Some More Steven Wright Jokes

I posted jokes from Steven Wright before but these are different ones, he has so many to choose from:

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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Some Funny Observations from Current Events

Current events spurred these funny observations:

Nancy Pelosi recently celebrated her 70^th birthday…how fast they grow up, it seems like just yesterday she was getting her first Botox injection.

Tiger Woods is getting back into the swing of things and returning to golf to play at the Masters tournament – is anybody else thinking he is coming back for the “Masters” as an inside joke, since he liked it rough and he was often being the “master”.

Obama was quoted saying, “Healthcare will define his presidency.” And if the definition of healthcare is socialism he is correct.

Fidel Castro gave a rousing endorsement to Obamacare being passed, just the endorsement Obama needed from a bleeding heart communist (see the line above this one.)

Joe Biden was heard on the microphone last week whispering to Obama, “This is a big f-----g deal.”  A White house spokesman excused Biden saying he has a condition called “Lack of judgment disorder”, but the good thing is, even though it was pre-existing he will be covered by healthcare and he’ll be heavily drugged.

John Edwards has turned to religion according to rumors.  He heard about the widening sex scandals in the Catholic Church and now he wants to become a priest.

..And finally, abstinence program funding is part of the healthcare program.  Ironically, this was written by congressmen who traditionally have as much ability to abstain as rabbits in heat.

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Quotes From Comedian Fred Allen

Here are some jokes from Fred Allen, a comedian from the George Burns, Jack Benny era of comedy:

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/26/10

Here are some of the very best jokes from the late night comedians for this week:

"Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two." –David Letterman

"You got to count everybody in your household for the census. Right now, Angelina Jolie is going through the place with one of those clickers." –David Letterman

"Jersey Shore' is premiering in 30 different countries this week. It will be shown in France, except in France it's called 'Another Reason to Hate America.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Porn star Devon 'Triple X' James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name 'Triple X.''' –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama, boy, he's feeling like a Toyota driver today. There's no stopping him." –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'" –Jay Leno

"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." –Jay Leno

"And the Pentagon is changing Army basic training for the first time in 30 years to deal with the fact that so many new recruits are so overweight. In fact, the Army's new slogan, 'Don't ask, no seconds.'" –Jay Leno

"How about basketball? Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well, don't worry. It's covered by the new health care plan." –David Letterman

"Do you know who's going to be in charge of health care? The IRS No, this is true. The IRS will be in charge of enforcing the new health care laws. You thought you hated getting audited by the government? Wait until they're in charge of your prostate exam, O.K.?" –Jay Leno

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you're still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday." –David Letterman

"And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow." –Jay Leno

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Congress, It’s like the Smell Coming From the Garbage Can

The Democrats in Congress and Obama are so intent on being right about health care that they got it passed even if it means many of them not being re-elected because of it.  So, finally, at least some good might come of this.

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

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Jokes from Various Comedians

Here are some jokes from some several different comedians who may not be as well known as some others but the jokes are funny.  (A side note, in the early 90's I wrote some jokes for the first comedian listed here, Joey Adams.  He was often an opening act at Ceasar's Palace, in Las Vegas.)

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
Joey Adams

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'
Joey Adams

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Jasper Carrott

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
Frank Carson

I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material.
Kate Clinton

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"
Ray Combs

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly

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Jokes from the News – 03/23/10

Here are some jokes based on this last week's news:

There was a lady who weighs 600lbs. and she wants to gain another 400 lbs so that she can be the fattest woman ever.  In related news, Congress wants to pass one more stupid bill so they can be called the most stupid Congress ever.

Joe Biden is happy that Nancy Pelosi said we’ll have to pass the health care bill to find out what’s in it.  He said, “Finally, I’m not the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on.”

In other healthcare news, Donald Trump called Obama and asked if fixing his hair would be covered in the new healthcare.

Obama told him, “I have no idea, no one really knows what’s in the bill, we’ll find out soon.”

After the healthcare bill passed Nancy Pelosi's face muscles went into spasm because they had never experienced a natural smile before.

In a recent Gallup poll 80% of the people said they disapprove of what Congress is doing, the other 20% just abstained from voting because they were mistresses and illegitimate children of congressmen.

Obama is claiming a victory because 80% had to be a non-partisan majority, just like he claimed he’d get when he ran for President.

And finally, it looks like Sandra Bullock and Jessie James marriage is on the rocks.  He was cheating on her with a tattoo artist.  Apparently he could read what his girlfriend was writing on his body but he was unable to read the writing on the wall.

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