Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/29/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman

"The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood." –Conan O'Brien

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien

"The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage." –Conan O'Brien

"McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices." –Conan O'Brien

"The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Captain America' made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? ... I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card." –Conan O'Brien

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien

"My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse." –David Letterman

"The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman

"I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business?" –David Letterman

"We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we've got 14.3 trillion airline miles." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson

"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel

They say “Captain America” is successful because it takesplace in a time when America could fight a war and get out ofa depression at the same time. A whole different thing from today. –Jay Leno

The Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Maybe they should be running the country. –Jay Leno

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is “corrupt.” The other 64 percent think Congress is “extremely corrupt.” –Jay Leno

President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter. –Jay Leno

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.-Conan O’Brien

Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar.Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy. .-Conan O’Brien

This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a “plan B.” Unfortunately, the B stands for “bake sale.” –Jimmy Fallon

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner. –Jimmy Fallon   darnfunnyonline.com

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Don’t Let Them Bug You

When my girlfriend is fixing things around the house and the screwdriver and hammer are going rapid fire and I stand around pretending like I know what she is doing, I can at least feel really manly when she  screams and runs away from bugs and I take care of them.  So I am very grateful to all the annoying little insects in and around the house that help restore my manhood.

It’s not that I’m not capable of fixing things around the house I just like to let her feel extra valuable by doing all those things, plus I’m in charge of the bugs, already, so get off my back!  I can’t do everything around the house…Okay, I’m lying.  I don’t really know how to fix things at all, in fact, I can barely tell a Phillips head from Joe’s head.  (But I can at least spell Phillips head and knew not to put the apostrophe in there.  That should be good for something.)

I was careful, above, when I said “I take care of the bugs” and “I’m in charge of them,” for the readers that may be aghast now that I might injure the poor little insects.  Let me say that I do it in the most humane way.  When I see a bug in the house I very carefully and caressingly stun it into submission while I then find it a new home.  Admittedly, I sometimes also give them a new shape and size as determined by the angle that I step on them and the new home is in the trash can but I do try to think nice thoughts as I do it, such as, “Ha-ha, gotcha, you little…”

I like to make their new home in the trash can because if I see the other bugs having a funeral for their friend in there so much the better.   Then it is bonus time for the Bug Man! And I get to add them to my kill …or, ah, I mean, stun total.

I also do other manly chores around the house like washing the dishes, for example.  I get them really clean too, at least in my opinion.  I have heard occasional complaints about food residue being left on the outside of pans.  My theory on that is to let it go; it’s only the outside of the pan for god sake!  The next time the pan is used the food residue will help heat up the pan that much faster, thereby saving energy.  It makes it a very “green” thing to do, especially if the residue is green to start out with.

I also do cleaning around the house but I have to admit I am only good getting at surface dirt that you get in dusting and vacuuming, plus you get to vacuum up an occasional bug, which is really cool!   I think the deeper cleaning should be left to the professionals.  Okay now, if you were thinking I meant the professionals were women then you are the sexist, not me.  Besides that, my hands don’t fit into those rubber gloves very well.  (Yeah I know they have different sizes but let’s keep that between you and me.)

Lest anyone still have any attention on the life span of insects in my house let me assure everyone that no bugs were injured or killed in the writing of this article.  But after I’m done those little critters better run for the hills because I’m feelin’ manly!

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Funny Jokes from Steven Wright

I had posted some or all of these jokes at some time or another previously but Steven Wright is a very funny guy when you are looking for a fast laugh, so it is worth another round:

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 07/26/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Researchers in Japan have discovered a species of snail that migrates by letting itself be eaten by a bird and then flown somewhere and defecated out.  So their traveling experience is not that much different from when humans fly on many airlines today.

Charlie Sheen has a new series, Anger Management.  So this could be a reality program.

Donald Trump has a new grandchild.  The good news is so far the kid is mostly bald.  The family is hoping the bad hair gene will skip at least two generations.

Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman both said God was calling on them to run for President.   Unfortunately, for Newt Gingrich only bill collectors are calling him.

There is a 22 year-old woman who has a nipple on the bottom of her foot.  She gives a whole new meaning to the idea of “going out for a stimulating walk.”

