Thursday, December 31, 2009

Best from the Late Night Comedians - 12/31/09

Here are the best jokes from the past week by the late night comedians.

"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957. –Conan O'Brien

"Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It's like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged." –David Letterman

"Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren't allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno

"The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there's a lesson here: In America it's better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger." –Jay Leno

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blame it on the Testosterone

Through intense scientific research (meaning I saw an article in the newspaper that was located next to the comics) I have discovered information that is likely to make women feel superior to men.  There may be a multitude of reasons for them to feel that way, but this is scientific fact.

It turns out that in the first ten weeks of fetal development all brains are female.  Then, in boys, a huge surge of testosterone hits the brain, killing cells in the communication center and growing them in the sex and aggression center.  This explains why men don’t like to talk about their feelings unless those feelings are penis related and also why we leave the toilet seat up when we go to the bathroom as it allows us to be more aggressive in our return trips as we no longer have to bend over to lift the seat.

Because of the testosterone, the male fetus typically lags three weeks behind the female neurologically at birth.  And according to what I’ve heard many females say the gap widens from there.

On the plus side for us men though, the testosterone poisoning does come in handy later because it helps some coordination neurons develop better which allows us to catch footballs, basketballs, and baseballs more easily.  This is vital to society because if not for those skills there would be no sports on television and then there would be no place for the beer companies to show their commercials.

Testosterone is the thing that makes men and women different.  Women with their greater communication skills like to talk about intimacy, and men, because they have more testosterone, like to be intimate (to be clear here, the male definition of intimacy is having sex.)  Women, when the car breaks down, will say they think they heard the doohickey rattling before it broke.  Men due to their greater testosterone levels, will open the hood of the car and nod knowingly and pretend to fix it before they take the car to a professional to get it fixed.  And lastly, when a woman passes gas it will be a great source of embarrassment, but to a man, again, thanks to testosterone, will turn such an event into uncontrollable laughter and entertainment.

Nature, in its infinite wisdom, develops the female brain very precisely with less variation in how girl’s brains develop, which is why women universally think the dress they are wearing makes their ass look fat.  On the other hand the male brain has many more variables which is why sometimes you get Einstein and sometimes Larry the Cable Guy.

I can almost hear two of these fetal brain cells having a conversation prior to the testosterone attack that turns them male:

First female brain cell:  Let go to lunch and have a nice talk about our feelings.

Second Female brain cell:  That sounds great but I’m not really hungry I just had a testosterone snack.

First cell: Oh, what’s that like?

Second cell:  Well I heard it was good for when you’re feeling bloated, so I thought what harm could it do .

First cell: I heard it make you stupid though.

Second cell:  Really, I never heard….WHOA!  I think it just kicked in, talk about a stimulus act.  I’ll bet Obama didn’t have this kind of stimulus in mind when he came up with economic stimulus.   Bill Clinton and Kennedy were probably thinking this way though.

First cell:  Oh my goodness, what’s happening?

Second cell:  I don’t know, but you suddenly look awful darn hot to me.  How about we skip lunch and go to my place and see what we can cook up there? If you get my meaning.

And there you have it women, we were just like you until the testosterone hit us. So it’s not really our fault at all.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Observations from a Trip to Disneyland

I went to Disneyland with my family.  I forgot how things were done there.   Fantasyland isn’t what I thought it would be, I thought I’d be greeted by some really hot girl…it didn’t happen…not even Annette Funicello.

I had a lot of questions while were there that never got answered.  Mickey and Minnie are supposedly not married, but why do they have the same last name?  Same with Donald and Daisy?

There are 2 dogs in Disneyland, Goofy and Pluto.  Pluto lives the life of a dog and “Goofy” is the one that talks and has a job.

I was watching the parents a lot, why is it okay for parents to pick their children’s nose but not their own?

