Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/28/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  It's all Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon this time.

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U.S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already." –Jay Leno

"Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster." –Jay Leno

"One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat." –Jay Leno

"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'" –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them." –Jay Leno

"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And because of the ocean currents, experts say oil from the Gulf could easily spread up the East Coast all the way to the Carolinas. In fact, today, people in North Carolina said they hadn't seen anything this slick and slimy since the John Edwards campaign." –Jay Leno

"At the White House, speaking last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at the podium. In fact, the rat was picked up on the microphone going, 'How do I get off this sinking ship?'" –Jay Leno

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The Graduating Class, the Key to Our Future?

As graduation season gets into full swing many high school and college graduates will embark on new careers that will likely start off with them living with their parents for a few more years  while they work for low pay but gain valuable experience, hoping to climb the corporate ladder, at a multi-national corporation such as McDonalds or Burger King.

Gone are the days for these former students of cutting classes and drinking beer and eating pizza in the college dormitory.  Now they will be calling in sick to work and staying home and having beer and pizza with a friend.  But the consequences grow more severe now as you move into adulthood because now your parents will be there to nag you about getting to work on time so you don’t get fired, lest you end up living with them forever.

And some of you won’t accept just any job to be employed.  Some of you will hold out for something really good, as long as you know you are able to freeload off of your parents in the meantime.

Some of you will have CEO aspirations.  Wanting to work at an organization like BP or Halliburton where you can make the really big money and have no real responsibility other than the job of spinning a good yarn for shareholders, or the press, or when you have to testify in front of Congress.  Then when the heat really turns on you can retire with a golden parachute and live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your life with nothing to worry about but your conscience (although the genetic makeup of those guys usually doesn’t allow for that anyway.)

Sadly, those jobs are few and far between and are reserved for the kind of guy that has no true ability but was still somehow, through diligent wasting of years of their lives, were able to make it to the top of the food chain in World of Warcraft.

If the idea of giving nothing back to society yet making piles of money still appeals to you, may I recommend a career in law.  It definitely worked for John Edwards and he almost made it to the ultimate position of sleaze, the President of the US, (at least that is what it appears to be for the last several decades.)  But for him there must have been a slight flaw in his training because somehow a sliver of truth slipped out somewhere and, unfortunately, truth and sleaze don’t mix.

Still, some other graduates may be holding onto that hope of hopes that the Nigerian businessman who just sent you an e-mail about helping him to get his fortune into the country for a huge commission is actually legit.  (Trust me, I’ve been waiting for it to happen for about 8 years and it still has not panned out, damn it.  Expect that last one that wrote to me was the daughter of a rich guy…and it really did sounds like she could be telling the truth…aww, never mind.)

But many of you will be able to secure jobs in your chosen field which you will enjoy for the next several years. Then after about 5-10 years you’ll decide to switch professions and start all over again.

Then there will be some of you who become writers and have just enough success to keep you hanging on for a very long time, not allowing your hopes and dreams to get crushed by various naysayers and finally you will start a blog and write the kind of stuff you always wanted to anyway and still have just enough success to keep you hanging on and… I’m sorry, I have to end off now.  I need to go re-read that e-mail from the daughter of the rich Nigerian businessman.

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Quotes from "Dilbert" Creator, Scott Adams

Here are funny quotes from cartoonist, Scott Adams, the creator of the comic strip, "Dilbert", which lampoons the corporate world:

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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Funny Observations from the News – 05/25/10

Here are some jokes based on funny observations from the news over the last week:

Scientists in Germany have found the world’s oldest sex toy, 28,000 years old and made of stone.  I’m not sure how they know it was a sex toy but they are consulting with Larry King to see how it was used.

Last week a United flight from New York to L.A. made an emergency landing because of a fire in the cockpit.  It seems the match the pilot was using to light his cigarette got too close to the alcohol he was drinking and that started it.

Woody Allen recently defended Roman Polanski.  So mothers, if your teenage daughter is an actress don’t let them be in a Woody Allen movie.

Attorney General Eric Holder said he may sue Arizona for their immigration law.  He hasn’t read the law yet, he is going to wait until the movie comes out.

KFC’s new Double Down, famous for its gazillion grams of fat, is wildly successful.  So much so that they have a special deal going.  They are doing those punch cards and after you buy 10 Double Downs you get a coupon for a free coffin.

There’s a new social network site for children 10 and under called “Togetherville”.  Their motto is “it’s never too early to learn to sit around wasting time.  Then graduate to video games.”

