established that you are so there is no need ask that.  In answer to your question, “What do I think of that idea?” I think it is a wonderful idea if you look like Earnest Borgnine and you don’t mind having one breast hang down to your belly button while the other one naturally goes up to your shoulder.  It’s like having a bad hair day turn into a bad breast day, except that it is permanent.  Otherwise, not the best idea.

And while on this subject, let me suggest you get a new set of values, or more clearly, get your first set since you have decided to idolize Heidi Montag.  If you can’t acquire a set of values naturally, try Wal-Mart, they sometimes have sales.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My  new husband plays World of Warcraft all the time and rarely pays attention to me.  He has a birthday coming up and wants me to buy him apps that add to his playing this computer game.  I don’t want to encourage him.  What should I do?

World of Warcraft Widow

Chicago

Dear World of Warcraft Widow,

The only app I would buy for him is a gun and encourage him to shoot himself if he has a bad day playing the game.  Also, don’t forget to make sure he has a lot of life insurance.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend lives with me and he likes to walk around the house naked.  I sometime bring my friends over and this can get very embarrassing.  He just thinks it’s funny.

Sick of Dick (That actually is his name)

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Sick of Dick,

I can certainly understand your dilemma and I would consider kicking him out.  In fact, why don’t you send this naked guy over to my house and I’ll give him a piece of my mind..or something.   Oh get over yourself!  I may be getting old but I am a woman with needs …so, seriously…send him over.

Crabby (and hoping to meet Dick)

Dear Crabby,

I’ve been married just over a year and in that time my husband has changed completely and also gained 100lbs.  I’m not sure what to do.  Help!

Weighed Down

Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Weighed Down,

Well, finally something I can sink my teeth into.  And let’s be clear, I’m talking about the question, not your fat husband’s ass (that’s something I’ll be saving for the naked guy from the last question.)  I see that you are from Iowa and that is the home to a lot of pig farms.  I suggest you tell him to change his ways or you’ll take him to one of those slaughter houses there where I’m sure his fat ass will fetch a pretty penny.  And, again, to be clear, sending this guy over to my place is not an option as I gave the lady from the previous question.  (I’m saving myself for Dick.)

Crabby

(Note from the editor:  That’s all the time we have for questions and I hope that none of the people writing in were offended by Dear Crabby’s answers.  If you thought she was bad you should hear the advice her sister, Miss Ill-Manners, gives out.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Jokes About Liberal Democrats

Here are some jokes about liberal democrats that were sent to me by another.    Actually, most of these are interchangeable for either party.  The unfortunate fact is there is a too much humor material in both parties.

Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                            A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

It Could be Worse, Issue VIII

Every now and then I like to look how things could actually be a lot worse than they appear.  It can be funny and therapeutic at the same time:

It could be worse, Hillary could be the president.  (OMG! I just realized that might not be worse.  Well, that was neither funny or therapeutic…I’ll try harder.)

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods who was quoted as saying after the recent Pro-Am tournament that he played poorly because he couldn’t control where his balls went, and not realize that was the problem you’ve been having for many years now.

It could be worse, again you could be Tiger Woods , who the National Enquirer said he had affair with 121 women, and you want to go public and brag it was way more than that but you’ll have to go back to rehab if you do.

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton, who was told by his daughter to lose weight for her wedding, and wish it was the old days with Monica around and he could lose about 140lbs. by just closing his zipper.

It could be worse, you could be a congressman, who after just sharing trade secrets with the execs from Goldman Sachs, have to keep a straight face when you call them crooks.

It could be worse, you could be John Edwards mistress and be so delusional as to think she had nothing to do with his marriage break up, you think the real reason for their break up was because his wife liked to watch “Dancing with the Stars and he didn’t.”

….and lastly, It could be worse, you could be John Edwards and get turned down to be on “Dancing with the Stars” because he said would be on the show but he only wanted to dance with himself.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Some Johnny Carson Jokes

Here are some jokes from one of my favorites, Johnny Carson:

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via web from darnfunnyonline's posterous