Burns and Allen Routines

Here are some excerpts of the radio show of the classic comedy team George Burns and Gracie Allen:

George: Gracie, what day is it today?
Gracie: Well, I don't know.
George: You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, George, that doesn't help. It's yesterday's paper.

George: Look, it's got a coat of arms. It's a bonified castle.
Gracie: Oh, that's where Napolean came from.
George: Napolean?
Gracie: Yes, Napolean Bonified.

George: ...Since the 15th century Totley castle has been the seat of the earl of...
Gracie: Oh, George, you must get rid of that Brooklyn accent. You mean "oil."
George: No, I mean "earl." "Oil" and "earl" are two different things. You're daddy doesn't go to bed "oily" did he?
Gracie: He did when he worked for the gas station.
George: Listen, Gracie. In England there are different titles for the nobility: lords, dukes, earls,...
Gracie: Oh, that's my daddy. If he ever gets his dukes on the earl company's money, Lord help him! I made that up myself.
George: You did?
Gracie: Yeah!

Fred Astaire: Good old Totley castle.
Gracie: Isn't it beautiful? It's almost pretty enough to be a filling station
George: Filling station? This castle is more than 300 years old.
Fred: Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1648.
Gracie: Well that was good time in those days.
Fred: I mean he went through the castle, Gracie.
Gracie: Couldn't stop the car, huh?
George and Fred: No! Couldn't stop the car!

Keggs (butler/tour guide of Totley castle): Admission is one shilling.
Gracie: Well, we usually get more than that, but give us our shillings and we'll go in.
Keggs: But I don't pay the people madame, the people pay me.

Gracie: Oh, well then give me my money back.
Keggs: But you didn't give me any money!
Gracie: That's not my fault!
George: Here's your money mister.
Keggs: Thank you! [George enters the castle]
Gracie: How much did he give you?
Keggs: Two shillings.
Gracie: And how much is the admission?
Keggs: One shilling.
Gracie: Oh. Well, give me my change!
Keggs: Oh, I beg your pardon madame. I was a little confused for the moment.
Gracie: Uh-huh.

Gracie: Oh, George. Imagine meeting a deep-sea diver here of all places.
George: Deep-sea diver? That's a suit of armor.
Gracie: Mr. Armor must be somewhere in his underwear, he's not in his suit.
George: Probably stepped out for a smoke.
Gracie: Oh.

George: Does he heard sheep?
Gracie: Oh, George, you can't say "does he heard sheep." You should say "does he hear sheep" or "has he heard sheep," but you can't say...
Together: ..."does he heard sheep." NO.

Gracie: Come on, George. It's lots of fun having fun even if you DON'T enjoy it.

Scene: inside the tunnel of love
Reggie (Gracie's escort): Lovely weather, isn't it?
Gracie: Yah, it's a shame we can't see it.
Reggie: Rather.
Gracie: By the way did you see the papers this morning?
Reggie: No, did you see them?
Gracie: No but I wish this were yesterday. Although I didn't see the papers yesterday morning. Did you see the papers yesterday morning?
Reggie: No.
Gracie: I never see the papers, but they're nice to talk about.
Reggie: Yes, they're so true to life.
Gracie: Oh, aren't we all?

 

---

 

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how is your cousin?

GRACIE
You mean the one who died?

GEORGE
Yeah.

GRACIE
Oh, he's fine now.

GEORGE
Music! [music starts and the dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how's your uncle Harvey?

GRACIE
Oh, last night he fell down the stairs with a bottle of scotch and never spilled a drop.

GEORGE
Really?

GRACIE
Yeah, he kept his mouth closed.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]

GRACIE
My sister Bessie had a brand new-baby.

GEORGE
Boy or girl?

GRACIE
I don't know, and I can't wait to get home to find out if I'm an aunt or an uncle.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

GRACIE
I thought you were born in Buffalo.