Of course, in Southern California there is no snow in the wintertime so the kids can’t build snowmen.  Instead, I saw them building a smogman.  Instead of a carrot for the nose they used a broken piece of exhaust pipe and instead of a top hat he wore a gas mask.  And, I heard them singing a song to the tune of Frosty the Snowman but the words were changed a little to, ”Al Gore the smogman, had a very grimy nose, and a lie for a story and that’s his glory…etc., etc.….”, or something like that.

I saw a lot of the little girls at Disneyland still have Barbie dolls.  Barbie is over 50 years old.  I’m waiting for Mattell to tap into a whole new market with an older version of Barbie.  They can make her breasts sag a little, put a cigarette in the side of mouth and sell her to old men who hang out in seedy bars.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Some More Woody Allen Quotes

A while ago I posted some Woody Allen quotes and here are some more:

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/24/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change." –Jay Leno

"Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." –Jay Leno

"Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!" –Jay Leno

"Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we're willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that's great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that's terrific." –Jay Leno

"This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that's when John McCain gets up to pee." –Conan O'Brien

"I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we're sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That's like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it's called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill." –Jay Leno

"Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods' wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she's single she'll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Conan O'Brien

"Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe." –David Letterman

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Gift Wrapping, It’s Not For Everyone

I just finished the annual abuse ritual that I am forced to endure each year around this time.  By that I am referring to wrapping Christmas presents.  I actually dislike wrapping them more than I dislike shopping for them, which is really saying something.

I only shop for and wrap my wife’s gifts. She does all that for the rest of the people we give gifts to, the plight of being a woman, I guess.  But she somehow does this with the same enthusiasm that Tiger Woods has when he discovers a porn star or cocktail waitress that he has not yet “dated”.   I don’t understand it.

This year I had a solution.  I was just going to get one big box and throw all her gifts inside.  That way the torture is over much more quickly.  She got wind of the idea and put the kibosh on it.  I argued it was good for the environment as it saved paper and boxes. She didn’t go for it.  I reasoned that this way would take less room under the tree.  No go.  I suggested how saving time from not wrapping individually would give me more time to reflect on my love for her.  She suggested I reflect, while wrapping, on how much I enjoyed staying married.

I’m pretty sure when those Iraqi suicide bombers are recruited they ask them, “Would you like to wrap presents?  Or, here’s another idea…”  And when they promise them the 70 virgins greeting them in heaven they have to also put a clause in the contract that says, “you don’t have to shop for or wrap gifts for any of them…even the ones you really like a lot.”

I had the idea of buying her a car for Christmas and just sticking a bow on it but this year I couldn’t even afford one of the clunkers that was traded in the “cash for clunkers” deal.  Plus, giving a battered up car as a gift would be like having the wrapping paper all crooked and not very pretty….which is pretty much how the boxes I wrap look anyway, now that I think of it.

I wondered if other men had as much distaste for wrapping gifts as I did.  So, while I was at the mall doing my shopping I thought I’d ask other men what they thought.  I saw a guy sitting on a bench staring out at the crowd.  I said to him,” What do you think of wrapping gifts?”

He kept staring. I repeated the question.  He finally gave an answer which consisted of a loud snore and “zzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” as he fell deeper into sleep.  I took that as a vote for my side.

Next, I decided to go to the gift wrapping department.  I asked a man there why he wasn’t wrapping his own gifts.  He responded with, ”My hands are too big to properly manipulate the paper and tape.”

Being the devil’s advocate, I asked if he was a fisherman.  He very enthusiastically said he was.  So I asked him how he could tie a lure onto the fishing line.  He explained in great detail how that was a different proposition.  To sum it up, though, the reason he could do that is because it was something he enjoyed.

I think it’s safe to say that I am not alone in disliking Christmas gift wrapping.  So let me end by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  (How’s that for a wrap up?  And it’s one I enjoyed!)

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Jokes Inspired by the News

Here are jokes inspired by recent news:

If you think the storms in the northeast are bad it is a lot worse in Florida. The piercing cold coming from Tiger Woods’ house is threatening the entire orange crop this year.

