Funny Observations from Current Events -05/31/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on currents events over the last week:

It turns out that President Obama has Irish ancestry.  Donald Trump wants to see their birth certificates.

Obama was a little miffed because the security name that Scotland Yard had for him in England roughly translated to smart aleck.  But really that’s a compliment compared to a lot of the names he’s called in his own country.  (If there’s any doubt, I’m talking about the US not Kenya.)

Presidential candidate, Tim Pawlenty, said his campaign will tell the American people the truth, so already we know he’s lying to us.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine Donald Trump discusses his best orgasm ever.  Knowing how self absorbed The Donald can be I'm going to guess there was no other person involved with that orgasm.

A man was arrested last week for masturbating on a United Airlines flight.  When he left the plane they charged him a “getting off fee” and it wasn’t because he was leaving.

Speaking of airlines, Southwest Airlines has implemented a new fee.  They’ll charge $15 for curing constipation every time they scare it out of you on one of their planes.

Campbell’s announced sales of its soups have dropped due to rising food costs.  So, to combat that they are going to eliminate any of the real food they still do use in their soups.

The Pope’s advisor on pedophilia cases, an Italian priest, has been arrested and charged with pedophilia.  He told police he was just doing research so he could be a better advisor.

A burglar in Delaware was found sleeping on his victim’s couch after drinking too many beers during the robbery.  The 63 year old woman homeowner came home and he ran out when she said she was going to call to call the police.  He was later apprehended while he was walking in the neighborhood drinking a beer.  He would compare to great thieves as “pull my finger’ would compare to high brow humor.

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Really Funny Political Quotes from the Simpsons

Here are some really funny political quotes from the "Simpsons" TV show that have occurred over the years:

In the Simpsons episode ''The Day the Earth Was Stupid,'' a spoof of ''The War of the Worlds,'' two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation of Springfield and the rest of the planet:

''The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,'' one alien says. ''You said we'd be greeted as liberators!''

''Don't worry, we still have the people's hearts and minds,'' the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain.

''An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?''

—Barney Gumbel

''Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?''

—Homer Simpson

''I will not buy a presidential pardon.

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

''The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with 'hail Satan.'''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ''Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?''

Mr. Burns: ''Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?''

Krusty: ''Russian hooker, you tell me.''

Burns: ''We'll say you were on a fact finding mission.''

''I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag. This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the ''subliminal message'' claim during the campaign, in which the word ''RAT'' briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned

Todd Flanders: ''Daddy, what do taxes pay for?''

Ned Flanders: ''Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em!''

Bart Simpson: ''Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?''

Grampa Simpson: ''I figured because the democrats were in power again.''

''Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!''

—Lisa Simpson

''I will not scare the vice president.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney's heart condition

''No one cares what the definition of 'is' is.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Bill Clinton's famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Grampa: ''Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.''

''The president did it is not an excuse.''

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

''Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way.''

—Homer Simpson

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Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 05/27/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

"The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver." –Jimmy Fallon

"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman

"In college, Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno

"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno

"President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed." –Jay Leno

"Obama was also in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders." –Jay Leno

"According to Osama bin Laden's journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don't have much of a plan for the show." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien
"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It's terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored." –Craig Ferguson

"I tell you what; Hawaiian, Kenya, Irish – this guy truly is the Epcot Center of presidents." –Jimmy Kimmel, on President Obama visiting Ireland and meeting some of his Irish relatives

“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening

"President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he's sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That's when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama's like, 'Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon

"Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, 'Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive." –Jay Leno

President Obama told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States. –Jay Leno

I like to think Oprah will be like Batman, and that we can shine a spotlight into the sky and she’ll reappear when we need her most — like when we can’t figure out what to read. –Craig Ferguson

One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called “The Undefeated.” That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called “The Faithful.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he’s going to do something. –Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, seven candidates — and about 35 ex-wives. –Jimmy Fallon

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Man Clean vs. Woman Clean

When men clean something, unless it is a car, they have a completely different standard of clean than women have, and by different I mean lower.  Not that we consider the object or room to be unclean, but if a women were to inspect our cleaning job after we do it to our “man clean” standard her first response will be to shake her head, then she’ll try to shame us into redoing the job and ultimately she will bypass us altogether and clean it herself and point out the difference afterward (which we won’t be able to see).

“Woman clean” seems so unnecessary to a man.  When a man cleans up in the house his viewpoint is to get off the worse dirt and the female of the house can get the rest.  We figure we did the hard work and you can take over from there.  We just never put it to the woman like that for self-preservation reasons.  It’s not unlike when we open a jar for the woman, we feel like we cooked the meal but she gets to take the credit.  Being such benevolent guys we can live with that.

“Woman clean” compared to “man clean” could be compared to the high-pitched sounds that only a dog can hear.  Men just don’t see what the women see.

This is a little known fact, but, men used to be in charge of the cleaning back in the caveman days.  They would get the cave spick and span by their standard and then when the woman would get home from having a Sabertooth tiger burger with a swamp grass salad on the side with her girlfriends at the local cave diner she would throw a hissy fit about the cleaning job that he did.  It got to the point that he had to carry a club around just to protect himself.  Finally, the cave woman got so sick of the lousy cleaning job that the man did that she took over the cleaning hat, and that’s where we have it today.  We men keep trying every now and then but we just can’t seem to get our cleaning up to the woman’s standard.  And darn it, we are really upset about that (to the guys only: wink, wink.)

This week we will get a guest rebuttal to what I have to say by my girlfriend, Su.  (Please, don’t confuse her with our occasional guest columnist, Dear Crabby, who some might think she is the real life version of.  Just to be clear, I would never think that, nor do I know anybody who would, just sayin’.)

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Man clean. Oxymoron. For decades, I’ve lived by the adage “A clean machine is a happy machine.” You’d think that guys, who are into machines, would instinctively understand this. Maybe it’s because they stopped cleaning back in the caveman days, before machines.

Recently, our vacuum cleaner wasn’t working. I asked Steve to check it out. He looked at it. He said, “I don’t see anything wrong.”

I answered, “Was the roller clean? Was the belt on track?” You’d of thought I was speaking Greek. Or Cave.

Sigh.

There are things that men are good at, though—taking out the trash, for instance. Steve is so good at this, in fact, that sometimes he puts the cans on the street days before pickup. Hmmmm, I just had a thought…. Maybe he did that so I wouldn’t see that he forgot to put it out the week before….

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(Seriously, guys, she is NOT Dear Crabby.)

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Jeff Foxworthy One-Liners

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from Jeff Foxworthy, the "Redneck comedian":

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

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Funny Observations from Current Events-05/24/11

Here are some funny observations made after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

The big sigh of resignation that you may have heard last week was done collectively by all the late night comedians when Donald Trump announced that he would not run for president.

Donald Trump decided not to run for president because he was afraid he’d have to prove his hair was real.

Miss Wisconsin was charged with three counts of identity theft so she gave back her crown.  One of the incidents of identity theft occurred during the Miss Wisconsin Beauty Contest when during the talent competition she showed a video of Kirstie Alley in Dancing With the Stars and passed it off as herself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unfavorable rating has recently gone up to 68%.  But it really depends on who you survey because among Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Al Gore they couldn’t give him a better rating.

In fact, those three same guys were all calling Arnold and asking for the employment agency where he got his maid.

It’s actually a little surprising that Maria Shriver would be so upset with Arnold that she would split up with him, after all, she is a Kennedy.

In Texas, a 100 year old woman graduated from high school.  I guess she was held back a few times.

America has reached its debt limit of $14.3 trillion. Now Obama is getting daily calls from a collection Agency in China asking for a minimum payment to keep the account alive.

I saw a headline that said sperm whales speak in accents.  I didn’t even know they spoke languages at all.   But, being a “sperm “whale I’m guessing the language is the “language of love” and that would make the accent like a French guy, I guess.

Dick Cheney wrote his memoir entitled “In my Time.” Some chapter titles that they wanted to make rhyme with the book title were, “Waterboarding, It’s My Line,” and “Shoot’em in the Face, It’s Just Fine.”  And there was one suggested by George W. Bush, that they didn’t use and it didn’t rhyme with the others, but it did rhyme with itself was “Uncle Dick Sure is a Prick.”

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Funny Joe Biden Quotes

Here are some funny Joe Biden quotes, not that he meant them to be funny, he is not able to help himself:

"[David] Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter -- but I told him I'm much better when I wing it. I know these evenings run long, so I'm going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can't be here tonight -- because he's busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it's about him." --Joe Biden, at the 2009 Gridiron dinner

"Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs." --Joe Biden

"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!" --Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

"If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It's a pretty hard experience. He'll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at." --Joe Biden

"There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11." --Joe Biden, on Rudy Giuliani

"I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says too." --Joe Biden

"Yes." --Joe Biden, giving a one-word answer during a Democratic debate to NBC Anchor Brian Wiliams, who cited criticism of Biden's "uncontrolled verbosity" and tendency to be a “gaffe machine” in asking whether he would "have the discipline you would need on the world stage"

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." --Joe Biden on Barack Obama

"I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS. There's no shame in being tested for AIDS. It's an important thing."

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." --Joe Biden

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