GEORGE
Music!
[music up--and into dancing exit]

Well, that was the routine Gracie and I did the first time at the Palace. And we were really a big hit. I know, I was there.--George Burns

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/28/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel:

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won." –Stephen Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position." –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. –Jay Leno

President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister. –Jay Leno

Did you see the pictures of Snooki sitting next to Kim Kardashian at an NBA game over the weekend? It looked like Kim was staring at herself in a funhouse mirror. –Jay Leno

A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: "Cover-Your-Facebook." –Jay Leno

The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was "Win the Future." It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of "Top Chef." –Conan O’Brien

Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Nothing enrages an inflamed Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around. ." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired. ." –Conan O’Brien

It's been widely reported that the meat content of Taco Bell's ground beef is only 36 percent, which explains their new slogan: "Think Outside the Cow." ." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears. –Jimmy Kimmel

He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy. –Jimmy Kimmel

For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it "date night." How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed. -Jay Leno

In India, a fighting rooster slashed the trainer's throat with the blades he had attached to its feet. Official cause of death? Karma. –Jay Leno

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a "Day of Rage." Or as it's known in the Middle East, "Tuesday." –Conan O’Brien

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Fast Food Disguised as Food

Taco Bell is being sued because there is less than 35% beef in their “meat,” the rest is just fillers .  The law suit is essentially claiming that there is more beef at a pool party of Ethiopians than there is in Taco Bell meat.

While it is a misnomer to call something meat that isn’t really meat, it is also incorrect to call most fast food, food.  While a lot of it tastes good going down you often get to keep tasting it for quite a while afterward and it’s not nearly as good the 2^nd and 3^rd time around.

If there were labels on fast food they would be required to have disclaimer statements that read something like, “If you bite into our food and you think you bit into cardboard and now want to sue us forget it, that was actually the food, ha-ha.”

The next time you bite into a chicken nugget from a fast food place you may want to ponder what it is a nugget of.

If fast food was compared to a relationship it would be like a series of one night stands.  That is unless you are firmly committed to one particular establishment, no t to mention any names, but if, for example, your favorite place promotes that there have been billions served, then you are probably a guy who goes out of his way to date really ugly fat girls.  In fairness, and not to be sexist, for a girl it would be someone who dates fat ugly guys.  And I do emphasize the fat because if this is the food you are eating you are probably already really fat yourself.

If fast food were politics there would be a lot of sleazy, slimy, backroom deals being made and it would get worse the bigger the fast food chain/government became… oh, never mind then, fast food and politics are already the same.

You sometimes hear about a rat or mouse or something else equally disgusting being found in fast food.  But it sounds like Taco Bell could increase the percentage of their meat in their “meat” if they weren’t so diligent about keeping the rodents out of the food.  Then again maybe they aren’t that diligent and that’s how they are getting 35% of their meat to be classified as meat.

Even the toys given out by some fast food chains can be hazardous to your health.  And this is not just because the kids try to eat the toys rather than the food.  There have been numerous instances of toy recalls because of the paint or dye (also known as die) on the toys, etc. etc.

I have to admit, though, the fast food mascots are actually pretty cool.  And they do make really good commercials.  I have to say I’m partial to Jack, from Jack–in-the-box commercial fame, with the Burger King, King coming in as a close second.  Now if they could just get the level of the food up to the level of the commercials I might be enticed to eat some of their food.  Even Taco Bell used to put out some good commercials back when they had the Chihuahuas in their ads.  Whatever happened to those ads?… Hey, wait a minute.  Maybe that is the source of how they are getting their meat up to the level of 35% actual meat.

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Funny Quotes by a Few Comedians

Here are some funny quotes by three different comedians:

Quotes by Spike Milligan

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."

Quotes by Denis Leary

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

Quotes by Tommy Cooper

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

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Funny Observations From Current Events – 01/25/11

Here are some funny observations based on the currents events over the past week:

There was a video on the Internet about how at Sea World they were brushing the sea lion’s teeth.  Of course, all the British sea lions headed in the opposite direction when the tooth brushes came out, they wanted nothing to do with dental care.

They now want to allow women in combat.  I think it’s a timing thing.  They should only be allowed to fight only when they are PMSing.  That would be a sure way to win any war.

