Funny Observations from Current Events - 05/15/12

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The Chicago History Museum is now displaying Hugh Hefner’s “little black book.”  In the early part of the book there are only addresses and no phone numbers because it was before phones were invented.

Vidal Sassoon died last week at 84 years of age.  His hair will live on indefinitely.

President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage last week.  Joe Biden had done the same thing just a few days prior.  The rumor is they will be married shortly after the election in November.

The big winners after Obama endorsed gay marriage – Bert and Ernie!

The Republicans won’t agree to endorse gay marriage but they have offered a compromise.  They are willing to concede that Glee is sometimes a pretty darn good TV show.

The CIA unveiled a plan Al-Qaida had regarding a sophisticated underwear bomb.  The plan was discovered when one of the suicide terrorists bragged to a female TSA agent that, “she would get a bang out of what’s in his underwear.”

A new study says that by 2030 42% of Americans will be obese.  So, apparently, America will be getting thinner over the next 18 years.

Sylvester Stallone announced plans to shoot another Rambo movie.  Its title is “I’ll Keep Making Rambo Movies as Long as You’ll Pay to See Them.”

Obama had a $40,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Hollywood.  Nothing says “the common man’s president” like a $40,000 a plate dinner.

Obama’s new campaign slogan is “It’s not the economy, stupid!  It’s who killed bin Laden.”

For Mother’s Day, Hooters gave free chicken wings to mothers.  But mostly sons took their mothers to Hooters because they were interested in the water wings on the waitresses.

A pair of underpants that once belonged to Queen Victoria are up for auction on eBay.  They became available when the Queen switched to thongs.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/11/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn't have to apologize for. –Jay Leno

The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay. –Jay Leno

You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse. –Jay Leno

My position is simple. I support any wedding I don't have to go to. –Jay Leno

"The Avengers" continues to break box-office records. The Pentagon refused to provide military hardware because they found the movie too unrealistic. They said they can't lend any tanks until they explain why the Hulk's pants don't fall off. –Conan O’Brien

According to the health department, New York City strip-club kitchens have the fewest health-code violations of all restaurants in the city. The same cannot be said for the girls, but the kitchen has the fewest health-code violations. –David Letterman

Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants. –David Letterman

Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what? –David Letterman

Set your exploding underpants on low and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels. –David Letterman

Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn't all positive though. He also said the show "Glee" has jumped the shark. –Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people. . –Craig Ferguson

Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco. . –Craig Ferguson

Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married. . –Craig Ferguson

President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, "Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?" -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, “I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.” -Jimmy Fallon

Nestle is releasing new Crunch bars in Girl Scout cookie flavors like Thin Mint and Peanut Butter. And to make it even more authentic, Nestle’s CEO is having his parents pressure their coworkers into buying them. -Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents. –Jay Leno

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. –Jay Leno

New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican. –Conan O’Brien

I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray. –David Letterman

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school. –Craig Ferguson

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. –Craig Ferguson

Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a "Jersey Shore" special. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum woke up this morning and said, "I endorsed who?" –Jimmy Kimmel

In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers. –Jimmy Kimmel

In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. -Jimmy Fallon

Most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. We have a name for those 10 minutes — “job interviews.” -Jimmy Fallon

France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered. –Jay Leno

President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with? –Jay Leno

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark's airport she bought a ticket from New York to L.A. for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of luggage. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom "Will & Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address." –Conan O’Brien

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss. –Craig Ferguson

I wish our election was more like the election in France. By that, I mean I wish it was over. –Craig Ferguson

"The Avengers" made an unbelievable amount of money this weekend — $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I've always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds. –Jimmy Kimmel

Producers are hard at work on the sequel, which is tentatively titled "The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid! –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be "inconceivable" for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, "Yep.” -Jimmy Fallon

After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, "Uh-oh.” -Jimmy Fallon

In an interview this weekend, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek hinted that he might retire in two years. Or as he put it, "Born in 1940, this game show host wants to sit around in his bathrobe eating ice cream.” -Jimmy Fallon

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Funny Political Quotes

Here are some very funny political quotes from a variety of sources ranging from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain:

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." —Mark Twain

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." —President Abraham Lincoln

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.''

—President John Kennedy

''Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.''

