Funny Quotes by Milton Berle

Here are some very funny quotes by Milton Berle, a classic comedian of his time:

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

It Could Be Worse - Issue 14

It time for another episode of It Could Be Worse, where no matter how bad things seem to be it  could always be worse (plus it's fun to do):

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Justin Bieber’s hair stylist and have to live with that fact, (…or Donald Trump’s.)

2)      You could be a bed bug getting a lot of bad press for living in a 5 star hotel so now the hotels are out to get you.

3)      You could be the gunman who hijacked a bus last week and not be smart enough to know that a bus is not a great getaway vehicle.

4)      You could be Ben Bernanke’s college economics professor and you have to admit that you gave him a passing grade.

5)      You could be the National Anthem and now every time you hear Christina Aguilera sing a song on the radio you cringe.

6)      You could be the container of Gatorade that inevitably gets thrown on the winning coach’s head at the Super Bowl and you never get to fulfill your destiny of getting drunk by a thirsty athlete.

7)      You could be a patch of grass in Iowa already being stomped on by presidential candidates for 2012.

8)      You could be the Black Eyed Peas on Monday morning after the Super Bowl being told that you know how to make a good entrance but not a very good halftime performance.

9)      You could be the maker of one of the really bad Super Bowl commercials.

10)   You could be a “female” tax return and on April 15^th you just know you are going to be cheated on and you still have more than 2 months to think about it.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Burns and Allen Routines III

Here is another classic from the Burns and Allen radio show starring George Burns and Gracie Allen:

(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)

Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?…Tuesday night…Sure I've got a new dress, I'm wearing it…What time Tuesday night?…Oh, you can't tell me, that's the surprise…. Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don't forget to be there…. Goodbye.

(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)

Customer: I'll have two of those cigars
Gracie: That'll be twenty cents.
Customer: Here's five dollars.

(She gives him the cigar and rings up the money)

Gracie: Anything else?
Customer: Yes, four-eighty.
Gracie: We haven't got cigars for four-eighty.
Customer: Who wants cigars for four-eighty? I want two cigars for twenty cents.
Gracie: I think you're silly to pay four-eighty for cigars that only cost twenty cents.
Customer: (Exasperated) Four-eighty! Twenty cents! I don't want any cigars! Here's your cigars, now give me back my five dollars!
Gracie: Oh, we never refund money, and besides you had no right to leave the counter before counting your change.
Customer: Leave the counter, count my change!! I didn't leave the counter, I didn't get any change!!
Gracie: Look, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had yesterday. I'm going to call the house detective.

(Calls)

Mr. Sweeney! Mr. Sweeney!
(Mr. Sweeney, a big, tall, burly man, enters)

Sweeney: Yes, Miss Allen, what is it?

(She gives him the two cigars)

Gracie: Here, have two cigars.
Sweeney: Oh, I couldn't, Miss Allen.
Gracie: Take them, they're paid for.

(He takes them)

Sweeney: Thanks. Now what's the problem?
Gracie: Mr. Sweeney, this man bought two cigars for twenty cents and gave me five dollars. How much do I owe him?
Sweeney: Four dollars and eighty cents.
Gracie: And four-eighty from five dollars is what?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: And how much are two cigars at ten cents apiece?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: Then doesn't that make us even?
Sweeney: Yes, I guess it does.
Gracie: Then throw this crook out....
Sweeney: Come on, get out of here.

(He drags the customer off)

Gracie: (Calling after him) I should have known yesterday I was going to have trouble with you today!

(George enters)

George: Hello, Gracie.
Gracie: Hello, George. Don't forget the party Tuesday night.
George: Gracie, it's supposed to be a surprise.
Gracie: Oh, you spoiled it for me....
George: I'm sorry. Let me have two cigars for twenty cents.

