Best Late Night Jokes of 2011

Here are some of the best jokes of the year from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

''Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?'' —Jon Stewart , on Weinergate

''This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house.'' —Jay Leno

''Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?'' —Jay Leno

''The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.''' —Craig Ferguson

''Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.''' —Jimmy Fallon

''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, 'Why is a woman talking?''' —Conan O'Brien

''On 'Good Morning America' yesterday, President Obama said that he's confident that Anthony Weiner will bounce back. Great that's all we need, a bouncing Weiner.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.''' —Conan O'Brien

''While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.'' —Jay Leno

''Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side.'' —Jay Leno

''If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he's not on the Intelligence Committee.'' —Jay Leno

''A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser. The guy said it wouldn't have been so bad if Biden wasn't already in there for the same reason.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff.'' —Craig Ferguson, on Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair with his maid

''President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They're all in Farmville.'' —Conan O'Brien

''President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for re-election. In a related story, Steven Seagal removes himself from Oscar contention.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner.'' —Conan O'Brien

''The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Apparently, Congressman Weiner has called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. That's when you know you have a problem. Your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton!'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.'' —Conan O'Brien

''It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.''' —Conan O'Brien

''Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.'' —Jay Leno

''Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress.'' —Jay Leno

''Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor.'' —Jay Leno

''The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we'll be fighting them.'' —David Letterman

''Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let's make politicians illegal and keep the hookers.  At least they're upfront about screwing you.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.'' —David Letterman

''George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.'' —Conan O'Brien

''The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.'' —Conan O'Brien

''We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.'' —Jay Leno

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Funny Observation from Current Events - 12/27/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

North Korean leader Kim Jong II passed away last week at 69.  In lieu of flowers, the flower requests that you send instructions on how to make nuclear weapons.

It is unclear how Kim Jong II died but there are many theories.  The most likely theory is that he died of an overdose of sunglasses.

News was leaked to the LA Times and the NY Times that the Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement netted his wife almost $100 million.  The source of the leak was believed to be Kobe Bryant’s wife.

According to a survey “whatever” was the most annoying word of 2011.  I can think of many words way more annoying than that, such as Congress, Obamacare, etc.  You get the idea.

Scientists are warning that the world supply of frankincense could be cut in half over the next 15 years.  Presumably, this is because they are expecting an increase in Wise Men.  Women are doubting this theory.

According to a new survey, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana.  That is not surprising at all since many of the people that are now grandparents were pot head back in the 60s and 70s.

According to a new study, Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones that they are overweight.  The theory here is that they will probably already be fighting anyway at the family get-together.

A Congressman from Wisconsin apparently thought he’d put that theory to the test and said that Michelle Obama had a big butt.  It did not go over well.  The flaw in his thinking is that she is a Democrat and he is a Republican, so they are not loved ones.

Yet another study says that joggers who drink coffee before they jog can run a lot faster, especially if they got the coffee at Starbucks because then their pockets were a lot lighter.

Ex-Congressman, Anthony Weiner, who resigned after sexually explicit photographs and emails of himself were revealed, had a baby son with his wife last week.  He posted picture of him on Facebook with the title, “My little Weiner.”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/23/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Well, folks, it's that time of the year when the jolly man with the big belly stops by for his once-a-year visit. That's right, Charles Barkley on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! –Jay Leno

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people? –Jay Leno

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. –Jay Leno

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives. –Jay Leno

I found out my secret Santa was Kim Jong Il. Three days in a row I got sunglasses, then nothing. –Conan O’Brien

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug. –Conan O’Brien

There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. -David Letterman

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. –Craig Ferguson

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it “Billy,” then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, “Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was “whatever.” Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.” –Jimmy Fallon

In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice — the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song: “The 12 Days of Marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? –Jay Leno

North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. –Jay Leno

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap." –Jay Leno

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February. –Jay Leno

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset. –Conan O’Brien

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded. –Conan O’Brien

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants. -David Letterman

Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate. -David Letterman

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.” -David Letterman

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out. –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, “You’re welcome.” –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill. –Jimmy Fallon

I've got to admit, Christmas is strange in Los Angeles. People in Hollywood marvel when they see the nativity scene because rarely do people in this town ever see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time. –Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. –Jay Leno

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. –Jay Leno

President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying. –Jay Leno

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His Story of the Night Before Christmas

It’s nearly Christmas Eve.  That can be one of the most relaxing days of the year.  You’ve either finished your shopping or said, “Oh, the hell with it,” you get to push aside your worry if you are going to be fired from your job because of your Christmas party antics and you have until after Christmas day to think about how you are going to pay for all the presents you bought.

So, anyway, I talked to my neighbor the other day and he told me about his Christmas Eve last year which was not a very relaxing event at all.  It was pretty stressful when you get right down to it.

The night started off pretty good.  They got the kids to bed and he said it was almost like there were sugar plums dancing in their heads.  It was real quiet and he and his wife had just settled down and according to him he was hoping for a little action.  That’s when the trouble started.  He heard this damn mouse start to screech and since his wife hated mice he had to go hunt it down.  While he was looking for the mouse he heard this clatter arising out in the yard.  So in a flash he tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (to be clear the sash was not something he had eaten, it was the window.)

As soon as he was able to get it open far enough, because it was stuck from a sloppy paint job last summer, he yelled out, “Hey, what the hell’s going on out there?  Shut up or I’m calling the cops.  I don’t care if it is Christmas Eve.”

Well, this didn’t seem to matter to the guy out on the lawn.  He was yelling to somebody, “On Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen, and Donner, and Cupid, hurry up there’s going to be a blizzard.” (or something like that.)  This was news to my neighbor because he heard the weather was supposed to be clear.  Anyway, from the names, he didn’t know if this was some gay dance troupe, or what, and then he heard them up on his roof and he really started to freak out.  But he did figure if it was just a bunch of gay dancers he could handle it, even if there were a lot of them, but still!

Then it got worse.  He heard somebody sliding down the chimney.  His first thought was he had packed away his shotgun because he didn’t have a permit to have a gun since he just didn’t think that was right to have to get one.  But, anyway, he ran to the top of the steps.  Then he remembered that while he did have a chimney it just led to his furnace, he had no fireplace.  Miraculously, this guy got into his living room, sure, he was covered with tarnish and soot, but what would you expect since he just came out of the furnace.

This guy was a fat little elf with white hair and a beard and he was dressed in an outfit that pretty much confirmed the gay theory.  But the good part was he had a bag full of toys with him and he was putting them under the tree and into his kid’s stockings.  This guy wasn’t robbing him he was leaving gifts!  He didn’t speak a word but went straight to his work, filled all the stocking and turned like a jerk.  (I’m not sure how he turned that my neighbor thought he was a jerk, but that’s what he said.)

Then somehow he flew up the chimney and to the gay dancers he whistled and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.  (I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing it’s a homosexual thing since he was whistling at the gay dancers.  Hey, I’m not judging, I’m just telling the story.)

They all flew away somehow but he shouted as he left, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Admittedly, sometimes my neighbor can be full of you know what, but it did make for a good story worth repeating.  Merry Christmas everybody!

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It Could Be Worse – Issue 19

Here is another version of "It Could Be Worse" where we take a look at how things could always be way worse than they seem to be.

It Could be Worse:

You could be Barbara Walters and not really understand the phrase, “Most Fascinating Person.”

You could be Rick Perry and after making all the major gaffes you’ve made lately you realize that you are running for president, not vice-president.

You could be Lindsay Lohan and have trouble at Christmastime finding good necklaces to steal as presents.

You could be a person with really bad ringing in your ears and the only reason you went to see the movie, ”The Adventures of Tintin,” was because you thought it was a documentary on tinnitus.

You could be Newt Gingrich and you keep gaining weight while running for President so that you can be in touch with the common American citizen.

You could be a man on Christmas eve and realize there are no more days for you to procrastinate about shopping.

You could be Justin Beiber and have you dreams shattered this year when you realized there is no Santa Claus.

You could be Rudolph and you heard that all the reindeer meat has been sold out.

You could be a parking space at the most far end of the mall and you know that after Christmas you won’t be used again for another year.

You could be an “Occupy” protester and your only hope is for a definite cause is if Santa Claus delivers it to you.

…or you could be an “Occupy “ protester and you win the lottery and then you become one of the 1%.

You could be sexting someone and realize that you forgot your little plastic bag to put around your cell phone so that you were not able to practice safe sexting.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/16/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. –Jay Leno

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party. –Jay Leno

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. –Jay Leno

According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones. –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.” –Conan O’Brien

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one. –Conan O’Brien

Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.” –Conan O’Brien

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born? –Craig Ferguson

Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention. –Craig Ferguson

Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates. –Craig Ferguson

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." –Jay Leno

Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the “country of Solyndra.” If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now? –Jay Leno

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people. –Jay Leno

I looked all over Hollywood today and I was unable to find a partridge in a pear tree. But I did find a pigeon in a homeless person's beard. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up. –Jimmy Kimmel

This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? –Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair. –Jay Leno

In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. –Jay Leno

Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? –Jay Leno

A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time. . –Conan O’Brien

Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.” . –Conan O’Brien

Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago. . –Conan O’Brien

Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I'll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed. –David Letterman

A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America. –David Letterman

A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Schools here in Los Angeles aren't allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he's wearing gang colors. –Jay Leno

President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles. –Jay Leno

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, "See? That's what I’ve been trying to tell people.” –Jay Leno

President Obama said he is “very concerned” about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote “very concerned” about the drop in Nickelodeon’s ratings. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it, “Told you we had everything!” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened — which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian. –Jimmy Fallon

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Christmas With Dear Crabby

Today, since we are in the midst of the Christmas season, I thought I’d give Dear Crabby, our guest advice columnist, another shot at showing she might actually have a human side.  At least I’m hoping the Christmas spirit can bring it out of her.

Crabby:  Bah Humbug!

Damn! I knew you’d ruin it, Crabby.

Crabby: (laughing evilly) Oh, Steve, you jokeless, twit-like wonder, don’t you know when someone’s yanking your chain?  No one loves Christmas more than me. It brings out the craziness in people and they send me a lot more letters.  A girl’s gotta work, ya know?

What a lovely Christmas sentiment, Crabby!  Your problem is you are just mean.

Crabby:  Wow! With rapier-like comebacks as witless as that I can see why you need me to liven up this site.

Whatever!  Let’s get this over with and let you insult a few people with your ridiculous advice and then you’ll leave.

Crabby:  Thank you for the lovely introduction you insipid drone.  To our first letter:

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend’s taste runs a little different than mine.  What should I do if I don’t really like the present he gets me for Christmas?

Lost in the Holidays

Dear Lost in the Holidays,

I’m going to assume that, by his “taste runs a little different” than yours that, being a man, his taste is not only bad but he’s also a cheap bastard, at least when it comes to buying presents for you.  Not so much with the cheap when he buys something for himself.  Am I right? (Don’t actually answer that, it was rhetorical, and I don’t care what you have to say about it anyway.)

You’re not married yet so you have several options.  First option: you could tell him that his taste sucks and if expects to get “it” for Christmas he better come up with something better than this.  Second option: you could try to exchange it or return it.  If you can’t do one of those without a receipt donate it to Goodwill so you can at least get that garbage out of your house.  The third option: if you didn’t like my first or second option you could write to another advice columnist who actually gives a damn.

Crabby

(Time for a little break for a swig of the Christmas spirit…Ahhhh! That was good (hiccup) onward to the next letter.)

Dear Crabby,

My kids get so excited just before Christmas that it is hard to have any control of them. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle that?

Tired Mother

Dear Tired Mother,

Give them a shot of whiskey and put them to bed.  That will shut them up and let them sleep really well.  Then have a couple big gulps of the stuff yourself!  It’s working for me right now!!  (Oh crap, I just dropped my glass…no problem the bottle is still working –woooo!!)

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m looking for a romantic place to take my new girlfriend on a date.  I’m looking for something that is not too expensive, yet both fun and romantic.  Any suggestions?

A Romantic guy

Dear Romantic guy,

Can your cheap ass afford a bottle of booze? You can take the bottle with you while you take her to her bedroom.  That covers being cheap, fun and how much more romantic can you get than sex?

When you’re done with her you can come over to my place…just make sure it’s good booze.

Crabby

(Steve interrupts)  Okay, Crabby you’re done.  Go home and sleep it off.

Merry Christmas everybody!

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Quotes from "It's a Wonderful Life"

Since I am a big fan of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," and it's the Christmas season I thought this would be a great time to show these quotes from the movie.  For me, since I've seen it so many times, it was like watching the movie again.  (If you enjoy this come back next Wednesday and there will be more quotes from the movie.)

George Bailey: Just a minute... just a minute. Now, hold on, Mr. Potter. You're right when you say my father was no businessman. I know that. Why he ever started this cheap, penny-ante Building and Loan, I'll never know. But neither you nor anyone else can say anything against his character, because his whole life was... why, in the 25 years since he and his brother, Uncle Billy, started this thing, he never once thought of himself. Isn't that right, Uncle Billy? He didn't save enough money to send Harry away to college, let alone me. But he did help a few people get out of your slums, Mr. Potter, and what's wrong with that? Why... here, you're all businessmen here. Doesn't it make them better citizens? Doesn't it make them better customers? You... you said... what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they're so old and broken down that they... Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5,000? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well in my book, my father died a much richer man than you'll ever be!

---

George Bailey: [yelling at Uncle Billy] Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison! That's what it means! One of us is going to jail... well, it's not gonna be me!

---

Nick: [ringing the cash register repeatedly] Get me. I'm givin' out wings!

---

Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.
[Potter chuckles]
Mr. Potter: You're worth more dead than alive! Why don't you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you have $8,000? You know why? Because they'd run you out of town on a rail. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, George. Since the state examiner is still here, as a stockholder of the Building and Loan, I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest. Misappropriation of funds, manipulation, malfeasance...
[sees George runs off]
Mr. Potter: All right, George, go ahead, George! You can't hide in a little town like this!

---

Nick: Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?
George Bailey: [intervening] Nick, hold on. Just give him the same as mine. He's no trouble.
Nick: Okay.
[Nick walks away to tend to the bar]
George Bailey: [to Clarence] What's the matter with him? I never saw Nick act like that before.
Clarence: You'll see a lot of strange things from now on.

---

Uncle Billy: After all, Potter, some people like George HAD to stay at home. Not every heel was in Germany and Japan.

---

Nick: [slamming a bottle on the bar] That's it! Out you two pixies go... through the door, or out the window!
George Bailey: Hold on, Nick! What's wrong?
Nick: That's another thing. Where do you come off calling me Nick?
George Bailey: Well... Nick, that's your name. Isn't it?
Nick: What does that have to do with anything? I don't know you from Adam's off Ox.

---

George Bailey: Now, come on, get your clothes on, and we'll stroll up to my car and get... Oh, I'm sorry. I'll stroll. You fly.
Clarence: I can't fly! I haven't got my wings.
George Bailey: You haven't got your wings. Yeah, that's right.

---

George Bailey: Well, maybe I left the car up at Martini's. Well, come on, Gabriel.
Clarence: Clarence!
George Bailey: Clarence. Right... Clarence.

---

[George has discovered his brother Harry's tombstone]
Clarence: [explaining] Your brother, Harry Bailey, broke through the ice and was drowned at the age of nine.
George Bailey: That's a lie! Harry Bailey went to war! He got the Congressional Medal of Honor! He saved the lives of every man on that transport!
Clarence: Every man on that transport died. Harry wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Harry.

---

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?
George Bailey: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

---

Clarence: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

---

[George returns to the bridge where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life]
George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.
[it begins to snow again]
Bert: [shouts] Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?
George Bailey: Now get outta here, Bert, or I'll hit you again! Get outta here!
Bert: What the sam hill you yellin' for, George?
George Bailey: You...
[suddenly stunned]
George Bailey: George... Bert? Do you know me?

Bert: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over town trying to find you. I saw your car plowed into that tree down there and I thought maybe you - hey, your mouth's bleeding. Are you sure you're all right?
George Bailey: What the...
[licks the corner of his lip and checks his mouth with his hand]
George Bailey: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My mouth's bleeding, Bert! My mouth's bleeding! Zuzu's petals... Zuzu...
George Bailey: [checking his pocket] There they are! Bert, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!

---

George Bailey: I wanna live again!

---

George Bailey: You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?

