Thursday, March 31, 2011

Get Ready to Laugh, It’s Started Already

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Already the presidential candidates are lining up for the 2012 election.    On the plus side, this leaves us no doubt that comedians and comedy writers of all shapes and sizes and jokesters on the street will have plenty of fodder for the next year and a half.  The down side is that in each election year the BS tops the previous election and it’s getting hard to find boots big enough to walk through it all.

Some true fun is developing though on the Republican side.  Donald Trump look likes he’s going to run and frankly I’m a little giddy about that.  I can’t imagine we’d ever run out of hair jokes.  We probably would but it would be great while it lasts.  If he was president and Congress thought they had grounds for impeachment they could just shortcut the process and tell him, “You’re fired!” Trump may just be the sleeper in the election because he has shown his qualifications by having formerly run several casinos into bankruptcy, so he would certainly know how to run a country that’s already there.

It’s certainly no secret Sarah Palin is going to run, even if she hasn’t officially announced it yet.  She’s been about a subtle as John Edwards and his love affair with his hair brush.

Apparently, Obama is ready to file for re-election in the next few weeks.  Finally, he’ll be able to get back to what he is good at; making promises he can’t keep.  Elections bring back great memories for him.  Just the other day he was reminiscing about his first teleprompter, which he bought when he was in elementary school when he ran for president of the Foreign Soil Born Club.  He beat out a couple of Mexican kids who were illegal aliens by lying about all the things he could do for the school and he’s been trying to make it up to them ever since.

With the promised hope and change, the economy, Obamacare, the stimulus, the bailouts and Libya to name six right off the top of my head, you could say Obama has some issues.  It almost makes you envious of his dog, Bo, who has a much better chance than the rest of us of slipping into the Oval office and lifting his leg to the administration.

I’m not saying I don’t like Obama but I have to admit if his presidency had a fan page on Facebook I would not be likely to click “like” on it. Part of the reason for that is that I think he has poked the American people way too many times to get the benefit of the doubt.  And I’m definitely not referring to poking in the Facebook sense.

Everybody is interested to see if Hillary is going to run again, except for Bill.  He figures if there is going to be a female president he at least wants to be able to hit on her.

Joe Biden is not likely to ever run for President again, heck , he's just hoping Obama doesn't dump him in 2012.  The American public knows him too well by now.  But four years with him as president would be a comedy writer’s dream come true, at the same time as he would be the public’s nightmare.

There are many lesser known candidates that are already showing their heads.  It should be a very interesting year and a half until the election, at least we’ll get to laugh at it.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

More Best Democrat Jokes Over the Last Year

Here are some more of the best jokes from the late night comedians about the democrats over the last year:

''When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good.'' —Jay Leno

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.''' —Conan O'Brien

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events - 03/29/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations that were made as a result of  keeping my eye on the current events:

I saw a headline that said Tiger Woods had a swing app for IPhones and IPads. At first I thought, WOW! Then I realized it was for his golf swing.

The model of the new face for the Ken doll will be a former Iowa football player.  They were thinking of using Charlie Sheen’s face because he is so “winning”.  But then they would have had to make Barbie a crack using porn star so they decided against it.

I saw another headline that said Katie Couric was catching a ride on Bill Clinton’s plane.  I hope that was a literal statement rather than metaphorical because I think Katie is married.

Barry Bonds said he didn’t know he was taking steroids.  He saw everybody else’s body parts getting bigger too so he didn’t think it was a big deal.  But the thing was, with most people it was their ass, with him it was his head.

NFL football Hall of Famer, Lawrence Taylor, was convicted of having sex with an underage prostitute.  He said he didn’t know she was that young and also was quoted saying, “In the world of Prostitution you never know what you are going to get.”  (I thought Forrest Gump’s mom said it was in a box of chocolates you never know you’re going to get.)  Anyway, this should serve as a lesson to all you “johns” out there, only use hookers who are registered with the Better Business Bureau.

The code name for our war in Libya is “Odyssey Dawn”, which sounds like the name of a porn star.  That’s very appropriate because the American people are bound to get screwed in this deal.

After the war is over President Obama is promising the Libyan people hope and change and then he’s going to get them all on Obamacare too.