Researchers aren’t sure if the nipple is on the bottom of her foot or if her breasts just really sag a lot.

A TSA officer was indicted on thefts of stealing 4 expensive watches, a $1,000 prepaid credit card and the virginity of 3 young women going through security to board a plane.

After yet another Ethics probe (Isn’t part of the problem too much probing?) of a congressman having an unwanted sexual encounter with a teen-aged daughter of a campaign donor, there was a rumor of a congressman who didn’t engage in extra-marital sex of any kind.  It turned out to be a hoax.

The findings of a new study show that your personality can trigger weight gain.  That is especially true if you feed your personality on a steady diet of McDonald’s food.

The producers of Dancing With the Stars have orders to find more high profile guest so if you are the second cousin of the aunt of a close friend of Brittany Spears your chances of getting on the show have just greatly diminished.

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Letterman's Top Ten from 7/18/11 to 7/21/11

Here are some of David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You're Too Hot

10 You were just named People Magazine's "Sweatiest Man Alive"

9 For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8 You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7 You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6 Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5 Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"

4 Your sweat is sweating — Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3 Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2 Every now and then your butt sizzles and smells like bacon

1 You sit through a taping of the “Late Show” just for the air conditioning

 

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing

10 Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot "Green Acres"

9 Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin

8 They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys

7 The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles

6 Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger

5 Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna

4 Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas

3 Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks

2 President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching "Ironside"

1 Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

 

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack

10 "Hey, free pie!"

9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"

8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"

7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"

6 "Duh, winning?"

5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"

4 "Mmmm tasty"

3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"

2 "Don't pie me, bro!"

1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"
 

 

Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom From Dave's Mom

10 Paying taxes is for losers

9 Neighbor's stereo too loud? Cut his power lines

8 If you're going to vandalize the Ed Sullivan Theater, disable the security cameras first

7 Whenever Regis calls, pretend your hearing aid is on the blink

6 If you catch a player's 3,000th hit, sell the ball and buy a Corvette

5 Always tip the dealer

4 No one cares how you feel

3 There's big money in black market cigarettes

2 Never bring a stun gun onboard an airplane

1 Tell your son his show is great, even if you prefer Leno, Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert, Conan, Fallon, Ferguson, and Lopez

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/22/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien

"I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'" –Craig Ferguson

"Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie." –Craig Ferguson

"I think it's cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he'd go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That's mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don't think this is what the Republicans meant by 'closing our borders.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology." –Jimmy Kimmel

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn't turn 50 until Aug. 4. This means that even he hasn't seen his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." –Craig Ferguson

"It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery." –Craig Ferguson

"The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA." –Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling." –Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations

It was so hot in Hollywood that Gary Busey became delusional and actually started making sense. –Jay Leno

President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion. –Jay Leno

A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT’s computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, “Hire that kid on the spot.” –Jay Leno

It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape. –Jimmy Kimmel

The heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their “Shark Week.” –Jimmy Kimmel

The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, “Are there any countries we don’t owe money to?” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that Jennifer Lopez will make $1 million for performing at a wedding this week. Or as Marc Anthony calls it, “half a million dollars.” ?” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls. ?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a “vicious battle” before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine. –Jimmy Fallon

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Can a Man Be Right?

A question many men have had down through the ages, after they have had a wife or girlfriend for a while is, “Is it possible for me to be right?”  The answer is going to be revealed now: Yes, it is possible for you to be right as long as you are not within hearing range of your spouse.

Of course, that doesn’t account for her hearing what you said later on and “correcting” you, so at that point all bets are off.  Momentary rightness is better than none at all.

Here is an example of what I’m talking about.  The husband is forced to go shopping with his wife.  She asks him a question:

Woman:  Which dress do you like best, the green one or the red one?

Man: (Tries to shake his head to wake himself up)…uh, I guess the green one is pretty nice.

Woman:  (Without even looking at them again to ponder) I think I’m going to go with the red one.

-------------------------

This is how this scene would go if she was looking at the same dresses with a girlfriend:

Woman:  I can’t decide which color I liked best.