Some sad news, Obama’s dog trainer died.  On the plus side though, she went fast so she didn’t have to deal with Obamacare.

In Germany a new court ruling says bosses can make women wear bras to work.  America is quite different.  Over here bosses want to be able to make women take their bras off during work.

Justin Bieber’s haircut cost $750.  Now there’s a candidate for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice show.  If he is paying that much to make his hair look that way, much less $750, he is a Donald Trump in the making.

Starbucks has come out with a new larger drink size called “Trenta”.  I guess it’s their way of telling the other coffee shops that “Mine is bigger than yours.”

I saw an Internet article about exercises for the face.   It appears their motto is “Let your ass keep growing but here’s an exercise you can do while sitting and not break a sweat.”  Unfortunately, it opens them up to being the butt of jokes.

According to a Travel and Leisure survey Los Angeles has the rudest people.  That is really bad when you consider Howard Stern doesn’t even live in Los Angeles.

There was a report this week that 1 in 12 sports fans leaves the stadium drunk.  And the figure would even goes higher if they were to include the athletes in those figures.

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Funny Quotes by Dave Barry

Here are some very funny quotes from humorist Dave Barry:

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."

"What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction."

"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."

"There's no way to know for sure without finding out what a "kg" is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness."

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/21/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." –Jay Leno

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"The state dinner went really well, until the after dinner speeches were hosted by Ricky Gervais." –Jay Leno

"Republicans voted today to repeal health reform. Democrats warned this could make it harder for older Americans to get health care. Hugh Hefner’s new fiance said, 'Good!'" –Jay Leno

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman fainted during a welcoming ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama said, 'Who knows CPR?' President Hu said, 'No, I don't.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"China's President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." –David Letterman

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it." –Jay Leno

"There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama's daughters and asked them, 'So what factories do you kids work at?'" –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?" –Jimmy Fallon

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The Government and “Hu” Done It

As if the government we have isn’t enough of a joke President Hu of China is visiting.   If that is not an Abbott and Costello routine waiting to happen I don’t know what is.  I’ll refrain, or at least try to.

Of course the Obama administration has all kind of grandiose plans to look good while he is here (or should I say while Hu is here…Who?), none of which will likely transpire, except for the appropriate ass kissing since China basically holds the mortgage on the US government.  Governments, in general, sort of live by the code of the Billy Crystal's “Fernando” character from Saturday Night Live, (for those of us old enough to remember) “It’s more important to look good than to feel good.”  Or in the case of the government it would be “It’s more important to look good than to be effective.”

So, the morning of Hu’s visit I’m sure the conversation between Barack Obama and Michelle Obama went something like this:

Michelle:  I forget who is coming today?

Barack:  That’s right, Hu. But what did you forget?

Michelle:  (confused and shaking her head)  What?

Barack:  No, there is no what, just Hu.

Michelle:  Huh?

Barack:  (laughs) Yeah, wouldn’t that be funny if his assistant was named Huh.

Michelle: (still confused) Whatever…Why are you putting lipstick on?

Barack:  Somebody has to kiss Hu’s ass and I couldn’t get Hillary to do it.

Michelle:  Wait, you’re kissing who’s ass?

Barack:  That’s right.

And it could have gone on like that for hours if Joe Biden had not walked in and said something stupid and prefaced it with the “F” word, forcing them to stifle a laugh until he left.  By that time they forgot all about the Hu/who conversation.

Okay, I said I wouldn’t do any of those “Hu” jokes.  But I guess I have about the same restraint as a democrat seeing something moving and trying not to tax it.

We’ll move on now to more idiocy from the government.  Since Obamacare is back in the news  and I said the word, idiocy, I’m sure that’s what popped into most people’s minds.  Republicans want to repeal it and Democrats want to keep it.  Keeping it falls under the category again of “looking good” rather than being effective.  It would be like promoting everyone getting a swine flu shot to handle the epidemic when there is no epidemic, just so they can say they did something.  Oh, wait a minute, bad example.  They actually did do that last year.