—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

''You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy.''

—Bill Clinton, looking at 'Juanita,' a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum (When asked about the remark, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry privately quipped to reporters, ''Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he's been f**king.'')

''What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?''

—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.''

—Mark Twain

''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.''

—Groucho Marx

''He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.''

—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

''Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.''

—Ronald Reagan

''If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head.''

—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

''Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.''

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

''If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?''

—Abraham Lincoln

''There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil.''

—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

''Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.''

—Ronald Reagan

'I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.''

—Bill Clinton, on the White House

''The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it.''

—P.J. O'Rourke, 'Parliament of Whores'

''I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting.''

—Ronald Reagan

''As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?''

—Dave Barry

''Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.''

—Bill Clinton

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ''Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.''

Churchill: ''Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.''

''I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.''

—Ronald Reagan

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How Classic Movie Quotes Were Originally Different

I am a movie buff.  I like to watch movies very much.  It’s a little known fact how many of the most famous movie quotes actually were originally written very differently and had they not been re-written they would not have had nearly the same impact.

I did a lot of research on this and the research I do for this web site is well documented. In fact, there is a document on my desk right now that says I actually do research, despite what anybody else says.

Here are some examples of how some famous quotes were changed, and it’s lucky they were:

One of the most famous movie quotes of all time by Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” was originally quite different.  The first version went like this, “Gee, Scarlett, (Gables’ eyes start to tear up) maybe we can sit down and discuss this and come to a compromise that will work equally well for both of us…No? Okay, I guess I’ll be leaving then, but remember the door will always be open for reconciliation.”

I think we can all agree that the flavor of the movie would have been changed if they gone with the original version.

Here’s another example of how re-writing can make a huge difference.  In the Godfather, Marlon Brando said, “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”  The original version was like this, “I’m hoping and praying I can come up with something that will work for all of us.”  That may have weakened the movie a bit.

Then there was the famous quote from Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz, “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  This one was vastly different with the original one being, “Toto, where the f*** are we now?  Oh, what the hell am I asking a damn dog for?  That damn wicked witch must have put a f***ing spell on me.”  If they had stuck with that line it would have hurt the Dorothy character’s likability.

Another classic movie quote was from Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  The line was originally going to be, “I love the smell of flowers in the morning.”  That didn’t work.  So they decided it needed more of an edge and they made it, “I love the smell of coffee in the morning.” Still no good.  Finally they settled on, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” and the rest is history.

I know what you are thinking now.  You are thinking I’m making this all up and you are probably saying to me now, “I WANT THE TRUTH.”  And my answer to that is, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.”  So that’s all I have to say about that, at least until next time when I might just do more of these because I’m having fun..and that’s the truth.

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Funny Observation from Current Events – 05/01/12

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress is still very upset about the whole Secret Service/prostitution scandal.  They are launching an investigation to find out why they weren’t allowed in on it.

According to his book, Dreams from my Father, President Obama said that when he was a young boy he ate dog meat.  Now, apparently, he is saying his dog is getting back at him by eating the true figures on unemployment and that’s why he’s making up his own numbers.

The TSA frisked a 4 year old in an airport.  So, now if you work for the TSA it’s not just legal to be a general pervert but you can be a pedophile as well.

According to a recent study only one out of ten women considers herself attractive.  The irony is that if a man can get a woman naked he doesn’t really care what she looks like.  Additionally, many men during sex are thinking of other women anyway.

Last weekend was the NFL player draft.  Some of the players that got drafted were so excited they partied like government employees at taxpayers expense.

It’s a law now in California that police must screen adult films to make sure condoms are being used.  As a result, there has been an influx of TSA agents applying to the LAPD.

Mel Gibson admitted on the Tonight Show that he does have “a bit of a temper.”  That’s like Al Gore admitting that he can be a little boring.

The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Post Office to stop Saturday deliveries in order to stop the flow of red ink from the agency.  So the government is sticking to its philosophy of making a crappy service even crappier in order to make it better.

