The Fountain of Youth, Sort Of

I think I may have discovered the secret to maintaining ones youth.  I discovered it inadvertently, as many great discoveries are made.  There are still some bugs to be worked out but there is definite potential here.  By stating it here in a copyrighted article I think I am safe from having the idea stolen out from under me.  So here is what happened…I was looking into the mirror in the bathroom the other night before I went to bed and my face was virtually wrinkle-free.  I couldn’t believe how youthful I looked.  It was like I had gotten fifteen years younger.  I looked at my watch to see what time it was but I couldn’t really see because the room was dimly lit.  I don’t know exactly why I looked so good but something happened.

I woke up the next morning very cheerful.  I went into the bathroom to have a gander at my new look and was very disappointed to find that the wrinkles had returned in full force.  And with the sun shining into the window it may have even been worse.

I pondered for a while what could have gone wrong.  I looked so damn good last night.  Then it hit me.  Sleep must be the thing that caused me to revert back to my “old” face.  My first inclination was to take up the night life.  Unfortunately, I was never much of a party animal.  Maybe I could turn into a vampire.  Then I realized I was getting a little too involved with watching True Blood, so I canceled that idea.

Then the next night I thought I’d check out my face in the mirror again.  Same result, no wrinkles.  Then I thought I’d get onto the scale to see if I was losing weight at night too but the light was insufficient to read the scale.  I couldn’t figure it out but I sure looked good at night time.

All brilliant scientists go through trial and error.  I was determined to figure out my nighttime youthful origins.

The next morning, I have to admit I had a little less enthusiasm as I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  True to the previous day my wrinkles had returned.  What was it that made such a difference at night time?  I sure didn’t know, but, I did know if I could figure it out I would be rich.  We all know how vain women can be when it comes to looking younger, unlike us men.  Oh sure.  I know what you women are saying now, “You seem awfully concerned about it yourself.”  It’s strictly for financial gains though.  I’m not vain at all!

(Mental note to self:  Once I discover this secret, that is so far eluding me, make sure to rub it into my male friends who still look old.  I WILL BE THE ENVY OF THEM ALL!)

Like I was saying I’m not at all concerned with my looks.  Anyway, I can’t wait until tonight because I feel like I’m really getting close to the secret.  I think tonight will be the big break through!

Okay, here I go, into the bathroom… YES! My night time youthful glow is back.  Hmm, time for a little more research.  Let me get another mirror and look from another angle.  I can’t find the hand mirror.  Oh, no wonder, it’s dark in here since the one light bulb is burned out.  Okay, I’ll change that.  Much better.  Let me look at my wrinkle-free face again...AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...Oh Crap! I wonder how long that light bulb was burned out…Never mind.  (Who cares about a few stupid wrinkles, anyway.  Boy, women sure are vain!)

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Funny Archie Bunker Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from a fictional, yet classic TV character, Archie Bunker:

The atheist religion don't believe in the bible.

I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. Like he's, waddya call, inflammable.

If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.

The hookeries and massageries...the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.

That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.

The sexual act was never constipated.

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over."

All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.

When a boy's coming into poobertyhood.

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation.

What you're lookin' at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.

Most of 'em have more hismones that hermones.

U.S. history....that's part of your whole American heresy.

You don't hear me gettin' historical (hysterical).

President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.

I'm readin' in the paper where the CIA is dopin' people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady's cottage cheese.

That's what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped 'em out of Manhattan.

Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars?

It's a well known histororical fact: they gave 'em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.

A man's bar is his castle.

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs.

One man's goose is another man's dander.

Just 'cause "there's snow in the basement don't mean there ain't no fire in the roof!"

I got bigger fish to fly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country...oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!

Don't talk like an ignarosis.

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

New York champagne...that's a phony label. They don't grow raisins in New York.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 06/28/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

1)      NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the US Open.  Ironically, their execs continue to pray daily for better ratings.

2)      Al-Qaeda is running out of money so they had to cut down on their reward in the afterlife from 72 virgins to 3 old whores and 1 transvestite virgin.

3)      At Wimbledon, the CEO of the tennis club was complaining about players grunting as they hit the ball, especially the women.  Leave it to the conservative English to complain about a woman grunting.  For American men, the louder they grunt the more we like it…Oh wait, are we still talking about tennis?

4)      Obama has announced that the troops in Afghanistan will be coming home by September 2012.  OMG, what a coincidence, that comes right before the election!  (This would be much more in the rant category than the joke category, but it had to be said.)

5)      Republicans walked out on the Joe Biden-led budget talks where Democrats demanded a tax hike.  No one knows if they walked out because they just disagreed or if it was because Joe Biden was talking.  It didn’t matter, Biden kept talking anyway.

6)      Bristol Palin’s memoir is out.  Levi Johnston has said, “I wouldn’t read it even if I could.”

7)      Prince Harry is saying that he is 100% single.  That’s the same thing Anthony Weiner was saying when he would sext his photos.  But he was pretending it was his penis talking, kind of bragging, like to say there was only one of them in there.

8)      Florence Henderson, aka Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch, says she got crabs after a one-night-stand with former NYC mayor, John Lindsay, a career politician.  Ah yes, it makes you yearn for the good old days.  Back then she got screwed by a politician and all she got was crabs.  Nowadays, everyone gets screwed by politicians, and it’s not even consensual sex, and we end up with something like Obamacare.

9)      Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers wants to change his name to World Peace.  I can just see it next year with the Lakers in the playoffs and the ref calls a technical for an excessive foul by World Peace.

10)    Last week President Obama and Justin Beiber were in NYC at the same time.  Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign and Beiber was there launching a new fragrance.  Some people were saying there was a foul stench from both of their activities.

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Recent Letterman Top Ten Lists

Here are some top ten lists from the Letterman shows of last week:

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' (presented by Keith Olbermann)"

10. You'll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah's gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It's the only show on television that's not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I'm sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 06/24/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: ‘Now hiring!’ Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.” –Jay Leno

“The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt’s new leader, President Betty White.” –Conan O’Brien

“You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son ‘Tripp’ because ‘camping’ seemed like a dumb name.” –Conan O’Brien

“To no one’s surprise, on the ‘Today Show’ this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He’s just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, ‘The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there’s an 80/50 chance she’ll run for president.” –Conan O’Brien

“NBC has apologized for editing out the words ‘under God’ from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with ‘Hail Satan.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin’s new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It’s in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O’Brien.’” –Conan O’Brien

“After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.” –Jay Leno

“A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite game on Father’s Day? Old Maid.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we’ll pay off that deficit in no time.” –Jimmy Fallon

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to Obama and as soon as the president holds the baby in his arms it stops crying? Do you know how rare that is these days that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his? –Jay Leno

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers. –Jay Leno

It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion. –Jay Leno

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time. –Jay Leno

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back. –Conan O’Brien

Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards. –David Letterman

Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old today. You can tell she’s getting up there — her new song is called “Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

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My Manhood is Still Intact, I Think

Recently, while loading the dishwasher, I was told I was being anal.  This would not have been so bad except that this was by someone who would be considered the Queen of Anal by many (and by many, I mean particularly me.)  This is like someone being told by President Obama that they are a bad economist.  Anyway, my first reaction upon hearing this was that I should check my shorts and make sure my entire male package was still intact.  Thankfully it was.

Still, it made me take pause.  Was I becoming a woman?  Then I realized, “Uh oh, chick flicks are generally my favorite type of movie.”  I rationalized, but who could resist a line like, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.” (I’m not sure why she had to repeat it.  Maybe Tom Cruise was supposed to be hard of hearing in that movie.)

Wait a minute! I am becoming a woman, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hold on, hold on. (Oh, I repeat myself too, so, okay Renee Zellweger, you get a pass on that one.)  Oh no, this is getting worse by the minute, I’m talking like a woman too.  I’ve got to stop having this conversation …with myself.  (Do women do that?)

Okay, here’s a positive thought, A Few Good Men was one of my favorite movies of all time.  Yeah, that makes me feel better.  A real ass kicker there.  But, oh crap!  Even that was more of a cerebral movie, no bombs going off or bodies blowing up.  Oh sure, there were a couple of unintentional murders which was the premise for the whole movie, but no real guy stuff, like gratuitous violence.  I’m going to admit something here that, as a man, I am not proud of, but I don’t even like gratuitous violence in movies very much.  (Oh God, I hope I’m still capable of having sex!)

Here we go, here’s something in my favor.  Gratuitous sex, which is often in the chick flicks, which I enjoy, is something I like very much.  Yeah, baby!  I’m starting to feel better about my manhood already.  And gratuitous nudity…bring it on!  Yes!!

While I’ll admit, I don’t need the gratuitous sex and nudity, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it.  (I couldn’t just stop when I was feeling better about myself, could I?)

I got it now, for me to enjoy a chick flick it has to be a rom com.  So you see, it’s the comedy that I like.  I don’t go for movies like Eat, Pray, Love, Make Me Throw Up.  That’s a relief.  I am pretty macho after all.

Here is a little aside (to get me off of this subject since I was getting ahead, finally.)  There is a new movie coming out with Cameron Diaz, called Bad Teacher.  I don’t think it’s a rom com, or necessarily even a chick flick, but the ad I saw made me regret my childhood because I never had a teacher that looked remotely like Cameron Diaz.  The teacher I most remember was my fifth grade teacher whose boobs were so big she carried her lunch tray on top of them, but not in an attractive way because the rest of her was equally as big. And she reveled in leading the class in singing a stirring rendition of Carry Me Back to Old Virginy…Ah memories!

So there you have it.  I'm going to end off on this subject of my manhood while I’m still ahead, sort of.  Anyway, I‘ve got to get back to loading the dishwasher!

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 06/22/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Since Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress he’s looking for new career opportunities so he’s thinking of becoming a priest.

Mel Gibson is dating again so it looks like we have a potential comedy replacement as Weinergate gets old.

A man in Oregon, who quit college in 1932, finally went back and got his degree.  I hope he wasn’t just trying to “find himself” before he completed because all he’ll find now is some old guy.

Another case of a person going back to college was a mom who earned her degree 23 years after having a memory loss from a car accident.  Apparently, she forgot how worthless college really is these days and she went back for her degree anyway.

Spam, these days, is thought to be when you spew out a lot of unsolicited e-mails.  Now Burger King is selling spam burgers, but this is the old kind of spam with meat in a can.  It will produce some of the same type of effects as spam e-mail.  After you eat one there will definitely be something spewed out, it just won’t be e-mails.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio.  This goes to show how many preservatives there really are in food these days.

The wedding of Hugh Hefner, 85 years old, to his 25 year old fiancé is off.  When asked for a reaction Hef responded, “What wedding?”

President Obama is contending that the U.S. air attacks against Libya do not constitute hostilities.  This is very similar, if on a different scale, to former President Clinton contending that oral sex does not constitute sex.

Last Week President Obama met with Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geither, in the Oval Office to see what believable lies they could come up with to tell us about the economy.  They came up with numerous lies, none of them believable.

Researchers have found that watching too much TV increases your risk of premature death.  It’s even worse if you text your friend about what happened in your favorite episode while you’re driving.

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