Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/20/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women. –Conan O’Brien

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar. –Conan O’Brien

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats. –Conan O’Brien

The Megamillions story is getting interested. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other. –Conan O’Brien

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. –Craig Ferguson

Apparently only "employees" are allowed to wear those tiny orange shorts. –Craig Ferguson

Justin didn't design the furniture, nor did he build it. Other than that, it's all his. He's seen it. Maybe. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark. -Jimmy Kimmel

But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. . -Jimmy Kimmel

This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it. . -Jimmy Kimmel

The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks. . -Jimmy Kimmel

During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid. –Conan O’Brien

There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan. –Conan O’Brien

In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk. –Conan O’Brien

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke. –Craig Ferguson

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service. –Craig Ferguson

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president. –Craig Ferguson

In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander. -Jimmy Kimmel

I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that? -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those. -Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft. –Craig Ferguson

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two. -Jimmy Kimmel

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you. - Jimmy Kimmel

This is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than that North Korean rocket. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it. –Jay Leno

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. –Jay Leno

In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit. –Jay Leno

It's a great day for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They're officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids. –Craig Ferguson

Today in Australia they kicked off the World Atheist Convention. Atheists from around the world get together to congratulate themselves for figuring it all out. –Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for North Korea. Yesterday, they launched a top-secret new missile. It blasted off and flew about 90 seconds and then blew up. It fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

That's what the North Koreans get for launching it on Friday the 13th. Why couldn't they have just waited until Saturday the 14th? Maybe the atheists told them not to worry about it. –Craig Ferguson

Today is Friday the 13th. And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck — just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip. –Jimmy Fallon

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. –Jay Leno

Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK? –Jay Leno

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right." –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out. –Jay Leno

In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. –Conan O’Brien

JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It's called "Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, "Unplug me.”

Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul. -Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don't want to say he's getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn. -Jimmy Fallon

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 04/10/12 and 04/12/12

Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Thursday, April 12, 2012
Top Ten Things I, Dave, Hoped To Do By The Time I Turned 65

10.Suffer a massive, teeth-rattling heart attack

9.Become a gay icon

8.Work like I don't need the money, love like I've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching

7.Serve a half-term as Governor of Alaska

6.Design my own line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers

5.Work with a dedicated staff and crew whom I respect and admire...who feel the same about me

4.Do something to cause a 'Fire Dave' rally

3.Replace the sound effects guy

2.Know when to quit

1.Betty White

Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Top Ten Words Rarely Used To Describe Mitt Romney

10.Gangsta

9.Laugh-a-minute

8.Newty

7.The Mormon Lenny Kravitz

6.Poor but honest

5.Silver-haired "sexplosion"

4.Honey-voiced

3.Slutty

2.Friend to Irish Setters

1.Presidential

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/06/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Graig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese. –Jay Leno

Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway. –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. –Jay Leno

Sarah Palin co-hosted the "Today" show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down "Hunger Games" style. –Jay Leno

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job. -Conan O’Brien

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane. -Conan O’Brien

Dartmouth College, a fine institution, has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, "You don't have cancer on your nose, you don't have cancer on your toes." -Conan O’Brien

There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ryan Seacrest was on the "Today" show. He is joining the NBC family. This on top of six or seven other jobs. America's job growth is lacking and the cause is Ryan Seacrest. ABC, NBC, radio, cable — hundreds of jobs and he is not satisfied. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread. –Jimmy Kimmel

Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos. -Jimmy Fallon

A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like "Prepare for an on-time arrival.” -Jimmy Fallon

The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue. -Jimmy Fallon

The New York Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field. -Jimmy Fallon

Well, congratulations to Kentucky. They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky flipping over cars, they were burning couches. That was all on the same front lawn. –Jay Leno

Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent. –Jay Leno

Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn't arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break. –Jay Leno

Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice" because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients. -Conan O’Brien

The Tony Awards announced Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time. So once again they've snubbed Mike Ditka. -Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that four out of 10 Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. -Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, "What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me? " –David Letterman

But the Wildcats, what a team, the Kentucky Wildcats. Listen to this. This is how good they are. Four of the starters are freshmen. Four guys. And they're going right to the NBA . Who says Obama isn't creating jobs? –David Letterman

It's a great day here at the CBS network. Today the network announced that David Letterman and I extended our contracts until 2014. Yes! Which is good news here, of course, two more years of Dave. Bad news, two more years of me. -Craig Ferguson