Friend: Oh, I definitely like the green one.

Woman: You know, I think you’re right.  You are always so smart about these things.

This is what causes men to want to congregate at bars with their male friends.  There men are always right no matter how wrong (and stupid) they really are.  Here is an example:

Man: I think all words should start with the letter “B.”

(Everyone gets quiet and stares at him blankly.)

Man:  Drinks are on me!

Everyone else: (Cheering) Yeah, the letter “B.” Great idea, man, you’re a genius!

Unfortunately, for me, I don’t drink and I’ve always worked at home so I don’t really get out alone with male friends very often.  Consequently, I am rarely ever right. (Big Sigh)…maybe I should take up drinking.

The thing that makes it strange though is when a man first meets a woman and they start going out, for a very brief period of time, everything the man says is correct.  Sadly, this rightness lasts only a very short  time.  Apparently, the woman goes into the relationship hopeful that this man will be the exception and then she finally catches on that there are no exceptions.  She could rehabilitate his ability to be right but to do that she would have to ship him off to an island inhabited only by men. Ultimately, she knows that the closest her man will get to being right is that if he is right-handed.

It has been said that there are no absolute wrongs or absolute rights in this universe.  The closest measurable thing to an absolute wrong would be when a man is having an argument with his spouse.

It would seem then that women think that men are only good for one thing and being right is definitely not it.  Well, if that one thing was what I wanted it to be I could live with that.  Too bad it’s taking out the trash.

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Funny Things Kids Say in Church

This is something that someone sent me that is really funny about what kids think they hear when they are in church and what they say as a result: KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   A wife invited some people to dinner.. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/19/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

A Chinese company is selling sex robots for men.  They are so lifelike that they even get regular headaches.

Scientists believe that people born in the next twenty years could live to be a thousand years old.  And the way people are gaining weight these days they could also weigh one thousand pounds.

A woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing 16 lbs and 1 ounce.  So now American kids aren’t even waiting to be born to be overweight.

If the government is shut down the TSA will still be working but they are threatening a work slow-down if their pay is delayed.  For example, they will only fondle one testicle on men or one breast for women as they go through the line.

House Speaker John Boehner told reporters that dealing with the Obama administration is like dealing with Jell-O.  The Jell-O makers are suing for defamation of character.

Katherine Becker, the Garden Grove woman who cut off her husband penis and threw it in the garbage disposal and ground it up, was arrested.  It’s a sad story.  The physical abuse is one thing, but to destroy a man’s mind is just going too far.

Finally, President Obama has come up with a shovel ready project, the burying of his political career.

In Midway, Georgia police are cutting down on crime by closing a lemonade stand that was being run by three young girls at one of the girl’s homes.  After that police were on the hunt for mothers making apple pie or grandmothers who were taking too long to cross the street.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress is now on exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  Many health conscious women are insisting if this catches on that they will only wear meat dresses made from grass-fed beef.

Timothy Geither, the Secretary of State, is confident that a debt deal in Congress can get done.  Yet after saying that witnesses heard him on the phone with credit card companies to see if the country’s credit card limits can be raised.

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Letterman Top Ten Lists from the Week 07/14/11

Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Superhero

10 "Screw the superhero costume, I'm fighting crime in my pajama jeans"

9 "I got $400 worth of groceries for just eight bucks thanks to extreme couponing"

8 "You know, I originally wanted to be an event planner"

7 "Someone broke into Letterman's theater? I'm on my way!"

6 "Aquaman and I are moving to New York to get married"

5  "I'm Steve Rogers. Perhaps you know my brother Kenny"

4 "In a few years, Captain America will be known as Captain China, am I right, folks?"

