Funny One-Liners by Mitch Hedberg

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from comedian Mitch Hedberg:

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous