Funny Observations From Current Events – 03/01/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations made over the last week after watching the news and keeping abreast of current events:

Lady Gaga is a big fan of Facebook.  In fact, she buys all of her meat dresses at Farmville.

President Obama says his administration will no longer defend the law that says that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman.  In passing, he also mentioned that he thought requiring birth certificates should be illegal as well.

A man in India reportedly has the world’s largest family, including 39 wives.  The recurring thought I get is “Too much PMS.”

A nun from Spain was kicked out of her convent because she was spending too much time on Facebook.  My guess is the real underlying reason is she was poking too many people on Facebook.

Harry Reid wants to make prostitution illegal in Nevada.  He apparently thinks it’s wrong to pay for sex yet the American public is always giving money to the government and subsequently being screwed by the government.

CBS cancelled Two and a Half Men for the rest of the season after Charlie Sheen went on a tirade.  They are planning to do a documentary on his life and show it in the time slot of his show.  The thinking is his life is so much like the character he plays no one will be able to tell it is not the show.

Charlie Sheen, now with a lot more time on his hands, wants to write his memoirs.  Unfortunately, it will be a very short book because he was too stoned to remember most of his life.

Also, the other day the porn star who was infamously in the hotel room that he trashed a month or so ago says Charlie is the most destructive person she ever met.  There is no joke here, the irony is so strong in a porn star saying someone is the “most destructive person” that no joke is required.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her roommate because she suspected that she ate her box of thin mints.  She’s really going to be upset now because I’m pretty sure they don’t serve thin mints at all in prison.

In Georgia, police shut down a Girl Scout cookie stand because they didn’t have a permit.  After they were done there they went around town looking to arrest anybody eating apple pie.

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Quotes from Famous People - II

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. –Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. –Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. –Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. –Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. –P.J O’Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. –Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. -Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. –Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. –Robert Benchly

Electricity is really just organized lightning. –George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. –Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. –P.J. O’Rourke

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. –Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. –Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. –Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. –Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. –Cathy Guiswite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. –Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. –Naguib Maufouz

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Joke of the Week - 02/25/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

 

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

A British airline is apologizing to Jewish passengers on a flight from Israel where the only food was ham melts and bacon baguettes.The Jewish passengers couldn't eat it because it was pork. The other passengers couldn't eat it because it was British food. –Jay Leno

George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.-Conan O’Brien

A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called "Let's Move."I think Americans have been very clear in their answer, "No." –Jimmy Fallon

A Russian airline is hiring clowns, actors and musicians to entertain passengers during flights. When I'm on a stuffy plane with crying babies, my first thought always is, "There should be clowns here." -Jimmy Fallon

Police arrested three men in Malaysia for stealing over 700,000 condoms. Police described the suspects as "overly optimistic." – Conan O’Brien

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

Presidents Day is being celebrated across the country. Shouldn't we also have a day for Congress? When they can kick back and not worry about getting anything done. Oh wait... –Craig Ferguson

The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a “don’t overthrow me” package. –Jay Leno

Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies. –Jay Leno

Boeing has unveiled the new 787, the longest passenger plane in the world. It seats 500 passengers comfortably — or 2,800 passengers uncomfortably. –Jay Leno

There’s a proposal in San Francisco to ban circumcision. Apparently, the proposal has the support of 100 percent of newborn males. –Jay Leno

A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International. –Conan O’Brien

A Japanese tech company is developing a wristwatch device to help seniors monitor their health. They say it’s a vast improvement from what they used to use: a countdown clock. –Conan O’Brien

Larry King announced that he’ll do a national stand-up comedy tour. It will be called the “Almost Def Comedy Jam.” –Conan O’Brien

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C. –Jimmy Fallon

The budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn’t nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment: a Mel Gibson double feature. –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze." –Conan O'Brien

"They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt." –David Letterman

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

A Lack of Support with Tech Support

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Recently, I had a reason to call tech support about an issue with a new computer component I had bought.  To say they did not provide support would be offering them the supreme compliment.  More accurately, though, they were the exact opposite of support.  If the support they gave me was like a jock strap, after I was done with them my testicles would have been hanging down to my knees.  For a woman if they were a bra, when they were done her breasts would be down at her waist. (You probably got the idea after the jock strap example; I just felt a need to mention breasts.)

