I had posted some or all of these jokes at some time or another previously but Steven Wright is a very funny guy when you are looking for a fast laugh, so it is worth another round:
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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