Sadly, this site was developed after Michael Jackson’s passing.  It would have served as a great dating site for  him.

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Some Phyllis Diller Jokes

Here are some jokes from from one of the iconic comedians, Phyllis Diller:

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week -05/21/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel.

"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno

"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno

"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno

"Another show canceled right here at CBS, 'The Ghost Whisperer.' Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she's trying to find a job for Arlen Specter." –David Letterman

"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea." –David Letterman

"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman

"Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He's a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn't got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon." –Jimmy Fallon

"Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries." –Jimmy Fallon

"British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? 'Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.'" –Jay Leno

"For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

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Politics and Responsibility, Say What?

Parents, if your child breaks something around the house like a window, for example, don’t be too concerned about his future just because he doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for it.  There’s a very strong possibility he has a future as an executive at a large multi-national corporation like BP, Transocean, or Halliburton.  If that doesn’t work out he or she can always run for Congress.

If that’s not extreme enough for you then maybe your child may even have presidential aspirations, after all, anything that goes wrong for President Obama is clearly President Bush’s fault.  Even if history rates Obama as the worst president ever he will be saying it’s because Bush was the worst up to that point.

If Obama was confronted by someone using the famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A few Good Men” saying about his presidency, “You can’t handle the truth.”  I’m sure he would immediately break out his teleprompter and go into a beautiful soliloquy about the truth and what it meant to hope and change for this great country.  And then he would go on 42 different TV news and entertainment shows to talk about what the truth meant to us all until everyone forgot about the original accusation made to him about truth.  And by the time he was done with it truth would have a new definition just like “Hope” and “Change” does now.  Now that I think of it he may have taken lessons from Clinton.  During his impeachment proceedings sexual relations and oral sex had no interrelating definitions by the time he was done.

Now when you talk about responsibility and Congress you are really referring to two subjects that have no correlation to each other.  Here is a conversation between an interviewer and a congressman discussing responsibility:

Interviewer:  What do you think of this whole oil spill mess?

Congressman:  Well, I know one thing for sure.  I had nothing to do with it.  But rest assured Congress will get to the bottom of this.

Interviewer:  That’s an interesting statement.  What do you mean by that?

Congressman:  I mean we’ll have someone to blame.

Interviewer:  But what will that solve?

Congressman:  Nothing really, but it sure keeps the heat off of us in Congress.  I have to tell you that was a little uncomfortable for us during the Healthcare thing.

Interviewer:  But now because of what you did all of us citizens will suffer for a long time. (Editor’s note:  This interviewer obviously does not work for anyone but FOX…and proudly.)

Congressman:  (Clears his throat)  Well….I’m sure if there was any wrong doing on our part our ethics committee will look into it.  (Editor’s note again:  An ethics committee in Congress is like having a vacuum cleaner in a pig sty.)

Interviewer:  That is an interesting note.  On that, do you in Congress ever take responsibility for anything?

Congressman:  Of course we do.  Whenever we are caught doing something illegal or immoral and there’s no way out of it we admit we did it.

Interviewer:  That’s not really what someone would call taking responsibility.

Congressman:  You obviously know absolutely nothing about politics.

There you have it folks.  So, the next time your child breaks a window or something and admits even the slightest bit of responsibility for it breath a heavy sigh of relief.  He will never be a politician.

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Some More Obama Humor

Here are some jokes about Obama, Obamacare, etc.  They have anonymous  authors and a lot of them have been passed around a lot but they are funny if you appreciate Obama humor.

If John McCain was a Maverick, then Barack Obama is a GMC* Pacer. (*Government Motor Company)

Barack got his ObamaCare votes the old fashioned way. He bought 'em.

Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my  favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen.

The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance.

Obama is looking forward to retirement, so that he'll finally have the time to actually read his new healthcare law.

Everyone who believes that ObamaCare will work is entitled to free psychological help.

Q. Why is the healthcare plan called ObamaCare instead of ObamaCares?

A. Because he doesn't.

ObamaCare will provide taxpayers with plenty of bitter pills.

Obama just gave America a trillion dollar budget deficit. Let's hope he never learns that there are numbers that come after a trillion.

 Q. If the Obama administration was a football division, what would the teams be called?

A. The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."

Q. Why is ObamaCare like an apple a day?
A. It keeps your doctor away.

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Funny Observations from the News – 05/18/10

Here are some funny observations that are based on the news over the last week:

The rumor is that Elena Kagen, the new Supreme Court Justice nominee, had dated Elliot Spitzer, former Governor of New York, when they were in college.  Another rumor is that she is a lesbian, but I’m sorry that makes her sound more like a prostitute than a lesbian.