What people are really talking about, of course, is the $650 million Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing on Friday, the winning numbers were not yours. -Craig Ferguson

Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. –Jay Leno

There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. –Jay Leno

That was so much money that the JetBlue pilot could afford to go nuts on his own private plane. –Jay Leno

Betty White has a new show on NBC called "Off Their Rockers" where senior citizens prank young people. It's kind of like what we're doing to them with Social Security. –Jay Leno

Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney. -Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement. -Conan O’Brien

iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend." -Conan O’Brien

The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death. –Jimmy Kimmel

The winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. All we know is their first names are Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim. –Jimmy Kimmel

I always think it's funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it's $640 million, but if it's a hundred million, it's not really worth it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday was April Fools' Day. Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, "My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months." -Jimmy Fallon

I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million — or as most people put it, "Well, yeah. That's why I bought two." -Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. -Jimmy Fallon

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Jokes by Mike Birbiglia

Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes. Like, 'I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I'm not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.'

This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'

I went to Dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any English at all, like, no words. And it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' And I'd be like, 'Right away, sir.'

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don't think they're saying, 'Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.'

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn't be that excited either. I'd be like, 'Oh great, she looks exactly like me.'

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'

I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'

I was an altar boy when I was a kid -- and the answer is 'no.'

I wanted to be a rapper -- I really did -- and it surprises people because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur -- 'white bread.' The other day, someone was like, 'What's up, white bread?' And I was like, 'That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.'

Rappers now will be like, 'It's 2005, motherf**ker.' I'm like, you're mad about the date? You've gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you.

I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? 'Cause I got that goin' on, too!'

I'm not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me, I felt like she met 'Two-Drink Mike.' It's totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, 'How Are Ya?' -- Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, 'Please welcome Mike Bahooski!', and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, 'You didn't even try! You just said "B" and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That's a really specific choice.'

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good, like, 'We found something in your bladder, and it's season tickets to the Yankees!'

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/30/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno

"Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting. –Jay Leno

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

It's never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien

"The Hunger Games" mania continues. After "Twilight" fans were called Twi-hards, "Hunger Games" fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. "John Carter" fans are referred to as "That guy who saw 'John Carter.'" –Conan O’Brien

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, "Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno

A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it? –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date." –Conan O’Brien

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman

Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman

For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel

I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon

A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon

A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, "I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls"? –Jimmy Fallon

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for "The Hunger Games." –Jay Leno

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!" –Conan O’Brien

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O’Brien

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/23/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place. –Jay Leno

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. –Jay Leno

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A. –Jay Leno

Next month the movie "Titanic" will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn't see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses. –Jay Leno

Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They've announced they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, "Until now!" –Conan O’Brien

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy. –Conan O’Brien

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. –David Letterman

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, "Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos." That's the way these things work. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November. –David Letterman

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, "They're holding a primary in Kenya?" - Craig Ferguson

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually. –Jimmy Kimmel

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is "Newt Gingrich.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. –Jimmy Fallon

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

“The Hunger Games" is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered. –Jay Leno

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions. –Jay Leno

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. –Jay Leno

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes. –Conan O’Brien

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God." –Conan O’Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They're called wide receivers. –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, "You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: "Cover-Your-Face Book.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA. –Jay Leno

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is. –Jay Leno

This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels. –Jay Leno

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves "Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures '21 Jump Street.'" –Conan O’Brien

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife. –Conan O’Brien

Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family. –David Letterman

Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, "What would Jesus do?" Well, he'd sign Peyton Manning. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the "every single man in America" vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum said when he's in the White House he'll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, "Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/02/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It's nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O'Brien

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who's more conservative. I think Santorum... he's more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won't go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man's junk. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won't even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. –Jay Leno

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. –Jay Leno

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone. –Jay Leno

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control. –Conan O'Brien

Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby. –Conan O'Brien

Scientists are looking into the world's oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi. –Conan O'Brien

Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn't want an extra day of February? –David Letterman

They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? –David Letterman

It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind. –Craig Ferguson

Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian . –Craig Ferguson

I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think. -Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don't usually mate in captivity. -Jimmy Kimmel

CNN asked Snooki's publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes? -Jimmy Kimmel

In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it's gonna be a long night. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, "Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy." -Jimmy Fallon

It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. –Jay Leno

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been revealed. They're leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week. –Jay Leno

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery. –Jay Leno

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie. –Craig Ferguson

Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, "Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?” -Jimmy Fallon

There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. –Jimmy Fallon

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