---

Mr. Potter: What have you been doing lately, George? Playing the market with the company's money?
George Bailey: No, of course not.
Mr. Potter: Or is it a woman you're involved with? It's all over town that you've been giving money to Violet Bick.
George Bailey: What?
Mr. Potter: Not that it's any skin off my nose.

---

George Bailey: You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn't, Mr. Potter. In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider! And...
[turning to his aide]
George Bailey: And that goes for you, too!

---

Clarence: You've been given a great gift, George: A chance to see what the world would be like without you.

---

Clarence: You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?

---

Harry Bailey: A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town.

---

Ernie Bishop: Just a minute! Quiet everybody! Quiet, quiet. Now get this, it's from London.
Ma Bailey: Oh!
Ernie Bishop: [Reading the telegram in his hand] Mr. Gower cabled you need cash, stop. My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars, stop. Hee Haw and Merry Christmas! Sam Wainwright.

---

Mary: Bread... that this house may never know hunger.
[Mary hands a loaf of bread to Mrs. Martini]
Mary: Salt... that life may always have flavor.
[Mary hands a box of salt to Mrs. Martini]
George Bailey: And wine... that joy and prosperity may reign forever. Enter the Martini Castle.
[George hands Mr. Martini a bottle of wine]

---

[last lines]
Zuzu Bailey: Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
George Bailey: That's right, that's right.
George Bailey: Attaboy, Clarence.

---

[first lines]
Mr. Gower: I owe everything to George Bailey. Help him, dear Father.

---

Annie: I been savin' this money for a divorce, if ever I got a husband.

---

Little Violet: [commenting on George] I like him.
Little Mary: You like every boy.
Little Violet: What's wrong with that?

---

George Bailey: Well, you look about the kind of angel I'd get. Sort of a fallen angel, aren't you? What happened to your wings?

---

George Bailey: Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to jail!

---

Clarence: [In book inscription] Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.

---

George Bailey: [on Mary being caught naked in the bushes] This is a very interesting situation!

---

George Bailey: Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!

---

Clarence: Ohh, there must be some easier way for me to get my wings.

---

George Bailey: I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that.

---

Annie: Boys and girls and music. Why do they need gin?

---

George Bailey: I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long...

---

George Bailey: Now, you listen to me! I don't want any plastics, and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get married - ever - to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do. And you're... and you're...
[runs out of words, sees her crying]
George Bailey: Oh, Mary, Mary...
Mary: George... George... George...
George Bailey: [kisses her intensely] Mary... Would you?... Would you?...

---

George Bailey: Now, will you do something for me?
Zuzu Bailey: What?
George Bailey: Will you try and get some sleep?
Zuzu Bailey: I'm not sleepy. I want to look at my flower.
George Bailey: I know-I know, but you just go to sleep, and then you can dream about it, and it'll be a whole garden.
Zuzu Bailey: It will?
George Bailey: Uh-huh.

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Funny Observations From Current Events - 12/13/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Larry King says he wants to be cryogenetically frozen when he dies.  Who knew he was still alive?

Donald Trump is going to moderate one of the upcoming Republican debates.  He agreed to do it because he gets to fire one of the candidates.

So far only Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have RSVPed for the debate Donald Trump will be hosting.  Since no one knew Santorum was still in the race it will be like Gingrich is debating with himself, which gives him the title of masterdebater.

President Obama is being criticized for taking a 17 day vacation at this time, especially, since in just a year he’ll be going on a permanent vacation.

Former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich got sentenced to 14 years in prison.  That was 7 years for fraud and 7 years for a really bad hairstyle.

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight for not turning off his cell phone and then being rude.  You really can’t fault him for being rude, though, since it’s what he does and he has honed it to a fine art.  ( As a side note, the skit he did on SNL was really very funny but I think he can kiss goodbye the possibility of ever flying on American Airlines again.)

The world’s oldest dog has passed away in Japan at the age of 26 years and 8 months.  What really makes it unusual is that in Japan dogs are usually eaten way before that.

The E! Network has announced there are going to be multiple spinoffs of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”  One of the spinoffs will be “Keeping up with all the Kardashian shows.”

A study has found that rats are actually really nice.  Yet that is very contradictory to all the other previous studies about Congress.