In a recent study it was discovered that BPA ( a chemical found in plastics) may cause sexual problems for men.  In a related study of several men including Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and others they found philandering can also cause sex problems for men with their wives.  To which Bill Clinton replied, “Mission accomplished.”

Further research in the BPA study also found that women barking orders of how to do it during sex also caused sexual problems in men.

Another study found that Buetooth usage can cause infertility in men.  But this was only for the men who thought it was a funny joke to wear the Bluetooth on their penis.

It being Christmas week I have a few  Christmas gift suggestions for some people:

Tiger Woods to get a vasectomy,

Harry Reid an array of retirement brochures to use after the next election,

Al  Gore… actually, after having invented the Internet and being the spokesman for an invented cause, I think he should get a free patent for whatever he’s going to invent next.

And last of all, a new Cap and trade bill for President Obama, except this one puts a cap on the “hope and change” that he’s already given us and trades in it on something that we really need and want.

And most of all I wish for everyone to have a merry Christmas and a great holiday season!

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Congress Version of Night Before Christmas

This is something I found on the Internet.  I don't know the author but it is very funny (and unfortunately has a lot of truth.)

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

 

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 12/18/09

Here are some of the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that's what happened." –David Letterman

"And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there." –Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are 'sexy.' He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what's it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn't it?" –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fatness: It’s Not Our Fault

I just saw a headline that said Nevada is the fattest western state in the United States.  That doesn’t mean, for example, that the streets are wider in Nevada, it means that the asses of the people walking down those streets are wider than the asses of the people in other western states.

Being a resident of the fattest state I guess I should be honored since we are number one at something.   But I just haven’t felt the impact.  It just means it is a lot easier to find a McDonalds here than it is to find a store that sells skinny pants.

It kind of gives new meaning to the Las Vegas catch phrase of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”  Instead of the sexy connotation it tries to imply, it’s more like, “Naw, I don’t want to go anywhere.  Let’s just sit here and eat some chips and watch TV.”

Nevada has a 31% obesity rate.  Maybe Las Vegas can come up a new marketing slogan like “Hey, fat ass, come to Vegas and make yourself feel thin.”  I did notice a casino marketing to locals had the slogan, “Lose some weight, your pockets will definitely feel lighter when you leave here.”  Just kidding, we are the fattest, not stupidest.

The Las Vegas Marathon was held recently.  There was a shorter version of the race for the more obese citizens where they “power waddled” to the nearest Dunkin Donuts store.

That same newspaper article said that at the current rate that Americans are becoming obese by the year 2018 nearly 50% of the country will be obese.  So, apparently, if Obama was really serious about health care he should be planning to turn the hospitals into diet centers.  When we go to war in the future we’ll just have our military sit on the enemies military and that will be that.

I guess I have a greater understanding now why when they are marketing the “Gentlemen’s clubs” in Las Vegas they almost always have more than one girl on the pictures.  Considering how fat the Las Vegas men are the marketers are thinking with the concept, “I bet you can’t eat just one.”

Let’s not just blame ourselves for being overweight.  Let’s take a look at this whole thing from the viewpoint of fat cells themselves, since they are the real culprits in this scenario:

Fat cell #1 (a male fat cell) – Hey sweetcakes, you are looking nice and plump these days, not like some of those skinny fat cell that I’ve seen lately.

Fat cell #2 (a female fat cell) – (blushing) Thanks, I do try to keep my figure expanding.

Fat cell #1 – Why don’t we hunker down together with a fine meal of hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose corn syrup.

Fat cell #2 – Wow! You do know how to get a girl’s attention.

So you see, it is not our fault as Americans that we are getting fatter by the day.  It is the fault of the pesky fat cells that are making us that way.  Besides that, if we weren’t getting fatter there would be no need for quality television shows like The Biggest Loser.  It could also affect us emotionally if too many of us got thin because right now we as Americans are confident in the fact that we are “too big to fail”.

