More Funny Christmas Quotes

Here are some funny Christmas quotes from a variety of comedians and others:

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Johnny Carson.

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "

"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing."
Jay Leno.

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
Shirley Temple

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/17/10

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that's just President Obama's approval ratings." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, "You'd better not steal any of our stuff..." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new school nutrition bill went into effect today. President Obama signed the bill and said it shows that we're serious about children's health. And then he went outside and smoked a cigarette." –Craig Ferguson

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to 'Elf: The Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno

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Obama and the Christmas Spirit

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

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Funny Christmas Quotes and Jokes

Here are some funny Christmas quotes and jokes from various comedians through the years:

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. –Jay Leno

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." ~ David Letterman

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." ~ Bernard Manning

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.

"Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." ~ W.C. Fields

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners

"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller

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Funny Observation from Current Events – 12/14/10Here are some funny observations from watching the current events of the week: Prison guards confiscated a cell phone from convicted murderer, Charles Manson. Fortunately, it was an IPhone so none of his

Here are some funny observations from watching the current events of the week:

Prison guards confiscated a cell phone from convicted murderer, Charles Manson.  Fortunately, it was an IPhone so none of his calls were ever completed.

Since it’s been very cold recently some people are asking TSA agents to fondle them just so they can get warmed up.

Democrats are so upset over Obama’s tax compromise with Republicans that many of them are now saying he’s a Muslim.

There are about 824 billion dollars of cash in circulation in the U.S. economy and it’s estimated that about $64 billion of that is counterfeit and that’s not even including any of the money that got printed to pay for the last stimulus package.

One way to spot counterfeit bills is if they have pictures of Ben Bernake or Barack Obama on them.  Also any bills with the cast of Jersey shore on them are no good.

A man in Australia married his dog, a 5 year old Labrador.  I guess we don’t have to ask what position will be their favorite on their honeymoon.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said President Obama hasn’t had a cigarette in nine months.  But since his dealings with Republicans on the tax deal Democrats suspect he may have moved onto harder drugs.

David Hasselhoff’s reality show was cancelled after only 2 episodes.  I guess there was not a whole lot of reality going on when you are drunk 24/7.

A very popular Christmas gift for men in San Francisco this year, and every year, is the 10 Lords-a-leaping.  It’s always requested that they wear the very tight tights.

President Obama was upset about WikiLeaks again because Michelle found out what he was getting her for Christmas.

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Funny Pretend State Mottos

If you are traveling this Christmas season here are some funny state mottos to help you decide if you want to go to those states.

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/10/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno. Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

"Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator." –Jay Leno

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy." –Jay Leno

"Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about." –Jay Leno

"What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent." –Jay Leno

On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, “Yea right, like there are 34 countries.” –Conan O’Brien

New York City taxi drivers are being told to start racially profiling their passengers. They’re supposed to report anyone that looks like them. –Conan O’Brien

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone. –Conan O’Brien

The majority of women say they don’t need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Guys, it’s a trick. –Jay Leno

According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place. –Jay Leno

The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed. –Jay Leno

China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab. –Jay Leno

The census showed that over the last 10 years, the U.S. population grew by roughly 30 million people. When I heard that, I was like, “Por qué?” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries. I think that's called a “dealer.” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That's just wrong. You can't make a big decision like that when you're only 5 years old. –Jimmy Fallon

I read that UPS is now requiring customers to show a photo ID when they ship something. It’s just like the TSA. First, they check your ID, and then they check your package. –Jimmy Fallon

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