I don’t think I’ll be calling any tech support people for a while unless I’m in the mood to destroy something and I feel I need some motivation to get the job done.

When I started out there were four other computers in the house that were working.  With the help of tech support at the end of a frustrating hour and a half phone call we managed to knock out those computers and my own, accidentally ordered 6 pizzas on line and nearly starting a new World War.  Maybe not that but I did want to declare war on that company for letting this guy work there.

I have to take some of the blame too because I should have caught on after the third time that this evil genius went to ask his manager what to do that this guy had a lot more evil to him than genius.  To be fair it may not have been as much evil as stupid.  Next time I’ll be leery when tech support needs to ask their tech support how to do something.

My next clue to hang up immediately without asking anymore questions was when I asked him what do I do with this brown thing and he said, “Oh, you mean the doohickey?”

I did learn something, besides not to call tech support anymore, and that was that tech support personnel do not know how to deal with customers when they have near death experiences.  While I was gasping for air all he could suggest was that I restart.  And he didn’t mean the computer.  He wanted me to restart by calling someone else and leave him alone.  I would have been happy to do that except I didn’t want to call another tech support guy and find out that I was on some kind of tech support candid camera.  I was already afraid I had made the list of most gullible customers that they all joke and laugh about while they sit around watching Star Trek repeats on their break.

When the other computer operators in my house found out what happened you could say I was not a popular person.  The story ended well though when we paid an actual computer expert to fix things up.  Afterward I heard my girlfriend say that she actually learned a lot from seeing how it got fixed.  So I said, “So you could say that what I did was actually a good thing then.”…And I was so close to being out of the doghouse.  Like tech support, I need to learn when to stop talking.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Quotes from Famous People

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That" is available on the web site darnfunnyonline.com for only $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right away!)

Here are some very funny quotes by a variety of famous people, some comedians and some not:

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. -Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. -Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. -Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. -Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." -Claude Peppers

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. -Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. -Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett

Be obscure clearly. -E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. -P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -Jim Carrey

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events – 02/22/11

Here are some funny observations made over the last week from watching the news and current events:

President Obama accidentally dropped an “S-bomb” at a press conference last week.  Joe Biden commented, “That’s a start but he’s got a way to go until he gets into my league.”

Last week it had been reported that O. J. Simpson was badly beaten in prison after he was bragging about his sexual exploits.  Upon hearing about it Bill Clinton and John Edwards immediately got onto the Internet and googled the word “Karma” in hopes of finding a loophole.

Last week Hillary Clinton urged Bahrain to show restraint in dealing with anti-government protesters.  She figured it worked so well telling Bill to show restraint that now she was going to try it with a country.

Charlie Sheen recently offered Lindsay Lohan life advice.  That’s like the Burger King mascot King telling Ronald McDonald to stay away from fast food.

Charlie Sheen also told TMZ that he is willing to work weekends and beyond the wrap date to finish the season of Two and a Half Men.  He does need the money.  After all, drugs, sex and hookers are not free, you know.

A TSA worker was arrested for stealing thousands of dollars from a flier.  I guess that flier won’t be hiding money in his shorts anymore.

In Malaysia, police arrested three men for stealing 750,000 condoms.  Wow!  They must have had some weekend planned!

A congressman proposed legislation that would eliminate funding for Obama’s teleprompter.  That would have been cruel.  It would be like cutting out his tongue.

Finally, in Egypt, a father named his baby girl Facebook.  Luckily for the girl her dad was not also a big fan of Twitter or the girl may have ended up with the name TwitFace.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

More Funny Quotes from Mae West

Here are some are some more funny quotes from Mae West and some have quite a lot of truth as well.  She was an American actress from 1893-1980 and she was definitely ahead of her time:

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

Look your best - who said love is blind?

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.

Personality is the most important thing to an actress's success.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

Sex is emotion in motion.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The score never interested me, only the game.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Too much of a good thing can be taxing.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous