Burns and Allen Routines

Here are some excerpts of the radio show of the classic comedy team George Burns and Gracie Allen:

George: Gracie, what day is it today?
Gracie: Well, I don't know.
George: You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, George, that doesn't help. It's yesterday's paper.

George: Look, it's got a coat of arms. It's a bonified castle.
Gracie: Oh, that's where Napolean came from.
George: Napolean?
Gracie: Yes, Napolean Bonified.

George: ...Since the 15th century Totley castle has been the seat of the earl of...
Gracie: Oh, George, you must get rid of that Brooklyn accent. You mean "oil."
George: No, I mean "earl." "Oil" and "earl" are two different things. You're daddy doesn't go to bed "oily" did he?
Gracie: He did when he worked for the gas station.
George: Listen, Gracie. In England there are different titles for the nobility: lords, dukes, earls,...
Gracie: Oh, that's my daddy. If he ever gets his dukes on the earl company's money, Lord help him! I made that up myself.
George: You did?
Gracie: Yeah!

Fred Astaire: Good old Totley castle.
Gracie: Isn't it beautiful? It's almost pretty enough to be a filling station
George: Filling station? This castle is more than 300 years old.
Fred: Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1648.
Gracie: Well that was good time in those days.
Fred: I mean he went through the castle, Gracie.
Gracie: Couldn't stop the car, huh?
George and Fred: No! Couldn't stop the car!

Keggs (butler/tour guide of Totley castle): Admission is one shilling.
Gracie: Well, we usually get more than that, but give us our shillings and we'll go in.
Keggs: But I don't pay the people madame, the people pay me.

Gracie: Oh, well then give me my money back.
Keggs: But you didn't give me any money!
Gracie: That's not my fault!
George: Here's your money mister.
Keggs: Thank you! [George enters the castle]
Gracie: How much did he give you?
Keggs: Two shillings.
Gracie: And how much is the admission?
Keggs: One shilling.
Gracie: Oh. Well, give me my change!
Keggs: Oh, I beg your pardon madame. I was a little confused for the moment.
Gracie: Uh-huh.

Gracie: Oh, George. Imagine meeting a deep-sea diver here of all places.
George: Deep-sea diver? That's a suit of armor.
Gracie: Mr. Armor must be somewhere in his underwear, he's not in his suit.
George: Probably stepped out for a smoke.
Gracie: Oh.

George: Does he heard sheep?
Gracie: Oh, George, you can't say "does he heard sheep." You should say "does he hear sheep" or "has he heard sheep," but you can't say...
Together: ..."does he heard sheep." NO.

Gracie: Come on, George. It's lots of fun having fun even if you DON'T enjoy it.

Scene: inside the tunnel of love
Reggie (Gracie's escort): Lovely weather, isn't it?
Gracie: Yah, it's a shame we can't see it.
Reggie: Rather.
Gracie: By the way did you see the papers this morning?
Reggie: No, did you see them?
Gracie: No but I wish this were yesterday. Although I didn't see the papers yesterday morning. Did you see the papers yesterday morning?
Reggie: No.
Gracie: I never see the papers, but they're nice to talk about.
Reggie: Yes, they're so true to life.
Gracie: Oh, aren't we all?

 

---

 

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how is your cousin?

GRACIE
You mean the one who died?

GEORGE
Yeah.

GRACIE
Oh, he's fine now.

GEORGE
Music! [music starts and the dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how's your uncle Harvey?

GRACIE
Oh, last night he fell down the stairs with a bottle of scotch and never spilled a drop.

GEORGE
Really?

GRACIE
Yeah, he kept his mouth closed.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]

GRACIE
My sister Bessie had a brand new-baby.

GEORGE
Boy or girl?

GRACIE
I don't know, and I can't wait to get home to find out if I'm an aunt or an uncle.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

GRACIE
I thought you were born in Buffalo.

GEORGE
Music!
[music up--and into dancing exit]

Well, that was the routine Gracie and I did the first time at the Palace. And we were really a big hit. I know, I was there.--George Burns

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/28/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel:

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won." –Stephen Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position." –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. –Jay Leno

President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister. –Jay Leno

Did you see the pictures of Snooki sitting next to Kim Kardashian at an NBA game over the weekend? It looked like Kim was staring at herself in a funhouse mirror. –Jay Leno

A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: "Cover-Your-Facebook." –Jay Leno

The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was "Win the Future." It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of "Top Chef." –Conan O’Brien

Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Nothing enrages an inflamed Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around. ." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired. ." –Conan O’Brien

It's been widely reported that the meat content of Taco Bell's ground beef is only 36 percent, which explains their new slogan: "Think Outside the Cow." ." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears. –Jimmy Kimmel

He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy. –Jimmy Kimmel

For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it "date night." How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed. -Jay Leno

In India, a fighting rooster slashed the trainer's throat with the blades he had attached to its feet. Official cause of death? Karma. –Jay Leno

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a "Day of Rage." Or as it's known in the Middle East, "Tuesday." –Conan O’Brien

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Fast Food Disguised as Food

Taco Bell is being sued because there is less than 35% beef in their “meat,” the rest is just fillers .  The law suit is essentially claiming that there is more beef at a pool party of Ethiopians than there is in Taco Bell meat.