Keeping Obamacare, instead of just tearing it out from the roots would be like Donald Trump just trying to try comb his hair differently.  It’s not going to work.  There’s just too much insanity.  The only hope for The Donald would be to shave his head, just like the only hope for Obamacare is to yank it out by the roots and start over.

Anyway, the visit from Hu will be in the news for the next few days and the Obama administration will tells us what great strides they made with China.  The public will probably be wondering who really made great strides.  And the government will be thinking to itself, “That’s right, Hu made great strides.”

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Some More Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians II

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry

Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love, though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.
Mitch Hedberg

Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.
Drew Carey

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 01/18/11

Here are some funny observations as a result of keeping an eye on the news and the current events over the last week:

There is a chimpanzee in the news named Omega that wants to quit smoking.  He thinking of contacting that 2 year old Indonesian kid that was in the news a couple months ago that gave up a 2 pack a day habit for some tips.

Johnson and Johnson announced it’s recalling 47 million packages of non-prescription drugs, much of it Tylenol and Sudafed.  What a headache that must be for the executives of the company and now they’ll have nothing to take for it.

According to a report some doctors are now prescribing Prozac for heart disease.  The theory is it will make them so miserable from the other side effects that they will forget about the heart disease.

A few days ago there were birds in Romania that were getting drunk and falling out of the sky when they tried to fly.  Either that or they mistook American Airlines pilots for birds.

Martha Stewart was saying goodbye to her dog and the dog head-butted her giving her a fat lip.  After some women in Hollywood saw this they were thinking, “Hey, this could be better than Botox!”

Recently in one city a cat got called for jury duty.  That’s not so bad.  We also have jackasses serving in Congress.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” fame is coming out with her own line of handbags.  At first when I heard that I thought of the bags on her chest that she tries to get men to put their hands on, but apparently that was wrong.

There is so much talk these days about organic food.  Now if the Farmville animals and crops from Facebook would go organic too, Facebook fans could find a whole new way to waste time during their workdays, being fake farmers growing fake organic food and animals.

Recently a 4 year-old kid called 911 to tell on his dad.  When word gets out to the 4 year-old crowd this could lead to a rash of kids walking up to their parents with phone in hand, ready to dial saying, "Go ahead, make my day."

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Some More Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians

Here are some very funny jokes from mostly well know comedians:

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Mike Binder

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
Carrie Snow

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
Drew Carey

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/14/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians this week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and Craig Ferguson:

" Sarah Palin’s reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year." –Jay Leno

"Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession." –Jay Leno

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers." –Jay Leno

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Wikipedia is 10 years old this week. Well, I read that on Wikipedia, so it's probably not true." –Craig Ferguson

"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." – Jimmy Kimmel

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House." –Jay Leno

"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers." –Jay Leno

"Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it." –Jimmy Fallon

"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, 'Ha ha. You've got a girl's last name.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Death Sucks and More on the Subject

Today I’m going to wax philosophic more so than funny, so you are forewarned.  A couple of days ago a very good friend’s girlfriend died in a car crash.  People say that death is part of life but to be more accurate it is the end of life, not so much a part of it.

Less than a year ago my wife passed away, far too prematurely.  The older one gets the more people around you die.  You would think you would start to get used to it but that certainly hasn’t happened to me.  To me it still sucks.

I do have full certainty that a person , spiritually, does move onto another life after he or she dies.  You get a brand new start on things.  So, ironically, death affects the living much more than the ones who die.  My friend’s girlfriend’s death will affect so many people as do most deaths.  She was my friend too, by the way.  Three girls lost a mother.  Parents lost a daughter.  Aunts and uncles lost a niece.   My friend lost a lover and friend, etc. etc. and the beat goes on.

The senseless recent shooting in Tucson, Arizona will affect many people with six deaths and many injuries.  I’ve heard rumors that the shooter was on psychiatric drugs as is the case in almost all this kind of shootings over the last many years.  Has anyone taken note that this kind of mass shooting almost never took place 30 or more years ago.  Sadly, with the increase of psychiatric drug use they are almost becoming commonplace.  I think it would be more fitting if the killer is going to shoot someone that they should at least make it just the psychiatrist who got them onto the drug in the first place.  That might be too just for this insane planet, but one can always hope.