Vice President, Joe Biden, was promoting Obama’s foreign policy and to prove how good the administration is at foreign policy Biden said he was going to eat in an Italian restaurant that night.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/27/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:

After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. "Well, I guess you're stuck with me." –Jay Leno

Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country. –Jay Leno

Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon's most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse. –Jay Leno

Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama." –Conan O’Brien

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches." –Conan O’Brien

It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used — which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To protect and perv." –Conan O’Brien

I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You'll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, "He cheated on me with his administrative professional." -Jimmy Kimmel

We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods. -Jimmy Kimmel

The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed. They went shopping. -Jimmy Kimmel

The deal will pay the Kardashian family — get this — $40 million. It's the biggest contract in the history of reality television. It's harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape. -Jimmy Kimmel

You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, "Metta Real Housewife.” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the Real Housewives, tonight on the show we have Caroline Manzo from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Because I mean, how else can you top having President Obama? –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did "Slow Jam the News," he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, "Dude, don't you have a country to run?” –Jimmy Fallon

It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA. –Jay Leno

Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts. –Jay Leno

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. –Jay Leno

Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. –Jay Leno

For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food. –Conan O’Brien

Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts. –Conan O’Brien

Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink? –Jimmy Kimmel

Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap. –Jimmy Kimmel

The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did? –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.  –Jimmy Fallon

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac hologram. –Jimmy Fallon

Even though the president just got here today, I've been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I've been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said he's not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from "Yes, we can" to "Duke sucks." –Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one. –Jay Leno

Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that's his name now — was ejected from yesterday's game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma's James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints. –Jay Leno

But we live in a society that rewards bad behavior. Metta World Peace just picked up an endorsement for elbow macaroni. –Jay Leno

A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, "free pizza in my room." –Conan O’Brien

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.  –Conan O’Brien

One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars. –David Letterman

These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers. –David Letterman

Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. Her publicist says it's for real. In fact they're already planning the sham wedding. –David Letterman

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/20/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women. –Conan O’Brien

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents' defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar. –Conan O’Brien

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats. –Conan O’Brien

The Megamillions story is getting interested. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours, and by giggle they mean nervously plotted to murder each other. –Conan O’Brien

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. –Craig Ferguson

Apparently only "employees" are allowed to wear those tiny orange shorts. –Craig Ferguson

Justin didn't design the furniture, nor did he build it. Other than that, it's all his. He's seen it. Maybe. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah's Ark. -Jimmy Kimmel

But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. . -Jimmy Kimmel

This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it. . -Jimmy Kimmel

The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don't worry. The IRS never checks. . -Jimmy Kimmel

During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid. –Conan O’Brien

There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan. –Conan O’Brien

In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk. –Conan O’Brien

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke. –Craig Ferguson

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service. –Craig Ferguson

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president. –Craig Ferguson

In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander. -Jimmy Kimmel

I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that? -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. -Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those. -Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody stole five vintage guitars from Tom Petty right before his concert tour. If the criminals are caught, they ought to be charged with a misdemeanor because it’s a “petty” theft. –Craig Ferguson

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name, Madonna. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations are in order for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who just got engaged. You know what, I knew there was something going on between those two. -Jimmy Kimmel

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you. - Jimmy Kimmel

This is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than that North Korean rocket. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it. –Jay Leno

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. –Jay Leno

In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit. –Jay Leno

It's a great day for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They're officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids. –Craig Ferguson

Today in Australia they kicked off the World Atheist Convention. Atheists from around the world get together to congratulate themselves for figuring it all out. –Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for North Korea. Yesterday, they launched a top-secret new missile. It blasted off and flew about 90 seconds and then blew up. It fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

That's what the North Koreans get for launching it on Friday the 13th. Why couldn't they have just waited until Saturday the 14th? Maybe the atheists told them not to worry about it. –Craig Ferguson

Today is Friday the 13th. And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck — just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip. –Jimmy Fallon

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. –Jay Leno

Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK? –Jay Leno

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right." –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out. –Jay Leno

In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. –Conan O’Brien

JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It's called "Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, "Unplug me.”

Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul. -Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don't want to say he's getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn. -Jimmy Fallon

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 04/10/12 and 04/12/12

Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Thursday, April 12, 2012
Top Ten Things I, Dave, Hoped To Do By The Time I Turned 65

10.Suffer a massive, teeth-rattling heart attack

9.Become a gay icon

8.Work like I don't need the money, love like I've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching

7.Serve a half-term as Governor of Alaska

6.Design my own line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers

5.Work with a dedicated staff and crew whom I respect and admire...who feel the same about me

4.Do something to cause a 'Fire Dave' rally

3.Replace the sound effects guy

2.Know when to quit

1.Betty White

Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Top Ten Words Rarely Used To Describe Mitt Romney

10.Gangsta

9.Laugh-a-minute

8.Newty

7.The Mormon Lenny Kravitz

6.Poor but honest

5.Silver-haired "sexplosion"

4.Honey-voiced

3.Slutty

2.Friend to Irish Setters

1.Presidential

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/06/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Graig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese. –Jay Leno

Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway. –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. –Jay Leno

Sarah Palin co-hosted the "Today" show. She did a pretty good job, and they want to bring her back for a new version of "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" What they're going to do is release Matt into Central Park, and then Sarah will track him down "Hunger Games" style. –Jay Leno

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job. -Conan O’Brien

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane. -Conan O’Brien

Dartmouth College, a fine institution, has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, "You don't have cancer on your nose, you don't have cancer on your toes." -Conan O’Brien

There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They're always saying the prisons aren't full enough. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ryan Seacrest was on the "Today" show. He is joining the NBC family. This on top of six or seven other jobs. America's job growth is lacking and the cause is Ryan Seacrest. ABC, NBC, radio, cable — hundreds of jobs and he is not satisfied. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney is catching heat for a possible violation of election rules. He was at a sub shop handing out free sandwiches. Special Romney sandwiches — they come on really, really white bread. –Jimmy Kimmel

Romney gave the sandwiches to people and apparently this is against the law. The Democratic Party in Wisconsin fired a formal complaint. Not sure with who — Quiznos, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos. -Jimmy Fallon

A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like "Prepare for an on-time arrival.” -Jimmy Fallon

The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue. -Jimmy Fallon

The New York Mets are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies. Mets officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field. -Jimmy Fallon

Well, congratulations to Kentucky. They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky flipping over cars, they were burning couches. That was all on the same front lawn. –Jay Leno

Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent. –Jay Leno

Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn't arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break. –Jay Leno

Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice" because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients. -Conan O’Brien

The Tony Awards announced Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time. So once again they've snubbed Mike Ditka. -Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that four out of 10 Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. -Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, "What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me? " –David Letterman

But the Wildcats, what a team, the Kentucky Wildcats. Listen to this. This is how good they are. Four of the starters are freshmen. Four guys. And they're going right to the NBA . Who says Obama isn't creating jobs? –David Letterman

It's a great day here at the CBS network. Today the network announced that David Letterman and I extended our contracts until 2014. Yes! Which is good news here, of course, two more years of Dave. Bad news, two more years of me. -Craig Ferguson

What people are really talking about, of course, is the $650 million Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing on Friday, the winning numbers were not yours. -Craig Ferguson

Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you're not just losers. You're mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. –Jay Leno

There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. –Jay Leno

That was so much money that the JetBlue pilot could afford to go nuts on his own private plane. –Jay Leno

Betty White has a new show on NBC called "Off Their Rockers" where senior citizens prank young people. It's kind of like what we're doing to them with Social Security. –Jay Leno

Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means — three more votes for Mitt Romney. -Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement. -Conan O’Brien

iTunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend." -Conan O’Brien

The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death. –Jimmy Kimmel

The winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. All we know is their first names are Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim. –Jimmy Kimmel

I always think it's funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it's $640 million, but if it's a hundred million, it's not really worth it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday was April Fools' Day. Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room — or as Newt Gingrich put it, "My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months." -Jimmy Fallon

I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million — or as most people put it, "Well, yeah. That's why I bought two." -Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. -Jimmy Fallon

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Jokes by Mike Birbiglia

Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes. Like, 'I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I'm not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.'

This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'

I went to Dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any English at all, like, no words. And it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' And I'd be like, 'Right away, sir.'

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don't think they're saying, 'Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.'

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn't be that excited either. I'd be like, 'Oh great, she looks exactly like me.'

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'

I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'

I was an altar boy when I was a kid -- and the answer is 'no.'

I wanted to be a rapper -- I really did -- and it surprises people because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur -- 'white bread.' The other day, someone was like, 'What's up, white bread?' And I was like, 'That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.'

