The Fountain of Youth, Sort Of

I think I may have discovered the secret to maintaining ones youth.  I discovered it inadvertently, as many great discoveries are made.  There are still some bugs to be worked out but there is definite potential here.  By stating it here in a copyrighted article I think I am safe from having the idea stolen out from under me.  So here is what happened…I was looking into the mirror in the bathroom the other night before I went to bed and my face was virtually wrinkle-free.  I couldn’t believe how youthful I looked.  It was like I had gotten fifteen years younger.  I looked at my watch to see what time it was but I couldn’t really see because the room was dimly lit.  I don’t know exactly why I looked so good but something happened.

I woke up the next morning very cheerful.  I went into the bathroom to have a gander at my new look and was very disappointed to find that the wrinkles had returned in full force.  And with the sun shining into the window it may have even been worse.

I pondered for a while what could have gone wrong.  I looked so damn good last night.  Then it hit me.  Sleep must be the thing that caused me to revert back to my “old” face.  My first inclination was to take up the night life.  Unfortunately, I was never much of a party animal.  Maybe I could turn into a vampire.  Then I realized I was getting a little too involved with watching True Blood, so I canceled that idea.

Then the next night I thought I’d check out my face in the mirror again.  Same result, no wrinkles.  Then I thought I’d get onto the scale to see if I was losing weight at night too but the light was insufficient to read the scale.  I couldn’t figure it out but I sure looked good at night time.

All brilliant scientists go through trial and error.  I was determined to figure out my nighttime youthful origins.

The next morning, I have to admit I had a little less enthusiasm as I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  True to the previous day my wrinkles had returned.  What was it that made such a difference at night time?  I sure didn’t know, but, I did know if I could figure it out I would be rich.  We all know how vain women can be when it comes to looking younger, unlike us men.  Oh sure.  I know what you women are saying now, “You seem awfully concerned about it yourself.”  It’s strictly for financial gains though.  I’m not vain at all!

(Mental note to self:  Once I discover this secret, that is so far eluding me, make sure to rub it into my male friends who still look old.  I WILL BE THE ENVY OF THEM ALL!)

Like I was saying I’m not at all concerned with my looks.  Anyway, I can’t wait until tonight because I feel like I’m really getting close to the secret.  I think tonight will be the big break through!

Okay, here I go, into the bathroom… YES! My night time youthful glow is back.  Hmm, time for a little more research.  Let me get another mirror and look from another angle.  I can’t find the hand mirror.  Oh, no wonder, it’s dark in here since the one light bulb is burned out.  Okay, I’ll change that.  Much better.  Let me look at my wrinkle-free face again...AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...Oh Crap! I wonder how long that light bulb was burned out…Never mind.  (Who cares about a few stupid wrinkles, anyway.  Boy, women sure are vain!)

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Funny Archie Bunker Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from a fictional, yet classic TV character, Archie Bunker:

The atheist religion don't believe in the bible.

I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. Like he's, waddya call, inflammable.

If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.

The hookeries and massageries...the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.

That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.

The sexual act was never constipated.

No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over."

All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.

When a boy's coming into poobertyhood.

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation.

What you're lookin' at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.

Most of 'em have more hismones that hermones.

U.S. history....that's part of your whole American heresy.

You don't hear me gettin' historical (hysterical).

President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.

I'm readin' in the paper where the CIA is dopin' people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady's cottage cheese.

That's what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped 'em out of Manhattan.

Didn't he take the exercise tax off cars?

It's a well known histororical fact: they gave 'em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.

A man's bar is his castle.

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs.

One man's goose is another man's dander.

Just 'cause "there's snow in the basement don't mean there ain't no fire in the roof!"

I got bigger fish to fly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country...oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!

Don't talk like an ignarosis.

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

New York champagne...that's a phony label. They don't grow raisins in New York.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 06/28/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

1)      NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the US Open.  Ironically, their execs continue to pray daily for better ratings.

2)      Al-Qaeda is running out of money so they had to cut down on their reward in the afterlife from 72 virgins to 3 old whores and 1 transvestite virgin.

3)      At Wimbledon, the CEO of the tennis club was complaining about players grunting as they hit the ball, especially the women.  Leave it to the conservative English to complain about a woman grunting.  For American men, the louder they grunt the more we like it…Oh wait, are we still talking about tennis?