For the second week in a row a dog has “accidentally” shot their owner.  It almost as if these dogs are becoming cats.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 12/06/11 to 12/08/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten lists from last week, always funny:

Top Ten Signs Your Local News Team Is Drunk

10.Whenever somebody says "Obama," they all do a shot of Jager

9.As temperatures drop, so do the weatherman's pants

8.Trouble pronouncing "gubernatorial"

7.Cool news theme replaced with Grand Funk Railroad's greatest hits

6.Constantly shouting "Our top story: I'm effin' wasted!"

5.Can barely hear the news over the sound of the blender

4.Business attire replaced with hilarious "It's happy hour somewhere" T-shirts

3.Program interrupted by delivery of party ice

2.Its just 30 minutes of horseplay

1.Anchorman and anchorwoman strip naked and play "This just in"

Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10.Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder

9.This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing

8.Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or jacuzzi?

7.Congratulations, I hear you're going to Vail. Wait, nevermind

6.Hey, it's your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?

5.Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich

4.Hey, it's Dave. Tonight's Top Ten List is about you. Nice work

3.It's 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?

2.This is President Obama. I'm granting you a full pardon. Nah, I'm just screwing with you

1.It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Top Ten Ways The Super Earth Is Different From Earth

10.It's 2.4 times the size of Earth, or roughly the size of Regis Philbin's wallet

9.Every Tuesday is Ladies Night

8.Waffles even more delicious

7.The whole planet? Free WiFi

6.Most popular funk band: Super Earth, Wind, and Fire

5.On this planet Oates has the mustache; on that planet, Hall has the mustache

4.Most popular insult: "What, were you born on regular Earth?"

3.No designated hitter

2.Has creamy caramel center

1.If you think Oprah's great, wait until you meet Super Oprah

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Best Jokes of the Week From Late Night - 12/09/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino." –Conan O'Brien

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno

"The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino's, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars..." –Jay Leno

"Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday...he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn't find a date." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas." –Jay Leno

"To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is." –Jay Leno

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." –Jay Leno

"We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he's a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, 'Look, one of Santa's elves!'" –David Letterman

"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman

"Everybody's talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman." –Jimmy Fallon

"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife." –Craig Ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, it was so cold that Christmas shoppers here at the Wal-Mart pepper sprayed each other just to feel the burn. –Jay Leno

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor. –Jay Leno

According to reports, one of Moammar Gadhafi’s sons had an elaborate plan to sneak into Mexico. Authorities broke up the plan before it took place. Believe me, if there's one thing Mexico will not stand for, it’s people sneaking over their border. –Jay Leno

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam. –Jay Leno

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister's exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them.” –Conan O'Brien

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. –Conan O'Brien

Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty. –David Letterman

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. –David Letterman

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair. –Craig Ferguson

To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian's marriage and add 14 years. –Craig Ferguson

He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up three seats for standby passengers. –Craig Ferguson

The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a designer in New York unveiled a bottle of perfume that costs $1 million. Yeah, a million bucks for a few ounces of liquid. Which explains its name: “Starbucks.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil. –Jimmy Fallon

This month marks the 19th anniversary of the text message. Man, I can’t believe that 20 years ago, we didn’t have the ability to write someone and let them know, “Hey, just called you.” –Jimmy Fallon

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The Holidays and Getting Fat(ter)

The holidays can be a tough time of year for many Americans.  I’m not saying that because of the so-called holiday stress but because America’s collective asses are already way too big and this is the time of year they tend to get a lot bigger.  People used to talk about California breaking off into the ocean because of an earthquake but these days there is more of a danger of the country splitting apart at the seams, say the Mississippi River, from all of the fat people spread throughout the country.

These days fat Americans are so addicted to sugar they are even eating the fruitcakes that have been being re-gifted year after year, possibly threatening extinction of the fruitcake (since they haven’t made new ones for a long time.)

Apparently, at this time of year the eating hormone kicks in and people are compelled to eat or drink everything in front of them, especially if it is sweet, greasy or alcoholic.  This previously unknown hormone then gave birth to the New Year’s resolution where everybody resolves to lose weight, failing already on New Year’s Day because they are too hung over, they give up on the whole thing.