The good news is it is very possible for those who have lost loved ones to move on and still be happy.  It happened in my case.  I am in a wonderful new relationship now, very much in love.  If you’ve read my posts in the past you’ve seen some that she and I have written together, and from the responses I’ve gotten those articles are very popular.  You will see more and I certainly look forward to that myself.  We have very good chemistry (Hubba, hubba, if you get my meaning.   What the heck, I had to let loose a little bit here.)  It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten my former wife or that I still don’t love her or miss her because it is very true that I do.  But to dwell on what one doesn’t have won’t bring that person back and it will only serve to bring those around you down too.

Life is made of many experiences, death just happens to be part of those experiences.  Okay, okay, I’ll change my former stance that it is not part of life, but I do so under protest.

So, to my friend, continue to love her but don’t dwell on the loss.  Put that experience in the past because that is where it is.  Move onto the present and create the future.  Who knows, many lifetimes down the road you may meet again and create the love you recently had with gusto all over again.

But still, death does suck… just sayin’.

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More Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians

Here are some very funny one-liners.  Most of them are from very famous comedians and a few not so famous, but all very funny:

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Johnny Carson

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Dennis Miller

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
Phyllis Diller

The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
Ellen DeGeneres

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 01/11/11

Here are some funny observations that were made based on watching the news and what was happening around the world this week:

Reality star, Snooki, told Ellen DeGeneres in an interview that she is not trying to be a role model.  So, it looks like she can check that off as a done on her New Year's resolutions.

I saw an article about pygmy goats being a solution as a pet if a person is allergic to dogs or cats.  Plus, since goats eat everything it will also be a perfect solution to leaving stuff lying around the house.

An adult man recently got a tatoo of Justin Beiber on his thigh.  If they are "friends" on Facebook I'm guessing there is also a whole lot of poking going on as well.

Justin Beiber has said in a recent interview that fame is giving him insomnia.  He's worried because everything earlier than 16 years ago is blank.

The  Kardashian sisters are being sued for breach of conduct related to their prepaid credit cards, which proves the old saying that nothing is certain except death, taxes and girls with great bodies will make a lot of money and get sued.

MSN.com reported that in the recent past there have been numerous luggage disasters with the airlines like how 40 suitcases got covered in raw sewage.  So, apparently having a government organization like the TSA work so closely with the airlines is making the airlines smell just like the government.

Since Harry Reid wants to legalize Internet gambling why not make some extra money out of it for the government.  They can start a pool.  The grand prize winners will be whoever can predict the correct order of which will be the 1st 10 government economies to collapse.  It may be the best chance for the US to not be the first one.

"The View" is going to have its 3,000th episode.  They are hoping that by the 4,000th episode that Barbara Walters will have successfully mastered pronouncing the "V" in View.

Sara Palin's reality show has been cancelled.  Liberals are mourning the loss.

There has been a lot of talk about bed bugs recently, even in 5 star hotels.  This has led many members of Congress to inquire if they only use the room for an hour are they still likely to be attacked by the bugs?

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Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians

Here are some funny one liners from some famous and some not as famous comedians but they are all a good laugh:

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/07/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians this week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jon Stewart:

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." –David Letterman

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." –David Letterman

"President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." –Jay Leno

"They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom." –Jay Leno

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?" –Jay Leno

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." –Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." –Jay Leno

"Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop." –Jay Leno

"You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold back east, Christine O'Donnell is using her leftover campaign funds to buy a new house in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." –Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." –David Letterman

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Men Versus Women, the Debate Continues

Many females, when they order in a restaurant, like to order something that is not on the menu or at least they want to change what is on the menu.  So I’m guessing here, but it would appear that women don’t really get the concept of what a menu is.

