Some More Steven Wright Jokes

I posted jokes from Steven Wright before but these are different ones, he has so many to choose from:

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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Some Funny Observations from Current Events

Current events spurred these funny observations:

Nancy Pelosi recently celebrated her 70^th birthday…how fast they grow up, it seems like just yesterday she was getting her first Botox injection.

Tiger Woods is getting back into the swing of things and returning to golf to play at the Masters tournament – is anybody else thinking he is coming back for the “Masters” as an inside joke, since he liked it rough and he was often being the “master”.

Obama was quoted saying, “Healthcare will define his presidency.” And if the definition of healthcare is socialism he is correct.

Fidel Castro gave a rousing endorsement to Obamacare being passed, just the endorsement Obama needed from a bleeding heart communist (see the line above this one.)

Joe Biden was heard on the microphone last week whispering to Obama, “This is a big f-----g deal.”  A White house spokesman excused Biden saying he has a condition called “Lack of judgment disorder”, but the good thing is, even though it was pre-existing he will be covered by healthcare and he’ll be heavily drugged.

John Edwards has turned to religion according to rumors.  He heard about the widening sex scandals in the Catholic Church and now he wants to become a priest.

..And finally, abstinence program funding is part of the healthcare program.  Ironically, this was written by congressmen who traditionally have as much ability to abstain as rabbits in heat.

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Quotes From Comedian Fred Allen

Here are some jokes from Fred Allen, a comedian from the George Burns, Jack Benny era of comedy:

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/26/10

Here are some of the very best jokes from the late night comedians for this week:

"Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two." –David Letterman

"You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers." –David Letterman

"Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.''' –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him." –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'" –Jay Leno

"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." –Jay Leno

"And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'" –Jay Leno

"How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan." –David Letterman

"Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?" –Jay Leno

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday." –David Letterman

"And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow." –Jay Leno

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Congress, It’s like the Smell Coming From the Garbage Can

The Democrats in Congress and Obama are so intent on being right about health care that they got it passed even if it means many of them not being re-elected because of it.  So, finally, at least some good might come of this.

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

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Jokes from Various Comedians

Here are some jokes from some several different comedians who may not be as well known as some others but the jokes are funny.  (A side note, in the early 90's I wrote some jokes for the first comedian listed here, Joey Adams.  He was often an opening act at Ceasar's Palace, in Las Vegas.)

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
Joey Adams

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'
Joey Adams

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Jasper Carrott

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
Frank Carson

I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material.
Kate Clinton

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"
Ray Combs

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly

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Jokes from the News – 03/23/10

Here are some jokes based on this last week's news:

There was a lady who weighs 600lbs. and she wants to gain another 400 lbs so that she can be the fattest woman ever.  In related news, Congress wants to pass one more stupid bill so they can be called the most stupid Congress ever.

Joe Biden is happy that Nancy Pelosi said we’ll have to pass the health care bill to find out what’s in it.  He said, “Finally, I’m not the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on.”

In other healthcare news, Donald Trump called Obama and asked if fixing his hair would be covered in the new healthcare.

Obama told him, “I have no idea, no one really knows what’s in the bill, we’ll find out soon.”

After the healthcare bill passed Nancy Pelosi's face muscles went into spasm because they had never experienced a natural smile before.

In a recent Gallup poll 80% of the people said they disapprove of what Congress is doing, the other 20% just abstained from voting because they were mistresses and illegitimate children of congressmen.

Obama is claiming a victory because 80% had to be a non-partisan majority, just like he claimed he’d get when he ran for President.

And finally, it looks like Sandra Bullock and Jessie James marriage is on the rocks.  He was cheating on her with a tattoo artist.  Apparently he could read what his girlfriend was writing on his body but he was unable to read the writing on the wall.

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Some Jokes From Comedian Joe E. Lewis

Here are some jokes from a comedian from a few generations ago, Joe E. Lewis:

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.  

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.  

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.  

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/19/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"Continental Airlines has begun charging customers for seats with extra leg room. It's just an illusion. After your wallet becomes thinner, you can sit further back in the seat." –Jay Leno

"Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's healthcare bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the Saint Patrick's Day Parade." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for healthcare reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on 'The Marriage Ref.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Toyota is starting to fight back. Today, they cast doubt on the story of that guy — remember the guy last week that said his Prius accelerated out of control on the freeway? They said they found significant inconsistencies in his story. And let me tell you something, that's embarrassing when a car dealer calls you a liar." –Jay Leno

"And I'm sure you remembered to turn your clock ahead an hour, unless, of course, you're a Democrat working on health care. Then you might want to turn it back a year and start all over again." –Jay Leno

"In an interview in GQ magazine, John Edwards's mistress said she slept with him on the first day they met, but she wasn't his mistress, she was just playing the role. And, apparently, the audition went so well, she got the job!" –Jay Leno