4)      Obama has announced that the troops in Afghanistan will be coming home by September 2012.  OMG, what a coincidence, that comes right before the election!  (This would be much more in the rant category than the joke category, but it had to be said.)

5)      Republicans walked out on the Joe Biden-led budget talks where Democrats demanded a tax hike.  No one knows if they walked out because they just disagreed or if it was because Joe Biden was talking.  It didn’t matter, Biden kept talking anyway.

6)      Bristol Palin’s memoir is out.  Levi Johnston has said, “I wouldn’t read it even if I could.”

7)      Prince Harry is saying that he is 100% single.  That’s the same thing Anthony Weiner was saying when he would sext his photos.  But he was pretending it was his penis talking, kind of bragging, like to say there was only one of them in there.

8)      Florence Henderson, aka Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch, says she got crabs after a one-night-stand with former NYC mayor, John Lindsay, a career politician.  Ah yes, it makes you yearn for the good old days.  Back then she got screwed by a politician and all she got was crabs.  Nowadays, everyone gets screwed by politicians, and it’s not even consensual sex, and we end up with something like Obamacare.

9)      Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers wants to change his name to World Peace.  I can just see it next year with the Lakers in the playoffs and the ref calls a technical for an excessive foul by World Peace.

10)    Last week President Obama and Justin Beiber were in NYC at the same time.  Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign and Beiber was there launching a new fragrance.  Some people were saying there was a foul stench from both of their activities.

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Recent Letterman Top Ten Lists

Here are some top ten lists from the Letterman shows of last week:

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' (presented by Keith Olbermann)"

10. You'll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah's gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It's the only show on television that's not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I'm sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money"

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 06/24/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that’s progress.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: ‘Now hiring!’ Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.” –Jay Leno

“The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt’s new leader, President Betty White.” –Conan O’Brien

“You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son ‘Tripp’ because ‘camping’ seemed like a dumb name.” –Conan O’Brien

“To no one’s surprise, on the ‘Today Show’ this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He’s just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, ‘The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they’re already there with you.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there’s an 80/50 chance she’ll run for president.” –Conan O’Brien

“NBC has apologized for editing out the words ‘under God’ from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with ‘Hail Satan.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin’s new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It’s in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O’Brien.’” –Conan O’Brien

“After John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and father-to-be Anthony Weiner, who would have thought Charlie Sheen would be dad of the year?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.” –Jay Leno

“A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite game on Father’s Day? Old Maid.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we’ll pay off that deficit in no time.” –Jimmy Fallon

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to Obama and as soon as the president holds the baby in his arms it stops crying? Do you know how rare that is these days that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his? –Jay Leno

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers. –Jay Leno

It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion. –Jay Leno

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time. –Jay Leno

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back. –Conan O’Brien

Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards. –David Letterman

Cindy Lauper turned 58 years old today. You can tell she’s getting up there — her new song is called “Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at Home Watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

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My Manhood is Still Intact, I Think

Recently, while loading the dishwasher, I was told I was being anal.  This would not have been so bad except that this was by someone who would be considered the Queen of Anal by many (and by many, I mean particularly me.)  This is like someone being told by President Obama that they are a bad economist.  Anyway, my first reaction upon hearing this was that I should check my shorts and make sure my entire male package was still intact.  Thankfully it was.

Still, it made me take pause.  Was I becoming a woman?  Then I realized, “Uh oh, chick flicks are generally my favorite type of movie.”  I rationalized, but who could resist a line like, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.” (I’m not sure why she had to repeat it.  Maybe Tom Cruise was supposed to be hard of hearing in that movie.)

Wait a minute! I am becoming a woman, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hold on, hold on. (Oh, I repeat myself too, so, okay Renee Zellweger, you get a pass on that one.)  Oh no, this is getting worse by the minute, I’m talking like a woman too.  I’ve got to stop having this conversation …with myself.  (Do women do that?)

Okay, here’s a positive thought, A Few Good Men was one of my favorite movies of all time.  Yeah, that makes me feel better.  A real ass kicker there.  But, oh crap!  Even that was more of a cerebral movie, no bombs going off or bodies blowing up.  Oh sure, there were a couple of unintentional murders which was the premise for the whole movie, but no real guy stuff, like gratuitous violence.  I’m going to admit something here that, as a man, I am not proud of, but I don’t even like gratuitous violence in movies very much.  (Oh God, I hope I’m still capable of having sex!)