Last week an air traffic controller at the Reagan National Airport fell asleep on the job.  The good news is he wasn’t goofing off, he was just passed out from being drunk.

Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name.  Now she’ll just be known as Lindsay.  She wants to drop the association with her father’s last name.  It will also make it less she has to remember when she wakes up from a drug induced stupor.

Apparently, there is a new phenomenon called Facebook Depression.  I assume this is what happens when you realize you don’t know anything about most of your “friends”, you realize all the work you did on Farmville wasn’t real and getting poked isn’t anything like having sex.

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Monday, March 28, 2011

Best Democrat Jokes Over the Last Year

Here are some of the very best jokes about democrats over the last year or so from the late night comedians:

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. ... But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.'' —Bill Maher

''President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.'' —Conan O'Brien

“The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel.'' —Conan O'Brien

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.'' —David Letterman

''Google has announced that they're going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It's fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.'' —Craig Ferguson

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Friday, March 25, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/25/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi.  First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French." –Jay Leno

"Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down." –Jay Leno

"We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize." –Jay Leno

"According to a new study, hangovers get worse as you age. The older you are, the worse it is to get bombed. Khadafi said, 'Tell me about it.'" –Jay Leno

"According to reports, Khadafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O’Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head." –David Letterman

"Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant." –David Letterman

"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One." –David Letterman

"President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We know more about President Obama’s basketball picks than his plans for Libya." –Jay Leno

"California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn't good enough for him anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

'President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven't been any games in a few days. It's been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan." –Jimmy Fallon

"Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars." –Jay Leno

"Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here." –Jay Leno

"Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts popping, get the hell out." –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper” –David Letterman

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Reason Why Men are Whipped

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

This past week a Biblical Scholar came out and said that God was married.  Finally, we can have more of an understanding why a good, benevolent God would cause such things as disease, hardship, earthquakes, hurricanes, pestilence, etc.

I’m not saying that women can drive men a little crazy sometimes…okay, well maybe I am, but I only mean it in a good way… (Quick guys, somebody help me out of the corner I trapped myself into here.)

Well, since no one came to my defense it is just more evidence that all the men were afraid because their women tend to be control freaks.  Yes, I know that is a generalization and it is totally untrue.  It’s just the married women who are control freaks.

I have a theory about this…which upon speculation I have decided to keep totally to myself.  I thought that might be wise based on the hot breath I felt on my neck.  And trust me; this is not the good type of hot breath that we men fantasize about.  It’s more like a specter of death kind of hot breath that warned me to keep my mouth shut.  (See, I told you they were control freaks-ouch!)

Women like to think that they don’t want their men to be “whipped”, yet, in reality, they like to feel like they control everything about their man.  They won’t use the term in public but when they get behind closed doors where it is just women talking I’d bet it is one of the most common words in their vocabulary!  This is kind of like Charlie Sheen and “winning”.  For women their version of “winning” is “whipped”.

Here is an example of a woman having her man “whipped”:

Wife: Honey, I need you to take out the trash right away, it’s starting to overflow.

Husband:  I’ll do it in a little while.  I’m busy right now.

Wife:   You said the same thing a few hours ago.  You’re sitting on your chair doing nothing.

Husband:  That’s just the way it appears.  For all you know I could be saving the world here while I’m deep in my thought processes.

Wife:  That’s great Ghandi, but how about saving the world after you take out the trash.  We’re going to have our own crisis of great proportions right here in this house if you don’t do it now!

Husband:  Fine, I’ll do it, but the fate of the world is on your head.

Wife:  I’ll bear that burden…And while you’re up run to the store and get a few things.  I’ll make a list.

(The husband is grumbling to himself as he walks out the door.)

Wife:  (Gets a big smile and says to herself) Duh, whipped.