See, a menu is to tell you what the restaurant actually sells to the customer.  Men will look at the menu and order something that they see on the menu.  When a man goes into a hardware store he doesn’t ask the store clerk to change things for him.  He sees what they have and buys it or doesn’t.  He doesn’t go to the clerk and ask, “Do you have a saw that could also serve as a sander and can dig holes for you at the same time.”

Men don’t generally do that.  First of all we don’t like to ask questions.  It makes us look like we don’t know what is going on and we like to always look cool.  Oh yeah, we know how to handle any situation. Like when the car breaks down.  Even if we’ve never worked on a car or maybe even never got our hands dirty before we’ll still lift the hood and hope that something will magically go right when we do it.  Our wife might say it sounds like something is loose.  We’ll shake our heads and laugh condescendingly.  Then we look under the hood and if our wife isn’t looking we start to pray for help because we have no clue.  But we never admit that.

Many women will freely admit when they don’t know how to do something.  And with that we men can totally agree.  JUST KIDDING!!

That is actually where men will fall into a trap because the women will admit they don’t know how to do something so that they can get the men to do it.  They know we are stupid and egotistical enough to try to figure it out or at least hire someone to do the work for us and then take credit for it.  Either way the job gets done and then the women can go to lunch with their girlfriends and laugh at their spouses so really it works out well for everyone.

Of course, when they are ordering their lunch they’ll order something that’s not on the menu, which brings us back to the original topic.  Here’s a woman ordering:

Woman:  I’d like a tossed salad.  But could you also put a little ham and turkey on it.  Oh, and maybe a little bacon.

Waiter:  So it sounds like you want a Cobb salad then.

Woman:  Oh no, I just want a small amount of those items.  And then can you make a dressing for me that no one ever heard of before and the chef will have to experiment with it 5 times and I probably won’t be happy no matter what it tastes like anyway.  Oh, and could you put that in 3 separate cups surrounding my salad and possibly perform a dance while you serve it.

Alright, she won’t actually say those words but that is what it amounts to.  And after waiting on the rest of the women at the table with the same kind of orders the waiter will go back into the kitchen and try to jump into a vat of hot grease to put himself out of his misery.

So it’s pretty hard to tell who is more screwed up, men or women.  I guess we can call it a draw.  (At least until a few men get together over a beer or a cup of coffee.  Then this story has an entirely different ending.)

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Funny New Year's Resolutions of the Rich and Famous

Here are some funny New Year's resolutions that I'm guessing might have been made by some famous people this year:

President Obama has sworn off any new tax cuts and has promised his liberal base he would attend tax cutter's anonymous.

To his new non-partisan fans Obama has pledged no new stimulus packages.

Last one for Obama, he has promised to not add any more new personalities to his Schizophenia.   (The current ones include centrist, non-partisan, Muslim, Christian,Kenyan, American, communist, socialist and liberal, et. al.)

Hillary Clinton has resolved to never be seen in public in anything but a pants suit.  (Okay, she doesn't like to make new resolutions so she just carries them over from one year to the next, e.g. "keep an eye on Bill, he may be cheating," is one she's had since they've been married.)

Larry King, now that he no longer has his show, has resolved to spend more time with his family.  In other words, he wants to have sex with other family members, not just his sister-in-law.

Al Gore has resolved to no longer be boring.   (Oops! Another resolution that never made it past  January 1st.)

Credit card companies have resolved to no longer be arbitrary in their decisions to cancel people's credit or raise interest rates.  From now on they will simply make all their decisions with the flip of a coin.

Ben Bernake, since dropping money out of helicopters has not worked metaphorically, has vowed to literally drop money out of helicopters.

Congress has vowed to take on the really big issues such as a playoff series for college football and take on those little pesky issues like war, the economy and jobs when they can find the time.

Lindsay Lohan has resolved to write a new book this year entitled, Sobriety for the Insane.

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Famous Comedian Quotes

Here are some fast funny jokes from famous comedians:

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love . (Woody Allen)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle )

A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )

To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. (Eddie Izzard )

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.(Jerry Seinfeld)

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )

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