Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Funny Observations from this Week’s News – 08/31/10

Here are some funny observations based on the happenings in the news from the last week:

Ben Bernake has pledged to fight deflation but he basically said he has no idea how.  So he has been seen wearing boxing gloves and wandering around looking for some girl named Dee Flation.  Richard Nixon became famous for the line, “I am not a crook.”  Bernake is likely to be known for the line, “I am not an economist.”  In fact, he so much has no idea of what he is doing that he is thinking of retiring and becoming an executive for BP oil.

Miners in Chile’ are trapped in a mine and officials there are saying it will take months to get them out.  So, apparently the BP oil execs and engineers have been transferred to Chile’.

Male teachers in Milwaukee are up in arms because their health benefits are no longer going to cover Viagra.  At the same time the female students at the school who were having trouble getting passing grades are breathing a sigh of relief.

John Lennon’s toilet went on sale this last weekend at a Beatle’s convention in Liverpool, England.  You can bet Liverpool was flush with stories about that.  It sold for over $14,000 so you can bet the guy who bought that has a good head for business.  (Whew!  I feel relieved getting those toilet puns out of my system and, frankly, I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t.)

There is a car being developed that will be powered by urine.  This is seen to be a real boon to the beer industry.

Obama has said in a recent interview that he is not worried about all the rumors that he is Muslim and accusations that he wasn’t born in the US.  He was quoted as saying, “I can’t spend all my time with  my birth certificate plastered to my forehead.”  But maybe he could stuff it in his mouth or at least use it to cover the teleprompter when he talks so that we don’t have to hear about any more hope and change.  Too much more of his change and the country will be bankrupt.  (A little too much truth there to be very funny.  Sorry about that, so I’ll do one more.)

There is talk about doing a male version of The View.  In that show I guess you’ll have men sitting around burping, farting, cussing and watching sports while drinking beer and telling jokes about women.  What else would it be?

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Back to School Jokes

In honor of the school season getting back into full swing here are some school jokes I found on the Internet:

Back to School Joke:

Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!; couldn't you show me the same courtesy?"
LETTERMAN'S

Top Ten Signs You Are Headed For Summer School

10. You failed the Pledge of Allegiance

9. You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil

8. You identify more than half of the state capitals as "Funkytown"

7. Principal's final words before summer break: "See you tomorrow"

6. For your civics class project, you brought in several photos of Honda Civics

5. Whenever you enter the room, your family stops talking about Disneyland

4. Your history report was on President Martin Sheen

3. In your physics final, you keep referring to "gravity" as "gravy"

2. Latest report card includes several G's

1. You threw a phone at the principal
Teacher Circulation Joke

A well-intentioned teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she explains, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," responds the class.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

The answer then comes from the back of the class, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
One for all those that hate math class:

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

Not really a school joke, but we'll call it a history lesson:

Over five thousand years ago,  Moses said to the children of Israel "
pick up your shovel, mount your asses  and camels, and I will lead you to
the promised land".

Nearly 75 years  ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up  a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Recent Late Night Jokes

Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week so except for the first few jokes from David Letterman from this week the rest are some funny jokes I picked out from the last few months:

"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman

"They're vacationing at the beach. He's down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation." –David Letterman

"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman

''Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'''—Jimmy Fallon

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.'' —Jay Leno

''In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.'' —Conan O'Brien

''There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.'' —Craig Ferguson

''It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.'' —Craig Ferguson

''I understand it's not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he's ever come to wearing protection of any kind.'' —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's wedding

''It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.'' —Jon Stewart

''During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.''' —Jimmy Fallon

''BP's company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.'' —Jay Leno

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Congress and Lies go Hand in Hand

Recently, Roger Clemens, former Major League baseball player, was indicted for perjury as a result of allegedly lying to Congress about steroid usage.  The absurdity that anyone could get in trouble for lying to Congress, the King of the Liars, was enough impetus to write this article.  If you walk into Congress I would think the atmosphere of chronic liars alone would make someone be compelled to lie.  It would be like walking through the desert, you’d feel compelled to drink water…you walk into Congress, you feel compelled to lie.