Again about Elena Kagen, if she is a lesbian maybe dating Elliot Spitzer is what made her want to be a lesbian.

Tiger Woods’ swing coach resigned.  We knew all about the affairs but he was into swinging too….and who you needed a coach to do that.

Playboy magazine is going to be featuring a 3D centerfold in June.  I think it is great that the readers will now get the glasses that come with the magazine and isn’t that ironic since Playboy readers often ruin their eyesight anyway.

A spokesman for  Playboy said they want to make people who are infatuated with the Internet  remember there’s nothing like holding a magazine in your hands, or in this case having it stick to your hands.

With all the crimes coming out about the banks like Goldman Sachs and many of the others, it makes you wonder, we know the banks were “too big to fail”, now we’ll find out if their executives are “too big to jail”.

…and finally, in a survey at the University of Kentucky only 20% of the students considered oral sex to be sex.  They are now considering changing the name of the school to Bill Clinton University.

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More Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

I've had Rodney Dangerfield jokes on the site before but he has so many to draw from so here are some more:

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/14/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it's a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest." –Jay Leno

"BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right." –Jay Leno

"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?" –Jay Leno

"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too." –Jay Leno

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno

"Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse." –Jay Leno

"Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California." –Jay Leno

"Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one." –David Letterman

"Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke." –Craig Ferguson

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Politics as Usual, Unfortunately

I haven’t written too much about Congress recently.  I guess it’s because they haven’t done anything colossally idiotic lately, it is just their routine idiotic.  If that is too harsh a term for some of you maybe we could try moronic, imbecilic or just plain stupid.  Any of those would serve quite well actually, so go ahead and take your pick.

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your...

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

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More Funny Comedian Quotes

Today we have jokes from 2 different comedians, A. Whitney Brown, a Saturday Night Live alumnus, and Lenny Bruce, a classic innovator in the comedy world.

A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.
A. Whitney Brown

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.
A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
A. Whitney Brown

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
Lenny Bruce

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Lenny Bruce

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Lenny Bruce

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

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Observations from the News - 05/11/10

Here are some funny observations (aka jokes) that are based on this week's news:

A spokesman for BP said at a press conference that BP was going to take full responsibility for the oil spill then he added, “Hey, what is the deal with Goldman Sachs, can you believe what they did to the economy?  What’s up with that?”

There are now allegations that Michael Jackson was gay.  I don’t know about that but I heard he was seriously considering becoming a Catholic priest.

A holy man in India is claiming to have gone the last 70 years without food or water.  I think someone needs to tell him that there is white cloth wrapped around his body because he is a mummy and he has been dead for 70 years.  If the kid from “The Sixth Sense" was there he’d be saying, “I see dead people,” to him.

The SEC is investigating the recent unusual trading activity in the stock market in the last few days.  They said they are going to get to the bottom of this.  Luckily, since many of their executives have been accused of looking at porn on the job they are used to investigating many bottoms.

A recent survey showed that people 45 and older were dissatisfied with their sex lives.  Of course, this was mostly men who had recently read about Tiger Woods’ exploits.

Ben Bernake spoke to graduates of the University of South Carolina and told them that money can’t buy happiness.  I think the unspoken message here was that as long as there was a Fed and he was running it you aren’t very likely to have any money.

Elena Kagen, the Solicitor General, was nominated to the Supreme Court by Obama.  I never heard of the Solicitor General post.  What does it do?  It sounds like she just makes sales calls to people about nothing in particular.  If she makes a decision in the Supreme Court is she going to be calling people to get their opinion about how to vote?

…and finally, with all the news about Greece lately, former president Bush was heard asking Laura Bush, “What do you call a person from Greece, a Greaser?”

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Some Dennis Miller Quotes

Here are some quotes/jokes from comedian, Dennis Miller:

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I lapsed into rude.

I rant, therefore I am.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 05/07/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel.

"So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America." –Jay Leno

"I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson." –Jay Leno

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they're calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that's one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"You know who's really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?" –Jay Leno

"Anyway, police raided this guy's house. I guess it's in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

"The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he's selling today? It says: 'I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.'" –Jay Leno

"And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that's not going to do a lot." –Jay Leno

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." –Jay Leno

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Advice Columnist, Dear Crabby

Today we have our guest advice columnist back for another visit, the infamous (after her last column), Dear Crabby.

