Thursday, September 30, 2010

Stupid Politicians and the Beat Goes On

I love the fall season.  It means the weather is getting cooler, the holidays, which I really enjoy, are getting close and best of all is that there is just over a month until those ridiculously idiotic  political commercials will come to an end.

Since I live in Nevada I have to hear Harry Reid, in his whiny voice (yes, his voice sounds just like you’d expect) say that he “approves of this message.”  Not too many Nevadans, or any other Americans, would say approve and Harry Reid in the same sentence.

I don’t know who would believe a political commercial anyway.  One of the qualifications of being a politician is to be a chronic liar.  Just ask the wives of John Edwards or Al Gore if that is true.  And they were both near the top of pile of dung called politicians.  I guess you could compare politics to a game of golf, the more you score the worse off you are and those two evidently scored a lot.  It just so hard to imagine from Gore though, at least John Edwards had the hair, all Al Gore had was a big bucket of boring.  And don’t even get me going about Bill Clinton.

I told you not to get me going….here I go.  One good thing you can say about Clinton though, he didn’t have a prejudice bone (and the pun is definitely intended) in his body.  He would fraternize (wink, wink) with any women regardless of body type, race or creed.  Jeez, he apparently even slept with Hillary.  I wonder if her pajamas are interchangeable with her pants suits or if she just wears her pajamas over top of the pants suit so she can make a quick getaway in the morning on the nights Bill sleeps in the house.

Being an equal opportunity humor writer I’ll also take this opportunity to jump on Bush (although that strangely sounds like something Clinton, Gore or Edwards would do, I don’t mean it like that.)  Since I was comparing golf and politics before I’ll do it again with him.  He had quite a handicap.  That being that he had killed the majority of his brain cells from drug and alcohol abuse in his youth and, of course, Dick Cheney, who likes to kill or torture everything.  How are you ever going to win a game when you have those two things going against you.  But Obama has to be thankful for Bush or who would he blame for everything.  Actually, if Obama wanted to blame someone and get sympathy (i.e. votes) for it he could plead insanity for all his stupidity due to the fact that he has lived in the same house with his mother-in-law.

Many people blame the Republicans for seeming to have the slogan “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.  But Obama has proven to be very unworthy of his Nobel Peace prize by escalating the war in Afganistan.  But that is just politics as usual.  They just do what is expedient at the moment, which means whatever they think will get them votes.

It may seem like I have taken a trip to the farm and I got locked in the bitter barn rather than taking a stroll down comedy lane but, unfortunately, politics does that to a lot of us.  In fact, it has led many Americans to say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  And then with a smile on their faces and being very cordial they are welcoming everyone to their Tea Party.  Isn’t that nice?

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

More Obama Jokes from Late Night

Here are some more Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering that last few years, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Craig Ferguson and others.

From "The Late Show with David Letterman,"  July 24, 2009:

Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal: it will cost a trillion dollars, but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad.


From "The Late Show with David Letterman,"  June 24, 2009:

President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He's very upset about what's going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he's going to stop smoking Camels.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," April 2, 2009:

So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," March 27, 2009:

President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," March 20, 2009:

People think it's amazing that the President would take time to leave Washington, D.C., and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," March 6, 2009:

President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," March 2, 2009:

The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the First Dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," February 9, 2009:

President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today — Canadian geese.


From Amy Poehler on "Saturday Night Live," December 13, 2008:

Prosecutors said Tuesday that there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?"


From "The Late Show with David Letterman," December 8, 2008:

He's come up with a great initiative to create two and a half million jobs for America ... it's a wonderful plan, the catch is we all have to move to China.


Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report", December 3, 2008:

Tonight: the media reacts to Obama’s cabinet picks. There’s a debate over whether to shower him with praise — or adulation.


From Craig Ferguson on "The Late Late Show", November 18, 2008:

Everyone is waiting to see what Barack Obama has planned. We already know his economic plan. It's designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler.


From "The Late Show with David Letterman", November 18, 2008:

It's an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he's talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!


From "The Late Show with David Letterman", November 18, 2008:

It's an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he's talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Funny Observations Based on the News – 09/28/10

Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing what was happening this week in the news:

A recent study found that childhood obesity is linked to a cold virus.  That is especially true if the cold virus is on doughnuts, cookies and French fries.