I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

Here are some very funny Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It Could Be Worse, Issue XI

It’s time for another episode of taking a look at how things could be much worse than they really are when you compare your situation to  that of some others.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be Roger Clemens, former baseball player indicted for lying to Congress about steroid use, and you thought since you were among the biggest group of liars on the planet that it was okay to lie, but then you found out you have to be a congressman for it to be okay to lie to Congress.

It could be worse, you could be a Nigerian businessman and you e-mail people telling them you need their bank account information to help get millions of dollars out of your country, and even in this economy you can’t find anybody stupid enough to fall for that scheme.

It could be worse, you could be Ben Bernake, Barack Obama, and Timothy Geither and you are actually so stupid, economically, that you fall for the scheme with the Nigerian businessman as a quick fix to handling the economy.

It could be worse you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper and she has started seeing  Ronald McDonald because she likes his Big Mac. (Sorry, I’ve done that joke before in “It Could Be Worse” but I tweaked it a little so I could justify using it again because I get such a big kick out of it.  Who knows, I may use it again next time too.)

It could be worse, you could be ready to retire and you make a list of all the things you want to do when you retire and you realize you can never afford to retire.  (Okay, that one may be a little too real to be considered humor, but it stays anyway as evidence of how badly the politicians have screwed up the economy.)

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton out to support the protest of GoTopLess.org proclaiming the woman’s constitutional right to go topless in public and you get such a bad infection in both eyes that you have to stay indoors and wear eye patches on both eyes.

It could be worse, you could be holding a charisma contest and the top candidates to win the thing are Al Gore and Harry Reid.

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Funny Observations from the News – 08/17/10

Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It's better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It's a about a woman's journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny's has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Romance: The Difference Between Men and Women

Romance is a wonderful thing.  It could be said that it is the glue the holds that holds relationships together.  The only problem with the subject of romance is that men and women have a totally different definition of what it is.

To women it is something like a candlelit dinner while the couple gazes into each other’s eyes with dreamy, loving talk and thoughts, holding hands, along with an occasional caress.  It’s the kind of ultimate experience she hopes can last a lifetime.

Men tend to be simpler.  To us romance equals sex, pure and simple.  That other stuff is what we have to go through to get “romance”.  To women the romance part ends when the sex starts.

Men, being the idiots we are, don’t really get that.  Okay, we get it a little bit but only enough to go along with it until we can get to the real “romance”.

A romantic marriage proposal to a woman would be for the man to carry out a plan that was months in the making.  It would include things like her being carried in a throne by eunuchs into a room that would be filled with flowers while doves fly overhead.  As the man drops to his knees one of the doves flies down and places into his hand the huge diamond engagement ring that he went deeply in debt to purchase just so he could make this special moment even more perfect for her.  With tears streaming down both of their faces he asks her for her hand in marriage, to which she replies, “Yes, oh , yes.”  (This type of female oriented romance will lead to actual “romance” for him soon after so he deems it worthwhile.)

On the other hand, a romantic marriage proposal by a man would be to put the ring down his pants so she gets it when they are being “romantic”, if you get my meaning.

Here is how a typical conversation might go between a man and a woman on the subject of romance.  Although, let me be very clear that the man in this scenario is not nearly as enlightened as the men in the above examples.

Woman:  We need to talk.

Man: (Rolling his eyes) Oh man, what did I do now?

Woman:  You didn’t DO anything.  That’s the problem.

Man:  (Confused) Huh?...Oh wait a minute, are you PMSing.

(The woman glares at him so intensely he can feel the heat penetrating his skin.)

Okay, that was clearly the wrong thing to say.  But I still have no idea what you are talking about.

Woman:  I’m talking about romance.

Man:  (Feeling more confident now) I don’t see a problem then, we just had sex last night.

