David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 10/24/11 to 10/28/11

Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Gadhafi Wants To Say From Hell

10 "Can anyone recommend a good hair gel?"

9 "Tweet me if Chaz wins 'Dancing With the Stars'"

8 "How is it everything's hot down here except the coffee?"

7 "Remember folks, when you want a long-lasting fire with that great smoky taste, buy Kingsford, the official charcoal of Hell"

6 "How did the Colts do last night?"

5 "Why is Jack LaLanne here?"

4 "Yes it's hot — but it's a dry heat"

3 "If you think it's hot down here, wait til you see the sizzling Salma Hayek on Letterman tonight"

2 "Homicidal reign of terror? For that you go to hell?"

1 "Osama says hello"

Top Ten Details of Rick Perry's Tax Plan

10 Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named "Mitt"

9 Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt

8 It's covered in rib sauce

7 Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or "El tax muy caliente!"

6 It's called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan

5 The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin

4 Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)

3 Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he's talking about

2 All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese

1 Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection

Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi's Funeral

10 "Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?"

9 "It's a shame he didn't live long enough to promote himself above colonel"

8 "Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?"

7 "After the services, come back to the house for cake"

6 "Where's his hot daughter Kim?"

5 "And now, a few words from Moammar's closest friend, Loni Anderson"

4 "At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain"

3 "Incoming!"

2 "Nice of Leno to send flowers"

1 "Let's bury this guy"

Top Ten Ways Netflix Can Win Back Customers

10 Quit screwing around

9 Heartfelt plea from Larry Netflix

8 Order "Pirates of the Caribbean" — Johnny Depp personally delivers the DVD

7 Hire the smoking Herman Cain guy as new company spokesman

6 Every DVD comes with a trained monkey who presses "play"

5 I don’t know, change the red envelopes to blue envelopes — leave me alone, I'm watching "Gunsmoke"

4 Mailers include DVDs and a slice of delicious meatloaf

3 With every 10th rental, you get free trip to Aruba — How's that going to help?

2 Buy the rights to current and future Kardashian sex tapes

1 Change the name to Apple

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/28/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien:

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue." –David Letterman

"The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That's what I did." –Conan O'Brien

"A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the 'Tonight Show' with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration." –Conan O'Brien

"It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that." –Jay Leno

"The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That's right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'the best piñata ever.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he's on his nationwide 'I Whacked Another Terrorist' tour." –Jay Leno

"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does. –Jay Leno

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top. –Jay Leno

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race. –Jay Leno

Chaz Bono was voted off of “Dancing With the Stars.” Afterwards, he said he appeared on the program to show America a different kind of man. Yeah, because if there's one thing America’s never seen, it's a white guy who can't dance. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said “I'm not one of these ‘word talkers.’” –Conan O’Brien

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, “But he does know what he’s talking about.” –Jimmy Fallon

A company in England is coming out with a new perfume that smells like beer. Yeah, it’s called “Lohan.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sylvester Stallone is being sued for copying another writer’s screenplay to make “The Expendables.” Yeah, you can tell from the part where Stallone blows up a fighter jet and then goes, “Simba, one day all of this will be yours.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 10/25/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

First, California governor, Jerry Brown, passed a “vital” law outlawing anyone under the age of 18 to use tanning beds.  Then, he also passed a law making it okay for 12 year olds to get a vaccine to prevent sexually transmitted disease without getting parental consent, tacitly approving of sex at that age.  So far, there is no word if the 12 year olds will be allowed to use the tanning beds if they are having sex.

Lindsay Lohan recently took some cupcakes to her fellow workers at the morgue where she is doing community service and they were turned down.  This is a new experience for her because she is used to going into a bar and anybody there will happily take her cupcakes.

I carved my Halloween pumpkin but I had to end up throwing it out because the end product looked like what Nancy Pelosi would probably look like without the Botox.

Harold Camping, the Doomsday preacher, who said the world would come to an end last May and then said it would again last Friday.  Now said he’s going to wait until after next year’s presidential election to make his next prediction as to when the world will end.

Researchers in Australia are working on a pill for binge drinkers to take the fun out of drinking.  I thought nature already took care of that.  It’s call “throwing up.”

The State Department has confirmed there is only one Jewish person living in Afghanistan.  But he said there are some advantages but on the downside he still has to call his mother everyday and “try to find a good deli, oy!!!”

The Occupy Wall Street protest has inspired unemployed computer geeks to unite and start a new protest.  They are calling it Occupy Starbucks.

President Obama has introduced a new slogan, “We Can’t Wait.” Coincidentally, he came up with this as he was talking to some old people who were standing in line to go to the restroom.

The house used on Jersey Shore is being rented out to the public who want to feel they are sleazy too for $2,500/night.  That is just a cover charge, alcohol is not included.

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Funny Quotes from Cartoonist Scott Adams

Here are some funny jokes /quotes from cartoonist, Scott Adams who is the creator of Dilbert:

The best things in life are silly.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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The Generation Gap and a Duck’s Ass

The other day I was impressed by a large naval instrument.  By that I don’t mean a tool used by someone in the Navy, but rather something that looked big enough to be a tool attached to the skin on a girl’s belly button.  At first I thought she might be a construction worker with a unique tool belt but then I just realized I must be getting old because I’m thinking, “Why would somebody do that?”

Even though belly button rings are not new, neither is doing stupid things.  (Oh no, I just realized I sounded like Andy Rooney for a second – I’m not that old!)  But seriously, come on.  And what is with those big hoops that people put in their ear lobes that stretch them out so much they look like a reject from National Geographic.

And then there are tattoos.  It’s an old art but a body should not be a canvass, plus sometimes it could get embarrassing depending where you get the tattoo.  Like if a girl gets one on her ass and then the tattoo artist says, “Anything else you want, there’s plenty of room back here for more.”  Or a man could get his girlfriend’s name on his sexual part and there’s not enough room for all the letters.  It’s especially embarrassing if her name is Joy or Cam or something like that.

These are habits mostly of the younger generation but it’s not like my Baby Boomer generation never did anything odd back in the day.  In the 50s and 60s lots of young guy’s got a haircut called a “duck’s ass.”  This, actually, was quite brilliant when you think about it, because it gave these guys the perfect rebuttal if someone accused them of having their head up their ass.  They could reply to that with, “Nuh-uh.  That shows what you know.  I don’t have my head up my ass.  I have a duck’s ass on my head.  Boy, are you stupid!” Girls were not immune to weird do’s either, just pick up any yearbook from the 60s and have a good laugh.  But, then, I wouldn’t say they are nearly as strange as what you’d see if you walked onto a high school or college campus today.

Baby Boomers also spawned the drug age, but again, what occurred back then was mild compared to the drug scene today.  I believe it was Plato who said, “All this crap has to start somewhere.”  Okay, I don’t know for a fact that he said that but I wouldn’t be surprised.  He was a philosopher, after all.

Even video games didn’t start with the current generation.  That started with pacman in the eighties and even the precursor to that would have been pinball machines. I know that because I used to watch Happy Days and the Fonz played pinball machines.

The fact is that every generation has their own oddities and idiosyncrasies and every generation thinks it’s better than the one before it.  Probably, in twenty years there will a law passed that it will be illegal to talk into your verbal text machines while flying your hovercraft less than ten feet off the ground.  Yeah, right, like there will be a machine that you can actually talk to people and not have to type out a message to text them!