Here we go, here’s something in my favor.  Gratuitous sex, which is often in the chick flicks, which I enjoy, is something I like very much.  Yeah, baby!  I’m starting to feel better about my manhood already.  And gratuitous nudity…bring it on!  Yes!!

While I’ll admit, I don’t need the gratuitous sex and nudity, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it.  (I couldn’t just stop when I was feeling better about myself, could I?)

I got it now, for me to enjoy a chick flick it has to be a rom com.  So you see, it’s the comedy that I like.  I don’t go for movies like Eat, Pray, Love, Make Me Throw Up.  That’s a relief.  I am pretty macho after all.

Here is a little aside (to get me off of this subject since I was getting ahead, finally.)  There is a new movie coming out with Cameron Diaz, called Bad Teacher.  I don’t think it’s a rom com, or necessarily even a chick flick, but the ad I saw made me regret my childhood because I never had a teacher that looked remotely like Cameron Diaz.  The teacher I most remember was my fifth grade teacher whose boobs were so big she carried her lunch tray on top of them, but not in an attractive way because the rest of her was equally as big. And she reveled in leading the class in singing a stirring rendition of Carry Me Back to Old Virginy…Ah memories!

So there you have it.  I'm going to end off on this subject of my manhood while I’m still ahead, sort of.  Anyway, I‘ve got to get back to loading the dishwasher!

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 06/22/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Since Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress he’s looking for new career opportunities so he’s thinking of becoming a priest.

Mel Gibson is dating again so it looks like we have a potential comedy replacement as Weinergate gets old.

A man in Oregon, who quit college in 1932, finally went back and got his degree.  I hope he wasn’t just trying to “find himself” before he completed because all he’ll find now is some old guy.

Another case of a person going back to college was a mom who earned her degree 23 years after having a memory loss from a car accident.  Apparently, she forgot how worthless college really is these days and she went back for her degree anyway.

Spam, these days, is thought to be when you spew out a lot of unsolicited e-mails.  Now Burger King is selling spam burgers, but this is the old kind of spam with meat in a can.  It will produce some of the same type of effects as spam e-mail.  After you eat one there will definitely be something spewed out, it just won’t be e-mails.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland Ohio.  This goes to show how many preservatives there really are in food these days.

The wedding of Hugh Hefner, 85 years old, to his 25 year old fiancé is off.  When asked for a reaction Hef responded, “What wedding?”

President Obama is contending that the U.S. air attacks against Libya do not constitute hostilities.  This is very similar, if on a different scale, to former President Clinton contending that oral sex does not constitute sex.

Last Week President Obama met with Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geither, in the Oval Office to see what believable lies they could come up with to tell us about the economy.  They came up with numerous lies, none of them believable.

Researchers have found that watching too much TV increases your risk of premature death.  It’s even worse if you text your friend about what happened in your favorite episode while you’re driving.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 06/17/11

Here are the best  jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn't his concern when he was texting pictures of himself." –David Letterman

"A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, 'Wait, there's pizza?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression." –Jay Leno
"One of bin Laden's wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot." –Jay Leno

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he'd resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he's not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm." –Jay Leno

"According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?" –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore." –Jay Leno

"NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

""According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in." –Craig Ferguson

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Politics and Crazy Go Together

With the advent of Weinergate (I was going to say “coming” but we’re talking about politicians so that could have more than one meaning, so I used advent.) you kind of wonder if there are any politicians that are not crooks, pervert, psychos or all of the above…On second thought you may not be wondering at all. You are pretty sure that is the case.

But to be fair, I’ll use the old lawyer joke regarding politicians: It’s the 99% that make the other 1% look bad.  So there must be some good ones somewhere.  You just have to look really, really, really, really hard.  But when you think about it the vast majority of politicians started out as attorneys so it really does all make sense.

I think I have more faith in the Nigerian businessman’s letters that I get in my e-mail box on a daily basis, than I do in politicians.  They are certainly more trustworthy.  At least you know they are trying to cheat you right up front…I’m talking about the Nigerian businessman now, not the politician, in case there was any doubt.

The current moral of politicians has lead us to campaign slogans that would pervert JFK’s famous quote to “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what I can do for you if you make a ridiculously high campaign donation.”

It’s quite possible that being crazy is one of the qualifications to becoming a politician. For example, Obama was totally qualified with ideas such as Obamacare, spending money to get out of debt, and rewarding banks with bailouts after they helped screw up the economy.  If those things don’t qualify someone as crazy nothing will.

I can imagine what it would have been like if Obama had gone into the Lincoln Room of the White House to get advice from the ghost of Honest Abe:

Abe: You’re going to do what???  Are you kidding me?

(I could stop there and it would be a believable conversation, but we’ll carry on.)

Obama:  I don’t think I’m really known for my sense of humor except for that time I roasted Donald Trump about that whole birth certificate thing….Snap, Donald!

Abe:  By the way, was that birth certificate legit?

Obama:  Think about it Abe. I’m the president, if I can get money printed on request, I can certainly get a birth certificate printed whenever I want to.

Abe:  Another thing, when I was president I was a nice relaxed speaker and I was famous for my eloquent speaking style.  I gotta tell you you’re a little stiff, like you have a tree limb stuck up your ass. And lose the teleprompter.  I can only assume you came up with stupid ideas like Obamacare when somebody asked you a question and you didn’t have a scripted answer already prepared.

Obama:  Yeah, I’m still trying to think of some way to blame Obamacare on Bush, but I haven’t come up with anything yet.

Abe:  How about blaming it on Hillary?

Obama:  Good idea.

Abe:  Okay, Barack, by the way, again, that name really does sound South African, seriously.  You can see why there would be doubters.  Anyway, the best advice I can come up with is start to do the opposite of what you are inclined to do.  If you think yes, do no. If you think do this, do that instead.  You get the idea.  With the policies you come up with it’s like you put all the possible bad ideas in the world into a hat and whichever ones you draw from the hat you use.

Obama:   (Long pause) So, you’re saying that would be wrong then?

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Top 10 Weinergate Headlines

Today is a short post but a funny one.  Here are the top 1o funniest headlines from the whole Weinergate fiasco:

Top 10 Weinergate Headlines

1. Battle of the Bulge, Weiner Exposed (New York Post)

2. Disgusted Democrats Letting Weiner Shrivel (New York Post)

3. Yeah, I'm A Schmuck (New York Daily News)

4. The Big Wang Theory (The Daily Show)

5. Weiner's Pickle (Daily News)

6. Cocksure Weiner Mocked Larry Craig Sex Scandal (TMZ)

7. The Lesson of Weiner's Schnitzel: Delete, Delete, Delete (Kansas City Star)

8. Boehner Won't Bite on Weiner (CNSNews)

9. Congressman Wants Weiner Probe (Fox News)

10. Weiner's 'Junk' Defense (The Daily Beast)

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 06/14/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

1)      President Obama’s top economic advisor stepped down last week.  He’s being replaced with the rock, paper, scissors method of making decisions.

2)      According to a poll by ABC News/Washington Post, 90 % of Americans view the economy negatively.  The other 10% work in the Obama Administration.

3)      Charlie Sheen is really upset these days.  Just as he gave up cocaine the price of coffee sky rockets.  He says his cocaine habit was cheaper.

4)      It’s getting so bad for Congressman Weiner that he had to change his Facebook status to “It’s complicated.”

5)      The late night comedians got together and prayed for something to replace Donald Trump running for President and God answered their prayers with “Weinergate.”

6)      Obama is really stretching it and saying he has created new jobs.  Just the other day he was heard saying, “I hear Newt Gingrich is hiring.”  He forgot to say that even that is a very temporary job.

7)      In a recent survey about our educational system 75% of the participants said we are failing our young.  The other 25% couldn’t read the question.

8)      In the same survey when people were asked what the consequences of the lack of education for our young would be a very high percentage said it would lead to job security….for them.  This was because they could show up late, get drunk at lunch and still not worry about being replaced by  some young snot-nosed kid.

9)      Hugo Chavez, the dictator of Venezuela, underwent surgery in Cuba.  Even though he hates America he would have considered coming here for the operation but he felt Obamacare was just too communistic for him.

10)   Comedian, Tracy Morgan, is taking some heat for some gay jokes that were considered in bad taste.  It was so bad he no longer has a shot at being considered as a guest on “Glee.”

11)   The U.S. was rated the funniest country in the world according to a survey.  Americans are so quick to laughter there were even some who thought this web site was funny!

