Friday, February 26, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week-02/26/10

Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.

"It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time." –Craig Ferguson

"About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson

"There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell." –Craig Ferguson

"I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free." –Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back." –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder." –David Letterman

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Why Tax Season Can Be So Taxing

We are into the beginning of tax season once again.  It’s that time of year when we can all feel like a congressman’s mistress after a sexual liaison.  And satisfied is definitely not the word I was thinking of.

Tax season is when we can all feel like we are government employees.  The difference is that some of the employees get a check and the rest of us give our check to them.  So, again we are back to that word I was thinking of in the first paragraph that was definitely not “satisfied”.  Sex was not going to be the theme of this article but it seems to be so far, just not the fun kind, more like the kind you could expect on a blind date with Mike Tyson.

When someone calls the IRS for tax help on their toll-free number there is only a 70% chance that you will actually talk to a live person ( and when you do talk to a live IRS agent “live” becomes a relative term.)  And then when someone is fortunate enough to talk to a person the conversation often goes something like this:

IRS agent: This is the IRS, may I help you?

Joe Q. Public:  ...What? Is that a real person or did I actually die during the wait and I’m now in heaven?

IRS Agent:  Well, sir, if you had died and you were talking to the IRS you would certainly not be in heaven.

(Author’s note:  Even an IRS agent can have a sense of humor…at least in my article.)

Joe Q. Public:  Okay, so, I have some questions.  I’m looking at line 13 of my tax form and I’m not sure how to answer it.

IRS Agent:  Technically that is not a question.  You’ll have to ask your question with a question format.

Joe Q. Public:  (impatiently)  Okay, what does line 13 mean?

IRS Agent:  What does anything really mean?  Is there really any meaning in life?

(Author’s note again:  A real IRS agent is not intelligent enough to even feign a philosophical attitude but I am using artistic license.)

Joe Q. Public:  Huh? Oh, never mind. Let’s go to the next question.  I am raising chickens in my back yard so I can afford to give my family eggs for breakfast each morning.  Can I get a deduction out of that?

IRS Agent:  No, you should be going out for breakfast to help the economy.  That is two strikes against you.  Three strikes and you get an automatic audit.

Joe Q. Public:  Two strikes?  What was my first strike?

IRS Agent:  The line 13 question.

Joe Q. Public:  (exasperated) But you never told me anything about line 13…Oh, never mind.

He hangs up the phone.  The IRS Agent looks to her superior who was listening in on the conversation.  He gives her a wink and a pat on the back and says, “Good job, if we start giving the public answers they’ll think we actually have an idea of what we’re doing.”

And there you have it, government efficiency at its best.  Now you understand why GM has a plan to save itself by producing a new model of car called the Chevy Clunker.  They’ll be able to sell them all to the government for cash.

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Income Tax Jokes from the Late Night Comedians

As we get closer to the dreaded income tax season I thought this might be a good time for some tax jokes from the past few years from the late night comedians.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?" —Jay Leno

"We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated." —Jay Leno

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." —Jay Leno

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." —Jay Leno

"At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." —Conan O'Brien

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." —David Letterman

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Comedy Religion

Laughter is said to be the best medicine.  That makes it food for thought as well.  Laughter is a very versatile thing so maybe I should start a new religion called the “comedy religion”.

We’ll do things a little different though in our church:

Whenever we have a church service we won’t pass a collection plate but there will be a 2 drink minimum.

Instead of singing hymns the choir will recite Henny Youngman one-liners.

Our ministers, instead of wearing a white collar, will wear the traditional Groucho nose and glasses.

We’ll have a weekly confessional where a person can come and confess all the bad jokes he told in the last week.

And lastly, our congregation won’t have to kneel to pray but we will expect them to occasionally roll in the aisle.

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Some Quotes from P.J. O'Rourke

Here are some  funny quotes from the humorist P. J. O'Rourke:

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes 02-19-10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  (I can't wait until Leno is back on the air, he is the best in my opinion by far.)

"And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he's going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"There's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for 'fabulous.'" –David Letterman

"In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It's all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores." –David Letterman

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They're vacation activities. I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as 'commuting.' " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses." –David Letterman

"Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month...Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota." –David Letterman

"Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. On Presidents' Day, we celebrate America's presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I think it was President Kennedy who said, 'Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I'm thinking, how exactly would that work? 'They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I'm very, very angry. It's time for jihad.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa's dentures fly off." –Craig Ferguson

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Obama and the Magic Beans

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Obama.  He lived on a farm and even though he was just a boy he was in charge of the farm.  No one really knew how he got there or why he was in charge but he was, to be sure.  Some say it was due to the magic of the barnyard that got him there and that young Obama learned his trade by shoveling out the barnyard.  But others felt that he was just a natural at shoveling and that it is how he somehow convinced all the people at the farm to let him be in charge (but that is the story of another fairy tale.)

