Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Graig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:
Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese. –Jay Leno
Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway. –Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. –Jay Leno
Sarah Palin co-hosted the "Today" show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down "Hunger Games" style. –Jay Leno
Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job. -Conan O’Brien
Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane. -Conan O’Brien
Dartmouth College, a fine institution, has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, "You don't have cancer on your nose, you don't have cancer on your toes." -Conan O’Brien
There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ryan Seacrest was on the "Today" show. He is joining the NBC family. This on top of six or seven other jobs. America's job growth is lacking and the cause is Ryan Seacrest. ABC, NBC, radio, cable — hundreds of jobs and he is not satisfied. –Jimmy Kimmel
Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread. –Jimmy Kimmel
Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel
Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos. -Jimmy Fallon
A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like "Prepare for an on-time arrival.” -Jimmy Fallon
The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue. -Jimmy Fallon
The New York Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field. -Jimmy Fallon
Well, congratulations to Kentucky. They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky flipping over cars, they were burning couches. That was all on the same front lawn. –Jay Leno
Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent. –Jay Leno
Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn't arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break. –Jay Leno
Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice" because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients. -Conan O’Brien
The Tony Awards announced Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time. So once again they've snubbed Mike Ditka. -Conan O’Brien
A new study claims that four out of 10 Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. -Conan O’Brien
Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, "What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me? " –David Letterman
But the Wildcats, what a team, the Kentucky Wildcats. Listen to this. This is how good they are. Four of the starters are freshmen. Four guys. And they're going right to the NBA . Who says Obama isn't creating jobs? –David Letterman
It's a great day here at the CBS network. Today the network announced that David Letterman and I extended our contracts until 2014. Yes! Which is good news here, of course, two more years of Dave. Bad news, two more years of me. -Craig Ferguson
What people are really talking about, of course, is the $650 million Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing on Friday, the winning numbers were not yours. -Craig Ferguson
Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. –Jay Leno
There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. –Jay Leno
That was so much money that the JetBlue pilot could afford to go nuts on his own private plane. –Jay Leno
Betty White has a new show on NBC called "Off Their Rockers" where senior citizens prank young people. It's kind of like what we're doing to them with Social Security. –Jay Leno
Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney. -Conan O’Brien
Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement. -Conan O’Brien
iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook. -Conan O’Brien
Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend." -Conan O’Brien
The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death. –Jimmy Kimmel
The winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. All we know is their first names are Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim. –Jimmy Kimmel
I always think it's funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it's $640 million, but if it's a hundred million, it's not really worth it. –Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday was April Fools' Day. Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, "My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months." -Jimmy Fallon
I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million — or as most people put it, "Well, yeah. That's why I bought two." -Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. -Jimmy Fallon
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