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Weinergate Jokes on Twitter

Here are some really funny jokes that were made on Twitter about Weinergate:

"BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere." —Steve Martin

"Tattoo it on your chest, MEMENTO-style, Weiner: 'The Internet is forever."" —Patton Oswalt

"A historic day for trivial Twitter fame. Charlie Sheen has called Anthony Weiner to offer his concession." —Arianna Huffington

"Weiner-gate is teaching me a few things..if a pic posted of my weener on web looks big: i posted it, if its small, my account was hacked." —David Spade

"Just my luck! On the same day I find out it's bad to tweet dirty pictures, FedEx shows up w/ all that penis make-up I ordered!" —Andy Richter

"BREAKING: Rep. Anthony Weiner admits the Twitter pics are his. He also said, 'When I took the pics it was really really cold." —Justin Stangel

"Tough to know what Weiner was really thinking during his press conference because he was standing behind a podium." —Andy Borowitz

"Well, our long, national nut-mare is over." —Steven Weber

"Now that we have certitude of what Weiner's wang looks like, let's use it to raise the debt ceiling!" —Jason Linkins

"STEVE MARTIN IS REALLY OILED AND BUFF. OMG, my Twitter account was just hacked." —Steve Martin

"I guess this is what happens when Bill Clinton presides at your wedding." —Sara Benincasa

"Remember when the only people who saw a politician's penis were hookers and interns?" —Jason Mustian

"Maybe Weiner and his wife have an open genital-tweeting marriage." —Mileskahn

"Americans will remember where they were, what they were doing, and what color underwear they were wearing when today's news broke." —Arianna Huffington

"Somewhere James Carville is thankful that Bill Clinton didnt have a cellphone with a camera back in the 90s." —PatGarofalo

"Too bad Boehner won't stand up for Weiner." —JasonIsbell

"Which would make a better theme song for weiner: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground?" —elraei

"Schwartzenegger, Weiner, DSK and John Edwards walk in a bar. There were no survivors." —iowahawkblog

"I hope that instead of retiring Weiner just reads a list of jokes. 'This is hard.' 'Yes: I am pulling out.' 'We faced stiff challenges.'" —bengreenman

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 06/10/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Jon Stewart:

"Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called 'Weinergate.' And then it happens." –Conan O'Brien

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –Conan O'Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien|

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?" –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

"Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment came when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she'd like to see his wienerschnitzel." –Jay Leno

"People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else." –Jay Leno

"Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective…the magic 8-ball." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today he's not concerned about a double dip recession. He's more concerned the recovery we're in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn't creating enough jobs? A recession." –Jay Leno

"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno

"Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman." –Craig Ferguson

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." –Jay Leno

"A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, 'What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?'" –Jay Leno

"Today Moammar Gaddafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week." –David Letterman

"Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure." –David Letterman

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, 'So it looks like they do want to start a family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden's death. Or as Gadhafi's putting it, 'Uh oh.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs." –Jay Leno

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Women and Their Multi Tasking

You have to admire women.  They are the ultimate multi-taskers.  Not only can they cook, clean, pay the bills, take care of the kids, organize the entire household and do a multitude of tasks for the husband, they can also be the consummate backseat drivers while sitting in the passenger seat of the car.  It’s like they are in two places at once.

People often wonder what we did before the invention of the GPS.  But, really, it’s no mystery we’ve always had women to tell us where to go, what to do, how to drive, tell us we are going too fast, too slow, following too close, we should take the side streets, etc., etc.

Probably the reason men have the reputation of never wanting to stop to ask for directions is that we have already received so many directions from our wives that it’s fun for a change to try it on our own.

Even on the standard GPS, they use a woman’s voice.  By the way, I hate that bitch sometimes.  A lot of times she waits until you are right at the turn and then she tells you to turn, which makes you miss the turn.  At least we get to blame her and it doesn’t start a fight with the wife.

They were probably afraid to have a man’s voice on the GPS because male drivers would start talking about sports to their GPS and they’d end up drinking beers in a bar somewhere and never get to where they were going.

In women’s defense, though, if it wasn’t for them, men would probably not, in general, get a whole lot done.  There would be a lot of TV watching and when we’d get bored we tell the youngest child to come over to our chair and have them pull our finger.  We count on our women at those times to roll their eyes and shake their heads to keep us in line.  Our discipline gets a little steeper when the kids are not around , which is one of the reasons we had kids in the first place...protection.

In our driving women are also necessary because even though we act like it’s a burden that they always tell us what to do, we need the orders.  It also works equally well for the women because it gives them a way to manifest their control freakism.  Women aren’t always control freaks.  It usually only occurs after they get married and it happens out of necessity.  So, if we complain about our wives, we shouldn’t since we actually created the situation.  This all makes marriage a very symbiotic relationship.

In regards to driving I think it would be great if they made a GPS with both a male and female voice and that way the GPS genders could argue with each other and it would save a lot of marriages since the live people would just listen.  It would go like this:

Female GPS voice: Turn right at the next light.

Male GPS voice:  What are you talking about we’ll never get there on the side streets, take the freeway.

Female GPS voice:  Fine, at least put your turn signal on.  If you’re going to get us killed we’ll at least be legal.

Male GPS voice:  You never let up, do you!

…And so it goes.  But what would we do without them?  Pull on my finger and you'll find out!

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Really Funny Sports Quotes

Here are some really funny quotes from the world of sports:

"I'm blessed to have great friends, and there are a lot of men in my life who've been more than just friends."-- Jim Nantz, April 2005 "Golf Digest"

"I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it's not how you start the date, it's how you finish the date."-- Shaquille O'Neal

"I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever."-- Bulls rookie Ben Gordon

"It's cold, it's hard and I wanna feel it."-- Ron Jaworski while describing a football in cold weather

"It's been kind of hard, I'm labeled as a jerk right now, you know what I mean? But I love it. I've been a jerk all my life. My momma loves this jerk. My kids love this jerk. I'm going to be a jerk in a good way, though. I'm going to be a jerk to the other teams and just go out there and play basketball. I can do that."-- Stephen Jackson

"Just picture your favorite guy and put it right through the hole."-- Drew Brees after winning a skills competition

"I'm tellin' ya man, to be able to stroke it like that must be some kind of feeling."-- Dick Vitale on J.J. Redick's shooting ability

"There's Fredo, there's Sonny and there's Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane."-- Shaquille O'Neal on comparing Penny Hardaway to Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg

Some people think football is a matter of life and death…I can assure them it is much more serious than that. - Bill Shankly

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips

Serious sport is war minus the shooting. - George Orwell

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works. - Charlie Lau

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very un-orderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off. - Bill Veeck

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. - Barry Switzer

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.- Sam Snead

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It Could be Worse – Issue 17

Here is another episode of "It Could be Worse" where we take a humorous look at no matter how bad things seem to be you can always see how things could be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Arnold Schwarzenegger and have a house twice as big as the one he had, which would mean you’d have twice as many maids and twice as many illegitimate children.

2)      You could be the Philadelphia woman that is suing Dunkin Donuts for putting sugar in her coffee that caused her to go into diabetic shock and not be aware enough to realize that she went into diabetic shock just from walking into Dunkin Donuts.

3)      You could be the new comic book super hero character called “Foreskin Man” that is from San Francisco and lobbying to make circumcision illegal for males under the age of 18…actually, I don’t need to say more on this one because if you are a super hero and that is your name and your project in life you really have hit bottom.

4)      You could be President Obama and in describing the economy you say that we have “hit a few bumps” and not realize that the definition you are using for a bump is a mountain.

5)      You could be Congressman Weiner (again, I could stop right there, but I’ll continue on this one) and be accused of sending pictures of your weiner to college age females and then deny it and follow it up with your admission of guilt. (Nope, just gave all the facts on this one and it was about as low as you’d want to go.) (Man, some people are screwed up but why does it have to be congressmen who are leading the pack of screwed up people.)

6)      You could be Congressman Weiner again and your situation is so bad that even Brett Farve is calling for your resignation.

7)      You could be President Obama and be bragging about all the jobs that have been created but not telling anyone that most of the new jobs came from McDonalds.

8)      You could be James Arness, of Gunsmoke fame, who died last week, and when you  went to heaven you found out that Miss Kitty wasn’t waiting for you there with any of the girls from the saloon.

9)      You could be Dr. Kevorkian, who died this week, and not have had a Dr. Kevorkian to help you go peacefully.

10)   You could be John Edwards who just got indicted for using campaign fund to cover up the facts about his mistress…Okay, the fact is, the real life story on the politicians is as funny as anything anybody can write.

