Bill Cosby Quotes

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

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I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.

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People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

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As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

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My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

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Gray hair is God's graffiti.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

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When you become senile, you won't know it.

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I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

 

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Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes, 11/06/09

Here are the some of the best jokes of this week by the late night comedians.

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon

"A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie." –Conan O'Brien

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman

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Almost a year, but whose counting?

We are closing in on one year since Barack Obama was elected as president, or as he says to the mirror every night, “that he was elected as God.”  Of course, if that were true he would be inundated with Americans praying to him for a time machine so the next three years could pass instantly so we can elect someone else.

I can just hear Obama’s re-election campaign slogan now, “at least I’m not Bush.”  Naturally, this will bring a wry smile to the face of George Bush every time he hears it since it reminds him of the secret he will carry to his grave, that he actually voted for Obama because, ”Obama will make me not look so bad.”

Obama is already preparing for his re-election by getting on Facebook and seeing how many “friends” he can gather.  He assumed he was obligated to get onto all the social media sites like Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, etc. because he thought they were referred to as “socialism media”.  Since he cleared up that misconception he has lost a lot of interest.  Now, Bush also got caught up in the social media craze.  But, as you can imagine he got a little confused.  He told Laura he was afraid to get onto “MyFace” because if he got any “friends” there they might be bullies and sit on his face like Dick Cheney used to do when they got in the Oval Office alone together.

Obama has used television way more than any president ever imagined he could.  Now he may be going a bit too far.  The other day he met with some television executives.  He wants them to develop a show for him and call it “Dancing with Healthcare”.  He’ll host it but Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be the main dancers.  If the show fails he can blame it on them because they have too many left feet.  Naturally Obama thinks since he is involved it will be too big to fail and he will likely win an Emmy for the show.  But, if not, no problem, he has that Nobel Peace Prize to fall back on.

By the way, that Nobel Peace Prize has Bill Clinton really ticked off.  He thinks he should have won it himself but he does take consolation in the fact that he could have won the Nobel “Piece” Prize if they gave an award for that kind of thing.  In fact, he is in communication with Playboy and Hustler about sponsoring that award so he can win it while he’s still in his prime.  Of course, Monica Lewinsky could argue he was past his prime already back when he was president.  Otherwise, he would have never ruined her dress with those stains.

It would appear that Obama is starting to backslide on that whole “hope and change“ feel-good thing that he got elected on .  Instead, he has resorted to having Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi parade up and down the halls of Congress with sandwich boards that say “will work for healthcare.”  If he is not careful his legacy, if healthcare passes, could be that the cliché of “Nothing is certain except death and taxes” is taken to a whole new level of truth.

Fox News has other plans for Obama.  They are hoping to put an end to all the “pork” projects that are coming out of the Obama administration.  When it comes to re-election time they are intent on borrowing a line from Porky Pig, “Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, that’s all folks.”

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Some Late Night Obama Humor

I realize Obama is an easy target for humor but it was a slow humor day so here are some good late night jokes about President Obama:

"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

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Dave Barry Classic Quotes

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

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Jokes for the World Series

Since we are into the World Series I thought I'd do a few lines about that today:

They were going to have Ben Bernake throw out the first pitch of the World Series but they were afraid that by the time the ball reached home plate it would have been inflated to the size of a balloon and then everybody would be looking for the "balloon boy", who couldn't be found anywhere, and the game would never get started.

Next, they asked Hilary Clinton to throw out the first pitch but she said no, unless Obama was willing to stand in at the plate.  Baseball officials said that the first pitch in this tradition doesn't have a batter.  Hillary said, "Who said I wanted him to have a bat?"…  Baseball officials wisely declined.

The Yankees looked like they barely showed up for the first game of the series.  I guess they were working on the Obama and Fed premise that they were "too big to fail'.

There were a lot of celebrities in the stands when they played in New York.  There was even a reality show producer there and after the first game he tried to get CC Sabathia to be on "The Biggest Loser".  (Hey what did you expect, I'm a Phillies fan.)

I understand that Obama tried to appoint a Baseball Czar before the World Series but when he decreed there would be no real winner or loser in the series Baseball Officials put that idea to a halt.

It was not publicly known but they almost ran out of balls in one of the games so Alex Rodriguez made the suggestion to put the game on steroids so they could grow a whole new set if they needed to.

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Best of the Late Night Jokes - 10/30/09

Best of the Late Night Jokes - 10/30/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" -Conan O'Brien

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." -Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." -Jay Leno

"They say now that President Barack Obama's playing a lot of golf. Did you know he plays a lot of golf? I didn't know that. Good for him. Play golf. Play all the golf you want. The world is going to hell anyway. What possible difference could it make if he's playing golf?" –David Letterman

"And an auditor found rampant fraud in the government's first-time home buyers program. The auditor found that starter home money even went to 4-year-olds. Imagine that. Four-year-olds got a home loan, which is good news for Jon and Kate's kids because now they can get their own place. Don't have to deal with those two idiots anymore." –Jay Leno

"After the President invited only men to play basketball with him earlier this month, the National Organization for Women is complaining that the Obama Administration has a 'boy's club' atmosphere, not to be confused with the Clinton Administration, where they had a gentleman's club atmosphere." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno

"It's a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our secretary of state's birthday. It is Hillary Clinton's birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said 'Your job.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he'll go home and see Hillary." –Craig Ferguson

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