While it is a misnomer to call something meat that isn’t really meat, it is also incorrect to call most fast food, food.  While a lot of it tastes good going down you often get to keep tasting it for quite a while afterward and it’s not nearly as good the 2^nd and 3^rd time around.

If there were labels on fast food they would be required to have disclaimer statements that read something like, “If you bite into our food and you think you bit into cardboard and now want to sue us forget it, that was actually the food, ha-ha.”

The next time you bite into a chicken nugget from a fast food place you may want to ponder what it is a nugget of.

If fast food was compared to a relationship it would be like a series of one night stands.  That is unless you are firmly committed to one particular establishment, no t to mention any names, but if, for example, your favorite place promotes that there have been billions served, then you are probably a guy who goes out of his way to date really ugly fat girls.  In fairness, and not to be sexist, for a girl it would be someone who dates fat ugly guys.  And I do emphasize the fat because if this is the food you are eating you are probably already really fat yourself.

If fast food were politics there would be a lot of sleazy, slimy, backroom deals being made and it would get worse the bigger the fast food chain/government became… oh, never mind then, fast food and politics are already the same.

You sometimes hear about a rat or mouse or something else equally disgusting being found in fast food.  But it sounds like Taco Bell could increase the percentage of their meat in their “meat” if they weren’t so diligent about keeping the rodents out of the food.  Then again maybe they aren’t that diligent and that’s how they are getting 35% of their meat to be classified as meat.

Even the toys given out by some fast food chains can be hazardous to your health.  And this is not just because the kids try to eat the toys rather than the food.  There have been numerous instances of toy recalls because of the paint or dye (also known as die) on the toys, etc. etc.

I have to admit, though, the fast food mascots are actually pretty cool.  And they do make really good commercials.  I have to say I’m partial to Jack, from Jack–in-the-box commercial fame, with the Burger King, King coming in as a close second.  Now if they could just get the level of the food up to the level of the commercials I might be enticed to eat some of their food.  Even Taco Bell used to put out some good commercials back when they had the Chihuahuas in their ads.  Whatever happened to those ads?… Hey, wait a minute.  Maybe that is the source of how they are getting their meat up to the level of 35% actual meat.

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Funny Quotes by a Few Comedians

Here are some funny quotes by three different comedians:

Quotes by Spike Milligan

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."

Quotes by Denis Leary

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

Quotes by Tommy Cooper

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

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Funny Observations From Current Events – 01/25/11

Here are some funny observations based on the currents events over the past week:

There was a video on the Internet about how at Sea World they were brushing the sea lion’s teeth.  Of course, all the British sea lions headed in the opposite direction when the tooth brushes came out, they wanted nothing to do with dental care.

They now want to allow women in combat.  I think it’s a timing thing.  They should only be allowed to fight only when they are PMSing.  That would be a sure way to win any war.

Some sad news, Obama’s dog trainer died.  On the plus side though, she went fast so she didn’t have to deal with Obamacare.

In Germany a new court ruling says bosses can make women wear bras to work.  America is quite different.  Over here bosses want to be able to make women take their bras off during work.

Justin Bieber’s haircut cost $750.  Now there’s a candidate for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice show.  If he is paying that much to make his hair look that way, much less $750, he is a Donald Trump in the making.

Starbucks has come out with a new larger drink size called “Trenta”.  I guess it’s their way of telling the other coffee shops that “Mine is bigger than yours.”

I saw an Internet article about exercises for the face.   It appears their motto is “Let your ass keep growing but here’s an exercise you can do while sitting and not break a sweat.”  Unfortunately, it opens them up to being the butt of jokes.

According to a Travel and Leisure survey Los Angeles has the rudest people.  That is really bad when you consider Howard Stern doesn’t even live in Los Angeles.

There was a report this week that 1 in 12 sports fans leaves the stadium drunk.  And the figure would even goes higher if they were to include the athletes in those figures.

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Funny Quotes by Dave Barry

Here are some very funny quotes from humorist Dave Barry:

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."

"What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction."

"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."

"There's no way to know for sure without finding out what a "kg" is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness."

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/21/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." –Jay Leno

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"The state dinner went really well, until the after dinner speeches were hosted by Ricky Gervais." –Jay Leno

"Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner’s new fiance said, 'Good!'" –Jay Leno

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman fainted during a welcoming ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama said, 'Who knows CPR?' President Hu said, 'No, I don't.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"China's President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." –David Letterman

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it." –Jay Leno

"There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama's daughters and asked them, 'So what factories do you kids work at?'" –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?" –Jimmy Fallon

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