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Funny Sports Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from and about the world of sports:

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams, 1982 ~

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
~ Earl Warren ~

Olympism is the marriage of sport and culture.
~ Juan Antonio Samaranch ~

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
~ Jesse Ventura ~

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
~ Source Unknown ~

This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
~ Ted Walsh ~

If at first you don't succeed … So much for skydiving.
~ Henry Youngman ~

Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
~ Robert M. Hutchins ~

Doug Sanders, professional golfer

I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the

same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be

perfect.

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives "See, there's a fat guy

doing okay. Bring me another beer."

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

Last year we couldn't win at home, and we were losing on the road. My

failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers. I'll take the

whiskey drinkers every time.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of

the people who hear them don't care, and the other twenty percent are glad

you're having trouble.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 06/03/11

A lot of the late night comedians are off this week but here are the best jokes of the week including those from Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and Craig Ferguson:

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head." –Craig Ferguson

‎"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he’d be if she won." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' … "The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" –Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

Sarah Palin, on visiting Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington: "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President - who had such diverse interests - when she told me later: 'how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'"
Stephen Colbert: "It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers."

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How to Strike It Rich Today

In the mid 1800s the get rich quit scheme was to move out west and become a gold miner.  In the last few years it was to buy gold and that would make you rich. Throughout history there have been women who would marry rich men and they would be called gold-diggers.  But the most recent way to suddenly strike gold is to come up with a really unique idea for a phone app and sell it at Apple’s app stores.  I’ve come up with a couple that  I think could make me wealthy and here they are:

“Teaching your teen-age daughter how to drive app”:

This one will utter subtle phrases such as AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! There will also be suppressed screams where you are trying to hold it back but the fear of instant death still evokes some noise.  There will also be random phrases that will be blurted out occasionally and very loudly such as SLOW DOWN, NOT SO FAST, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Those will be the key points but it will have other features such as when she is attempting to parallel park, that will say things such TURN, TURN, TURN!!! or OKAY, LET”S TRY THAT AGAIN and my favorite, said in a frustrating manner I JUST DON”T UNSDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO HARD.

This is an app that will be for the dad’s, by the way, it will save his nerves and then when the daughter comes home she will not be as upset unless she did dent or demolish the car.  The dad can also the use the app to complain about the daughter’s driving to his wife afterward.  It saves him a lot of frustration and the wife can turn it off whenever she wants, so everyone wins with this one.

The next app is called “knowing what your wife wants when she sends you shopping app”:

This app is quite simple actually.  It is programmed to buy the opposite of whatever the man’s normal tendency would be.  You might say, “Why do I need an app for that?  I could just do the opposite of my inclination.”  Ah yes, if it were but that simple.  Men can’t do the opposite of what they think they should do because we always think we are right.  So we can say we’d do the opposite but it just wouldn’t work.

For a little bit more of the background on that, men are also eminently logical so we would reason that even though the wife said she wanted “X” she wasn’t thinking of so-and-so, so she probably really wants “Y”.  In reality we are usually right but the wife will also insist she is right and if we want to have her continue to do most of the work around the house we have to let her think she is right…Just buy the app and make me rich, okay already??

So far those are the only sure-fire, put gold in my pocket apps, I have come up with (additionally, I’m near the end of this article so it works out well.)  I had a few other ideas like an app for cutting down a tree, but there is already an app for that called a saw.  Then I thought of an app for fixing a car, but again, that app is called a mechanic.

Anyway, these two should be winners so just put your checks in the mail and we’ll just bypass those Apple app stores.  I’m sure you’ll really enjoy the apps when I send them to you and remember the other key element to these, I’ll get rich!

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Some Funny Golf and Tennis Quotes

Here are some very funny quotes about the sports of both golf and tennis:

Funny Golf Quotes

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~ Will Rogers ~

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
~ Gerald R. Ford ~

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny ~

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
~ Ben Hogan ~

I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
~ Rogers Hornsby ~

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin ~

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino ~

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
~ Greg Norman ~

---

Funny Tennis Quotes

 

I'll let the racket do the talking.

~ John McEnroe ~

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
~ Jimmy Carter ~

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
~ Hugo Black ~

Monica Seles - I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
~ Peter Ustinov ( because she grunted everytime she hit the ball)~

Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.
~ Alex Ramsey ~

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