One day young Obama found these magic beans.  A voice from the sky told him that if he planted these beans it would grow jobs for all the people who lived around the great big farm.  He wasn’t sure how this could work but if the voice told him it was true he knew it must be.

So young Obama knew he had to rely greatly on his shoveling skills to plant these beans.  He would also need the help of the 535 farmhands that worked on the farm to plant these beans.  Fortunately, a prerequisite for being a farmhand was to be extra good at shoveling, in many cases that was their only skill.  Young Obama also thought of another farmhand named Joe and maybe Joe could help.  He ran out to find Joe but when he saw him he was just sitting on a pile of hay with a piece of grass between his teeth and staring off into space.  Young Obama thought Joe was daydreaming about how one day he would be in charge and young Obama knew that Joe was not going to be of much help.  As a side note, young Obama heard a noise on the other side of the stack of hay that sounded like grunting.  He went to check it out but it was just the guy who used to run the farm, Bill, with a young woman from town rolling around together.  Young Obama smiled but he knew he had no time to watch this, he had to get these magic beans planted or he wouldn’t be running the farm for very much longer.

Young Obama went to find old Harry.  He was in charge of the farmhands and he was very good at shoveling and getting others to shovel.  The only problem was that there were farmhands that worked only on the left side of the farm and others that worked only on the right side of the farm and they would always argue with each other.  They never wanted to work together.  This was a problem for young Obama.

Young Obama also called upon another of the main farmhands, a lady named Nancy.  She was excellent at shoveling but it seemed that sometimes she shoveled the holes so deeply that they were too difficult to get out of.  Not only that, young Obama had a hard time looking at Nancy because her face seemed plastic and she never was able to smile except through great effort.  This problem of getting the beans planted was getting more and more difficult and time was becoming a factor.  If these beans didn’t get planted soon young Obama’s friends on the left side of the farm were going to be replaced by new farmhands.  (What young Obama didn’t realize was that it would be just a new set of shovelers shoveling the same old stuff, but he was still mighty concerned.)

Suddenly a bright idea came to young Obama.  It didn’t matter how well the beans would grow into jobs if he hired bean counters who used calculators with a held down seven.  In that way no matter what number was punched into the calculator it would always be multiplied by seven and he would look good no matter what.  Problem solved.

So, somehow young Obama got the farmhands to plant the beans but it was done sloppily and without much forethought and the beans grew a little but they were not healthy, robust beans and they didn’t make many jobs as the voice from the sky had promised.  But young Obama always did have a backup plan in case the magic beans failed him.  He could always blame that big bush that was in the middle of the field, saying that it had poisoned his beans.  And so he did.  And young Obama lived happily ever after (at least for the next 3 years.)

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Some Steve Allen Quotes

Here are some quotes from Steve Allen, who was an extremely quick witted comedian and entertainer as well as the founder and original host of the Tonight Show:

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake.

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Technology Can be Real Pain

Here is some technology humor that all you addicted texters may identify with.

These days people who text a lot often complain about sore fingers and thumbs.  Talk about karma, it was these same people who 30 years ago caused bullies on the playground to get sore fingers from giving the current texters  so many noogies.

The real reason Tiger Woods had to take off from the golf tour is not to get sex addiction counseling.  He needed time for his fingers to recover from all the texting he was doing to the cocktail waitresses, hookers and porn stars that he was seeing.

Many people with lap tops are complaining of sore necks and backs from straining to see their laptops, very similar to members of the Obama administration straining to see results from anything they’ve done in the last year.

Construction workers are planning to have a pity party for all the people complaining of their injuries from texting.

“Text thumb” and BlackBerry neck” injuries are getting so prominent that some people are considering using their cell phones to actually talk out loud to people.

….and finally, on another note, there has been a recent uproar about debarking of dogs, a procedure in dogs where the vocal cords are cut out so they can’t bark.  People are saying it is inhumane for dogs but many feel for Congress it could be a really productive procedure.