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Some Funny Quotes by Comedians

Here are some funny quotes, many of them by iconic comedians:

• There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I figure that's why my boyfriend moved. ~ Christy Murphy

• Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. ~ Cher

• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~Woody Allen

• Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. ~H. L. Mencken

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler

• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. ~ Lily Tomlin

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It Could Be Worse – Issue V

Every now and then it’s a good idea to cheer yourself up by thinking how things could actually be a lot worse than they really are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you could be in a charisma contest with Al Gore and you lose.

It could be worse, you could have such bad taste in women that you get a pin-up calendar made with pictures of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Harry Reid.

It could be worse, you could be more unpopular at a GOP convention than the Obama supporters who crashed it.

It could be worse, you could be looking for a hunting buddy and the only one you could find was Dick Cheney.

It could be worse, you could be a wealthy person about to die and you heirs want to save money on your funeral by buying your coffin at WalMart.

It could be worse, you could be an unmarried female trying to save yourself for your wedding night and you get set up on a blind date with Tiger Woods.

It could be worse, you could be married to the hillbilly in the movie, Deliverance, who made Burt Reynolds’ friend squeal like a pig.

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Monday, December 14, 2009

Some Rita Rudner Quotes

Here are some very funny one-liners from Rita Rudner:

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

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Friday, December 11, 2009

Best of the Late Night Jokes - 12/11/09

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a '6-year-old with a crayon could' come up with those same poll results. You know, I'll bet it's the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with." –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Surprise! Men and Women are Different

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk?  The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that.

Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different!  I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own.  Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior.  (Note to all men: that’s not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work.  For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he’s still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly.  Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they’ll get a look of horror similar to the look you’d get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men’s defense though, the shopping thing is genetic.  That’s why at conception female chromosomes are designated as “X” and men as “Y”.  It’s a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the “Y” because when they see them doing that they ask, “why are they doing that?”

Men do seem to be much simpler than women.  When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends.  A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause.  If a woman tries on jeans she hasn’t worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she’s getting fat.  If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I’m getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren’t big sports fans.  Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by “intending “their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV).  This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues.  It’s hard to say which one is more screwed up.  But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I’ll make it into a game….Here we go…paper, rock scissors….YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

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Surprise! Men and Women are Different

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk?  The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that.

Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different!  I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own.  Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior.  (Note to all men: that’s not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work.  For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he’s still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly.  Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they’ll get a look of horror similar to the look you’d get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men’s defense though, the shopping thing is genetic.  That’s why at conception female chromosomes are designated as “X” and men as “Y”.  It’s a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the “Y” because when they see them doing that they ask, “why are they doing that?”

Men do seem to be much simpler than women.  When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends.  A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause.  If a woman tries on jeans she hasn’t worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she’s getting fat.  If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I’m getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren’t big sports fans.  Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by “intending “their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV).  This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues.  It’s hard to say which one is more screwed up.  But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I’ll make it into a game….Here we go…paper, rock scissors….YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Some More Funny Christmas Quotes

'Tis the season to be jolly, so here are some more funny Christmas quotes.

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space."
Dave Barry

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
Dave Barry

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyllis Diller

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Joan Rivers.

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
Dick Gregory

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
Arlo Guthrie

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... "
Berke Breathed "

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Some "History" Based Jokes

Being a bit of a history buff caused me to come up with these “historically based” jokes:

History has influenced television quite a bit, even from the beginnings of TV.  Back in the 50’s Ozzie and Harriet, in honor of former President Truman, nearly named their show “Give ‘em Hell Harriet.”

In the future it is likely that Obama and Ben Bernake will have their pictures on the new dollar, which will be called “nuclear money”.  Historians will look back and see that their actions caused the future money to have a half-life of the old money.

George Washington was such a great leader that there are actually 2 holidays in his honor.  The first is, of course, President’s day and the other one, many people don’t realize was also in his honor, is Labor Day.  That’s because he gave birth to a nation (and  rumor has it he helped create a lot of the births back then too.)

People also learn from history.  The male members of the Kennedy family pattered their lives after the some formal sexual dynamos who were also from Massachusetts – the “Minute Men”.