Then a new year leads to a gradual weight gain until they hit another holiday season where the fat clings to the body like a meat dress does to Lady Gaga.  The whole vicious cycle starts again which is why power walking has given way to power waddling as a great source of exercise in America.

The holiday season is good for the economy, even after the fact, because of all the people who keep getting fatter have to buy new clothes, except for skinny pants.  The sale of skinny pants definitely suffers from the holidays, except for that occasional female who tries to fit a size 14 body into a pair of skinny pants and makes it look like their ass is about to explode. (Even they wouldn’t have the nerve to ask, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  But they, somehow, still try to pull it off.)  You see them walk by and look at the person you are with and all you can say is, “Seriously?”  It’s the one time that a man can look at a woman’s rear end with their spouse in attendance and not get in trouble because there are just some things you can’t not look at.

While there are probably some people who actually lose weight during the holidays, they would never admit it though, because there would be too many fat people that would be pissed at them and would probably want to do them bodily harm, most likely by sitting on them.

The best thing to do regarding weight gain at this time of year is try to look on the bright side. Turn a negative into a positive.  Don’t think of it as getting fatter, think of it as expanding the awareness of yourself.  And as gravy on top of that (oops, sorry) think of it as income potential because you might soon be able to play Santa Claus.

I hadn’t realize this until someone just pointed it out to me, but stressed spelled backwards spells desserts so it just seems natural that the stress of holidays should cause one to eat desserts and be justified.  But just as a word of warning, if you do that don’t stand too close to the Mississippi River at Christmas time.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/02/11

(My computer was down last week so I didn't get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien

"Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot.  In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department." –Jay Leno

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno

"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno

"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno

"It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, 'When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States." –Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement." –Jimmy Fallon

"I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named 'Jihad.' Or as the TSA put it, 'Hope you like Amtrak!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: “Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O'Brien

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I'm just curious, how many people were here for "Two and a Half Men" and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O'Brien

In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O'Brien

There's a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What's credit?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 12/06/11

Here are some funny observations based on keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Before he dropped out of the GOP race, Herman Cain was asked about foreign affairs and his response was, “Now that’s something I have definitely not had.”

Ricky Martin is in talks to join the cast of Glee.  The producers are hoping if he does join the cast that it won’t make it look like a gay show.

Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone.  If it’s really smart it won’t be letting it’s users spend so much time on Facebook.

Jon Huntsman was openly pushing for Herman Cain to get out of the GOP presidential race.  He said, “We have more important issues to talk about than the latest bimbo eruption.”  For Huntsman a more important issues would be to ask, “Who is Jon Huntsman?”

President Obama met in the Oval Office with Timothy Geithner, the Treasury Secretary, on Monday.  He started the conversation with, “China hasn’t foreclosed yet, have they?”

Since the US Post Office is facing bankruptcy they are going to be making cuts that will slow down the delivery. Good plan!  Make the service crappier to increase your business.

For your Christmas gifts and cards to arrive on time you will need to have mailed them last week.

December is National Identity Awareness Month.  Identity thieves are proud to have their own specially designated month.  After they are caught and in prison they’ll have a special time designated for them there too, which is “Bend Over in the Shower to Pick Up Your Soap Awareness Month.”

According to a survey, only 1% of teenagers sext.  They said they were too busy having sex with their teachers to be sexting.

A high school principal from the Bronx is in hot water for a Facebook photo of her with a topless man drizzling chocolate sauce on her.  She’ll be in detention all next week after school and several male students have volunteered to supervise the detention.

NY police officers accidentally ate the pizza and drank the sodas bought by two Occupy protesters they had arrested minutes earlier.  They said it wasn’t a big deal because they also went to the bathroom for the protesters to relieve themselves of the pizza and sodas.

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Funny Quotes About Christmas

Here are some funny quotes about Christmas and the holiday season, in general:

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11//29/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?...Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/21/11 to 11/23/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You Ate Too Much At Thanksgiving Dinner

10.You're sweatin' giblets

9.By the time everyone finished saying grace, you were having seconds

8.Like parade balloons, you require a dozen handlers to navigate you to the couch

7.To pry you from your chair, family slathers you in Crisco

6.Asked yourself, "What would Chris Christie do?"