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Monday, February 15, 2010

President's Day Humor

Here is some President's day humor that was sent to me by some readers.  There is one for Lincoln and one for Washington:

A man was sitting at the bar during a costume party when someone went up to him and said, "Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?" The man said, "I am." The other guy said, "You look like Abe Lincoln." The man said, "That's right. My last 4 scores were 7 years ago."

George Washington and the Cherry Tree

There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding new information regarding George Washington's famous line "I can not tell a lie - I chopped down the Cherry Tree" It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the following discussion and copied this on parchment.

"George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that trust, I'm going to believe you."

Seven Months Later...

"George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry tree last winter. Did you?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?"

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Friday, February 12, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes for the Week - 02/12/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — 'cushions.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, 'well.' When asked why he was being vague, he was like, 'because.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They're building snow-bamas all over the place." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, be glad you're not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don't think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi  had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs." –Jay Leno

"It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read." –Jay Leno

"And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn't have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, 'I'm wearing no pants.' I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign." –Jay Leno

"But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He's going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They'll put it on the back burner and hope it melts." –David Letterman

"And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they're wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That's what they were doing." –David Letterman

"President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

It’s Time for a Lack of Action From Congress

Last weekend the east coast experienced one of the worst blizzards in recorded history, which must have Al Gore scratching his head and saying, “At least that Internet thingee I invented worked out.”

I always like to look for the positive in things and since Washington D. C. was one of the worst areas hit with the blizzard at least it prevented Congress from doing anything stupid for a few days and that is an exceptionally good thing.

Congress, or more broadly politicians in general, don’t have the best reputation.  But to be fair they have helped a lot of people.  For example, there are many stand-up comics who would have nothing to say if it wasn’t for Congress and other politicians.  And think of all the hookers who would be out on the street if it weren’t for politicians (to clarify, the politicians keep them off the streets by having them in their bedrooms.)  And think of all the women who are the mistresses of these guys, what are they supposed to do go out and get a job?  But the line has to be drawn somewhere, Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, outsourced his adultery  to another country and I don’t think that’s right, unemployment is already too high.  There are plenty of women in this country who could have supplied the same services.

I am comforted, though, that some in Congress are championing the efforts to replace the BCS with a legitimate college football playoff. There could be chaos in the streets if we let sports writers vote on which is the best college football team.   And thank god they are up in arms about the use of steroids in professional sports.  Everyone knows that can lead to more dangerous drugs, and if Americans started taking illegal drugs we’d really have a problem then!

And now the House of Congress has voted to raise the debt limit.  I’m sure the Senate will follow suit.  In other words every time you reach the limit of money you have to spend all you have to do is raise the limit.  I wonder if there is a congressperson that can even spell the word “economics”.  Currently, the nation owes $40,000 for every person in the country (I’m not sure if that includes the illegal aliens.)  So I thinking I’d like to receive my in gold!

What can congressmen (I’m laying off the congresswomen for now, but I have lots to say about Nancy Pelosi, et. al., perhaps the subject of another article! ) be thinking when they are working.  Here’s my guess:

Congressman #1:  Hey, did you read any of that last bill we voted for?

Congressman #2:  (laughs) Uh, let me ask you this, were they any pictures of naked women in the bill?

Congressman #1:  Not that I know of, I would have looked at it myself if someone told me there were.

Congressman #2:  Exactly, now don’t waste my time with stupid questions.

Congressman #1:  Sorry, here’s a legitimate question for you.  Did you see the new hottie  at the coffee stand out front?

Congressman #2:  Wow!  Did I ever!  I’ll tell you, I’ve got a stimulus plan for that babe.

So, back to that snow storm I mentioned in the beginning, is there anyway we could keep that going over Washington D.C. until… I don’t know, say about June.  Maybe we could get Al Gore to invent  something  that will make it happen!

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Some Valentine's Day Humor

Here is a collection of some humor for Valentine's day that was sent to me by some readers.

 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Valentine's Day One-liners

  • Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
  • Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.

Worst thing you can say on a first date

  • I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
  • I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
  • I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
  • Wait till my wife hears about this!
  • I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

Special Gifts

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day! Simple things like:

*  Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine,
*  Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine!

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Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.

Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway.

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

It Could Be Worse – Issue VI

Every now and again I cheer people up by pointing out how things could really be much worse than they really are.  Here are a few samples:

It could be worse:  You could be an important Naval Officer and you think the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be repealed but you are embarrassed to say anything because of your rank, which is “Rear Admiral”.

