Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:
Top Ten Signs You're Too Hot
10 You were just named People Magazine's "Sweatiest Man Alive"
9 For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants
8 You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen
7 You were caught texting photos of your heat rash
6 Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen
5 Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"
4 Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids
3 Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)
2 Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon
1 You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning
Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing
10 Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot "Green Acres"
9 Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin
8 They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys
7 The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles
6 Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger
5 Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna
4 Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas
3 Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks
2 President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching "Ironside"
1 Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack
10 "Hey, free pie!"
9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"
8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"
7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"
6 "Duh, winning?"
5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"
4 "Mmmm tasty"
3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"
2 "Don't pie me, bro!"
1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"
Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom From Dave's Mom
10 Paying taxes is for losers
9 Neighbor's stereo too loud? Cut his power lines
8 If you're going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first
7 Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink
6 If you catch a player's 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette
5 Always tip the dealer
4 No one cares how you feel
3 There's big money in black market cigarettes
2 Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane
1 Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez
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