(He gives her twenty cents. She rings it up and gives him the cigars)

Gracie: Here's your four-eighty change.
George: Gracie, you're a little mixed up. I didn't give you five dollars. I gave you twenty cents.
Gracie: Now, listen, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had with that other fellow?
George: Not with me. I can use four-eighty. I haven't got a cent, I'm a pauper.
Gracie: You're a what?
George: I'm a pauper.
Gracie: Oh, congratulations, boy or girl?
George: I really don't know.
Gracie: Well, you better find out. Your brother will want to know if he's an uncle or an aunt.
George: I'll phone him when I get home.... Say, Gracie, do you know who you remind me of?
Gracie: I know, I was taken once for Clara Bow.
George: Well, that's show business.... You were taken once for Clara Bow, and I was taken once for grand larceny.
Gracie: George, don't be silly, you don't look a bit like him....
George: He's sort of a big, tall blond fellow.
Gracie: I know, and he's a very good dancer.
George: Say, you've got a pretty nice job here.
Gracie: Job? I could have had two jobs. This one at ten dollars a week and another one at forty dollars a week.
George: Then why did you take this job?
Gracie: Because I figure that if I lose a ten-dollar job instead of a forty-dollar job, I'll be saving thirty dollars.
George: Look, at thirty dollars a week, at the end of the year you'll have saved yourself fifteen hundred dollars.
Gracie: Sure, if I'm out of work for ten years, I'll have enough money to retire.
George:Do you mind if I change the subject?
Gracie: No, this is a free country.
George: That's a nice dress you have on.
Gracie: I'm glad you like it. It's my party dress for Tuesday night. My sisters, Jean and Alice, are going, too. They're twins, you know.
George: I didn't know you had twin sisters.
Gracie: They really should be triplets, because I think Alice is two-faced.
George:Do they look exactly alike?
Gracie: Oh, yeah.
George: Is it hard to tell them apart?
Gracie: Standing up or sitting down?
George:What difference does it make?
Gracie: Well, we noticed when Alice sits down and Jean stands up....
George: Jean seems taller.
Gracie: Yeah.... Even though they look exactly alike it's easy to tell them apart because Alice is married.
George: And Jean is single.
Gracie: No, Jean is married, too.
George: Well, how do you tell them apart?
Gracie: Jean is the one who has a swimming pool.
George: And Alice?
Gracie: She sleeps on the floor.
George: She sleeps on the floor?
Gracie: She's got high blood pressure and she's trying to keep it down.
George: But Jean is the own with the swimming pool.
Gracie: Yeah, we were there yesterday and we had such fun. We were diving, and doing back flips, and we'll even have more fun tomorrow when they put water in it.
George: Well, exercise is good for you.
Gracie: That's why we took the old woman with us.
George: Your mother?
Gracie: No, the old woman who lives with us. She's been with us for five weeks now.
George: Is it your aunt?
Gracie: We don't even know her. She just wanders around the house and does anything she wants.
George: Now let me get this. There's an old woman who wanders around your house and does anything she wants, and you don't even know her?
Gracie: Sure. You see, my sister bought a ticket.
George: A ticket?
Gracie: You see, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman, and....
George: Your sister won.
Gracie: Yeah....
George: Gracie, let's talk about anything except your family.
Gracie: Then you don't want to talk about my brother.
George: No.
Gracie: You're sure.
George: Yeah.
Gracie: He's very tall, you know.
George: Gracie, I don't want to talk about your brother.
Gracie: He's an undercover agent.
George: An undercover agent? Is he in the secret service?
Gracie: No, he knows about it.
George: Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
Gracie: Last week he went out on a murder case, and do you know he found that man in an hour.
George: He found the murderer in an hour?
Gracie: No, the man who was killed.
George: Not only is your brother tall, but he's fast.
Gracie: Oh yeah... And then Mr. and Mrs. Jones were having matrimonial trouble, and my brother was hired to watch Mrs. Jones.
George: Well, I imagine she was a very attractive woman.
Gracie: She was, and my brother watched her day and night for six months.
George: Well, what happened?
Gracie: She finally got a divorce.
George: Mrs. Jones?
Gracie: No, my brother's wife.
George: Gracie, I've enjoyed every minute of it, but we've run out of time. So just wave goodbye to everybody.
Gracie: Don't you want to hear about my Aunt Clara?
George: No.
Gracie: She's not only tall, but she's fat.
George: I don't want to hear about her.
Gracie: She's the one who collects all the clothes.
George: Gracie, we'll do that in our next short.
Gracie: Do you promise?
George: I promise.
Gracie: Good. Then I'll wave and say goodbye to everybody. Goodbye, everybody.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/03/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including: Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and Conan O'Brien:

"Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"Chicago is expecting 20 inches of snow. Rahm Emanuel says he’s happy he doesn’t really live there." –Jay Leno

"The owners of Chick-fil-A restaurants were very anti-gay-marriage, but now they’ve reversed their stand, In fact, today they introduced the Chick-on-Chick-fil-A." –Jay Leno

"Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won't run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis." – Conaan O’Brien

"There was a huge snowstorm in New York yesterday. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won't meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you're not meeting with Snooki? That's like Obama going, 'Welcome to the State of the Union. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." -Conan O’Brien

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak." –Jay Leno

"I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those 'Mummy' movies." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just 'hang in there.' What a difference two years makes: Remember 'hope and change'? Now it's 'hang in there.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of 'Glee.'" –Jay Leno

"Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake." –David Letterman

"They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, 'Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'" –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby’s name." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

More Advice from Advice Columnist Dear Crabby

This week we have our occasional guest columnist back to spew more of her venom….uh, I mean advice to our readers.

Let’s welcome Dear Crabby.  How are you, Crabby?

“I’m doing well, in spite of that introduction.  I heard that you have a book that will be released on darnfunnyonline.com in the next week or two.”

Thanks for mentioning that Crabby, yes, look for it on the website and newsletter.  The title is “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That.”  I’m excited about it.  Gee, I’m not used to you being so nice, Crabby.

“You said you were going to pay me to plug your book.  You’re still paying me aren’t you?”

Um, ah, yeah we’ll talk about that later. (I was trying to stay in character, since we really don’t like each other very much…yeah, the check is in the mail.)

Anyway, now that that’s over, I’ll turn it over to you Crabby.

“It’s about time.  Our first letter is from a man who doesn’t think he has to help his wife unpack after moving.  He signs his letter, ‘Moving.’”

MOVING:  My wife and I moved into a new house recently.  I had to do all the heavy lifting when we moved the boxes and now she wants me to help her unpack too.  I felt like my work was over once I got the boxes into the house.  What do you think, Crabby?

CRABBY:  Dear Moving, I hope you don’t expect me to be moved by your letter.  If I was you wife the only thing I’d be moving is my foot up your ass.  What is it with you lazy men?  You do a little work and you want all this sympathy.  I’m guessing your wife did all the packing, arranged the move and even helped you move a lot of the boxes into the house.  Get off your lazy butt, which I’m guessing is growing as we speak, and help you sweet wife out a little bit.

“The next letter is from another shiftless male complaining about his wife.  He signs his letter, ‘Town Crier.’”

Town Crier:  Every time my wife wants something it seems like she turns on the waterworks.  When she cries then I always give in.  I feel like I’m being manipulated.  Am I being too soft with her, Crabby?

Crabby:  Dear Town Crier, I’m pretty sure the only thing soft about you is your head.  If you ever let her have anything without crying maybe she wouldn’t have to cry all the time.  You men disgust me.  If I had you here, I’d show you a thing or two about…

Whoa, whoa, Crabby.  This is Steve again.  I had to interrupt because it sounds like you are being even more hostile than normal.  I mean you are usually kind of a…uh, well, bitch is the only word I can think of, but this is ridiculous.

“Fine, we’ll go to the next letter.”

We don’t have time for anymore letters, Crabby.  Plus, I’m afraid you’ll scare off the readers.

“No time!? That’s because you did that shameless plug in the beginning.”

It wouldn’t have been shameless if you kept your mouth shut about the money.

(Smiling evilly.)  Glad I could help.

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Burns and Allen Routines II

Here are some more excerpts from the classic Burns and Allen show, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen:

. A man comes out, puts his arms around Gracie, and kisses her, and she kisses him. They wave to each other as he backs offstage. Gracie returns to George center stage.