"Rielle Hunter told GQ that she will love John Edwards until death do us part, to which Elizabeth Edwards said, 'You know, I can arrange that.'" –Jay Leno

"She also said in the interview she did not consider the money she got every month from the Edwards campaign as hush money. Well, duh. Once you give an interview, it's no longer hush money. It's now considered down-the-drain money." –Jay Leno

"Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's health care bill. It's going to be a close vote. The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight." –David Letterman

"You guys see the 'GQ' pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today, she called them 'repulsive', and says she trusted 'GQ''s photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think, 'This is gonna look classy.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you for coming on the Ides of March. You know, this is March 15. It was on this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate, ironically, while pleading for health care." –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama, turning up the pressure on Congress to pass this health care reform. In fact, he's telling Democrats, if they don't vote for this bill, he will go out and campaign for them in November." –Jay Leno

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Spring is Almost Here and All That Goes With It

Many experienced a long hard winter this year which makes us all look forward to the spring months.  Tiger Woods and John Edwards also had very difficult winters for different reasons but they too are looking forward to April, May and June, but for privacy sake I won’t reveal  April , May or June’s last names here.

Spring is an exciting time because it marks a new beginning of things.  For Eric Massa, the recently resigned member of Congress, it represents the need to get a new career after being accused of being gay and groping a male assistant.  He said it was tickling and not groping and maybe the public could have forgotten about if that was all there was to it (he is a Congressman, after all.)  The thing that really blew his cover though was after the tickling he also took the guy clothes shopping and then to a Broadway musical.

With the advent of spring President Obama is thinking of a fresh start as well.  After bombing out on his first year in office he figures the “hope and change” slogan may have worn a little thin so he is reworking the slogan to “pray for a change in the public’s opinion of me”.  It is not quite as catchy but something he definitely needs.

When Obama first came into office he was all Wizard of Oz-ish.  But after the first year he is now looking at his dog and saying, “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  A new spring and a fresh beginning is just what the doctor ordered so in order to achieve that he is now telling the public to “ignore the man behind the curtain.”  I guess he figures that worked for Dick Cheney for 8 years with President Bush, so it’s worth a shot.

If that doesn’t work he can try something new like setting a deadline for Congress to pass the Obamacare bill.  Oh, wait…that’s not new, so forget that one.

Spring break has many connotations for many people.  For some it means a quiet vacation.  For Congress, being the power-crazed, trying to recapture their youth, old farts that they are, it probably means partying at a Florida beach resort.  Think congressmen in bathing suits, that’s enough right there to not get them re-elected.  Just imagine the taxpayer expense of getting them and all their aides to Florida.  (Remember there will probably be unlimited “tickling” going on at their spring break.)   I’m sure they would consider it tremendous for the economy with all the jobs that they would be creating.

I can just envision the conversation between two congressmen on the beach:

(They see some attractive bikini clad college girls walk by)

Congressman #1:  If they put a few perks like that is the health care bill I bet we’d get it passed.

Congressman #2: Whoa, talk about too big to fail.

Then all of a sudden a congressman runs by wearing Speedos with his full man breast flopping in the wind as he chases his female aide (not all congressman are gay.)  Just then former Congressman Massa walks up and sees the scene.  To him the Speedos clad man and his man breasts are in slow motion like a “Baywatch” preview.

Massa:  Wow! If that’s not a stimulus package I don’t know what is.

With that thought maybe its best if spring never actually does arrive and let’s hope Congress passes a law that none of them can ever go onto the beach.

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A Joke Shared by a Reader

This was a joke sent to me by a friend and reader of darnfunnyonline:

Please be sure to read through the PS...

Subject: Fw: Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness to John Hinkley

We could all learn so much from this elegant

and gracious lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged

young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster

and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make

himself well-known to her, he attempted to assassinate

President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.  Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter

from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To:  John Hinckley

From:  Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note

to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides

you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness,

we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for

shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have

driven you to such an act of desperation.

We're confident that you will soon make a complete

recovery and return to your family to join the world again

as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S.

While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been

banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.

You might want to look into that.

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It Could Be Worse - Issue VII

It 's time for another version of "It Could be Worse", where when things are bad you can always brighten up your day by seeing how much worse it could really be:

You could not only be drunk while you are driving but you are also driving a Toyota.

You could be a pilot waiting to land your plane and the voice you hear from air traffic control is a 7 year old kid.

You could be Al Gore trying to explain the cold winter we just had.

You could have Lady Gaga tell you are a strange person.

You could be  a man swimming in cold water at a nudist camp and it really makes you look bad as you get out of the water.

