Funny Quotes from Steve Martin

Here are some very funny quotes from Steve Martin.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

[Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
-- (at the 2003 Oscars®)

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats...or skinny.
-- (at the 2003 Oscars®)

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

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Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 11/27/09

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner." –Jay Leno

"The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one." –Jay Leno

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting." –Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he'll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years." –David Letterman

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood" –Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

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Thanksgiving is Upon Us Again

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

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Fun Holiday Decorating Ideas

With the holiday season upon us I thought I‘d come up with some alternative decorating ideas for some famous people (who are not necessarily known for their humorous side) that they may never have thought of before:

Bernie Madoff could forego the traditional floral centerpiece on the table in his cell, but instead substitute a cigarette pack centerpiece to conveniently give cigarettes to all the prisoners that come to visit him to discourage them from doing to him as he did to all his investors.

For Barack and Michelle Obama, instead of rushing out to buy new china, glasses and silverware for their holiday get-togethers they may want to consider renting them because it’s not that likely they will be in the White House after the next election.

To Joe Biden, flickering candle light in the window can really bring out the holiday spirit, but to remind the president that you still exist, you may want to make a bonfire.

A simple way to give your holiday decorations a professionally decorated look is to stick with just two or three colors.  So, for Ben Bernake you may want to narrow down the background colors that you print on the money that you are dropping out of the helicopters.

For Hilary Clinton you can substitute a gingerbread voodoo doll of Bill for the non-seasonal voodoo doll you have been using to poke into his sexual parts.

For CEOs of major corporations who received undeserved bonuses, you can hang red garland over the chandeliers to go along with the strands of green dollars you already have hanging there.

To Balloon Boy’s parents, if they happen to send up a holiday balloon with “their son inside” they may want to decorate it with green garland to fully enhance the holiday spirit of the police when they come to arrest you.

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

With Thanksgiving almost here, some humorous Thanksgiving quotes are in order:

George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with 'gourmet' status.

Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Anonymous
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

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Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 11/20/09

Here are the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!" –Jay Leno

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades." –David Letterman

"Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, 'Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don't want to hear.' Then he went back to trashing Fox News." –Jay Leno

"And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama 'make yourself at home,' so he took over Toyota. He's running it now." –Jay Leno

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Scientific Studies…Not So Much

If, as many women like to say, a man’s brain is in his penis, then getting circumcised as an adult would be like having a lobotomy.  And any man who consents to get getting circumcised in the first place is a little short on gray matter to begin with.

Yet, that is exactly what some men did to be part of a study where it was concluded that the men who were recently circumcised contracted less STD’s than the uncircumcised men over a two year period, supposedly due to less foreskin.  Foreskin, schmoreskin, the “scientists” conducting the study should have also concluded that the men who agreed to be circumcised were too sore for sex and too idiotic to attract a woman in the first place.

You got to love these “scientific” studies that you read about in the newspapers (no wonder newspapers are going out of business).  Another of these so-called studies concluded that men who played video games were fatter than men who didn’t play them.  Well DUH!  They have the most well conditioned thumbs but the rest of their bodies are seriously neglected.

Let’s just imagine how a video gamer would have survived in the 19^th century:

Farmer: It’s time to plow the field.

Video dude: Well, I never heard of that game, but I’m up for some virtual farming.

Farmer: (Incredulous, he looks around to see if he’s on Candid Camera) No, you grab the plow and hook it up to the mule.

Video dude: (wrinkles his forehead) Oh yeah, well, um, my thumbs are a little sore and the doctor told me I might be developing carpal tunnel syndrome.  So, I’m going to have to beg off on the plowing deal.

Farmer:  (Thinks to himself, that’s okay this guy doesn’t need to eat, he can live off of his fat for months) Maybe I’ll send you off to fight in the Civil War with my sons.

Video dude:  Now you’re talking , dude, I’m totally awesome at “World of Warcraft”.  My thumbs are feeling better already. Where’s the game room?

Farmer: (Shakes his head and thinks to himself, maybe I could have him feed the pigs and if I’m lucky he’ll get swine flu.  Then I can ship his fat ass back to the 21^st century and maybe he can get some of the free “pull the plug” healthcare that will probably be popular then.)

The last of the “silly science studies”, that somebody apparently got paid to do, concluded that men were more likely than women to suffer noise-induced hearing loss.  I’m sorry, the jokes just write themselves on this one, but I’m going to go with the really obvious one and say, again, DUH.  Of course they do from listening to their wives so much over the years (ba-dum-pum.)

Let’s face it, there is a lot of science that is very worthy (man going to the moon) and some that is very unworthy (socialized healthcare where all the sick people get to suffer equally) and some that is just a great source of humor (Al Gore inventing the Internet.)

But the real source of silly science is the government agencies that fund them.  So, to those people who approve them I say they should be part of the studies and be “rewarded” with a free lobotomy (the kind you see in paragraph #1.)

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Some Thanksgiving Humor

Here are some really funny Thanksgiving jokes that were sent to me by some readers:

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

***

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Pets are Good Medicine and More

Here are some fast humorous thoughts inspired by my dog.