Dick Cheney is already a big part of history and Hollywood is thinking of making a movie about his life.  But being Hollywood they tend to change things.  It will be a cartoon movie and he’ll play the part of the Roadrunner and this time the coyote gets him.  I think it’ll be a big hit.

In the future, after Bill Clinton passes on, there will probably be a tell-all book about his sexual conquests and it is very likely that the Obama administration premise of “too big to fail”, especially for many of these artificially created entities, will again prove to be a falsehood.

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Funny Woody Allen Quotes

Here are some funny jokes by Woody Allen:

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/04/09

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about President Obama's speech last night. He's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize." –Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it's not all bad." –Craig Ferguson

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." –Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." –Jay Leno

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." –Conan O'Brien

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

I Swear, This Could Work

I just read an article about how some psychologist said you can relieve pain or upset by swearing.  My first thought was “What an a_ _hole!”  Then I realized, what do you know, he was right, I do feel better!

It made me wonder, can we just skip the whole Obamacare thing and just swear our way to good health?  It would save a lot of money if that would work.  But then, of course, those stupid, rotten *^%$^$#&##$%& %@!$^&  congressmen (whew! Excuse me for that, but it did feel good.) would try to tax swearing.  Naturally, just as Congress is trying to make themselves exempt from the healthcare that the rest of the nation would have, they would also be exempt from the tax on swearing.  (Which  makes me wish that swearing in congress was a legit thing, if only momentarily, like if, Joe Wilson, the “you lie guy” could have said what he was really thinking when he yelled that infamous, yet totally true, statement at Obama on the floor of congress.  Okay, okay, I know I’m getting off the track here, but it was a fun thought.) Anyway, the whole swearing tax probably wouldn’t work, it would just create a lot of black market swearing and groups going underground to swear.

Swearing could be the reason that professional athletes don’t have more injuries than they do.  If you can at all read lips when you watch them on TV you know they aren’t spewing out nursery rhymes, or if they were they would go like this:

Jack and Jill went up the f$%^#!$  hill,

To fetch a pail of go#%^$&@#$*!;! water.

“Hey, my knee does feel better.”

But then again this swearing to heal could have a totally undesirable effect too.  What if the uncle you always hated was laying in a coma waiting to die and in a weak moment you decided to vent at him.  The intention of the cussing directed at him could have the undesired effect of bringing him back to life.  He’d wake up and smile at you and you’d have to go into the other room and cuss up a storm at yourself to make you feel better.

Or, what if one day you went into an uncontrollable cussing rage with your boss who you had secretly wanted a whole array of bad, evil things to happen to and he suddenly became the healthiest person on earth.  And that could only make you want to swear more, making him even healthier.

Here’s another unworkable idea, what if your child was sick and with totally good intentions you started swearing at the little b_ _ _ _ _ _ to make him well.  Even if he got well he would resent you for the rest of his life.

After careful examination of this idea this psychologist has of relieving pain and upset by swearing, I think it’s safe to say that he has his head way up his a_ _! (Again, that felt good.)  What’s next?  Are the shrinks going to start prescribing drugs for depression, instead of just eating right and being busy and productive… Wait a minute!!  OH S_ _ T!

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Funny Christmas Quotes

December is all about the holidays so here are some funny Christmas quotes:

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  - Phyllis Diller

***

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Jay Leno

***

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. - Unknown

***

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. - Unknown

***

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

***

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields

***

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

***

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. - Johnny Carson

***

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. - Kin Hubbard

***

 

discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some Airline Humor

The recent gaffes by airlines pilots inspired me with some airline jokes:

The airlines seem so stingy about even handing out peanuts these days but I realized it is because most of the peanuts end up in the cockpit with the pilots so they have something to eat with their beer while they are watching porn on their computers.

I saw some ex-pilots in the airport with their “will fly for booze” signs.

The last time I was on a flight I got really worried when the navigator came out of the cockpit and asked the flight attendant ,“Which way to the restroom.”

