Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/18/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, 'Deal!' So he fled." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

"Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he's really hard to evict." –Conan O'Brien

"Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn't understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland." –David Letterman

"The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it's 2011. People still read newspapers?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he's ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, 'OK, 2nd most painful choice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the start of New York's Fashion Week. I just talked with N.Y. Congressman Chris Lee, and the told me shirts are totally out this season. He was married and looking for dates on Craigslist by sending shirtless photos of himself. He listed his marital status as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV." –Jay Leno

It’s the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today, California surrendered. –Jay Leno

Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran. –Jay Leno

History was made at the Westminster dog show when one of the finalists was a dog from China. The dog listed his proudest accomplishment as not being eaten. –Conan O’Brien

Big Bird appeared on Capitol Hill to appeal for more funding for PBS. Apparently, times are so bad for Big Bird that he had to rent his egg to Lady Gaga. - Conan O’Brien

Borders has filed for bankruptcy. Now, creditors can’t collect debts from Borders, but they can duck in any time to use its bathroom. - Conan O’Brien

A pizza parlor has been closed after police found more than $1 million in marijuana there. Police became suspicious when they promised delivery in 30 days or less. - Conan O’Brien

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Another Day Lost at the DMV

Last April I had to go to the DMV to get my driver’s license renewed.  I wrote an article for darnfunnyonline.com at the time, chronically that nightmare.  In January I moved to California and once again I had to go to the DMV, this time in California.  The DMV is never fun but California’s DMV makes Nevada’s look like Paradise.  Besides, no one should have to go to the DMV more than once in less than a year. That should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.

My day started off trying to find a parking space in a lot that is about one quarter of the size it should be.  Luckily, the parking space fairy was on my side that day because I only had to cruise around for about five minutes before I was able to beat another driver to a spot.  He was a good sport about it though because he gave me a hearty wave as he drove away.  Although, I think he must have hurt his hand earlier because his middle finger was sticking out as he waved.  I felt sorry for him and gave a nice wave back.

Next, I had to deal with an unusual (euphemism for psycho) security guard.  I wasn’t sure I was at the right place so I walked over to his side and asked him if I was.  He stared straight ahead and answered in a strange psycho-like monotone voice, “Do you think you’re in the right place?”

I looked around to see if he was talking to someone other than me.  Satisfied there was no one else (he actually could have been talking to an invisible guy now that I think of it) I said, “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”

Then he said curtly, “Ask one of them,” pointing to other customers.

Exasperated I replied, “They don’t work here they are customers like me.”

Then as he slowly turned his head and glared at me (at least he finally looked at me) I knew this was a good time to leave.  After all, he had a gun.  So I slowly backed away until I felt it was safe to run, which I did.

After standing in several more lines I finally got to the point where they took my picture for my driver’s license.  When I got to see the picture I was positive I had been trapped in a time warp and I was now 80 years old.  I don’t know how they do it but I’m pretty sure they have a way of gathering up all of the wrinkles, age spots and other disfiguring marks on a face that have been photos shopped out of pictures and put them into the DMV camera that then go onto the driver’s license pictures.

Next, much to my surprise I had to take a written driver’s test.  They don’t make new people to Nevada do that.  There the driving laws are whatever you can get away with.  Anyway, after answering questions like, “If there is a double yellow line in the middle of the road and orange cones on the side of the road and the traffic light just turned red how much to you have to pay to bribe the cop to not give you a speeding ticket.”  I passed the test.  You are allowed to miss 6 questions and that’s what I did so grading on a curve I had a perfect score.

Finally, I had only one more obstacle before I could finish my day in hell.  I had to get my car a smog test.  Not surprisingly, it costs twice as much for a smog test in California than it does in Nevada.  That’s a concept I’m getting used to quickly.

At last I was done.  I’m guessing this whole ordeal was some weird sort of initiation test to see if they’ll let me stay in California.  I apparently passed because they let me have a license.  Now I just have to find out how much to bribe the cop because I missed that question on the test.

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Funny Quotes from Mae West

Here are some funny quotes from Mae West, (mostly funny, some are just truisms) American actress from 1893-1980, and she was definitely ahead of her time:

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

A hard man is good to find.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

Any time you've got nothing to do and lots of time to do it come on up.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 02/14/11

Here are some funny observations from watching the news and seeing the currents events over the last week:

The TSA pat-down guys want to unionize.  They will be in the same union as the girls who do massages with a happy ending.

Michelle Obama has been on the campaign to reduce childhood obesity now for one year.  The program is called Let’s Move!”  The Secret Service code word for the program is called Humpty Dumpty.

In a small town in Kentucky a dog was elected mayor.  That’s very unusual.  Usually when we think of politicians being an animal it’s more like a jackass or weasel.

An Italian couple was accused of using a stick of butter as a murder weapon.  There are even more discreet methods for murder than that one.  For example, no one even knows how many people Al Gore has killed by boring them to death.

Christina Aguilera’s divorce details are coming out.  Apparently, her husband is still holding a grudge because when she said her wedding vows she accidentally said his name wrong.

President Obama unveiled his new $3.73 trillion spending plan.  It would have even been higher but he took new hair plugs for Joe Biden out of the budget.

Barbie and Ken dolls just spent their 43^rd Valentine’s Day together.  In fact, Ken is getting so old he had to contact the Obama administration to see if they could give him any advice on a stimulus plan.  He said after 43 years together it’s just not that easy to get stimulated anymore.

Valentine’s Day was also National Condom Day.  To me that sounds like a bigger cover-up going on than Nixon had with Watergate, which was also about covering up a Dick.

There was a report this week that Apple is working on a cheaper iPhone.  I’d just like to see them work on an iPhone that can make and receive calls.

Starbucks is jumping into the market for single service coffee machines like the Keurig K-cup brewing system.  For men, it would be a lot more appealing if it was a D-cup.

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Valentine's Day Humor and Fun Stuff

Here is are various jokes and humor for Valentine's Day that was sent to me or I found:

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2.  Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3.  Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light",  or "high fiber" on the label.
5.  Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10.  A gift certificate.
11.  Cash.
12.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Valentine's Day Scorecard for Guys---  How did you rate?

1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/11/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson

"The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it's not called a memoir, it's called a diary." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as 'adorable but also substantial,' while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as 'court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." –Conan O'Brien

"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien

"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno

"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

"The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen." –Jay Leno

"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien

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Discussing Relationships, Blah, Blah

(This is an article that I had written and posted at this exact time last year, just before Valentine's Day.  I thought it would be fun to post again and stir the male/female thing at this time of year.  And I was right, it is fun!!)

If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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