Pets are often thought of as good medicine for sick people.  The Vietnamese take it one step further.  Pets are not only good medicine, but also good for lunch. (Note to self – never go to Vietnam and order a hot dog.)

People talk about a “dog’s life” like it’s a bad thing. Let’s see, they get to lay around and sleep all day, they get their food served to them, and they can lick themselves whenever they want.

Pets are useful in so many ways, like how Lassie would save Timmy every time that idiot kid fell down the well by getting his parents.   Now if Lassie could just learn to go down the well herself and pull the kid out without bothering the parent, so they could finish their martinis, then you really have something.

Dogs are much more loyal than cats.  Dogs will stick with their owners no matter what, whereas cats are more the like the Bill Clinton of pets, they wander around and you never know where they’ve just been.

Once my dog got house trained he would always relieve himself at the same place.  I swear he is the one who wrote the famous poem that starts out “I think that I shall never see a toilet lovely as a tree.”

I haven’t had much luck training my dog.  We were out for a walk and I said to him, “Heel. “  He looked at me kind of offended and said, “Asshole!”

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Funny Quotes From Joan Rivers

Here are some funny one line jokes from Joan Rivers:

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon”

“A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

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Best of the Late Night Jokes - 11/13/09

Here are some of the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

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Obama Claus to the Rescue

As I was walking through Wal-Mart the other day I couldn’t help but notice that the holiday season is upon us.  Unfortunately, for many people this year Christmas will not be the same.  And by that I mean that since Obama was elected President, to the poor, the crooks, criminals, people in Congress, (but I repeat myself) the needy, illegal aliens, CEO’s of large corporations, and every other sort of victimy type person, every day is now Christmas.  If you are looking for a handout then Obama is a more welcome site that any fat guy dressed in a red outfit at Christmas time could ever be.

It is a much sadder story for some children though.  Obama Claus will only be visiting the houses of children who have a household income of less than $250,000.  The only thing those evil rich kids will get is a letter from Obama’s Christmas Czar telling them they have to share all of their gifts with all the less fortunate children.

Obama gives people more hope for free money and stuff than the Nigerian businessman who just wrote you an e-mail telling you he wants to give you 20% of his fortune just for helping you get his money into the country and “it’s all very legal” just give your bank account information so he can deposit the money (wink, wink.)  Somehow I ‘m feeling more trusting of the Nigerian businessman and more hopeful that he’ll be able to deliver on his promise.

I can just imagine Obama Claus sitting in his chair at the mall at Christmas time with the line of children waiting to see him.  A young CEO is first in line.  He walks up to Obama Claus and sits on his lap:

Obama Claus: What would you like for Christmas little boy?

Young CEO: All I want for Christmas is for my company to flourish despite my mismanagement and greed.

Obama Claus: Ho, ho, ho, what a noble little boy you are.  (He points to his elves, played by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) Give this wonderful lad a check for a billion dollars, but only if he promises a big donation to my re-election campaign.  (The two elves drool and fall over each other as they rush to comply with Obama Claus’s every wish.)

Next in line is a young Hillary Clinton, who rushes up to sit on his lap:

Obama Claus: Hey, little girl you’re going to have to move a little bit, your pants suit got caught on my belt buckle. (She moves to make him happy, at least for the time being, until she gets what she really wants.)  So, anyway, what do you want for Christmas?

Young Hillary: Oh, I just want to be President.

Obama Claus: (looking to his elves) Give this kid the same thing we’ll be giving the people from FOX News. (He pushes her off his lap.)

Next is a young conservative Republican.  Hopefully, he rushes up to Obama Claus, who holds up his hand, motioning for him to stop.

Obama Claus: (Coldly to his elves) This kid gets the “pull the plug” type healthcare for Christmas. Next!

A young Joe Biden runs up to Obama Claus to sit in his lap.

Obama Claus: (To his elves) Do I know this kid from somewhere?  He looks familiar.  (They shrug their shoulders.)  (To the kid) Anyway, what do you want?

Young Joe: I just want you to acknowledge that I exist.

Obama Claus:  I gotta go now. (He ignores the kid and stands up dumping young Joe to the ground.) (He waves to all the other kids in line waiting for their promise of “hope and change”) Sorry, I don’t have time for you guys I have to get back to the White House so I can write my acceptance speech for my next Nobel Peace Prize, while also planning the next phase of the war in Afghanistan.

For my taste, I’ll continue believing in the real Santa Claus.

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It Could be Worse – Issue IV

It’s time for another episode of “It could be Worse” where you look at something you don’t like in your current life scene and make it better by comparing how it could be worse.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be a freshly made doughnut at Dunkin Donuts and a group of people come in who were about to audition for “The Biggest Loser” show.

(This week in the news there was actually a guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse, which he said he “did by accident”)

It could be worse, you could be that horse and have your feelings hurt when the guy who had sex with you said he did it by accident.

It could be worse, you could be the guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse… (I could stop there but I’ll continue) and when you are in the prison shower the other prisoners want you to oink like a pig and you wanted to neigh like a horse.