Joe Biden made another verbal gaffe when he said he’s second in line to be president, but as vice-president he’s actually first in line.  But, as Joe would say, “It’s not a big f___ing deal.”

There is a rumor that Christine O’Donnell is opposed to meat hammers that chef will often use to soften a roast or something like that.  The thing is she is just opposed to anyone beating their meat.

But then there is another rumor about Christine O’Donnell.  She may be getting a little more aggressive about the masturbation thing.  She is changing her campaign slogan to “Forget about masturbation, just go out and get laid.”

People are calling Christine O’Donnell a witch.  It’s not like she’ll be the first one in Washington.  We’ve had Nancy Pelosi and Hillary for quite a while already.

The economy is getting so bad that Lady Gaga was seen recently wearing a dress made out of a combination of spam and liverwurst.

Mel Gibson is in talks about being a guest on ‘Mad Men”.  Talk about type casting.

According to a new theory related in a book about the Titanic, it hit an iceberg because of a steering error.  So apparently, they had Toyota engineers that helped build the Titanic.

…And finally, this is merely an observation and not really a joke but Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for Democrats.  But is that really going to help the Dems?  Bill has almost become a caricature of himself.  I’ll be expecting him to soon be walking around with girls on each arm like Hugh Hefner.  I guess the real joke in this last paragraph is that if Bill Clinton is campaigning for them, the joke is on the Democrats.

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Monday, September 27, 2010

More Jokes About Obama

Here are some more jokes about Obama from the late night comedians:

From "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," June 7, 2010:

Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo's Central High School graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that would be great.


From "Jimmy Kimmel Live," April 19, 2010:

President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him.


From "The Late Show with David Letterman," April 2, 2010:

President Obama filled out his census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.


From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," March 10, 2010:

Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.


From "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," February 5, 2010:

On the "Today" show this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that.


From "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," December 18, 2009:

On Fox News yesterday, White House senior advisor David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn't given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen [at the U.N. Climate Change Conference]. In one year, we've gone from "Yes we can" to "We haven't totally given up."


From "Jimmy Kimmel Live," December 17, 2009:

It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year's resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.


From "The Jay Leno Show," December 3, 2009:

I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first eleven months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.


From "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien," October 15, 2009:

One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called Barackula. Not so popular: Congressman Barney Frankenstein.


From "The Jay Leno Show," October 14, 2009:

The Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years — as long as it takes!


From "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien," October 12, 2009:

Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So congratulations, Michelle Obama.


From "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," October 12, 2009:

Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.


From "The Jay Leno Show," October 8, 2009:

The big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We've been waiting, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy.


From "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien," September 5, 2009:

Next Tuesday, President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama "Best President Ever."


From "The Late Show with David Letterman," August 26, 2009:

The Obamas are taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. ... And people on Martha's Vineyard are going crazy and they're buying Obama t-shirts, they're buying Obama mugs, they're buying Obama caps. The only thing they're not buying is Obama' s health-care plan.


From "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," August 5, 2009:

I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The president just turned 48 years old — if he was ever really born, that is. ... But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why health care is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of health care coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/24/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:

"As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent." –Jay Leno

"The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden says in fact the stimulus is working, and he also says his hair plugs are working." –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever seen.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell calls it, 'Roots'" –Jay Leno

"There's a clip going around of this Christine O'Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is?" –Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils. It was horrible." –Jay Leno

"This Christine O'Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky." –Jay Leno

"The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have." –Jay Leno

"What they don't tell you, the next recession started in July of last year." –Jay Leno

"The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?" –David Letterman

"Economic experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office." –David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O'Donnell was like, 'If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too." –Jay Leno

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Obama’s Disapproval Rating

I’m waiting for the liberal media to start doing the polls according to how many people disapprove of President Obama just so they can say high numbers when they mention his name.

Obama’s approval rating is getting so low so fast it’s almost like he’s in an airplane and he’s coming in for a landing and he’s about to be at ground level, or zero, right at about election time, which is good news for the country and bad news for the Democrats.  Funny how those two things are inversely proportional.