In reality, it only appears we men are whipped.  We are not stupid… okay, maybe a little bit.  But what we really are is sly like a fox.  If we let you women think you are in control of everything we get out of an awful lot of work and that plays right into our hands.  Because, what we are more than anything is lazy and shiftless.  I think it’s safe to say the men win that round…wait…At least I think we do.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - VI

Here are some very funny quotes by mostly famous people:

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. -Carl Sundberg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. –James Brown

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. –Will Rogers

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. –Hillary Clinton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. –Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. –Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. –Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? –Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. –Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? –Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. –Laurence J. Peter

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. –George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. –Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. –Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. –Dave Barry

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. –Johnny Vegas

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. –H. L. Menchen

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. –Lenny Bruce

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. –Henry Kissenger

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. –Bill Vaughan

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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It Could Be Worse – Issue 15

This is the time when we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than we actually view them.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be one of the featured models in the new Al Qaeda women’s magazine but no one will ever know it because your body and face are fully covered.

2)      Or you could be a model for the new Al Qaeda woman’s magazine and the only part of your body you are unhappy with are your slightly puffy ankles and that is the only part that will ever be seen.

3)      You could be President Obama and know you are going to be unemployed in 2012 but you know there won’t be any money left for unemployment benefits by then.

4)      You could be the arm rest between two fat guys on an airplane.

5)      You could be the month of March and all the other months make fun of you because of your madness.

6)      You could have been the wife of God, as some Biblical scholar now is saying existed, but it was a conflict because you had your own god complex going on.

7)      You could be the unicyclist that is suing New York City and you’ll have to admit in court that your job used to be riding a unicycle as a circus performer.

8)      You could be Charlie Sheen and you still want the attention but you realize there is nothing crazier to say than what you already said in the last few weeks.

9)      You could be using a hair growth drug, which has been found to cause erectile dysfunction.  So now you have hair growing on your head and you can attract the ladies but you no longer care.

10)    You could be wanting to enter a “crazy contest” but then you hear about the stuff people like Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi are doing and saying and you realize you don’t have a chance at winning.

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - V

Here are some very funny quotes mostly from people who are quite famous:

I rant, therefore I am. -Dennis Miller

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. –Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. –Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. –Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. –George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all. –Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. –Ellen DeGeneres

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. –Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. –David Lee Roth

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. –Les Dawson

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. –Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. –Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. –Emo Philips

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. –Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. –Mitch Hedberg

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. –Paul Lynde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. –Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. –Howard Nemerov

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. –Bette Davis

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. –Mercedes McCambridge

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Friday, March 18, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/18/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Have you met Todd?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own women’s magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." –Jay Leno

"Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more." –Jay Leno

"Al-Qaida has now launched a woman's magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a meeting on bullying, and he revealed that he himself is bullied every day, by Fox News." –Jay Leno

"Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can't get 60 Senators to agree on anything." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

I forgot to set my clock forward, so a lot of these jokes may not be funny for another hour. –David Letterman

The NFL and the players’ union are having a lot of trouble agreeing on things. One thing they do agree on is that the Super Bowl halftime show has got to be better. –David Letterman

Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called “Car Bomb and Driver.” –David Letterman

President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that stress and hard work can actually lead to a longer life. Or as the Kardashians are reporting it, “Please pray for us.” –Jimmy Fallon

Lady Gaga said she used to live in an apartment that was infested with cockroaches. That's what happens when you have a closet full of meat dresses. –Conan O’Brien

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Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Man’s Work is Never Done

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Most every man looks forward to loafing on the weekend after a hard week of work.  We look forward to relaxing and doing whatever we darn well please…but then there are married men, who never get to do that because of a list that their spouses like to haunt them with called the dreaded “honey-do” list.

There are men who think they can avoid this when they begin to cohabitate.  These are the same men that think the earth is flat, that the Internet is a fad, and they are the geniuses that are holding onto that stock of the buggy whip company because they know it is about to boom.

These chores that we are assigned are things like painting, cleaning out the rain gutters and digging holes to plant new plants.  Those are the kind of jobs that you like to see the results of, but doing the jobs themselves are not that much fun.  We would prefer it if a job fairy could come by in the middle of the night and get those things done for us.

Why is it wives don’t include things on those “honey-do” lists like blowing stuff up or starting a big bon fire or some other equally fun “man” type of activity?  The really cool stuff is left to paid experts.  We  like to do things where something explodes or there is at least some degree of danger.  What male, when he was a young boy, didn’t take a fire cracker and try to blow up an ant hill or something equally destructive, uh, I mean creative?  But, I guess the fact that we like to barbeque just because there is fire shows that we have declined in our daringness from the caveman days.    So you women might be onto something by not letting us do the things we like (as long as that restriction doesn’t extend to the bedroom as well.)