Woman:  That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking…

Man:  (Cutting her off)  Hey, if you want to mix it up right now, I’m game.  (Looks at his watch) Although we need to hurry, there’s a football game coming on in five minutes.  And if you’re gonna insist on that foreplay stuff we have to get started

Woman: (Yelling)  I’m talking about romance not sex, you moron!

Man:  Well, you’re just talking crazy now.  I can’t even follow you at all.  Plus, calling me a moron totally takes me out of my romantic mood.  Besides, we’re running out of time anyway.  (Turns toward the TV)  Why don’t you just get me a beer and maybe a sandwich too.

Seconds later he receives his beer bottle in the back of his head.

In my defense, I did already say men were idiots.  And, for the record, I’m a great believer in romance…I’m just not saying which definition.

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Monday, August 16, 2010

Some Joe Biden Jokes from Late Night

Joe Biden has set himself up to be the best source of Vice-Presidential comedy writing material since Dan Quayle so here are some Biden jokes from late night since he's been in office: "Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'" --Craig Ferguson "Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon "Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno "Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman "At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks....This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno "There was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” –Jay Leno "Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren’t safe before swine flu." –David Letterman "Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." --David Letterman darnfunnyonline.com

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 08/13/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, 'Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating." –Jay Leno

"Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles." –Craig Ferguson

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly." –Jay Leno

"The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise." –Jay Leno

"Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Dilemma of Going to the Doctor

Whenever I deal with doctors I always have a hard time remembering if it is a Hippocratic oath or a hypocritical oath that they take when they become doctors.

For the record I don’t go to doctors myself as a general rule but I have had dealings with doctors via others recently.  But, I just love it when the doctor himself has to turn sideways to get his fat ass in the door and then he tells his patient that he or she needs to lose weight.  It’s like Dick Cheney telling someone they need to be nicer to people.  Doctors, apparently, have almost as much of a reputation for being heavy drinkers as airline pilots do.  I guess that’s why they insist on having you sign release forms all the time. (And one more quick joke I need to get out of my system) How do gynecologists live with themselves?  All day long they are looking at women between the legs and then they have to go home and look their wives in the eye. (Okay I feel better now… wait I have to resist talking about proctologists…okay I got past it… I wonder if the guy who came up with the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?” was a proctologist.  All right, I was not fully able to get past that urge.)

Anyway, when you go into doctor’s offices they always have the air conditioning blasting away, the magazines are usually old and they either have a medical video playing or a soap opera on TV.  Then there are people coughing and hacking up phlegm and the others look like they should have a chalk line drawn around them and they should be waiting for the undertaker rather than the doctor.  Pretty much if you weren’t sick when you walked in you’ll be well on the way to it before you leave.

Then when the receptionist tells you, “the doctor will see you now,” you know she’s lying through her teeth because you’ll just go into another room and wait in there.  Sometimes you have to undress when you get there too, which could be fun depending on what’s going through your head at the time.  Anyway, if that gets too boring you can always go outside each waiting room and switch the patient’s files.  It can help pass the time and it will really piss off the doctor too.

I recall a conversation I had with a doctor years ago, after making it through all that stuff and finally being in his presence.  It went pretty much like this:

Doc:  Okay turn your head and cough.

Me:  Wait a minute, I came here to have a wart removed.

Doc:  Oh right, some idiot must have switched the charts on me again.

Me:  (withholding laughter.)

Doc:  Okay then, turn around and bend over.

Me:  No, no, the wart is on my finger!

(I think, in retrospect, he was having his own issues.)

Doc:  Oh yeah, then why did you get undressed?

Me:  (Embarrassed) I don’t know it just seemed like the thing to do in a doctor’s office.

Doc: (looking at me strangely)  Anyway, let me see your finger…I’ll prescribe some Prozac for you.

(Doctors are the ultimate drug pushers)

Me:  I’m not depressed about it.  I just want it removed.

Doc:  Oh yeah, that’s right, the Prozac was for me.  (Deep sigh) I wish I had been a proctologist.