3 "My weakness? Sara Lee cheesecake bites"

2 "One ticket for 'Zookeeper,' please"

1 "I really, really like the tights"

 

Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money

10 For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar

9 The White House now has a two-drink minimum

8 There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota

7 Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to "Cash4Gold"

6 Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico

5 Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists

4 Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One

3 John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards

2 Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet

1 Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad All-Star Game

 

10 It's being telecast on C-SPAN3

9 Biggest name is esteemed umpire Bruce Dreckman

8 During the 7th inning stretch, the players are locked out

7 It's the National League vs. the American Broadcasting Company

6 Each team required to start at least three Kardashians

5 Every player who fields a ball yells, "Yeow!"

4 No matter how much alcohol you consume, it doesn't get any better

3 By the third inning, 95 percent of the players have been deported (it's Arizona, people)

2 It's a brisk seven hours

1 Due to the extreme heat, Bud Selig is nude

 

Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Broke Into the Ed Sullivan Theater

10 "When did Stupid Human Tricks become illegal?"

9 "It was on my list of places to ransack before I die"

8 "Thought the place was abandoned"

7 "Wanted to meet Ed Sullivan"

6 "Didn't feel like walking 14 blocks to vandalize Regis' studio"

5 "Doing my best to boost the struggling glass repair industry"

4 "Had an allergic reaction to Four Loko"

3 "Always dreamed of being the subject of a lame Top Ten list"

2 "I thought it was another 'Fire Dave' rally"

1 "Have you seen the show?"

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/15/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman

"It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California.  Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, 'It takes two to tango.' Then Biden was like, 'Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' 'Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid?'" –Craig Ferguson

"We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs." –Jon Stewart

"Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages." –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

"The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November." –Jay Leno

"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?" –David Letterman

"In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing (referring to Robert Murdoch). There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. " –Craig Ferguson

"One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working." –Craig Ferguson

"Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of 'Larry King Live.'" –Craig Ferguson

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. –Jay Leno

We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2? –Jay Leno

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. –Jay Leno

It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. –David Letterman

They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. –David Letterman

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. –David Letterman

The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson

There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.” –Jimmy Fallon

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Living in Los Angeles

I just passed the six month mark of living in the Los Angeles area after having spent the previous 31 years in Las Vegas.  So far so good, it’s all is going pretty smoothly except for the fact that I have not learned Spanish yet, so there is a language barrier.

While there are some similarities between Los Angeles and Las Vegas there are also a lot of differences considering they are only about 270 miles apart.  The biggest difference is that while L. A. is only a little west of Las Vegas it is so far to the left politically that if Joseph Stalin was still alive he would probably spend his summers vacationing in Southern California.

That said, it’s not at all surprising to know that the California state government is almost as badly in debt at the U.S. government, proportionally speaking.

It would be interesting to hear a conversation between a California politician and a Nevada politician.  Here’s how I’d think it would go:

Nevada guy:  How is it you guys are way more in debt than us and you also have more taxes than we do?

California guy:  Well, wise guy… oh, get it, wise guy like the mob.  I wasn’t even trying to make a joke when I said that.

Nevada guy:  That’s good because it wasn’t funny at all.  There’s been no mob in Las Vegas since the 80s.

California guy:  But you can’t deny that you have it easy with all the casinos.

Nevada guy:  Yes I can.  The casinos are just a business that pay taxes like any kind of business you have there in Taxifornia.

California guy:  But we have a rich culture and lots of history.

Nevada guy:  We have a lot of culture too.

California guy: …Didn’t you just recently open a mob museum?

Nevada guy:  Thanks for reminding me, there’s the history too.  And don’t forget, we are the “Entertainment Capital of the World.”

California guy: A title you stole from us, I might add.

Nevada guy:  Stole-schmole, we earned it, baby!  Just like we earned getting so many Californians who moved to Nevada over the years so they don’t have to pay so much in taxes.

California guy:  Yeah, we’re not happy about that, by the way.

Nevada guy:  Of course, you do get the occasional person who moves from Nevada to California for some unknown reason, like the schmuck who is writing this article!

(Steve’s note:  HEY!!)

California guy: Well, you’re welcome to take him back anytime you want to.

Okay then, I’m putting an end to that conversation.  For the record I like both Nevada and California and I don’t like most politicians from anywhere.

California and Nevada guy:  We heard that!

I don’t care, you’re both morons!

Anyway, the fact is, I never expected to move from Las Vegas but at the same time I never expected my wife of 28 years to die at the age of 55.  But you have to play the cards you are dealt.  As it turned out I played them well.  I have found happiness again and for the love of a good woman is why I moved.  I am happy again and as soon as I’m able to learn to speak some Spanish everything should be perfect for me here in Los Angeles.