A typical conversation between a man and a woman about the “honey-do” list might go like this:

Woman:  Honey, I need you to do some things around the house this weekend.

Man:  Sorry, I already have some things I’m going to do around the house this weekend.  They include lying on the sofa with my eyes open, lying on the sofa with my eyes closed and watching sports.  And then...Oh, yeah, more lying around.

Woman: Yeah, that’s nice but that’s what you did that last several weekends and you said you were going to be getting to these chores.

Man: …And I plan to, I just never specified a date.

Woman:  Let me get this straight.  I come home from work and cook and clean, do laundry, ironing and most everything else around the house and you do nothing?

Man:  Hmm…yeah, that works for me.

It deteriorates from there as we not only end up doing the work on the list but we also have to pick ourselves up off the floor before doing it.  Many men would be totally content spending our weekends staring off into space and timing how long it takes for the drool to drop off of our chins.  But, alas, it does not work that way.

I know there are men that do actually enjoy doing these kinds of chores around the house.  I’d like to acknowledge their work ethic, as well as invite them all over to my house this weekend.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Funny Quotes by Mark Twain

Here are some quotes by Mark Twain, many are funny, but all of them are very good:

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

darnfunnyonline.com

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/15/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations based on watching the news and following the current events of this past week:

Lady Gaga terminated her business partnership with Target because of rumored disagreements over Gay Rights issues and also because they refused to carry a line of meat dresses.

Cellulose is a food additive from wood that is found in a lot of fast foods.  The drug companies are bound to follow suit and start putting it in erectile dysfunction drugs.  They’d have the perfect name for the drug …”The Woody”.

A Swedish bank robber was hiding in a bank vault in an elaborate robbery scheme.  When he left the vault he accidentally left behind his urine in a glass bottle.  You could say he pissed away the whole plan.

A condom maker is now putting an image of Gene Simmons from the rock band Kiss with his tongue unfurled on the condoms.  I’m not sure how that would be a turn on for the guy or the girl and it certainly doesn’t look good for Gene Simmons having his tongue wrapped around someone’s male member.

With Charlie Sheen continuing his rants, March Madness, normally about college basketball, takes on a whole new meaning.

A marathon runner is training for an upcoming marathon by eating nothing but McDonald’s food.  That pretty much guarantees he’ll be doing a lot of his training as he runs to the bathroom many times throughout the day and also have the runs while he’s in there.

Allegiant Airlines, out of Las Vegas, is giving travelers a chance to gamble on the price of a ticket.  If they buy a ticket in advance it could cost more or less at the time of the flight based on the price of oil.  Other airlines are thinking of following in this gambling mode and are implementing a price increase or decrease at the time of the flight based on if the pilot shows up drunk or not.

The CEO of Burger King made an offhand remark about British women not being very attractive and the British food not tasting very good.  He later apologized saying he was just bitter that the Burger King sales in England are not good, but he doesn’t blame the people.  It’s because their teeth are in too bad of shape to chew the food.

After the nuclear leaks from the earthquake in Japan the future of nuclear power doesn’t look good in the rest of the world.  On the plus side, as the radiation leaks spread people are going to be saving money on their power bills since they won’t need to turn on their lights as much because everyone is going to start glowing in the dark.

The late Pope John II is going to have a Facebook page.  The Facebook PR people are jumping on this saying they are the only social media group approved in heaven.

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Monday, March 14, 2011

More Funny Quotes from Famous People -IV

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some mostly funny quotes by mostly famous people:

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. –Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. –Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. –Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. –Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. –Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. –Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. –Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. –Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. –Joan Rivers

I like children - fried. –W.C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. –Fred Allen

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. - Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. –Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. –W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. –Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said. –Yogi Berra

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Friday, March 11, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/11/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson and Stephen Colbert:

"The President and First Lady attended a parent-teacher conference, and when they left, President Obama didn't look very happy. Apparently Joe Biden's being held back a grade." –Craig Ferguson

"In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies." –Craig Ferguson

"In New Orleans tonight the streets are awash in necklaces. If only you could have waited a few weeks, Lindsay Lohan." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: 'You're not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien

"Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien

"Welcome back to the part of the program I'm legally obligated to devote to Charlie Sheen, our new National Pastime." –Stephen Colbert

"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag." –Stephen Colbert

"Wisconsin Republicans are accusing the missing Democrats of secretly sneaking back into the state to visit their wives. A politician sneaking into his own house to have sex with his own wife." –Jay Leno

"Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, 'We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?'" –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: 'Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen called his former co-star Jon Cryer a turncoat, a traitor, and a troll. He then turned to a different page in his dictionary and called him a ukulele, an umbrella, and a unicorn. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump denies that he’s pretending to run for president to gain publicity for his TV show. He says that anyone that says is this is clearly an “apprentice,” and they deserve to be fired on Thursday at 9:00. –Conan O’Brien

In China, an annual St. Patrick’s Day parade has been canceled. Now the only question is, who’s going to break the news to Ming O’Sullivan? –Conan O’Brien

George Clooney said he could never be President because he'd slept with too many women and done too many drugs. Those are the requirements for running for Congress. - Jay Leno

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Charlie Sheen meets the IRS

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

We are now into the tax season so it’s hard to not have a little attention on the IRS.  Over the last week it’s also hard to not have had a little bit of attention on Charlie Sheen simply because his rants have been all over the news.  I thought it would be fun to see what it would be like to have these two somewhat crazy subjects meet up so I imagined how it would go if Charlie Sheen would be audited by the IRS.  Here’s what it was like:

IRS agent:  Good afternoon, Mr. Sheen.  Thank you for coming in.  How are you today?

Charlie:  DUH!  WINNING!

IRS agent:  …Okay then.  Well, we have some tax deductions that are a little questionable.  I’d like to go over them with you.  Let’s start with this one.  You have $3.6 million down here for travel expenses.  How can that be?

Charlie:  Are you kidding me?  I’m a freakin’ rock star from Mars.  You think space travel comes cheap?

IRS agent:  Okaaay, we’ll come back to that one.  Next, I see you have a major deduction for pet expenses.  Unless you are an animal breeder that won’t be an allowable deduction.

Charlie:  Again, kiddin’ me?  I have  a cat and if you know anything about me you know I have tiger blood!  It’s like the cat is one of my children.

IRS agent:  …Next, we have an unusual religious donation.  Can you explain that?

Charlie:  Sure can. I drink tiger blood and I gave it up for Lent, therefore it is a religious drink and I can deduct it.

IRS agent: But…that doesn’t even remotely make sense.

Charlie:  I am all about winning.  I don’t follow the rules that a troll like you would follow.  I only care about WINNING, which I’m doing.  (Blows smoke in the agent’s face.)

IRS agent:  (coughs) As far as Lent goes, didn’t I hear you say you are half Jewish?

Charlie:  Hey, I’ll be whatever I need to be to get through this freakin’ audit, man.

IRS agent:  (exasperated) What is this deduction for art about?

Charlie:  I just had a tattoo put on my wrist.  (Shows him the “Winning” tattoo on his wrist.)  If that’s not art I don’t know what is.

IRS agent:  (ready to break into tears) What is this deduction for weapons?

Charlie:  Dude, I’m a Vatican assassin warlock.  It just stands to reason I have to have some kinds of weapons.

IRS agent:  (a tear rolls down his cheek) You can’t deduct the Goddesses.  You’re not married.

Charlie:  How about we call that an entertainment deduction then, because when I watch those two go at it in bed together I sure am entertained… I’m even sensing that you aren’t going to allow my psychiatric deduction for the advice I got from Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, and Pete Rose.

IRS agent:  First of all, those 3 guys sound like the trifecta for trouble and also, did you even pay them for this advice?

Charlie:  Well, no, but I’m a very creative guy and I’m winning so, I thought I’d give it a shot.

IRS agent:  I’m sorry Mr. Sheen.  I’m not going to be able to allow any of these deductions.