Gracie: Who was that?
George: You don't know?
Gracie: No, my mother told me never to talk to strangers.
George: That makes sense.
Gracie: This always happens to me. On my way in, a man stopped me at the stage door and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite tonight after the show?"
George: And you said?
Gracie: I said, "I'll be busy after the show but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him.
George: Gracie, let me ask you something. Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.
George: You had a smart mother.
Gracie: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
George: Gracie, what school did you go to?
Gracie: I'm not allowed to tell.
George: Why not?
Gracie: The school pays me $25 a month not to tell.
George: Is there anybody in the family as smart as you?
Gracie: My sister Hazel is even smarter. If it wasn't for her, our canary would never have hatched that ostrich egg.
George: A canary hatched an ostrich egg?
Gracie: Yeah...but the canary was too small to cover that big egg.
George: So?
Gracie: So...Hazel sat on the egg and held the canary in her lap.
George: Hazel must be the smartest in your family.
Gracie: Oh, no. My brother Willy was no dummy either.
George: Willy?
Gracie: Yeah, the one who slept on the floor.
George: Why would he sleep on the floor?
Gracie: He had high blood pressure--
George: And he was trying to keep it down?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: I'd like to meet Willy.
Gracie: You can't miss him. He always wears a high collar to cover the appendicitis scar on his neck.
George: Gracie, your appendix is down around your waist.
Gracie: I know, but Willy was so ticklish they had to operate up there.
George: What's Willy doing now?
Gracie: He just lost his job.
George: Lost his job?
Gracie: Yeah, he's a window washer.
George: And?
Gracie: And...he was outside on the twentieth story washing a window and when he got through he stepped back to admire his work.
George: And he lost his job.
Gracie: Yeah...And when he hit the pavement he was terribly embarrassed.
George: Embarrassed?
Gracie: Yeah...his collar blew off and his appendicitis scar showed.
George: Gracie, this family of yours--
Gracie: When Willy was a little baby my father took him riding in his carriage, and two hours later my father came back with a different baby and a different carriage.
George: Well, what did your mother say?
Gracie: My mother didn't say anything because it was a better carriage.
George: A better carriage?
Gracie: Yeah...And the little baby my father brought home was a little French baby so my mother took up French.
George: Why?
Gracie: So she could understand the baby--
George: When the baby started to talk?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: Gracie, this family of yours, do you all live together?
Gracie: Oh, sure. My father, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, and my nephew all sleep in one bed and--
George: In one bed? I'm surprised your grandfather doesn't sleep with them.
Gracie: Oh, he did, but he died, so they made him get up

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous

Funny Observations from Current Events - 02/01/11

Here are some funny observations made after watching the news and current events over the last week:

Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves attractive, according to a survey.  Men, on the other hand, consider 99% of all women attractive when they are naked.

At first, Rahm Emanuel, the former White House Chief of Staff, who had a reputation for being mean, was kicked off the ballot for mayor of Chicago by the courts.  They said he wasn’t mean enough…he was mean, but not “Chicago mean.”

Then 3 days later the high court of Illinois ruled that he could run for mayor of Chicago, proving again that there is justice in Chicago, no matter how much it costs.

The NFL wide receiver who had changed his name to Ochocinco, after originally being known as Chad Johnson, is changing his name again.  This time it’ll be “NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.”

A psychiatrist got his cat a diploma to be a shrink on the Internet just to prove it could be done.  Sadly, the cat is now one of the most qualified psychiatrists in the country.

There is a reported shortage of strippers in Dallas where the Super Bowl is being held.  They are reportedly hiring Tiger Woods to help recruit some of his old girlfriends to work there this week.

And speaking of Tiger Woods, work on the Tiger Woods resort in Dubai has been halted due to the economy.  Apparently, they were working on an orgy room and they had the workers pull out.  I believe the technical term is workus interuptus.

Charlie Sheen checked himself into rehab, but not to be rehabilitated, he was just looking for Lindsay Lohan so they could party together.

Taco Bell is fighting back against the lawsuit that claims they only have 35% meat in their advertised meat, the rest is fillers.  They have a new slogan coming out, “There are only so many bugs we can sweep off the floor to pump up the percentage of our meat.”

The IRS oversight board conducted a survey and found that 87%of Americans think that cheating on taxes is not acceptable.  We know that the IRS would never lie or fudge their stats.  We can take their word to the bank just as we could trust Bill Clinton when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”  (For the record I have never cheated on my taxes!!!)

darnfunnyonline.com

Posted via email from darnfunnyonline's posterous