You could be Dick Cheney going through withdrawals from not being able to water board anyone.

And finally, you could be Michelle Obama  with something to say while spending time with Barack and trying to get the opportunity to talk.

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Some Quotes by W.C. Fields

Here are some quick jokes from the comedian, W.C. Fields:

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/12/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." –Jay Leno

"Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors." –Jay Leno

"Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick  Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'" –David Letterman

"If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

"He says the whole thing was an elaborate hoax. I'm skeptical. I think I'll wait to see what Kim Jong-il says." –David Letterman

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O'Brien ever hosted 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"As you know, this year, they expanded the best picture category to include 10 films. In fact, even the death montage — they expanded that to include President Obama's  health care plan. Did you notice that?" –Jay Leno

"Hey, how about this? President Obama had a meeting at the White House with Jay-Z and Beyoncé. And, in fact, they hit it off so well, Jay-Z gave the president his own rap name, 'Biggie Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for 'The Hurt Locker', which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, 'How did you end it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

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It’s Tea Time for Congress

I would like to rectify a grievous error that many of us citizens make when we refer to a politician as an ass.  The fact is that is not what they are, but correctly stated, it is where their heads are stuck at most of the time, either up their own or up someone else’s.  I feel much better having clarified that for everyone.

The public confidence in Congress is at an all time low, even lower than that of the president’s, although he is gaining fast, and to be fair he has only been in office a little over a year. You can’t blame anyone who lacks confidence though, what with nearly every headline you read or hear regarding politicians is about corruption, infidelity, graft and general lack of ethics (a.k.a.  “another day in Congress”.)  It is little wonder that the Tea Party is gaining popularity so fast.  Of course, our members of Congress could get right on board with that if we’d just be willing to change it from tea to a rum and coke party and maybe add a few hookers into the mix (and add a room on the side with free botox injections for Nancy Pelosi.)  It would be one of the few bipartisan ideas that every one of them could support.

The “Nigerian businessman” who just sent you an e-mail asking for your bank information is only a guy in training to become a politician.  Tiger Woods would have made an exceptional politician except that he got caught way too early in his career.  You have to be able to hide these things better than that.  You need to at least get elected first.  Then it is more acceptable because it is totally expected.

There was going to be a new reality show called “Dancing with the Politicians” but it never got on the air.  Because of all the slime it made the floors too slippery and no one could dance.  Plus, could you imagine someone wanting to dance with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi?

Another new political reality show being tossed around is entitled “Deal or No Deal on Healthcare”.  They are planning to borrow their advertising slogan from the movie “The Sixth Sense” so when their commercial comes on a kid will come out and say, “I see dead people.”   That should define the show quite well.

There is one more political reality show in the works but this one is strictly for democrats.  Really, the last one was too but they’ll at least pretend to let the republicans play.  This show is called “What Would Ted Kennedy Do?”  The guy who loses has to drive his car off a bridge into a river with a pregnant woman with him.  If he survives he’ll be forced to serve in the Senate for the rest of his life and he’ll be known as “The Liar of the Senate”.  No wait… maybe that was “Lion”… not really sure on that, I’ll have to get back to you.

And last of all, there is going to be a news show just about Congress.  It will be called “The Stimulus Report”.  It will be an expose’ on which congressmen are taking Viagra bribes from the drug companies to let them continue to legally push drugs on the American people.

On that note I am all for throwing a party for Congress at election time….as long as it is the Tea Party.

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Some Funny One-liners

Here are some funny one-liner jokes that someone sent to me.  The jokes are anonymous, that is , no author as they have probably been used by many comedians and others, but they are funny.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Jokes from the News – 03/09/10

Here are some jokes based on some recent news items.

Starbucks is sticking to it’s policy of letting people carry guns in their stores where it’s legal.  I’m not sure which is more scary about that, having an impatient customer at the end of a slow moving line with a gun or somebody with a gun after having a triple espresso.

But why should Starbucks worry about people carrying guns in their stores.  With the prices they charge who is robbing who anyway.

In New York an Air Traffic controller was suspended after letting his children do his job for a short time.  This made the pilots very jealous.  One of them said I want to bring my kid to work to so he can fly the plane while I sleep off my hangover.

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she had said she intended to clean up the ethics in Congress.  But so far there is no change as we constantly hear of members of the House being in ethics trouble.  We do know it wasn’t for lack of supplies that she has been unsuccessful at cleaning up, for example, we know she has a broom because she flew in on it.

I’m a little worried about the upcoming census being done by the Obama administration.  If they count people like they count jobs created, by the end of the census we’ll have more people than China.

Rumor has it that Obama is using the same technology to steer the administration that Toyota used on the steering of their cars.

…and finally, Toyota has learned if they do one more recall on their cars they will have earned a foreign aid stimulus package.