That flight was miserable.  The first time it went well for me was when I was in the restroom and we hit an air pocket….cured my constipation on the spot.

Whenever you’re traveling with a tour group it is easy to pick out the gay guys.  They are always the first ones ready to go in the morning because they already had their s_ _t packed the night before.

Obama had to go through the metal detector at the airport the other day and he set it off.  He didn’t have a gun or anything but it proved what most people have suspected, to say and do some of the stuff he’ done he’s got to have brass balls.

I heard they are going to bring back full meals on some airlines but it will be McDonald’s food to keep it inexpensive.  Plus, it will also be convenient since the barf bags are already there.

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Monday, November 30, 2009

Funny Quotes from Steve Martin

Here are some very funny quotes from Steve Martin.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

[Introducing the best adapted screenplay]
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
-- (at the 2003 Oscars®)

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats...or skinny.
-- (at the 2003 Oscars®)

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

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Friday, November 27, 2009

Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 11/27/09

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

"President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner." –Jay Leno

"The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one." –Jay Leno

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting." –Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he'll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years." –David Letterman

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she's in the mood" –Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving is Upon Us Again

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fun Holiday Decorating Ideas

With the holiday season upon us I thought I‘d come up with some alternative decorating ideas for some famous people (who are not necessarily known for their humorous side) that they may never have thought of before:

Bernie Madoff could forego the traditional floral centerpiece on the table in his cell, but instead substitute a cigarette pack centerpiece to conveniently give cigarettes to all the prisoners that come to visit him to discourage them from doing to him as he did to all his investors.

For Barack and Michelle Obama, instead of rushing out to buy new china, glasses and silverware for their holiday get-togethers they may want to consider renting them because it’s not that likely they will be in the White House after the next election.

To Joe Biden, flickering candle light in the window can really bring out the holiday spirit, but to remind the president that you still exist, you may want to make a bonfire.

A simple way to give your holiday decorations a professionally decorated look is to stick with just two or three colors.  So, for Ben Bernake you may want to narrow down the background colors that you print on the money that you are dropping out of the helicopters.

For Hilary Clinton you can substitute a gingerbread voodoo doll of Bill for the non-seasonal voodoo doll you have been using to poke into his sexual parts.

For CEOs of major corporations who received undeserved bonuses, you can hang red garland over the chandeliers to go along with the strands of green dollars you already have hanging there.

To Balloon Boy’s parents, if they happen to send up a holiday balloon with “their son inside” they may want to decorate it with green garland to fully enhance the holiday spirit of the police when they come to arrest you.

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

With Thanksgiving almost here, some humorous Thanksgiving quotes are in order:

George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with 'gourmet' status.

Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Anonymous
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Best of the Week's Late Night Jokes - 11/20/09

Here are the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!" –Jay Leno

"And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare." –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, 'Uh, way ahead of you, dude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades." –David Letterman

"Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he's known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it's like the Abbott and Costello routine. 'Sir, Hu's here.' 'Who's here to see me?' 'That's what I'm telling you. Hu.' 'What are you talking about?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, 'Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don't want to hear.' Then he went back to trashing Fox News." –Jay Leno

"And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama 'make yourself at home,' so he took over Toyota. He's running it now." –Jay Leno

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Scientific Studies…Not So Much

If, as many women like to say, a man’s brain is in his penis, then getting circumcised as an adult would be like having a lobotomy.  And any man who consents to get getting circumcised in the first place is a little short on gray matter to begin with.

Yet, that is exactly what some men did to be part of a study where it was concluded that the men who were recently circumcised contracted less STD’s than the uncircumcised men over a two year period, supposedly due to less foreskin.  Foreskin, schmoreskin, the “scientists” conducting the study should have also concluded that the men who agreed to be circumcised were too sore for sex and too idiotic to attract a woman in the first place.

You got to love these “scientific” studies that you read about in the newspapers (no wonder newspapers are going out of business).  Another of these so-called studies concluded that men who played video games were fatter than men who didn’t play them.  Well DUH!  They have the most well conditioned thumbs but the rest of their bodies are seriously neglected.

