Here are some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers", which is why he was such a popular character on the show: "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." darnfunnyonlijne.com
Monday, April 11, 2011
Norm Peterson Quotes from Cheers
Friday, April 8, 2011
Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/08/11
Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:
"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? "Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really." –Jay Leno
"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Khadafy’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno
"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno
"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson
"Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien
"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno
"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O’Brien
"Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because 'SpongeBob' was on." –Conan O'Brien
"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien
"Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout." –Jimmy Kimmel
"People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon
It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before. –Jay Leno
Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing. –Jay Leno
The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working. –Jay Leno
President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. His new slogan is “Change you can believe in — this time, I promise.” –Jay Leno
It turns out the White House might have to lay off staff members if the government shuts down on Friday. It’s really bad news for non-essential workers — you know, interns, pages, Biden . . –Jimmy Fallon
Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of “Jersey Shore,” but the U.S. government is still up in the air. –Conan O’Brien
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Letters Between Adam and God
Dear God,
It’s me, Adam. I, being a man and your ultimate creation, don’t really like to complain, but I feel a need to voice my opinion. It seems like you made Eve with a few too many flaws. Of course I love her, but there are times when she can be just a little too grumpy. It seems to occur at regular intervals every month. It seems like a basic flaw in the design. I’m pretty mechanically inclined, being a man, so if you’d like some help on fixing that I’d like to offer my services.
The next thing is, again, not complaining because you know I never do, but it seems like Eve tends to nag a little too much. After a long day of work in the Garden of Eden I like to come home and relax. The problem is as soon as Eve sees me sitting on my reclining chair with my feet propped up she thinks I should be doing something around the house like painting or fixing something. Maybe, in the new design you could have the women do those kinds of chores. I think the men of future generations will thank me for making that request.
Next up, and you know I’m not a complainer, but, Eve seems to whine an awful lot. If she’s not happy, nobody is going to be happy. If she doesn’t like some situation she just tends to complain and go on and on about it no matter what. I can give her an infinite amount of solutions but she’ll just tell me how they would never work, without her ever trying them. It can get very frustrating.
Lastly, as we know our language has not developed very far yet, since we don’t have a word to describe this next thing, I’m going to have to coin a new word to describe it. It seem like what she frequently does should be called “bitching.” Yeah, I don’t know why but that just feels like an accurate description of the way she tends to act. I guess the bitching, boy I really like that word, could be summed up to include all the things I already mentioned.
Well, God, I want to thank you very much for listening. You know I’m not complaining here, because then I’d be doing exactly what I accused Eve of doing. As we know I’m not a bitch. There is a word that Eve has come up with to call me, which is “Asshole” and I have to say I’m not really fond of that name. I’m pretty sure she’s not using it a complimentary way. Then again you didn’t make her perfect like you made me so maybe she does intend it as a compliment, who knows? I can’t really figure women out.
I know you told me before you accidentally dropped the mold that you made me from and it broke it so you were unable to make Eve as perfect as I am. But, then again, since you did make me so perfect maybe I could help you fix up the pattern for Eve. It’s an idea anyway.
Well, thanks for listening God, we’ll be in touch. Hopefully you’ll consider my offer before you make too many more models of these women. If there were a lot of women and they were doing this bitching thing it may be tough for future men to bear. Just in case you turn down my offer, though, I’ve been thinking of an invention that will help men in the future cope with the bitching. It would be a thing called a “bar.”
Sincerely,
Adam
Dear Adam,
I think you should know, I’m actually a woman.
Sincerely,
God
Dear God,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam
(Side note from God: “I’m neither a man or a woman but it sure was fun to yank Adam’s chain. I think I'll call that 'humor'”)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Funny Quotes from Famous People - VII
Here are some very funny quotes from people who are mostly very famous:
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. –Mitch Hedberg
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. -Spike Milligan
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. -Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. –Ellen Degeneres
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. –Angie Dickerson
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. –Mike Meyers
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? –Margaret Smith
Never fight an inanimate object. –P.J. O’Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.-Joan Rivers
Never have more children than you have car windows. –Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. –Robert Orben
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. - H.L. Menchen
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. –Saint Augustine
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. –Robert Orben
One man's folly is another man's wife. –Helen Rowland
One picture is worth 1,000 denials. –Ronald Reagan
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. –Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. –Lewis Mumford
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. –Samuel Butler
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. –Chevy Chase
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Funny Observations from Current Events – 04/05/11
Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye out for the current events this week:
It looks more and more like Obama’s only workable exit strategy for Libya, even if unintentional, will be when he loses the 2012 election.
Lady Gaga is going to be writing a fashion column, the meat industry couldn’t be more excited.
I saw an article about using human waste to fuel your car. Talk about efficient, now when you have to pull over to the side of the road to relieve yourself you can also fill up the tank at the same time.
Last week Moammar Kahdafi had a bad week, first he lost his Foreign Minister when he defected and now the plastic surgeon who gave him facial plastic surgery went out of business because it ruined his reputation.
In an interview with ABC President Obama said he prays every night before he goes to bed…and apparently that’s all he’s been doing to handle the country.
A cobra from the Bronx zoo had escaped last week but they found him and returned him very quickly. If only they could get the snakes out of the government that fast and return them to the zoo where they belong we’d all be so much better for it.
Facebook has gotten a lot of credit for helping to create new relationships. Now it’s also getting blamed for breaking up relationships as divorce lawyers are going to court with Facebook evidence of inappropriate flirting, cheating and who know what kind of unseemly acts with Farmville animals.
Nike is planning a new Cheech and Chong sneaker. In these even if you are too fat to jump high you can get high without ever leaving the ground.
McDonald’s is planning to hire 50,000 new workers in one day. Something smells bad about this deal and it’s not just the McDonald’s food after it’s been digested. This is going to make the Obama administration look very good even while most of the jobs are going to be temporary. I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t going to be some big “McFavors” from the Obama administration sliding under those tiny little table in their restaurants.
Monday, April 4, 2011
More of the Best Democrat Jokes from Late Night
Here are more of the best jokes about Democrats over the last year or so from the late night comedians:
''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.'' —Conan O'Brien
''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers
''I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change.'' —Jimmy Kimmel
''There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.'' —Craig Ferguson
''Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.'' —Conan O'Brien
''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?''' —Conan O'Bien
''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.'' —Jay Leno
''It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.'' —Jon Stewart
''President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.'' —Jimmy Fallon
Friday, April 1, 2011
Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/01/11
Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians over the last week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien,David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:
Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally. –Jay Leno
A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime. –Jay Leno
President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, “Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.” –Conan O’Brien
Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news. –Conan O’Brien
English farmers are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. Farmers also say they won’t fall for the old “pull my hoof” trick. –Conan O’Brien
In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, “Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.” –Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date. –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon
"The latest episode of 'Dancing With the Stars' was preceded by Obama's new show, 'Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot." –Jimmy Fallon
"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson
"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien
"We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked." –Jay Leno
"President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative." –Jay Leno
"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him." –Jimmy Fallon
"A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon
"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno
"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno
"Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno
"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno
"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman
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