It could be worse:  You could have been told to stop driving your Toyota because the gas pedal might stick and the brakes may not work and you’d like to comply but you can’t because your gas pedal is stuck and the brakes are not working.

It could be worse:  You could be attacked by a hungry bear but after seeing your body close up he decides not to eat you because he is on a low fat diet.

It could be worse:  You could be a guy who asks Lady Gaga out on a date and she turns you down because she thinks you are a little too odd for her taste.

It could be worse:  You could be a dentist that specializes in tooth whitening and you want to set up your business in England.

It could be worse:  You really love football but you’re from Detroit ( I could stop there but I’ll continue) so you have vowed to never watch the Super Bowl until the Detroit Lions are playing in it.

It could be worse:  You could be John Edwards and  you feel you have to keep sleeping with different women until you find one that has hair as well kept as yours.

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Monday, February 8, 2010

Some Bob Hope Quotes

Here are some jokes from on of the all time great comedians, Bob Hope:

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like to play golf in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Best of the Week's Jokes From Late Night - 02/05/10

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born." –Jay Leno

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for 'Up in the Air,' Jeremy Renner for 'The Hurt Locker,' and President Obama for the 'State of the Union.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Advice That’s Not always Nice

For this week’s article we have a guest columnist, who may return periodically, assuming I’m not arrested or burned in effigy as a result of the advice she gives out.  Please welcome Darnfunnyonline’s new advice columnist, “Dear Crabby”.

Now for the questions from our readers:

Dear Crabby,

I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body.  I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it.  It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn’t know what to think.  What should I have done?

Embarrassed in North Dakota

Dear Embarrassed,

Since you said your “old, dear friend” I’m guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it’s cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times.  So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way.  If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter.  After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow.  So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty.  The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m a college student and I think I might be pregnant.  What should I do?

Oops! In Oregon

Dear Oops,

First of all I’m assuming you’re blonde.  Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom?  As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I’m guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It’s probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.)  Go to that building and look up birth control.  Next, stop getting drunk on dates.  And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it’s because they have good food at reasonable prices.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  Any advice?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

I was wrong.  I thought I couldn’t getter any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl’s above, but you have humbled me.  I’m gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak.  My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)

Crabby

Thank you for reading “Dear Crabby” and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters “Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady” and “Dear Menopausal Woman”.

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Groundhog Day Jokes a Day Later

I realize I'm a day late with the Groundhog day humor but there are some holidays you just don't want to end, so here you go (stuff that was sent to me):

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

11. It's on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows".

3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney".

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I?ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Jokes from the Recent News

Here are some jokes that are based on recent happenings around the country, which depending how you look at things can always be a source of humor.

It has been such a cold winter in many places this year, including even Florida with record lows, that homeless people were found burning Al Gore in effigy, not because they were mad at him, but just to keep warm.

Lawmakers in New Jersey recently passed a new law okaying medical marijuana for people with severe illnesses such as cancer, AIDS and Lou Gehrig’s disease.  Afterward, outside the capitol building, there were a bunch of potheads wearing Yankee caps saying, “I consider-sider-sider myself-self-self the luckiest man on the face-ace-ace of the earth-rth-rth.”

Harry Reid called Obama a ”light skinned Afro-American with no Negro dialect”, which made him electable in the 2008 election.  Now recently the former governor of Illinois, Blagojevich, was quoted in Esquire magazine as saying “He’s blacker than Obama.”  So, we can now all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that Blagojevich is no longer electable to government office.

John Edward’s wife filed for divorce recently citing irreconcilable differences, plus the fact that he was definitely NOT too big to fail.

The Fair Tax people, which is a group promoting a National Sales tax to replace the IRS have legitimately claimed that if their plan was implemented many new jobs would be created.  Can you imagine how good it could be if they used the Obama administration method of counting new jobs after the stimulus?  There would be more jobs that there are people.

President Obama is getting so unpopular he could disguise himself as a fire hydrant and his dog wouldn’t even appreciate him…. When former President Bush was asked what he thought of the job Obama was doing he was quoted as saying, “nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. nayh, nayh.”…Even the Socialist party in the US is distancing itself from Obama….All the democrats are hoping the 2.0 version of the Obama presidency will be released well before the November elections (and that it is better than the typical Microsoft "improved" versions).

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Monday, February 1, 2010

Some George Burns Quotes

Here are some one-liners from George Burns.  These mostly have to do with old age, but he was funny even before he used the age gag.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

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