Funny Quotes About Christmas

Here are some funny quotes about Christmas and the holiday season, in general:

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11//29/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?...Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/21/11 to 11/23/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You Ate Too Much At Thanksgiving Dinner

10.You're sweatin' giblets

9.By the time everyone finished saying grace, you were having seconds

8.Like parade balloons, you require a dozen handlers to navigate you to the couch

7.To pry you from your chair, family slathers you in Crisco

6.Asked yourself, "What would Chris Christie do?"

5.Pants button popped and knocked out grandma

4.You're visible from the International Space Station

3.Your skin has taken on the hue of ham glaze

2.Your ass went from Kourtney to Kim

1.You have to loosen the buckle on your watch

 

Top Ten Super Committee Excuses

10."Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee"

9."Got distracted by Congress's new 'Donkey Kong' machine"

8."Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces"

7."When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new Twilight movie, you see the new Twilight movie"

6."Quit early to get in line for the black Friday sale at Annie Sez"

5."It's the curse of the chupacabra"

4."We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses"

3."It's Robert Wagner's fault"

2."Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done"

1."President Santorum will figure it out"

 

Top Ten Other Articles In the Al Qaeda Magazine

10."How To Winterize Your Beard"

9."Sexiest Mullah Alive"

8."Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab"

7."Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage"

6."101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions"

5."What's the Right Shoe Bomb For You?"

4."2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year"

3."An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney"

2."Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spiderhole"

1."Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?"

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Thanksgiving, Pilgrims and Computers

Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer.  (What can I say?  I had some free time since  my computer wasn’t working.)  Anyway, this is what I came up with:

Female Pilgrim:  Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.

Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou.   I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming  over and all the cooking thouest needs  to do.

Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron.  To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer.  I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.

Male Pilgrim:  Oh that, yeah, I cannot.  Windows is not working.

Female Pilgrim:  I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working.  What does that matter anyway?  It’s November in New England.  We don’t need the windows open.

Male Pilgrim:  No dearest, wife.  Windows is the operating system on the computer.  If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.

Female Pilgrim:  Oh, well, I guess that is good.  That means thouest can’t look at porn now.

Male Pilgrim:  No, no, no, darling.  I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.

Female Pilgrim:  Thouest are full of excrement from the cow.  I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.

Male Pilgrim:  Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.

Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH!   Sometimes  I  wish  those Indians had never  even given us that computer.  I think maybe we should just give it back to them.

Male Pilgrim:  But then people would call us “Indian givers.”

Female Pilgrim:  That is not what that term means!  Thouest really are a moron!

Male Pilgrim:  Whateverest.

Female Pilgrim:  Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight.  You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.

Male Pilgrim:  Well, thouest spends too  much  time  on  chat lines.

The camera (there had to be a camera in this  movie that is  going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.)  They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.

First Indian:  They give us diseases, we give them computers.

They high five again.

Back to the Pilgrim couple.

Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I'm going to watch football.

Female Pilgrim:  Watch what?

Male Pilgrim:  Football, it's an American tradition every Thanksgiving.

Female Pilgrim:  (Exasperated)  But this is the first Thanksgiving!

Male Pilgrim:  Then I guess I'll be starting the tradition.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/14/11 to 11/17/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Regis

10.Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan

9.The endless complaining

8.His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne

7.Did I mention the endless complaining

6.The way he always lets you pay for dinner

5.Who do you think killed Osama?

4.The various talented actors who have played Regis

3.His antique car collection and his enormous chin

2.When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from "Beautiful Baby Week"

1.This (VT: Shirtless Regis)

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At "Live! With Regis And Kelly"

10."And you are...?"

9."It's one of Regis' last shows -- try not to ruin it"

8."Hair and makeup? What's the point?"

7."Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show"

6."Please tell me you're not Regis' replacement"

5."Gelman frisks all of the guests"

4."Just what we need, another whiny old guy"

3."Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?"

2."There he is -- get him!"

1."Right this way, Conan"

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During This Moment

10."Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"

9."I told them politics was off limits"

8."Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"

7."Why the hell am I in Milwaukee?"

6."Uh, 9-9-9?"

5."What would Rick Dees do?"

4."I'm gonna be on YouTube!"

3."I should have called Bob Costas"

2."These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"

1."Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10.Goodbye eggs benedict; hello eggs Newt

9.Beatles broke up because "Newt" couldn't get along with "Newt"

8.Trump would be known as "The Newt"

7.Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!

6.Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt"

5.The mother on "How I Met Your Mother": Newt

4.When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, "Be more specific, Newt"

3.On "Jeopardy," people just keep buzzing in and saying, "Who is Newt?"

2.When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey

1.You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/22/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?”  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week.  Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room.  I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower.  Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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Late Night Takes on the Liberals

Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. ... But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.'' —Jay Leno

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