Most of the incumbent congressmen are in the same boat.  Harry Reid, Obama’s chief suck-up in the Senate, is up for re-election in Nevada, where I happen to live.  His disapproval rating is so strong that the only time you hear Harry Reid and a form of the word approval is in his TV commercials when he says he approves of the messages.  If a miracle does occur and Harry happens to win his election I am going to move out of Nevada.  I was going to be moving anyway but it really sounds macho to say that and be able to carry it out.

It’s a shame that Obama’s not a medical doctor so he would have had to have taken the Hippocratic oath of “First do no harm.”  Although I’m pretty sure he would have altered it to say “First Bush should have done no harm.”

Somehow Obama keeps insisting that the economic situation would be so much worse if it was not for the stimulus program.  That’s like saying…no forget it.  I can’t think of anything that stupid to compare it to.

Okay, I have to give it a shot, here’s an attempt.  Al Gore would have been even more boring to hear about if he hadn’t tried to hit on several massage therapists.  Nope.  That doesn’t work either because there is actually a little bit of truth to that.

I hate to quit so soon.  Here’s another go.  If not for Obama’s speeches about hope and change Larry King would have even been a bigger sleaze bag and not only slept with his wife’s sister but her cousin too.   Oops, I’m told that is likely to have occurred anyway.  So another bad example.

All right, third time’s the charm.  Bill Clinton would have been a much worse husband if not for the fact that Hillary was such a bitch.  Wait a minute!  That is not even close to the analogy that I was going for. (Okay, I confess.  I wasn’t even trying for the analogy there I just wanted to say that Hillary was a bitch.  And while I’m at it let’s throw Nancy Pelosi under that bus as well.)

Obama has had so many bad ideas that by the time his presidency is over (in 2012) it will have proven to be such a clunker it will qualified to be sold under the cash for clunkers program… His presidency is so bad that even Obamacare couldn’t keep it alive…His presidency is so bad that by the time its over the administration will have screwed more people that Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards combined.  Ba-dum-bump.

One thing we do know for sure.  The stimulus program did help create new jobs, even if it is only for the Republicans in the November election.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Some Late Night Jokes About Christine O'Donnell

Here are some jokes from the late night comedians about Christine O'Donnell, the Senate candidate who came out against masturbation:

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"More problems for candidate O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell says that she once had a date on a satanic altar? Well, who hasn't?" –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

"Nation, I've have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she's single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package." –Stephen Colbert

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O'Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset, but she's got some problems. Even though she is a Republican, Karl Rove has accused her of lying. Let me tell you something, when the guy who told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people love this woman. In the last 24 hours she's raised more than $1 million. Which I think is ironic, because she's against masturbation, but she's taking money hand over fist." –Craig Ferguson

"She is against masturbation. Frankly, I don't think it's any of her business what I do in the privacy of that voting booth. This is America, once you close that little curtain, you should be able to pull any lever you want." –Jay Leno

"Her detractors say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American." –Bill Maher

"I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable." –Jay Leno

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Funny Observations from the News – 09/21/10

Here are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation.  This really shocked all the current members of Congress.  They are now hopeful that she doesn’t say something bad about blow jobs and hookers or most of them will no longer have a reason to be in politics at all if that’s the case.

Many of the congressmen were aghast that she brought up the subject at all.  Some of them were wondering if she was including all forms of masturbation like, for example, the kind that Congress is doing to the American public.

Apparently she thought this was a good way to get in touch with the American public and she wanted to make sure they weren’t touching themselves before she got in touch.

The Democrats think to ban masturbation would be a terrible idea.  Why do that when you can tax it.  Just another way to jerk money out of the public’s hands.

Well, I think I’ve pleasured myself enough with these masturbation jokes.  But on a related subject, Tiger Woods has a new book coming out.  I believe it’s called “18 holes per day”.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research the US has officially emerged from the recession in June of 2009.  Unfortunately they forgot to send that memo to the almost 10 % of the country that is unemployed.

Reportedly, the economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research all got their economics diplomas at K-Mart, Wal-Mart and other fine store where they are apparently sold.  And their research was done at the local bar.  This is a good lesson for the kids when they get to college – your calculators will not work properly if you spill alcohol on them when you are playing drinking games.

…And lastly, this is not news but still an interesting observation.  I was in LA area last week and I saw a banner hanging outside someone’s house that said “Trojans”.  I thought that was a weird place to sell condoms. Then I realized they were just fans of USC.  (But then again I bet the USC football program wishes they had been wearing some protection before they got penalized for the Reggie Bush incident a month ago.)