Charlie: (angry) Okay, now you’re just being judgmental.  I don’t care about the past.  I’m done with it.  So, I’m not going to be filing my taxes anymore.  They are in the past.

And that’s what happens when crazy meets crazy.  You get a whole lot of crazy.

darnfunnyonline.com

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

More Late Night Jokes about Obama

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are more of the some of the best jokes about Obama from the late night comedians over the last year or more:

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Funny Observations from Current Events - 03/08/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations made after watching the news and current events over the last week:

Breast milk ice cream is a hot new fad.  Where men are concerned the flavor won’t be nearly as interesting as the packaging.

Justin Bieber didn’t plan anything big for his 17th birthday.  He just wanted to relax before he started hi s world tour on March 4th.  So he didn’t have a big party or anything, only one pony and one clown for this year’s party.

Justin’s party was crashed by paparazzi, at which time Justin gave them the finger.  He later apologized to his fans saying, since it was a small party, he was actually just letting everyone know they were only serving finger food.

The pope has exonerated Jews in the death of Christ.  Wow!   And we thought the justice system in the United States was slow.

In college basketball, at Brigham Young University, one of the star players was kicked off the team for having pre-marital sex.  Ironically, as a result, now the whole team is screwed.

Last week the Post Office delivered a piece of mail that was post marked 1944.  This was the first screw up by a government agency that Obama hasn’t blamed on Bush.

At Northwestern University there was a big controversy about a live sex demonstration in a classroom.  A teacher’s union representing high school teachers came out against this saying, “This is an activity that should only be done one on one between the student and his or her teacher.”

An 83-year-old Wal-Mart greeter was arrested after he stopped working, went to his car and donned a disguise and came back to rob the store.  He had a good excuse though he was going to go the bank, that one step of driving there just slipped his mind.

The mom of one of Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses” is worried about her living with Charlie Sheen.  The girl has been a porn star for several years and now the mother starts to worry.  I guess the mom doesn’t want Charlie to ruin her show business career.

When Obama heard Charlie Sheen’s new mantra “winning,” he didn’t know whether he should put Charlie on the ticket for 2012 or just get Joe Biden to take enough cocaine to make him start saying crazy things like that to get attention.  Then after he thought about it for a second he said…”never mind.”

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Monday, March 7, 2011

Late Night Jokes about Obama

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some of the  best jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians covering the last year or more:

"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off." —Conan O'Brien

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." —Jay Leno

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt." –David Letterman

"Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?" —Jay Leno

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." —Jimmy Fallon

"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." - Jimmy Fallon

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel

"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

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Friday, March 4, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/04/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon:

"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno

"The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien

"They're saying Gadhafi is 'disconnected from reality.' According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic." –Conan O'Brien

"New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as 'doing what you need to do to get the part.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about." –Jay Leno

"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien
"Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell." –Conan O'Brien

"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese." –Conan O'Brien

CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, 'Two and a Half Men.' Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

Charlie Sheen is on every show, except the one he should be on: “Celebrity Rehab.” –Jay Leno

Between Charlie Sheen, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan, it’s been a rough time for stars. Who knew Britney Spears would be the role model? –Jay Leno

The man who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, said he should be released from jail because he can’t remember committing the crime. Then Lindsay Lohan said, “What necklace?” –Jay Leno

Officials in Shanghai, China, have begun enforcing a one-dog policy. Each person can only have one dog. But if you’re still hungry, you can have cake and whatever else. –Jay Leno

Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went. –Conan O’Brien

Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one. –Conan O’Brien

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore. –Conan O’Brien

Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. It combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial. –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Women are Still the Same

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

As a man I can’t really understand why a woman feels a burning need to buy new clothing just because she is taking a trip.  My girlfriend recently had to go somewhere for a couple of weeks and in the rush of getting ready it was an emergency to get to the mall to buy new clothing.  I asked her why she couldn’t just wear some of the clothing that was in her closet.  I got an eye roll and, “You wouldn’t understand.”  That was definitely a statement I could agree with.

But the fact is (at least the facts as I see them) women have been this way down through the ages.  I can just hear a pioneer woman as she is packing up the wagon to join the wagon train going west:

Woman:  I am not getting onto that wagon until I get to the store and buy a new bonnet.