5.Pants button popped and knocked out grandma

4.You're visible from the International Space Station

3.Your skin has taken on the hue of ham glaze

2.Your ass went from Kourtney to Kim

1.You have to loosen the buckle on your watch

 

Top Ten Super Committee Excuses

10."Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee"

9."Got distracted by Congress's new 'Donkey Kong' machine"

8."Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces"

7."When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new Twilight movie, you see the new Twilight movie"

6."Quit early to get in line for the black Friday sale at Annie Sez"

5."It's the curse of the chupacabra"

4."We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses"

3."It's Robert Wagner's fault"

2."Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done"

1."President Santorum will figure it out"

 

Top Ten Other Articles In the Al Qaeda Magazine

10."How To Winterize Your Beard"

9."Sexiest Mullah Alive"

8."Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab"

7."Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage"

6."101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions"

5."What's the Right Shoe Bomb For You?"

4."2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year"

3."An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney"

2."Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spiderhole"

1."Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?"

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Thanksgiving, Pilgrims and Computers

Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer.  (What can I say?  I had some free time since  my computer wasn’t working.)  Anyway, this is what I came up with:

Female Pilgrim:  Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.

Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou.   I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming  over and all the cooking thouest needs  to do.

Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron.  To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer.  I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.

Male Pilgrim:  Oh that, yeah, I cannot.  Windows is not working.

Female Pilgrim:  I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working.  What does that matter anyway?  It’s November in New England.  We don’t need the windows open.

Male Pilgrim:  No dearest, wife.  Windows is the operating system on the computer.  If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.

Female Pilgrim:  Oh, well, I guess that is good.  That means thouest can’t look at porn now.

Male Pilgrim:  No, no, no, darling.  I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.

Female Pilgrim:  Thouest are full of excrement from the cow.  I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.

Male Pilgrim:  Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.

Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH!   Sometimes  I  wish  those Indians had never  even given us that computer.  I think maybe we should just give it back to them.

Male Pilgrim:  But then people would call us “Indian givers.”

Female Pilgrim:  That is not what that term means!  Thouest really are a moron!

Male Pilgrim:  Whateverest.

Female Pilgrim:  Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight.  You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.

Male Pilgrim:  Well, thouest spends too  much  time  on  chat lines.

The camera (there had to be a camera in this  movie that is  going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.)  They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.

First Indian:  They give us diseases, we give them computers.

They high five again.

Back to the Pilgrim couple.

Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I'm going to watch football.

Female Pilgrim:  Watch what?

Male Pilgrim:  Football, it's an American tradition every Thanksgiving.

Female Pilgrim:  (Exasperated)  But this is the first Thanksgiving!

Male Pilgrim:  Then I guess I'll be starting the tradition.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/14/11 to 11/17/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Regis

10.Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan

9.The endless complaining

8.His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne

7.Did I mention the endless complaining

6.The way he always lets you pay for dinner

5.Who do you think killed Osama?

4.The various talented actors who have played Regis

3.His antique car collection and his enormous chin

2.When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from "Beautiful Baby Week"

1.This (VT: Shirtless Regis)

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At "Live! With Regis And Kelly"

10."And you are...?"

9."It's one of Regis' last shows -- try not to ruin it"

8."Hair and makeup? What's the point?"

7."Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show"

6."Please tell me you're not Regis' replacement"

5."Gelman frisks all of the guests"

4."Just what we need, another whiny old guy"

3."Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?"

2."There he is -- get him!"

1."Right this way, Conan"

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During This Moment

10."Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"

9."I told them politics was off limits"

8."Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"

7."Why the hell am I in Milwaukee?"

6."Uh, 9-9-9?"

5."What would Rick Dees do?"

4."I'm gonna be on YouTube!"

3."I should have called Bob Costas"

2."These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"

1."Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10.Goodbye eggs benedict; hello eggs Newt

9.Beatles broke up because "Newt" couldn't get along with "Newt"

8.Trump would be known as "The Newt"

7.Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!

6.Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt"

5.The mother on "How I Met Your Mother": Newt

4.When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, "Be more specific, Newt"

3.On "Jeopardy," people just keep buzzing in and saying, "Who is Newt?"

2.When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey

1.You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

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