It could be worse, you could be Ronald McDonald and catch your wife having a burger with Jack, from Jack-in-the-Box.

It could be worse, you could die and after  your wife has you cremated you come back to visit her as a ghost you find out she has more than “one urn on the fireplace”.

It could be worse, you could be the size of the average fat -assed American citizen and you lose your job.  When you go out on the street with your ”will work for food” sign nobody hires you because they are afraid they couldn’t afford you.

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Obama Jokes From One Year Ago

Here are some late night jokes about Obama from before, during, and just after the election of just one year ago. Late night jokes are a great source of news and a lot more of a fun way to hear it:

"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

"And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman

"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn't that unbelievable?" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money." --Jay Leno

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." –Conan O'Brien

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Bill Cosby Quotes

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

***

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.

                                                                                                                        ***

People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

***

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

***

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

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Gray hair is God's graffiti.

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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

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When you become senile, you won't know it.

***

I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

 

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Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes, 11/06/09

Here are the some of the best jokes of this week by the late night comedians.

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon

"A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie." –Conan O'Brien

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman

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Almost a year, but whose counting?

We are closing in on one year since Barack Obama was elected as president, or as he says to the mirror every night, “that he was elected as God.”  Of course, if that were true he would be inundated with Americans praying to him for a time machine so the next three years could pass instantly so we can elect someone else.

I can just hear Obama’s re-election campaign slogan now, “at least I’m not Bush.”  Naturally, this will bring a wry smile to the face of George Bush every time he hears it since it reminds him of the secret he will carry to his grave, that he actually voted for Obama because, ”Obama will make me not look so bad.”

Obama is already preparing for his re-election by getting on Facebook and seeing how many “friends” he can gather.  He assumed he was obligated to get onto all the social media sites like Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, etc. because he thought they were referred to as “socialism media”.  Since he cleared up that misconception he has lost a lot of interest.  Now, Bush also got caught up in the social media craze.  But, as you can imagine he got a little confused.  He told Laura he was afraid to get onto “MyFace” because if he got any “friends” there they might be bullies and sit on his face like Dick Cheney used to do when they got in the Oval Office alone together.

Obama has used television way more than any president ever imagined he could.  Now he may be going a bit too far.  The other day he met with some television executives.  He wants them to develop a show for him and call it “Dancing with Healthcare”.  He’ll host it but Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be the main dancers.  If the show fails he can blame it on them because they have too many left feet.  Naturally Obama thinks since he is involved it will be too big to fail and he will likely win an Emmy for the show.  But, if not, no problem, he has that Nobel Peace Prize to fall back on.

By the way, that Nobel Peace Prize has Bill Clinton really ticked off.  He thinks he should have won it himself but he does take consolation in the fact that he could have won the Nobel “Piece” Prize if they gave an award for that kind of thing.  In fact, he is in communication with Playboy and Hustler about sponsoring that award so he can win it while he’s still in his prime.  Of course, Monica Lewinsky could argue he was past his prime already back when he was president.  Otherwise, he would have never ruined her dress with those stains.

It would appear that Obama is starting to backslide on that whole “hope and change“ feel-good thing that he got elected on .  Instead, he has resorted to having Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi parade up and down the halls of Congress with sandwich boards that say “will work for healthcare.”  If he is not careful his legacy, if healthcare passes, could be that the cliché of “Nothing is certain except death and taxes” is taken to a whole new level of truth.

Fox News has other plans for Obama.  They are hoping to put an end to all the “pork” projects that are coming out of the Obama administration.  When it comes to re-election time they are intent on borrowing a line from Porky Pig, “Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, that’s all folks.”

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Some Late Night Obama Humor

I realize Obama is an easy target for humor but it was a slow humor day so here are some good late night jokes about President Obama:

"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher

"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

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Dave Barry Classic Quotes

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

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Jokes for the World Series

Since we are into the World Series I thought I'd do a few lines about that today:

They were going to have Ben Bernake throw out the first pitch of the World Series but they were afraid that by the time the ball reached home plate it would have been inflated to the size of a balloon and then everybody would be looking for the "balloon boy", who couldn't be found anywhere, and the game would never get started.

Next, they asked Hilary Clinton to throw out the first pitch but she said no, unless Obama was willing to stand in at the plate.  Baseball officials said that the first pitch in this tradition doesn't have a batter.  Hillary said, "Who said I wanted him to have a bat?"…  Baseball officials wisely declined.

The Yankees looked like they barely showed up for the first game of the series.  I guess they were working on the Obama and Fed premise that they were "too big to fail'.

There were a lot of celebrities in the stands when they played in New York.  There was even a reality show producer there and after the first game he tried to get CC Sabathia to be on "The Biggest Loser".  (Hey what did you expect, I'm a Phillies fan.)

I understand that Obama tried to appoint a Baseball Czar before the World Series but when he decreed there would be no real winner or loser in the series Baseball Officials put that idea to a halt.

It was not publicly known but they almost ran out of balls in one of the games so Alex Rodriguez made the suggestion to put the game on steroids so they could grow a whole new set if they needed to.

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