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More Classic Jokes from Hollywood Squares

Here are some more classic jokes from the Hollywood Squares TV show that brought so many laughs to people in years past:

1) When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

2) If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

3) According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army!

4) Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

5) While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

6) It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

7) Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

8) Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.

9) Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

10) Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

11) When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

12) James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

13) Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

14) Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/12/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events of the last week:

The Roger Clemens trial started.  He was hoping to draft some of the jurors from the Casey Anthony case for his trial.

Roger Clemens is being charged with lying to Congress about taking steroids.  It turns out you’re actually only allowed to lie to Congress if you’re a congressman.

Last week a woman was accused of stealing $110,000 worth of bull semen.  She stole it either because she thought she’d also get the appendage which it came from or she has some very lonely cows at home.

CNN cancelled Elliot Spitzer’s show.  Who knew there was still an Elliot Spitzer show?

Roseanne is going to have a new show on Lifetime.  It’s called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I didn’t even realize she was a transvestite.

If the government is shut down there will be 800,000 non-essential employees out of work.  I guess that means the President, Vice-President, Congress and about 799,500 others will be on the sideline.

The good news is that if the government is shut down you will still be able to be groped by the TSA if you fly somewhere.

The unemployment rate went to 9.2% nationwide or as President Obama would say “the sky is not falling.”  But he does give us hope that we will have change in 2012.

A federal appeals court ruled that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military is illegal.  This was a major win for gays.  It also opened the door for military recruiters to start buying advertising time on the TV show “Glee.”

Bill Clinton says Americans need to be more innovative.  That could mean many things to many people.  For him I’m guessing he has seen the likes of John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger get their mistresses pregnant so they need to be more innovative with their birth control.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, has some good ideas except that he thinks we should keep the Fed because he says, “What are we going to replace it with?”  My answer to that argument is that if my dog takes a crap in the back yard and I clean it up I don’t need to have it replaced.

Lady Gaga may have an eating disorder.  You had to suspect she had some confusion about food ever since she wore that meat dress.

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Classic Jokes from Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares was a very funny TV show that was on for many years.  Here are just a few of the classic jokes from that show:

1) If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

2) True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

3) You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

4) According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
5) Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

6) In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

7) What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

8) As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

9) Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

10) Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

11) In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

12) It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

13) During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

14) Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/08/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno

"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno

"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno

A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as southwest calls it: the next big thing in air travel. –Jay Leno

At Coney Island, they had the annual hot dog eating contest and in keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser. –Jay Leno

Joey Chestnut won the hot dog eating contest on July 4th. He ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. They gave him a championship belt. A belt? Is that what you give a guy who ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes? How about a new pair of pants? –Jay Leno

Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we’d all be speaking English today. –Jay Leno

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email. –Craig Ferguson

I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch. –Craig Ferguson

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you. –Craig Ferguson

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. –Craig Ferguson

California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children? –Conan O’Brien

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, “spring break.” –Conan O’Brien

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. –David Letterman

Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he’s pardoned by Oprah. –David Letterman

We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese. –David Letterman

Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. That would be a great endorsement. –David Letterman

Glenn Beck gave his last show. After Oprah and Beck, the only emotional woman on TV is me. –Craig Ferguson

Supposedly, they let Beck go because he alienated the sponsors. I would never do that. In fact, I hang out on the weekend with the ShamWow guy. –Craig Ferguson

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns. –Craig Ferguson

The royal couple will be visiting eight major cities during their nine days in Canada. That’s amazing to me. Canada has eight major cities? –Craig Ferguson

All of the good fireworks are illegal in California. Michael Bay can blow up the whole city but I can’t find a single bottle rocket. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families. –Jimmy Kimmel

I didn’t pay much attention to history when I was in school. I try to put it all in the past. –Jimmy Kimmel

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Fun with Fruit

I went into an Apple store the other day, not as a customer but as more of a tag along.  Not being much of a techie at all it is very unusual for someone like me to be seen in a place like that.  I was as out of place there as John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger would be at a Planned Parenthood meeting .

