Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 06/04/10

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week, including Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon.

"The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"As you know, we're right in the middle of a process called 'top kill.' Doesn't it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s?" –Jay Leno

"BP says if 'top kill' fails, they'll try something called the 'junk shot.' Hey, worked last night for the Lakers." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day." –Jimmy

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno

"British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the PR damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge." –Jay Leno

"And a new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they're John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"And now, here's something that's going to get a lot of people upset. It turns out according to a report by the Interior Department Inspector General, employees of the Federal agency that inspects these offshore oil rigs accepted gifts from the oil companies. And you know who arranged the payoffs? Fergie." –Jay Leno

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Politicians Were Kids Too

I just saw a headline that said, ”Extinct Species Returns?”  Suddenly, I had hope that someone had discovered an honest politician, but the hope was drained out of me when I looked at the article and found out it was about some pre-historic species.  Maybe I should have still read the article.  The last honest politician could have gone back to that era.

I guess the next thing to ponder is, are politicians people who were always sleaze balls or did they become sleazy after they got a taste of power?  My answer is a cop out.  There is probably a lot of both.

There are obvious examples for the “always been a sleaze ball” side.  I can just imagine Richard Nixon in first grade and his teacher asked, “Who stole little Johnny’s lunch money?”  I’m absolutely sure Nixon jumped up, arms spread into his victory sign and fingers on both hands doing the same, saying,  “I am not a crook.”

Then there is John Edwards.  His mother tells 6 year old John that they are going to the doctor for his checkup and he tells his mom, “It’s okay mommy I don’t need to go to the doctor.  I just played doctor with MaryBeth a few minutes ago.”

Next up is Bill Clinton and his mother said…wait a minute, this one is just about exactly the same as John Edwards.

Then we have Ted Kennedy, that’s a very similar story too except his has another little twist to it.  After he tells his mom he doesn’t need to go to the doctor he adds, “…and I don’t need to go to church either because after we played doctor then I pretended I was a priest and baptized her by ducking her head in the water.”

Well, I was going to stop with 3 examples but I’m having way too much fun.  Barack Obama’s mother said it was time for him to go to the doctor and he told her he wouldn’t go unless all the other kids in the neighborhood got to go too, and she had to pay for them all.

Of course, there was Dick Cheney who took his friend to the dump to shoot rats with his sling shot.  But since he was the only rat there he still wanted to shoot something so he “accidentally” shot his friend in the face.

On the less evil side of the equation we have George Bush, who wasn’t particularly sleazy as a kid, but he did want to be pushed around in his stroller so he could just go along for the ride until he was just too big for it, which was when he turned 13.  Even then he didn’t want a whole lot of responsibility so he let his uncle tell him what to do all the time and he took credit for it, whether it was good or bad.

Not surprisingly, we have a whole lot more politicians that fall into the first category rather than the second.  Unfortunately, when they are trying to get elected they all tend to do their best Heidi Montag impression, meaning they don’t show their true face, but once they are elected they suddenly show how two faced they can actually be.

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Some Nancy Pelosi Jokes

Here are some jokes about Nancy Pelosi from the late night comedians over the last few years:

"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support." –Jay Leno, on the passage of health care reform

"Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." –Jay Leno

"Before the health care vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow." –Jay Leno

"Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time...You know, unlike Congress." --Jay Leno

"According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular girls name in America right now is Emma. The least popular girls name: Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they're in trouble, 'He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!'" --Jay Leno

"They say Nancy Pelosi was aware, as far back as 2003 that we tortured and didn't raise any questions about it. Which raises the big question: what did Nancy Pelosi know, and when was she going to tell her face?" --Bill Maher

"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon

"It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary's inauguration. It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming. In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"Many Republicans are upset with ... Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32 -- the same type of aircraft the Vice President and the first lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington Cleopatra-style." --Amy Poehler

"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said today we've waited 200 years for this. 200 years? How many face lifts has this woman had?" --Jay Leno

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Funny Observations from the Past Week - 06/01/10

Here are some funny observations from reading the news last week.  So it isn't all bad, it just depends on how you look at things.

A 95 year old lady from Alabama got her college degree last week.  It turns out she never intended to go to college.  She was on her way to the Social Security office and she got lost and ended up enrolling  in college when she thought she was signing up for her Social Security  check.

President Obama has sent 1,200 National Guard troops to the Mexican border.  They are there searching for Osama Bin Laden.

Next he’ll be sending airport security to the border to make sure none of the illegal aliens cross the border with nail clippers or toothpaste tubes bigger than 3 oz.

The BP oil leak is officially a disaster now because Joe Biden was heard whispering in Obama’s ear that “this is a big f___ing deal.”

BP executives are very concerned about various species going extinct from the oil spill.  The species they are most concerned about are BP executives.

The Sex and the City sequel opened recently.  They are already planning the next one.  But since the girls are getting a little older now that one will be called Menopause in the City.

Heidi  Montag and Spencer Platt have split up.  She is reportedly drowning her sorrow at the plastic surgery bar.

Seattle residents recently told their mayor they want a nude beach.  Not so they can soak up the sun since it rains there all the time.  It‘s just that the economy is so bad they are afraid they won’t be able to keep a shirt on their backs.

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