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The Truth Hurts But it Can Be Funny

Sometimes even when the truth hurts at least the pain is lessened because you can laugh about it.  A lot of these quotes are exactly like that.  They are eternal truths but said in a humorous way:

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless lawyer is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams  If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain  Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain  I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill  A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw  A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy  Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)  Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University  Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian  Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)  Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)  I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke  In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)  Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)  Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous  The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill  The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)  There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)  A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson  We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop darnfunnyonline.com

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 10/11/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week Michelle and President Obama celebrated their 19^th wedding anniversary.  They are really looking forward to next year when the traditional gift for the 20^th anniversary is china.  They are figuring since he’ll be out of a job then maybe they’ll just move there.

New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, announce that he will not be running for president.  At his weight the idea of running to do anything can be exhausting.

It’s a good thing he is not going to be president.  It would be rude to talk at a press conference with his mouth full.

Students at a junior high school in England were banned from raising their hands.  Instead, to get the teachers attention they required that they do a “Fonzie” thumbs up.  Many of the parents are upset and using a different, yet familiar, hand signal to get the administrator’s attention.

Hank Williams Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler.  That was wrong of Hank, clearly, he is more of a Stalin than a Hitler.

Donald Trump had his 4^th grandchild.  The kid came out with only a little hair and it had all that birth goop on it and it still had a better look than Donald’s hair.

Joe Biden said there is no way the GOP can defeat Obama.  So if Biden is saying that, I feel more confident than ever that we’ll have a new president in 2012.

There was a whale that was shot and died  on a New Jersey beach.  The good news is the whale was not Chris Christie.

There is a rumor that Demi Moore has seen a divorce lawyer after Ashton Kutcher had a fling with a 23 year old party girl.  There are also rumors Demi was thinking of replacing Ashton with Charlie Sheen.

The Obama Campaign is sponsoring a poster campaign challenging Americans to make posters illustrating why they support the president’s jobs plan.  Either they are looking for ideas from the public why this plan might be worth a damn or they figure they’ve alienated all the adult voters and maybe they can drum up some support from the poster making elementary school kids.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 10/03/11 to 10/5/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Amanda Knox's Mind When The Verdict Was Read

10 "Mama mia, that's a spicy verdict"

9 "If there's time, I'd still like to see the Coliseum"

8 "Can I keep my Versace prison jumpsuit?"

7 "Four years in an Italian prison, this is the last time I book through Priceline"

6 "Who's Justin Bieber?"

5 "I want to go hiking in Iran"

4 "I can't believe I've gone four years without a Pop Tart"

3 "Does time served in Italian jail count towards my degree?"

2 "I wonder how Conan is doing on 'The Tonight Show'"

1 "If Michele O'Bachmann becomes President, I'm moving back to Italy"

Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President

10 As always, he's following his gut

9 Wants to spend more time with pie

8 There isn't a Quiznos within five miles of the White House

7 Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut

6 Doesn't own a tie without a mustard stain

5 He was advised against it by his closest confidante, Duncan Hines

4 Constitution requires every candidate to be able to see their feet

3 Can't understand response because of chewing

2 Hank Williams, Jr. just compared him to Stalin

1 He was born in Kenya

Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million

10 Death row taco bar

9 Two words: Alberto VO5

8 Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .

7 Always wanted to see Branson

6 Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.

5 $8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

4 Health care for all Texans . . . I'm totally messing with you

3 Shut up or he'll execute you

2 Get a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband

1 Buy lunch for Chris Christie

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 10/07/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don't think you have to announce that, I think you just don't run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only did Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?" –Jay Leno

"Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"That terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don't often see an American taking a foreigner's job." –Jay Leno

"Police in Massachusetts have arrested a man for allegedly planning to blow up the Pentagon and the Capitol by using radio-controlled model airplanes filled with explosives. Is this the best the terrorists have now? Using toys? What is Wile E. Coyote joined Al Qaeda. What's next? Maybe a batch of poison cookies cooked from an EZ Bake oven?" –Jay Leno

"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn't find a sitter for Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Special Forces killed the editor of al-Qaida's magazine. So your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida's magazine, he worked for 'Carbomb and Driver.'" –David Letterman