One thing that did impress me though was the dress code of the workers there.  Except for the Apple logoed shirts they were wearing the type of clothing that you’d see someone typically wear to a picnic.  Since my standard summer wardrobe consists of shirt, shorts and sneakers it made me think, “Hey, maybe I am a geek after all.”  And on top of that it seemed like a lot of the employees were just standing around doing nothing, even though it looked like there were people waiting for service, it made me think, “Hmmm, maybe I do fit in here.”  I thought I could even work at a place like this since I specialize in standing around doing nothing.  It was even my major in college.

I mustered up the courage to ask the manager for a job.  But when he found out that I never owned any Apple made equipment and I think Mac is what you call a guy when you can’t think of his name, the interview got off to a bad start. Then it quickly ended when I realized I didn’t even know how to turn on an Iphone.

That’s okay, I only wanted a paycheck, not a job.  And even though their dress standards were low I get to work at home in my underwear and I think that is even below their standards. (Although, I did see one of them with his underwear outside his clothes.)

When someone finally came up to help us she carried an Iphone.  I was pleasantly surprised when she talked to us rather than texting as we stood face to face.  The question I wanted to ask her is why are all these Apple products prefaced with “I?”  Is it all part of the hedonistic culture that we have emblazoned across the nation and, in fact, the world that is manifested by the geeks that are so afraid to actually communicate that they bury their attention into a machine they can conveniently carry in their hand anywhere they go so they can hide from true human contact with anyone?  But I didn’t ask it because I was too busy laughing to myself about that the guy that was wearing his underwear outside of his clothes.

Then, as we finished, the girl attending to us made us feel as if we got a gift from heaven.  She did a little spin on the pricing that, instead of massively overcharging us only slightly overcharged us, making us feel like we scored a major coup, when it reality it was more like only getting punched in the face as opposed to being mugged and left in the gutter for dead.

Other than all of that it was quite an experience.  But my last question for the Apple people would be if these phones are so damn smart why aren’t they smart enough to teach me how to use one?  (Insert your own joke here about my intelligence or lack thereof.)

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Charlie Sheen Quotes

Here are some Charlie Sheen quotes.  Some are truisms, some are funny, some are funny without intending to be so and some are just... well, you know:

As kids we're not taught how to deal with success; we're taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?

Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

Dad almost died of a heart attack in the middle of making Apocalypse Now, the biggest movie of his life. It doesn't make you want to jump into that business.

Fame is empowering. My mistake was that I thought I would instinctively know how to handle it. But there's no manual, no training course.

For now, I'm just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.

From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to 'Sheen's Korner' ... You're either in my corner, or you're with the trolls.

Here's the good news. If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane.

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen.

I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.

I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.

I just didn't believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique.

I just don't want to live like I used to. And at some point, I'm going to put a gag order on myself in terms of talking about the past. I've got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future.

I so desperately wanted to be Mr. Somebody. Instead, I was the little brother, included to a point.

I still don't have all the answers. I'm more interested in what I can do next than what I did last.

I think I have a duty as a recovering guy to help, to make my knowledge of what I went through accessible.

I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don't think people are ready for the message that I'm delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love.

I think what drove me insane for a long time is feeling like I hadn't earned most of what I achieved because it came so fast.
I tried marriage. I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer - I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero.

I try to be known more for my work than for anything else.

I'm 0 for 3 with marriage - the scoreboard doesn't lie, never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

I'm tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat.

I've got volumes on how not to behave. I've got more information now than a guy should have at my age.

It's not an act. I love it. It's totally original. People go, 'What's going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain. I don't know. Just one day I suddenly woke up with a new brain.

Slash sat me down at his house and said, You've got to clean up your act. You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, Look, you've got to get into rehab.

That we are to stand by the President right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.

The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past.

There was a reason my first substantial role after rehab was to play a maniac whose personal story ended badly. I knew what it was like to go those dark places. I played a guy who died as a result of his abuse.

Uncertainty is a sign of humility, and humility is just the ability or the willingness to learn.

What is a normal childhood? We weren't rich, we were pretty middle-class. My dad survived from job to job; with him taking care of so many relatives, he couldn't save any money.