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Monday, September 20, 2010

Woman's Love Poem / Man's Love Poem

This was sent to me by someone and it was too funny to not put on the site:

Women's  Love Poem

Before I lay me down  to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart  and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he  speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully  employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair  and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a  man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my  behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my  very best friend.

Men's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute  nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves  to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a  sh#%.

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Friday, September 17, 2010

Best Jokes of the Week From Late Night - 09/17/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I'm not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I'll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I'll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I'll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's. So listen up, Christine O'Donnell -- and Rosie O'Donnell too while we're at it -- we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"She’s also against masturbation. I'm afraid you lost me now, lady. If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position." –Craig Ferguson

"In the Delaware Republican U.S. Senate primary, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset. Interesting woman, very conservative. She has come out against masturbation. So not only is she against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against you putting your hands in your own pockets as well." –Jay Leno

"Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn't been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes. " –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier." –Jay Leno

"A group called the Center for American Progress is using Justin Bieber in their marketing to help get out the vote in November. And really, what better symbol to get out the vote than someone who is way too young to vote and Canadian." –Jay Leno

"New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"You know things are bad when even criminals can't find work in this country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is going to release a fun, easy-to-read children's book. It's for ages Biden and up." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, 41 of President Obama's staffers now owe the government more than $831,000 in back taxes. When asked if they could just keep avoiding taxes, they said, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!'" –Jay Leno

"There was no Koran burning on Saturday. Apparently that dopey pastor, Terry Jones, decided not to burn the Koran when he realized the only copy he had was on his Kindle." –Jay Leno

"There was a lot of talk about President Obama not wearing his wedding ring during his press conference on Friday. Boy, the guy spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods and look what happens." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Things a Woman Should Never Say to Her Spouse

First and foremost, the thing that no man ever wants to hear his spouse say is the word "little" and reference to his male member in the same sentence.  The reference could be very innocent.  For example, she should never ever say something like, "How is the little King today?" or "How is the little General?" or "How is our little friend?"  This could be said for purposes intended to lead up to sex but it ain't going to happen if you say it like that.  Nothing is going to make a man lose his desire or ability to perform more than calling that thing little.

Actually, ladies, if you've already made that mistake, in the future you can't even say something like, "Would you like to have a little sex now?"  The association would be too strong with the word little, and again, it ain't gonna happen.

In fact, it could lead to pouting, which will then require extra makeup sex.  At least that's how any man worth his salt would play it.  (Hopefully I won't be drummed out of the male union here for revealing trade secrets.)

Also, very high on the list would be, "Is it still in?"  And, naturally, this is not a reference to bread in the oven or really any other subject than sex right now, because frankly, that is the subject that most men care about anyway.  The other one that is equally bad is, "Is it in yet?"  I don't even need to elaborate on that.

Branching out a little, another thing no man wants to hear is, "Let's talk about our relationship?"  I had covered that one in a recent article, plus it needs no further explanation anyway.  Suffice to say it will lead to instant panic, because for one thing, we will actually have to listen now.  We can't pretend to listen like we usually do while actually thinking about sports, a business deal, sex or marveling at the size of the turd we just left in the toilet.

Digressing a bit on sex, men like to make jokes after doing it.  Actually, men will make jokes out of just about anything.  Not to brag, but I have been told I've been funny in bed...Hey, wait  a minute!...I just realized when they were laughing it was not at my jokes!

A woman likes to be complimented after sex and told how much their man love them, blah, blah.  The man, on the other hand, will probably have said that stuff before the sex, in order to obtain the sex, so now he feels no obligation to further elaborate in that area.  Besides, by that time we are normally asleep anyway.

There are things that are said in some relationships that are only specific to their relationships that the man does not want to hear.  For example,  Larry King never wants to hear his wife say, "Did you just bang my sister again?"  Barack Obama would  never want his wife to say, "Are you sure  you weren't born in Kenya?"  Al Gore would not like any of the women he had sex with while married to Tipper to say, "I don't know much about global warming but it's as cold as ice in here."  And last of all, Bill Clinton would never want Hillary to open that old wound by saying, "I still don't understand why that dumb bitch, Monica, never washed the dress."

(Next week we'll talk about things men should never say to their spouse...where the real fun starts.)

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More Tax Jokes for Election Season

Here are some more tax jokes from the late night comedians from the last few years.  Since this is election season it's a good idea to remind the politicians what we think of their taxes:

"The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?" —Jay Leno

"We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated." —Jay Leno

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." —Jay Leno

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." —Jay Leno

"At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." —Conan O'Brien

"If your accountant is Arthur Anderson ... today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th." —David Letterman

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." —David Letterman

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher

"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno

"Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them." --Craig Ferguson

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Funny Observations Based on the News – 09/14/10

Here are a few funny observations that were made this week from reading about and watching the news:

President Obama has vowed to “keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute, to turn this economy around.”  In fact, I felt he had just as strong of a resolve as O.J. did when he said he’d find his ex-wife’s real killer.

…I’d bet if O.J. wasn’t in prison Obama would be out on the golf course with him right now talking about their respective resolves.

The President announced that this fall he will campaign for Democrats in four crucial states.  Republicans have offered to fund his trip to make sure he keeps the promise.

Obama’s appearance will be tied to a major “get out to vote” campaign by Democrats.  The Democrats he will be campaigning for have tried a “get out of our state…please…Sir” campaign directed to Obama but so far it has been unsuccessful.

Obama is coming off his resistance, a little bit at least, on extending the Bush tax cuts for the rich.  He has conceded to only raise taxes of registered Republicans who make more than $250,000.

Enough about Obama (and hopefully we’ll be saying that again in 2012)…A recent study shows that obesity caused by drinking can add to brain damage by drinking itself.  I’m pretty sure, though, this is because fat drunks were found to fall down a lot and hit their heads.

Researchers found that a birth control pill was making some women gain as much as 40 lbs. after taking the pill.  On the plus side though, after gaining the 40 lbs. birth control was not now an issue since they no longer had anyone interested in having sex with them.

Tiger Woods has taken up writing to augment his golfing career.  He wrote a new advertising slogan and presented it to Nike, but they, sadly, did not accept the new slogan which was “Just do me”.

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Monday, September 13, 2010

Tax Jokes for Election Season

Since we are into the election season this is a good time to keep attention on one of the major issues of the coming election, taxes.  So here are some tax jokes from over the last few years from the late night comedians:

"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them." -Craig Ferguson

"The government is really asking a lot of us this month -- first we're supposed to count how many people live in our home -- then we're supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Nobody likes taxes, but they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people." –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno

"Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

"While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." –-David Letterman

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Friday, September 10, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/10/10

Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything." –Jay Leno

"There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It's like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That's right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics." –Craig Ferguson

"So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet." –Craig Ferguson

"The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about." –Jay Leno

"A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally." –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one's invited her to." –Jimmy Fallon

"The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." –David Letterman

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

President Obama at the Movies

There continues to be bad news in the polls for President Obama and congressional Democrats.  In a poll on the president’s handling of the economy 57% of those polled disapproved of the job he was doing.  The remaining 43% didn’t understand the question.

Obama is starting to catch onto his poll numbers going down and he is rethinking the fact that he has been channeling Joseph Stalin as his economic advisor.   Of course, this fact pissed off Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and it actually created a bit of a tiff between the three of them.  Shortly afterward, though, it all got straightened out.  Obama came on stage to do a speech.   Harry and Nancy were in the audience.  Obama started out by saying, “Hello.  Today, I’d like to talk to you about taxing and spending.”  Suddenly Reid and Pelosi rush up on stage and hugged Obama.  They were both crying with relief and were heard saying together, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.”  They both got down on their knees and starting kissing his ass.  But, curiously, neither one of them would kiss his right cheek.  They both insisted on kissing only his left ass cheek.  At least that’s the way I heard the story.

As Obama continued his speech he was getting a little distracted and irritated by the fact that Reid and Pelosi were still slobbering all over his left ass cheek so finally he had to call the Secret Service agent out to extricate them.  As they were being dragged off stage Obama looked at them a little resentfully and said to them, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Anyway, in the above mentioned speech he was quoted as saying, “Let’s reach out for hope.”  I can only think that “reaching out for hope” is a euphemism for “let’s reach for your wallet because I’m about to tax your butt.”