Let’s just imagine how a video gamer would have survived in the 19th century:

Farmer: It’s time to plow the field.

Video dude: Well, I never heard of that game, but I’m up for some virtual farming.

Farmer: (Incredulous, he looks around to see if he’s on Candid Camera) No, you grab the plow and hook it up to the mule.

Video dude: (wrinkles his forehead) Oh yeah, well, um, my thumbs are a little sore and the doctor told me I might be developing carpal tunnel syndrome.  So, I’m going to have to beg off on the plowing deal.

Farmer:  (Thinks to himself, that’s okay this guy doesn’t need to eat, he can live off of his fat for months) Maybe I’ll send you off to fight in the Civil War with my sons.

Video dude:  Now you’re talking , dude, I’m totally awesome at “World of Warcraft”.  My thumbs are feeling better already. Where’s the game room?

Farmer: (Shakes his head and thinks to himself, maybe I could have him feed the pigs and if I’m lucky he’ll get swine flu.  Then I can ship his fat ass back to the 21st century and maybe he can get some of the free “pull the plug” healthcare that will probably be popular then.)

The last of the “silly science studies”, that somebody apparently got paid to do, concluded that men were more likely than women to suffer noise-induced hearing loss.  I’m sorry, the jokes just write themselves on this one, but I’m going to go with the really obvious one and say, again, DUH.  Of course they do from listening to their wives so much over the years (ba-dum-pum.)

Let’s face it, there is a lot of science that is very worthy (man going to the moon) and some that is very unworthy (socialized healthcare where all the sick people get to suffer equally) and some that is just a great source of humor (Al Gore inventing the Internet.)

But the real source of silly science is the government agencies that fund them.  So, to those people who approve them I say they should be part of the studies and be “rewarded” with a free lobotomy (the kind you see in paragraph #1.)

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Some Thanksgiving Humor

Here are some really funny Thanksgiving jokes that were sent to me by some readers:

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"

***

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pets are Good Medicine and More

Here are some fast humorous thoughts inspired by my dog.

Pets are often thought of as good medicine for sick people.  The Vietnamese take it one step further.  Pets are not only good medicine, but also good for lunch. (Note to self – never go to Vietnam and order a hot dog.)

People talk about a “dog’s life” like it’s a bad thing. Let’s see, they get to lay around and sleep all day, they get their food served to them, and they can lick themselves whenever they want.

Pets are useful in so many ways, like how Lassie would save Timmy every time that idiot kid fell down the well by getting his parents.   Now if Lassie could just learn to go down the well herself and pull the kid out without bothering the parent, so they could finish their martinis, then you really have something.

Dogs are much more loyal than cats.  Dogs will stick with their owners no matter what, whereas cats are more the like the Bill Clinton of pets, they wander around and you never know where they’ve just been.

Once my dog got house trained he would always relieve himself at the same place.  I swear he is the one who wrote the famous poem that starts out “I think that I shall never see a toilet lovely as a tree.”

I haven’t had much luck training my dog.  We were out for a walk and I said to him, “Heel. “  He looked at me kind of offended and said, “Asshole!”

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Funny Quotes From Joan Rivers

Here are some funny one line jokes from Joan Rivers:

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”

“It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon”

“A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”

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Friday, November 13, 2009

Best of the Late Night Jokes - 11/13/09

Here are some of the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?" –Jay Leno

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Obama Claus to the Rescue

As I was walking through Wal-Mart the other day I couldn’t help but notice that the holiday season is upon us.  Unfortunately, for many people this year Christmas will not be the same.  And by that I mean that since Obama was elected President, to the poor, the crooks, criminals, people in Congress, (but I repeat myself) the needy, illegal aliens, CEO’s of large corporations, and every other sort of victimy type person, every day is now Christmas.  If you are looking for a handout then Obama is a more welcome site that any fat guy dressed in a red outfit at Christmas time could ever be.