Man:  What’s wrong with the bonnets you have now?  Don’t you have like a dozen of them?

Woman:  All of my bonnets are so last year!  Have you ever even seen the cover of Pioneer Woman Weekly?

Man:  Well, no not really, I’ve been working in the field and hunting for food and taking care of the animals.

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Next, let’s take the time machine back a little farther to Roman times:

Woman:  Since we are going to visit my mother I’m going to have to go buy some new stolas.  (Author’s note: that is comparable Roman clothing for women to a toga…it’s not that I’m so smart, I googled it.  And you thought I didn’t do research for these articles!)

Man:  But, why?  You have enough stolas to fill a chariot.

Woman:  When we attend an orgy on this trip I’m not going to going to wear a stola that I wore to another orgy.

Man:  But at a Roman orgy we are naked!

Woman:  Duh, you have to wear clothing to get there.  And , by the way, it will need to be designer.  I’m not going to be caught dead wearing something off the rack and risk some other woman throwing the same outfit I had on into the  a pile of clothing at the door.

Man:  Well, I’m not buying a new toga, mine is perfectly good.

Woman:  You men are so lucky, all your togas are the same color and design.

Man:  Whatever!

Woman:  (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

Now we’ll go way back to prove my theory, back to prehistoric times:

Woman:  If we are having dinner at the Flintsones’s tonight I’m going to need a new outfit.

Man:  Didn’t I just skin a tiger for you the other day?

Woman:  Yes and I heard Fred killed a tiger from that same herd.  I’m not going to be wearing the same skins Wilma has on.  (Author’s note again: I know a group of tigers is not called a herd but my research budget for this article has already been reached.  Get over it!)

Man:  Oh, man!

Woman:  And, Grrgg, I want a Sabertooth skin!

Man:  Okay, fine!  Women!

Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)

So, there you have it, undeniable proof that woman have been obsessed with clothing down through the ages.  And I’ll bet you if we took a look into the future you would see a woman in a space ship buying new clothing every time she and her husband were going to take off for a new planet.  Yup! I just looked, it’s true!

darnfunnyonline.com

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Funny Quotes from Famous People - III

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

 

Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. –Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. –George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. –Marilyn vos Sant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? –Phylliss Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. –Emo Phillips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. –Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. –Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. –Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. –Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. –Warren Buffet

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. –David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. –W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. –Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. –Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. –Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. –Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. –Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. –Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. –Mitch Hedberg

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Funny Observations From Current Events – 03/01/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations made over the last week after watching the news and keeping abreast of current events:

Lady Gaga is a big fan of Facebook.  In fact, she buys all of her meat dresses at Farmville.

President Obama says his administration will no longer defend the law that says that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman.  In passing, he also mentioned that he thought requiring birth certificates should be illegal as well.

A man in India reportedly has the world’s largest family, including 39 wives.  The recurring thought I get is “Too much PMS.”

A nun from Spain was kicked out of her convent because she was spending too much time on Facebook.  My guess is the real underlying reason is she was poking too many people on Facebook.

Harry Reid wants to make prostitution illegal in Nevada.  He apparently thinks it’s wrong to pay for sex yet the American public is always giving money to the government and subsequently being screwed by the government.

CBS cancelled Two and a Half Men for the rest of the season after Charlie Sheen went on a tirade.  They are planning to do a documentary on his life and show it in the time slot of his show.  The thinking is his life is so much like the character he plays no one will be able to tell it is not the show.

Charlie Sheen, now with a lot more time on his hands, wants to write his memoirs.  Unfortunately, it will be a very short book because he was too stoned to remember most of his life.

Also, the other day the porn star who was infamously in the hotel room that he trashed a month or so ago says Charlie is the most destructive person she ever met.  There is no joke here, the irony is so strong in a porn star saying someone is the “most destructive person” that no joke is required.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her roommate because she suspected that she ate her box of thin mints.  She’s really going to be upset now because I’m pretty sure they don’t serve thin mints at all in prison.

In Georgia, police shut down a Girl Scout cookie stand because they didn’t have a permit.  After they were done there they went around town looking to arrest anybody eating apple pie.

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