What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.

When friends asked me, Can we help? I'd say, Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this rock. I used that line from Star Wars.

You have the right to kill me, but you don't have the right to judge me. That's life. There's nobility in that. There's focus. It's genuine. It's crystal and it's pure and it's available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your Us Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/05/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The Blagovjevich trial was completed and he was found guilty of trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by President Obama.  He showed no facial expression when the verdict was read but from the look of his hair he must have really been upset….or crazy.

Blagovjevich’s lawyers are threatening to appeal his sentence and are thinking of using an insanity defense, his hair being the evidence.

Hugh Hefner, fresh off splitting with his fiancé, has a new girlfriend.  This isn’t considered a rebound girlfriend since he has no recollection of even having a fiancé anyway.

Bristol Palin claims in her book that her virginity was “stolen.”  But if a person leaves their car door unlocked with the key in the ignition they need to accept some responsibility for the car being stolen.  Here’s another car parallel, If you buy a really stupid car you are likely to get screwed.

Tracy Morgan just recently apologized profusely for cruel jokes he made about gays.  Now he is in trouble again for equally cruel jokes about the mentally disabled.  Next up for Morgan, he’ll be doing comedy gigs on the funeral circuit.

The company that created Farmville, a game played on Facebook, is doing an IPO and hoping to raise as much as $2 billion dollars.  Either there is an awful lot of pretend  farming going on or there is a pretend barn hidden away with pretend slot machines and hookers.

David Letterman flipped his audience the double bird last week showing he may not appreciate his audiences but he is definitely hands on in dealing with them.

Fireworks may not be legal in California but we can at least take comfort in knowing that as a country we can still blow up other countries.

Lindsay Lohan is now off house arrest.  She has a little more free time now so she updated her mug shot on Facebook.

Experts say that the gay marriage bill could bring in $210 into the economy.  That stands to reason with all the decorating that is likely to happen at their weddings.

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Letterman Top Ten List from June 29 and 30

Here are some Top Ten lists from The David Letterman show of last Wednesday and Thursday:

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American

10) The complimentary TSA groping

9) Other countries don't have one Dakota — we have two

8) Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth

7) Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O'Bachmann)

6) All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya

5) The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world

4) We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk

3) Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?

2) Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt

1) What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?

Top Ten Lindsay Lohan Summer Plans

10) Get drunk, steal some crap

9) Scan United States code for laws she hasn't broken

8) For change of pace, rent timeshare in Hamptons prison

7) Update her mug shot

6) Play new fun game: Will I get buzzed into this jewelry store?

5) Help Michele O'Bachmann learn the difference between actors and serial killers

4) Decide if the next step is "Dancing With the Stars" or "Celebrity Rehab"

3) Shop for the latest trends in ankle monitor fashions

2) Go see new Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne." The "Chicago Tribune" calls it a delightful romp

1) Get treated for exhaustion, dehydration, or some other celebrity affliction

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/01/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians (some of whom are on vacation this week) including Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Stephen Colbert:

"Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'' –Conan O'Brien

"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption — and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair?" –David Letterman

"Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial." –David Letterman

“It is no secret that our economy is in the dumpster, because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old muffins.” –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. When he was a congressman from New York, I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble." –David Letterman

"During the trial, Blagojevich got himself in trouble for texting photos of his hair." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Whitey Bulger's brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster." –Craig Ferguson

‎"Finally, New York state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in Connecticut in order to get married." –Jon Stewart

Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was “Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.” –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan had her house arrest bracelet removed. Then, when no one was looking, she slipped the bracelet into her pocket. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill. –David Letterman

The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money. –David Letterman

Apparently, a pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden? –Craig Ferguson

If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true. –Craig Ferguson

If Shakespeare knew this was going on, he’d be rolling in his grave — rolling a huge joint. –Craig Ferguson

The 4th of July is the day we celebrate our independence from Simon Cowell. –Jimmy Kimmel

Experts say that because of higher gas prices, fewer families will travel this weekend. That’s a shame. I can’t imagine growing up without an 18-hour ride through the desert with my father who’s too cheap to turn the air conditioning on. –Jimmy Kimmel

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