It is a much sadder story for some children though.  Obama Claus will only be visiting the houses of children who have a household income of less than $250,000.  The only thing those evil rich kids will get is a letter from Obama’s Christmas Czar telling them they have to share all of their gifts with all the less fortunate children.

Obama gives people more hope for free money and stuff than the Nigerian businessman who just wrote you an e-mail telling you he wants to give you 20% of his fortune just for helping you get his money into the country and “it’s all very legal” just give your bank account information so he can deposit the money (wink, wink.)  Somehow I ‘m feeling more trusting of the Nigerian businessman and more hopeful that he’ll be able to deliver on his promise.

I can just imagine Obama Claus sitting in his chair at the mall at Christmas time with the line of children waiting to see him.  A young CEO is first in line.  He walks up to Obama Claus and sits on his lap:

Obama Claus: What would you like for Christmas little boy?

Young CEO: All I want for Christmas is for my company to flourish despite my mismanagement and greed.

Obama Claus: Ho, ho, ho, what a noble little boy you are.  (He points to his elves, played by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) Give this wonderful lad a check for a billion dollars, but only if he promises a big donation to my re-election campaign.  (The two elves drool and fall over each other as they rush to comply with Obama Claus’s every wish.)

Next in line is a young Hillary Clinton, who rushes up to sit on his lap:

Obama Claus: Hey, little girl you’re going to have to move a little bit, your pants suit got caught on my belt buckle. (She moves to make him happy, at least for the time being, until she gets what she really wants.)  So, anyway, what do you want for Christmas?

Young Hillary: Oh, I just want to be President.

Obama Claus: (looking to his elves) Give this kid the same thing we’ll be giving the people from FOX News. (He pushes her off his lap.)

Next is a young conservative Republican.  Hopefully, he rushes up to Obama Claus, who holds up his hand, motioning for him to stop.

Obama Claus: (Coldly to his elves) This kid gets the “pull the plug” type healthcare for Christmas. Next!

A young Joe Biden runs up to Obama Claus to sit in his lap.

Obama Claus: (To his elves) Do I know this kid from somewhere?  He looks familiar.  (They shrug their shoulders.)  (To the kid) Anyway, what do you want?

Young Joe: I just want you to acknowledge that I exist.

Obama Claus:  I gotta go now. (He ignores the kid and stands up dumping young Joe to the ground.) (He waves to all the other kids in line waiting for their promise of “hope and change”) Sorry, I don’t have time for you guys I have to get back to the White House so I can write my acceptance speech for my next Nobel Peace Prize, while also planning the next phase of the war in Afghanistan.

For my taste, I’ll continue believing in the real Santa Claus.

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It Could be Worse – Issue IV

It’s time for another episode of “It could be Worse” where you look at something you don’t like in your current life scene and make it better by comparing how it could be worse.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be a freshly made doughnut at Dunkin Donuts and a group of people come in who were about to audition for “The Biggest Loser” show.

(This week in the news there was actually a guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse, which he said he “did by accident”)

It could be worse, you could be that horse and have your feelings hurt when the guy who had sex with you said he did it by accident.

It could be worse, you could be the guy who was arrested for having sex with a horse… (I could stop there but I’ll continue) and when you are in the prison shower the other prisoners want you to oink like a pig and you wanted to neigh like a horse.

It could be worse, you could be Ronald McDonald and catch your wife having a burger with Jack, from Jack-in-the-Box.

It could be worse, you could die and after  your wife has you cremated you come back to visit her as a ghost you find out she has more than “one urn on the fireplace”.

It could be worse, you could be the size of the average fat -assed American citizen and you lose your job.  When you go out on the street with your ”will work for food” sign nobody hires you because they are afraid they couldn’t afford you.

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Obama Jokes From One Year Ago

Here are some late night jokes about Obama from before, during, and just after the election of just one year ago. Late night jokes are a great source of news and a lot more of a fun way to hear it:

"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

"And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman

"The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn't that unbelievable?" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money." --Jay Leno

"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." –Conan O'Brien

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