"It's the third week of the Wall Street protests and they've closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." –Craig Ferguson

"There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes." –Craig Ferguson

They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though. –Jay Leno

Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part: It was the only time she and her husband had dinner together. –Jay Leno

Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake. –David Letterman

The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s butt. –David Letterman

A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox. –David Letterman

Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons, and then he weighed himself. –David Letterman

Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called “super broccoli” designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo. –Jimmy Fallon

Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, “You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you're fired.” –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot. –Jimmy Fallon

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Late Night Obama Jokes from the Last Six Months

Here are some of the very funniest Obama jokes from the late night comedians spanning the last 6 months or so:

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno, on the debt deal

"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman, on the debt deal

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman

"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'" —David Letterman

"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 10/04/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Since there was a warm day in the beginning of fall Al Gore’s head came out of the groundhog hole and saw it’s shadow which meant 6 more years of hearing him drone on about global warming.  This prompted Donald Trump to ask to see Gore’s birth certificate, not to see if he is a citizen, but to see if he was ever really alive.

The creator of Doritos died last week at the age of 97.  It’s reported he never ate Doritos and that’s what helped him live so long.

Leading Republicans are really interested in getting Chris Christie to join the presidential race.  They are confident he can pull the fat vote which should make him a sure thing to win.

Last Thursday was National Coffee Day.  Coffee drinkers were up all night celebrating their caffeine highs.

During a speech last week Ben Bernanke said that unemployment was a national crisis.  Then someone whispered in his ear that his policies contributed greatly to this problem.  The next line of his speech was, ‘Oh…never mind then.”

Bank of America is going to start charging a $5 monthly fee for customers using their debit cards.  Banks used to give out toasters now they just consider the customers to be toast.

Michelle Obama was shopping at Target last week.  Most likely, she was stocking up for the new house they’ll be moving into in 2012.

Holly Madison had her breasts insured.  Wouldn’t that be considered insurance fraud to insure a fake asset?

Mark Zuckerman, the Facebook founder recently went hunting and killed a bison.  Before he shot it the bison was heard to say, “You might as well shoot me now because I will never agree to be one of your bitch farm animals in Farmville.”

Hooters is suing a rival restaurant for stealing trade secrets.  They were, apparently, also going to hire big breasted waitresses.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 9/23/11 to 9/26/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Chris Christie Were President

10 Al-Qaida taunts America with "Your president's so fat" jokes

9 Goodbye White House vegetable garden

8 Cabinet will now have a Secretary of Cake

7 New state: Fatbuttachusetts

6 Congress does whatever he wants, because fat guys are, like, super-strong when they freak out

5 Presidential retreat moved from Camp David to Hershey Park

4 Taxpayers would have to pay for the president's second seat on Air Force One

3 New national anthem: the "Chili's baby back ribs" song

2 Instead of Iraq, we'd invade IHOP

1 Scandal when president is caught in Oval Office with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee

 

Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10 Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs

9 At debates, he mostly goes with, "That's what she said"

8 Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7 He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6 His new slogan: "C'mon!"

5 Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry

4 Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran

3 Even his wife is wearing a "Herman Cain" button

2 Instead of "Freedom" and "Liberty," his cowboy boots read "It's" and "Over"

1 Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

 

Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Television

10 Your name is Howard, but you go by Howie Five-O

9 You lie awake at night worrying about Mike and Molly's cholesterol

8 You've had dreams about the Fox football robot

7 It's day three of being buried under your TV Guides

6 Your 52-inch high-definition butt

5 Only song on your iPod: the theme from "Benny Hill"

4 Cop pulls you over for speeding and you say, "I'm friends with Magnum P. I."

3 When your wife kicks you out of the house, you move to TBS

2 Had your Charlie Sheen tattoo removed and replaced with an Ashton Kutcher tattoo

1 You can actually tell the difference between "American Idol" and "The X Factor"

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