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Some Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Here are some jokes by comedian Mitch Hedberg.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week- 03/05/10

Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians... I, for one, am very glad Jay Leno is back:

"Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you're a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it." –Jay Leno

"Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration's credibility. It's all in his new book here, it's called 'Duh.'" –Jay Leno

"Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics." –Jay Leno

"Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys 'R' Us parking lot." –Jay Leno

"Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: 'Why didn't we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?'" –Jay Leno

"Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, 'Am I still drunk, or is that a kid's voice?'" –Jay Leno

"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Yorkers are desperate. They're trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, 'That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'" –David Letterman

"I love the biathlon. That's the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, 'date night.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country." –Jay Leno

"Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left." –Jay Leno

"Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I'll start to worry." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Buzz Aldrin will be on 'Dancing With the Stars.' He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime." –Jimmy Kimmel

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The Difference Between Men and Women, “It’s Complicated”

I recently saw a study that says seniors are still having sex well into their 80’s.  They may not remember if they enjoyed it, or who they did it with, but they sure do remember having it.  It said 38% of men and 17% of women in their 80’s were sexually active.  So apparently men, even at that age are going to the bars and exaggerating their sexual conquests, or there are some old ladies who are carrying more than their fair share of the load.  As the saying goes, “a woman’s work is never done”.

Sex takes way too much of most people’s attention.  In fact, for some men the only time they are not thinking about sex is when they are actually having it.  For women it is more talking about men’s desire for sex and laughing at the men, thinking that they have them all figured out…then they eventually sometimes regain their sanity.

You see, women think there is something to figure out about men but there really isn’t.  If you could see inside the typical man’s mind you’d see…SeX…sports…SEx…eat…SEX…sports again…take a dump… and also a lot more SEX.  And that’s about it.  Oh and I did forget beer for some of them too.  It really doesn’t get a whole lot more complicated than that.

But if you looked into a woman’s mind it would be a whole different story…”What is he thinking?”…”What is she thinking?”… “Does my ass look big in these jeans?”…”Why did he look at me like that?”…”Was he just flirting with me?”…”Should I have sex with him?”… “Am I gaining weight?”…”Yes, my ass is definitely too fat for these jeans.”…ad infinitum.

Men enjoy simple things.  For example, we like to hear facts like a male rat will have sex 20 times a day. (John Edwards is a perfect example which proves that one.)  Or that the male lion will often have sex up to 50 times a day.  (Ah, yes.  It is good to be the king.)

A woman is way more likely to complicate those simple facts and ask, ”What is that male lion thinking about when he is making all these conquests.  Is he trying to prove his masculinity? I wonder if that lion would think my ass is too big for these jeans?”  You get the idea.

Again, men are simple beings.  Yes, it is true that some of us are idiots too but that just adds to our charm.  We really aren’t thinking anything at all complex when women are trying to figure out what we are thinking.  Very often we are just staring off into space.  Many times men don’t think of what we are saying before we say it and that often gets us in trouble with women.  The woman then thinks we have some sinister plot going on, that’s why we said that mean thing.  The fact is we were just too stupid to think that thought through to an end and it gets us in trouble.

So, women, you will have to forgive us and please stop thinking we have more on our minds than we do.  We are not actually that complicated.  But while we may not always be as smart as you, we are also not complete morons.  We are never going to give you an honest answer on the question, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  Because we still do want to have sex with you.

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Quotes by Various Comedians

Here are a mixture of jokes from a variety of comedians.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey

I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.
Dawn French

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Stephen Fry

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.
Werner Finck

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
Kevin Nealon

I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.
Randy Newman

If we'd had another carefree 70's, I'd have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don't know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can't remember what about.
Randy Newman

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What's Wrong With a Dog's Life?

I love dogs and have several through my life. But as with anything you really love they can also be a great source of humor:

I don’t know why they call a dog man’s best friend.  I have never had a friend over to my house and then he peed on my carpet.

When he was a puppy he would wet the carpet so much instead of bringing my slippers he’d bring me my goulashes.

He’s a good watch dog, unfortunately all he watches out for is female dogs in heat.

The mailman complained to me that my dog was always trying to bite him in the ass.  I said it could be worse.   Just be happy the dog’s not gay…

Sometimes my dog irritates me.  He likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed between me and my wife.  Not only is he ruining our sex life, but when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night he likes to rub it in by humping my leg.

I never had much luck training dogs.  We were out for a walk and I said to him ”heel”.  He looked at me offended, and said “asshole.”

People complain about working like a dog. I don’t see the problem there.  My dog sleeps most of the day, gets to eat and not clean up after himself, and he gets his crotch licked any time he wants it.

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Some Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

Here are some jokes from the "redneck comedian", Jeff Foxworthy.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

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