We’ll get right into her candid, yet not always the most helpful, answers to your questions:

Dear Crabby,

I am a woman in my mid twenties and although I don’t consider myself bad looking I am considering plastic surgery, kind of like my idol Heidi Montag has done.  What do you think of that idea?

Not Really Homely

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Not Really Homely,

My first inclination is to ask you if you are a moron but your question has clearly established that you are so there is no need ask that.  In answer to your question, “What do I think of that idea?” I think it is a wonderful idea if you look like Earnest Borgnine and you don’t mind having one breast hang down to your belly button while the other one naturally goes up to your shoulder.  It’s like having a bad hair day turn into a bad breast day, except that it is permanent.  Otherwise, not the best idea.

And while on this subject, let me suggest you get a new set of values, or more clearly, get your first set since you have decided to idolize Heidi Montag.  If you can’t acquire a set of values naturally, try Wal-Mart, they sometimes have sales.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My  new husband plays World of Warcraft all the time and rarely pays attention to me.  He has a birthday coming up and wants me to buy him apps that add to his playing this computer game.  I don’t want to encourage him.  What should I do?

World of Warcraft Widow

Chicago

Dear World of Warcraft Widow,

The only app I would buy for him is a gun and encourage him to shoot himself if he has a bad day playing the game.  Also, don’t forget to make sure he has a lot of life insurance.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend lives with me and he likes to walk around the house naked.  I sometime bring my friends over and this can get very embarrassing.  He just thinks it’s funny.

Sick of Dick (That actually is his name)

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Sick of Dick,

I can certainly understand your dilemma and I would consider kicking him out.  In fact, why don’t you send this naked guy over to my house and I’ll give him a piece of my mind..or something.   Oh get over yourself!  I may be getting old but I am a woman with needs …so, seriously…send him over.

Crabby (and hoping to meet Dick)

Dear Crabby,

I’ve been married just over a year and in that time my husband has changed completely and also gained 100lbs.  I’m not sure what to do.  Help!

Weighed Down

Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Weighed Down,

Well, finally something I can sink my teeth into.  And let’s be clear, I’m talking about the question, not your fat husband’s ass (that’s something I’ll be saving for the naked guy from the last question.)  I see that you are from Iowa and that is the home to a lot of pig farms.  I suggest you tell him to change his ways or you’ll take him to one of those slaughter houses there where I’m sure his fat ass will fetch a pretty penny.  And, again, to be clear, sending this guy over to my place is not an option as I gave the lady from the previous question.  (I’m saving myself for Dick.)

Crabby

(Note from the editor:  That’s all the time we have for questions and I hope that none of the people writing in were offended by Dear Crabby’s answers.  If you thought she was bad you should hear the advice her sister, Miss Ill-Manners, gives out.)

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Jokes About Liberal Democrats

Here are some jokes about liberal democrats that were sent to me by another.    Actually, most of these are interchangeable for either party.  The unfortunate fact is there is a too much humor material in both parties.

Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?                                                                                                                            A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 Democrats.

Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

A Democrat found a magic genie’s lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” He said, “I wish I were smarter”. So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What’s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
A: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Q: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
A: They are the ones burning the Constitution

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It Could be Worse, Issue VIII

Every now and then I like to look how things could actually be a lot worse than they appear.  It can be funny and therapeutic at the same time:

It could be worse, Hillary could be the president.  (OMG! I just realized that might not be worse.  Well, that was neither funny or therapeutic…I’ll try harder.)

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods who was quoted as saying after the recent Pro-Am tournament that he played poorly because he couldn’t control where his balls went, and not realize that was the problem you’ve been having for many years now.

It could be worse, again you could be Tiger Woods , who the National Enquirer said he had affair with 121 women, and you want to go public and brag it was way more than that but you’ll have to go back to rehab if you do.

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton, who was told by his daughter to lose weight for her wedding, and wish it was the old days with Monica around and he could lose about 140lbs. by just closing his zipper.

It could be worse, you could be a congressman, who after just sharing trade secrets with the execs from Goldman Sachs, have to keep a straight face when you call them crooks.

It could be worse, you could be John Edwards mistress and be so delusional as to think she had nothing to do with his marriage break up, you think the real reason for their break up was because his wife liked to watch “Dancing with the Stars and he didn’t.”

….and lastly, It could be worse, you could be John Edwards and get turned down to be on “Dancing with the Stars” because he said would be on the show but he only wanted to dance with himself.

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Some Johnny Carson Jokes

Here are some jokes from one of my favorites, Johnny Carson:

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

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