In the president’s defense, though, he really does need to raise taxes.  Otherwise, how could he possibly pay for all the luxurious vacations he’s been taking lately.

A fact that Obama likes to conveniently forget when he blames George Bush for the economy and everything else, including his bowling inability, is that he was a member of the democratically controlled congress that helped to massively screw up the economy in the first place.  A Republican lady in the audience reminded him of that fact to which Obama quickly retorted, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

(Sorry, I seem to have a movie quoting jones going on here.)

And, of course, considering himself the son of God (if not God himself) he wouldn’t really give a damn what anybody else thinks or else he wouldn’t be following through with the policies that most people are not in favor of and are doing more harm than good.  For example, in another poll regarding Obama’s overall job performance 59% did not approve of his overall performance, while 25% were too busy to answer because they were looking for his birth certificate and the remaining were not able to answer because they were illegal aliens, but were definitely going to be voting for him in the next election if he is able to get them amnesty.

Finally, as Obama was wrapping up his speech and extolling the benefits of high taxation, he got the best Italian expression on his face that he could muster and said to the entire audience, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Jokes About Obama and the Democrats

Here are some jokes from the late night comedians over the last year covering Obama and the Democratic party.

''President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.'' --Conan O'Brien

''Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.'' —Bill Maher

''A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?''' —Conan O'Bien

''When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good.'' —Jay Leno

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Google has announced that they're going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It's fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.'' —Craig Ferguson

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Funny Observations Based on the News – 09/07/10

Here are some funny observations that were made after watching the news over the last week.

A fugitive drug lord named,”The Barbie”, was captured in Mexico last week.  This is likely to put a real crimp on sales of the Malibu Marijuana Barbie that Mattel was about to release.

A Cincinnati woman had been arrested for simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic movie while driving.  Thank god the police got to her before she was able to start texting to her friends about it.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession last week.  At first she said it wasn’t her purse with the cocaine.  Later she said she thought the cocaine was gum.  I’ll just bet when she was a young girl her dog used to eat her homework all the time.

Paris will never be mistaken for a bright girl.  To say she was smart would be like saying Congress stood for truth, justice and the American way.

A member of the Obama administration recently tried to take credit for a drop off in illegal immigrants entering the country.  Why would they come here?  Our economy is bad and there is corruption in the government.  That’s what they are trying to get away from.  The only reason they’d come here is because they’d be passing through on their way to Canada.

A plane was forced to land prematurely recently because a woman was scalded by tea.  Come November I believe there will be many Democrats who get scalded by tea as well, or at least by the Tea Party.

Obama has proposed a new jobs program for rebuilding roads, railways and airports.  He’s a little unrealistic though in his hope that it can be finished in time for the November elections.  He was hoping it would make it easier for the incumbents who get voted out to find their way home.

Obama was also heard saying to Joe Biden that a jobs program was needed because they would both be looking for work in a couple years, to which Biden replied, “You got that f___ing right.”

Yesterday was Labor Day but thanks to the stimulus program and many other Obama programs many people were just calling it “another day”.

That 2 year old Indonesian boy who had a 2 pack a day cigarette habit was able to quit by substituting sex every time he had an urge for a cigarette.

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Monday, September 6, 2010

Some Humor for Labor Day

In honor of Labor day here are some signs that were found at businesses where they apparently had a sense of humor:

Business Signs and A Few Chuckles

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Friday, September 3, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 09/03/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  Many are still off this week but we have Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno

"Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect." –Jay Leno

"I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address"

10. "Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation"
9. "Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"
8. "Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"
7. "Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages"
6. "Kneel before General Zod!"
5. "Now I'd like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra"
4. "Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann"
3. "CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room"
2. "Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"
1. "Just like most of America, I'd rather be watching 'Glee'"

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

Discussing Relationships, Blah, Blah

If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Some of the Best Ever Obama Jokes from Late Night

There is a never ending supply of Obama humor because he helps the comedians make it so easy.  Here are some of the best Obama jokes from Late Night.

''President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.'' —Stephen Colbert

''A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim -- 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.'' — David Letterman

''You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.'' —Jay Leno

''Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration.'' —Jay Leno

''Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

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