Charlie Sheen meets the IRS

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

We are now into the tax season so it’s hard to not have a little attention on the IRS.  Over the last week it’s also hard to not have had a little bit of attention on Charlie Sheen simply because his rants have been all over the news.  I thought it would be fun to see what it would be like to have these two somewhat crazy subjects meet up so I imagined how it would go if Charlie Sheen would be audited by the IRS.  Here’s what it was like:

IRS agent:  Good afternoon, Mr. Sheen.  Thank you for coming in.  How are you today?

Charlie:  DUH!  WINNING!

IRS agent:  …Okay then.  Well, we have some tax deductions that are a little questionable.  I’d like to go over them with you.  Let’s start with this one.  You have $3.6 million down here for travel expenses.  How can that be?

Charlie:  Are you kidding me?  I’m a freakin’ rock star from Mars.  You think space travel comes cheap?

IRS agent:  Okaaay, we’ll come back to that one.  Next, I see you have a major deduction for pet expenses.  Unless you are an animal breeder that won’t be an allowable deduction.

Charlie:  Again, kiddin’ me?  I have  a cat and if you know anything about me you know I have tiger blood!  It’s like the cat is one of my children.

IRS agent:  …Next, we have an unusual religious donation.  Can you explain that?

Charlie:  Sure can. I drink tiger blood and I gave it up for Lent, therefore it is a religious drink and I can deduct it.

IRS agent: But…that doesn’t even remotely make sense.

Charlie:  I am all about winning.  I don’t follow the rules that a troll like you would follow.  I only care about WINNING, which I’m doing.  (Blows smoke in the agent’s face.)

IRS agent:  (coughs) As far as Lent goes, didn’t I hear you say you are half Jewish?

Charlie:  Hey, I’ll be whatever I need to be to get through this freakin’ audit, man.

IRS agent:  (exasperated) What is this deduction for art about?

Charlie:  I just had a tattoo put on my wrist.  (Shows him the “Winning” tattoo on his wrist.)  If that’s not art I don’t know what is.

IRS agent:  (ready to break into tears) What is this deduction for weapons?

Charlie:  Dude, I’m a Vatican assassin warlock.  It just stands to reason I have to have some kinds of weapons.

IRS agent:  (a tear rolls down his cheek) You can’t deduct the Goddesses.  You’re not married.

Charlie:  How about we call that an entertainment deduction then, because when I watch those two go at it in bed together I sure am entertained… I’m even sensing that you aren’t going to allow my psychiatric deduction for the advice I got from Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, and Pete Rose.

IRS agent:  First of all, those 3 guys sound like the trifecta for trouble and also, did you even pay them for this advice?

Charlie:  Well, no, but I’m a very creative guy and I’m winning so, I thought I’d give it a shot.

IRS agent:  I’m sorry Mr. Sheen.  I’m not going to be able to allow any of these deductions.

Charlie: (angry) Okay, now you’re just being judgmental.  I don’t care about the past.  I’m done with it.  So, I’m not going to be filing my taxes anymore.  They are in the past.

And that’s what happens when crazy meets crazy.  You get a whole lot of crazy.

darnfunnyonline.com

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More Late Night Jokes about Obama

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are more of the some of the best jokes about Obama from the late night comedians over the last year or more:

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 03/08/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations made after watching the news and current events over the last week:

Breast milk ice cream is a hot new fad.  Where men are concerned the flavor won’t be nearly as interesting as the packaging.

Justin Bieber didn’t plan anything big for his 17^th birthday.  He just wanted to relax before he started hi s world tour on March 4^th.  So he didn’t have a big party or anything, only one pony and one clown for this year’s party.

Justin’s party was crashed by paparazzi, at which time Justin gave them the finger.  He later apologized to his fans saying, since it was a small party, he was actually just letting everyone know they were only serving finger food.

The pope has exonerated Jews in the death of Christ.  Wow!   And we thought the justice system in the United States was slow.

In college basketball, at Brigham Young University, one of the star players was kicked off the team for having pre-marital sex.  Ironically, as a result, now the whole team is screwed.

Last week the Post Office delivered a piece of mail that was post marked 1944.  This was the first screw up by a government agency that Obama hasn’t blamed on Bush.

At Northwestern University there was a big controversy about a live sex demonstration in a classroom.  A teacher’s union representing high school teachers came out against this saying, “This is an activity that should only be done one on one between the student and his or her teacher.”

An 83-year-old Wal-Mart greeter was arrested after he stopped working, went to his car and donned a disguise and came back to rob the store.  He had a good excuse though he was going to go the bank, that one step of driving there just slipped his mind.