Rappers now will be like, 'It's 2005, motherf**ker.' I'm like, you're mad about the date? You've gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you.

I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? 'Cause I got that goin' on, too!'

I'm not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me, I felt like she met 'Two-Drink Mike.' It's totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, 'How Are Ya?' -- Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, 'Please welcome Mike Bahooski!', and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, 'You didn't even try! You just said "B" and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That's a really specific choice.'

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good, like, 'We found something in your bladder, and it's season tickets to the Yankees!'

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/30/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno

"Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting. –Jay Leno

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

It's never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien

"The Hunger Games" mania continues. After "Twilight" fans were called Twi-hards, "Hunger Games" fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. "John Carter" fans are referred to as "That guy who saw 'John Carter.'" –Conan O’Brien

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, "Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno

A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it? –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date." –Conan O’Brien

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman

Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman

For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel

I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon

A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon

A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, "I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls"? –Jimmy Fallon

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for "The Hunger Games." –Jay Leno

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!" –Conan O’Brien

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O’Brien

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/23/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place. –Jay Leno

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. –Jay Leno

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A. –Jay Leno

Next month the movie "Titanic" will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn't see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses. –Jay Leno

Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They've announced they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, "Until now!" –Conan O’Brien

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy. –Conan O’Brien

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. –David Letterman

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, "Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos." That's the way these things work. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November. –David Letterman

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, "They're holding a primary in Kenya?" - Craig Ferguson

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually. –Jimmy Kimmel

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is "Newt Gingrich.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. –Jimmy Fallon

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

“The Hunger Games" is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered. –Jay Leno

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions. –Jay Leno

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. –Jay Leno

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes. –Conan O’Brien

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God." –Conan O’Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They're called wide receivers. –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, "You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: "Cover-Your-Face Book.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA. –Jay Leno

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is. –Jay Leno

This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels. –Jay Leno

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves "Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures '21 Jump Street.'" –Conan O’Brien

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife. –Conan O’Brien

Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family. –David Letterman

Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, "What would Jesus do?" Well, he'd sign Peyton Manning. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the "every single man in America" vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum said when he's in the White House he'll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, "Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/02/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It's nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O'Brien

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who's more conservative. I think Santorum... he's more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won't go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man's junk. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won't even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. –Jay Leno

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. –Jay Leno

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone. –Jay Leno

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control. –Conan O'Brien

Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby. –Conan O'Brien

Scientists are looking into the world's oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi. –Conan O'Brien

Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn't want an extra day of February? –David Letterman

They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? –David Letterman

It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind. –Craig Ferguson

Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian . –Craig Ferguson

I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think. -Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don't usually mate in captivity. -Jimmy Kimmel

CNN asked Snooki's publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes? -Jimmy Kimmel

In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it's gonna be a long night. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, "Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy." -Jimmy Fallon

It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. –Jay Leno

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been revealed. They're leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week. –Jay Leno

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery. –Jay Leno

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie. –Craig Ferguson

Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, "Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?” -Jimmy Fallon

There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/24/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson

“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –Craig Ferguson

“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.” –Craig Ferguson

Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular. –Jay Leno

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty. –Jay Leno

A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense. –Jay Leno

"Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen. –Conan O’Brien

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. –Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now. –Conan O’Brien

Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend. –David Letterman

Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is "The Help." It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him. –Craig Ferguson

Dutch scientists say they've created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they'll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It's got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on. –Craig Ferguson

There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor? –Craig Ferguson

This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they're Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret. –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin. –Jimmy Fallon

A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. –Jay Leno

Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you'd better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. –Jay Leno

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. –Jay Leno

It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all. –Conan O’Brien

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly. –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. –David Letterman

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad. –David Letterman

Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering? –David Letterman

Today is Mardi Gras. That's French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we're all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big Boned Day." –Craig Ferguson

At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd? –Craig Ferguson

I love New Orleans. It's a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we're still recovering from last month's drizzle. –Craig Ferguson

Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate. –Jimmy Kimmel

Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/17/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno

Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest." -David Letterman

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. –Conan O’Brien

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." –Conan O’Brien

I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." –Conan O’Brien

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. -Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon

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