I told you he had issues.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Again, More Obama Jokes

Here are some more Obama jokes that I gathered from various places.  No politician  deserves it more,  although there are many others who do deserve it, from both parties.

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a "good, solid B-plus" for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama's anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said "concentrate".

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

 

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'I ♥ Obama.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Funny Observations from the News – 08/10/10

Here are some funny observations that are based on the news from this week, enjoy:

Justin Beiber is going to be writing his memoirs; there are rumored scandals of breast feeding as a baby and illicit nap time behavior when he was in kindergarten.

Tiger Woods had the worst 72 hole score of career over the weekend, apparently he is having a serious problem with his putter.

Evidently, it was the holes he scored after golfing that kept his game sharp.

Disney raised prices again at their theme parks. So it is not only the happiest place on earth but they are also making the shareholders of their stock the happiest people on earth.

Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino, testified in a court case that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant but it only lasted 15 seconds.  He also complained of having a dribbling problem afterward.

After testifying he apologized to his wife but he did tell her that he was thinking of her the whole time.  Then he got in trouble with her all over again for only thinking of her for 15 seconds.

The US Post Office reported a loss of $3.5 billion last quarter, which is actually good for a government organization.  If they can get a little guidance from Congress they could probably double or triple their losses.

Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair that she is an occasional cocaine user.  The drug companies were very excited about this because now they can say, “See, you don’t get those kind of side effects from our drugs.”

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Monday, August 9, 2010

Some More Obama Jokes

Here are some funny Obama jokes that I got off of various places on the Internet:

Obama has decided to change the name of "Air Force One," the Presidential jet. He's going to rename it "Air Force The One."

Under both ObamaCare and the Clunker program, bills are divided into parts and labor.

Astronomers have spotted an object in space that they say is potentially dangerous, yet for a year it's just sat out there and has done nothing. For that, they've named the object COMET OBAMA.

And marine biologists have spotted the deepest living fish ever, near the ocean floor at the Earth's lowest point. They're calling it, the Barack Obama Approval Ratings Fish.

You remember the Reagan era, when Ronald Reagan was President, and Bob Hope and Johnny Cash were still with us? Well, now we have Obama, no hope, and no cash.

Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?

A: The battery has a positive side.

Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan, an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator. The bad news is that you only have six months to live. But the good news is that there’s an operation that is 100% successful in curing this illness." "That sounds great, Doctor," says the Senator, "but what’s the other bad news?" The Doctor replies, "The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot is seven months from today."

In the washroom at the airport I saw a handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: "Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"..........There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of crap to give you that true Obama experience!!!!

New bumper sticker:

Obama lied, the economy died.

Q. Why did Obama cross the road?

A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.

If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.

President Obama is to statesmanship as an Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 08/06/07

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. ... Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

"Just a few weeks after they announced their engagement, Bristol Palin claims that she has officially broken things off with Levi Johnston after he told her he may have gotten another woman pregnant. That's always the deal breaker, isn't it? Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol." –Jay Leno

"How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend." –Jay Leno

"The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Charlie Rangel and Congresswoman Maxine Waters met this to work out their new number one issue: prison reform." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Rangel has been accused of 13 ethics violations, or as they call it in Washington, fundraising." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter’s wedding dress." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere." –Jay Leno

"Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. " –David Letterman

"President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there." –Jay Leno

"Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, 'Don't worry, all three murderers are American citizens.'" –Jay Leno

"Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Irony of iPhones

Let’s be clear from the start, iPhones suck.  The irony of the whole thing is that they are many things to many people and they have certainly been called many names, I’ve had a few choice words for them for sure, but they most certainly cannot be called a phone.

To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Some More Jokes From Jack Handey

Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or "thoughts".  I had posted some others on Monday but I had some more I wanted to  post so here they are:

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Funny Observations From the News - 08/03/10

Here are  some funny observations made about the news over the last week:

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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Monday, August 2, 2010

Some Jokes From Jack Handey

Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or "thoughts":

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that's what He's getting.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

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