The mom of one of Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses” is worried about her living with Charlie Sheen.  The girl has been a porn star for several years and now the mother starts to worry.  I guess the mom doesn’t want Charlie to ruin her show business career.

When Obama heard Charlie Sheen’s new mantra “winning,” he didn’t know whether he should put Charlie on the ticket for 2012 or just get Joe Biden to take enough cocaine to make him start saying crazy things like that to get attention.  Then after he thought about it for a second he said…”never mind.”

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Late Night Jokes about Obama

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some of the  best jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians covering the last year or more:

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon

"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel

"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/04/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon:

"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno

"The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien

"They're saying Gadhafi is 'disconnected from reality.' According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic." –Conan O'Brien

"New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as 'doing what you need to do to get the part.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about." –Jay Leno

"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien
"Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell." –Conan O'Brien

"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese." –Conan O'Brien

CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, 'Two and a Half Men.' Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

Charlie Sheen is on every show, except the one he should be on: “Celebrity Rehab.” –Jay Leno

Between Charlie Sheen, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan, it’s been a rough time for stars. Who knew Britney Spears would be the role model? –Jay Leno

The man who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, said he should be released from jail because he can’t remember committing the crime. Then Lindsay Lohan said, “What necklace?” –Jay Leno

Officials in Shanghai, China, have begun enforcing a one-dog policy. Each person can only have one dog. But if you’re still hungry, you can have cake and whatever else. –Jay Leno

Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went. –Conan O’Brien

Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one. –Conan O’Brien

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore. –Conan O’Brien

Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. It combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial. –Jimmy Fallon

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Women are Still the Same

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

As a man I can’t really understand why a woman feels a burning need to buy new clothing just because she is taking a trip.  My girlfriend recently had to go somewhere for a couple of weeks and in the rush of getting ready it was an emergency to get to the mall to buy new clothing.  I asked her why she couldn’t just wear some of the clothing that was in her closet.  I got an eye roll and, “You wouldn’t understand.”  That was definitely a statement I could agree with.

But the fact is (at least the facts as I see them) women have been this way down through the ages.  I can just hear a pioneer woman as she is packing up the wagon to join the wagon train going west:

Woman:  I am not getting onto that wagon until I get to the store and buy a new bonnet.

Man:  What’s wrong with the bonnets you have now?  Don’t you have like a dozen of them?

Woman:  All of my bonnets are so last year!  Have you ever even seen the cover of Pioneer Woman Weekly?

Man:  Well, no not really, I’ve been working in the field and hunting for food and taking care of the animals.

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Next, let’s take the time machine back a little farther to Roman times:

Woman:  Since we are going to visit my mother I’m going to have to go buy some new stolas.  (Author’s note: that is comparable Roman clothing for women to a toga…it’s not that I’m so smart, I googled it.  And you thought I didn’t do research for these articles!)

Man:  But, why?  You have enough stolas to fill a chariot.

Woman:  When we attend an orgy on this trip I’m not going to going to wear a stola that I wore to another orgy.

Man:  But at a Roman orgy we are naked!

Woman:  Duh, you have to wear clothing to get there.  And , by the way, it will need to be designer.  I’m not going to be caught dead wearing something off the rack and risk some other woman throwing the same outfit I had on into the  a pile of clothing at the door.

Man:  Well, I’m not buying a new toga, mine is perfectly good.

Woman:  You men are so lucky, all your togas are the same color and design.

Man:  Whatever!

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Now we’ll go way back to prove my theory, back to prehistoric times:

Woman:  If we are having dinner at the Flintsones’s tonight I’m going to need a new outfit.

Man:  Didn’t I just skin a tiger for you the other day?

Woman:  Yes and I heard Fred killed a tiger from that same herd.  I’m not going to be wearing the same skins Wilma has on.  (Author’s note again: I know a group of tigers is not called a herd but my research budget for this article has already been reached.  Get over it!)

Man:  Oh, man!

Woman:  And, Grrgg, I want a Sabertooth skin!

Man:  Okay, fine!  Women!

Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

So, there you have it, undeniable proof that woman have been obsessed with clothing down through the ages.  And I’ll bet you if we took a look into the future you would see a woman in a space ship buying new clothing every time she and her husband were going to take off for a new planet.  Yup! I just looked, it’s true!

darnfunnyonline.com

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Funny Quotes from Famous People - III

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

 

Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. –Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. –George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. –Marilyn vos Sant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? –Phylliss Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. –Emo Phillips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. –Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. –Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. –Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. –Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. –Warren Buffet

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. –David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. –W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. –Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. –Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. –Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. –Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. –Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. –Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. –Mitch Hedberg

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